fidgeting and body language

Sometimes I'm super aware of what I'm doing/not doing, and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes T will actually comment on the vibe I'm giving off - like, when I first started going, I used to perch on the edge of the chair with my hands gripping the edge of the seat each side of me, which she said made me seem nervous and unapproachable. Since then, I make sure to relax back into the chair!

She once impersonated how I was acting - quiet and avoiding her gaze - to demonstrate how I may come across to people...

I do try and make quite a lot of eye-contact, but sometimes I worry if I maintain enough/too much and then actively try to correct it.

Sometimes I 'talk' with my hands...

I often find myself from fidgeting with jewellery, or tapping/running my fingernails along the chair arms... so far no comment from T on that, lol, but I imagine she notices, so sometimes I make an effort to keep my hands still.

Just wondered what you guys make of this - and if you are aware/made aware of your body language in therapy. Do you fidget? What do you do? Do you try to stop and act in a measured way? Does your T comment on it? Is it something you even think about? Is it 'normal' for me to analyse my behaviour this way...?


Interested to hear your thoughts and experiences! xx

I've explained to my T that it's hard for me to talk and make eye contact at the same time, that verbalizing what I'm thinking takes so much mental energy I don't have a lot left over to stare her in the eye. I do try to make eye contact when she talks to me though. Body language is just another way they can "hear" us. She is probably pointing out what you do because part of their job is to mirror what we give out so we are fully listening to ourselves.

And I fidget like crazy in most situations, I can't sit still to save my life. I'm a kinesthetic learner. I wouldn't stress yourself too much. I talk with my hands too, but mostly when I'm hypomanic.

I fidget intensely when I'm in T's waiting room and during the first few minutes of a session...at first she'd look at me and ask if I was ok, that I looked really nervous. Now she just knows that it's normal for me, and that it goes away after a few minutes.

T does comment if he senses a shift...he'll say "you seem scared all of a sudden" or whatever...I think he's aware before I am a lot of the time.

But I am VERY VERY fidgety in therapy. I am ALL over the couch, sitting up, lying down, lying on my side, on my stomach, sitting on one side of the couch, sitting on the other, sitting in T's desk chair, trading seats with T, etc etc etc. If he commented on my fidgeting, that's all we'd talk about in therapy

There is one thing he almost always comments on now. When I get triggered, I put my arm out with my hand like "stop". I didn't even know I did that, but apparently I've always done it. Just a few months ago, he pointed that out to me. Now when I do that, he'll check in with me to see if it's too much, etc.

I'm a really active person, but I think I move more in therapy than ANYWHERE else in my world.

I try not to be too aware of my fidgeting. body language, etc. My T can read it very well and it tells him how I'm feeling, whether I can express it verbally or not. At the beginning of the session I can't help noticing whether I'm sitting back with my arms folded, or perched on the edge of the seat, or whatever. But after that I forget about it. We're still getting to know each other, so I figure I'm giving him valuable information about myself by not trying to control my body language, but let it speak for me.

So far he has not commented on any of this except sometimes to interpret it. Last session he said, "You're very agitated today" - yeah, I certainly was, and all my movements were expressing it. I wasn't very good at getting the reason for the agitation out - maybe next time? - but I was expressing it to him and he got the message.

My T has made it very clear that all emotions are welcome in his office, and he means it. Whatever emotions I'm feeling and how I demonstrate them are "OK". The emotions come out - we talk about them.

I talk with my hands too - a lot!

Good topic - I'm interested in hearing other people's experiences.

I always have a hard time sitting still. At my pdoc even though been seeing her for years I still get nervous talking about my symptoms

I'm not normally fidgety but I fidget up a storm in therapy...If I have a paper in hand I fold it and refold it and curl it. I pick at my finger nails if I'm not holding anything. Sometime I bring a water bottle to hold. I move my feet. I'm self conscious of all my movement so one day I told T she'd just have to accept it and I keep doing it because it feel comforting somehow. She's never commented on it, though.

Treehouse - you trade seats with T? I don't know if I could initiate that. Wow. How does it feel?

It depends.

The first time, it felt weird. I was probably a couple of years into therapy, and going through this huge testing thing with T. Could I wear his glasses? (yes) wear his watch? (no) Go through his desk? (NO). Play with things on his desk? (yes) Sit in his chair? (yes!) LOL. I kind of can't imagine asking for that stuff now, but for a while there, I just asked anything and everything. I think there was a lot behind it, actually.

Anyhow, the first time I sat in his chair and he sat on the couch, it was like the dynamics shifted. T looked so comfortable on the couch, and not like his normal self (not that he doesn't always look comfortable, but he was just sitting differently than he usually does). It was just strange.

For a while, when I was really scared, I would sit in his chair. It felt so much more "contained" than the couch. I could sit in his chair and put a pillow on my lap or cover up with a blanket and feel super contained and safe.

And other times, I just liked sitting there, because it made me feel more bold about asking questions (if you can believe I could get more bold! ) and it seemed like it made T more open. We've actually both noticed that we relate a little differently to each other depending on where we're sitting. I guess after 54859472504725984725 hours of sitting together in that room paying such close attention to each other, it makes sense that we would notice little shifts.

I've only really sat in his chair a handful of times over the years...maybe 10? 15?...and I haven't sat there in a while.

Therapy is so strange, isn't it????

I am super fidgety all the time...more so when I'm really anxious. My T uses it as a gauge for how anxious I am about something. My T does not comment on it in a negative way, because she knows that it's something I've always been "scolded" about and I've always tried to control. I'm trying to learn to be more authentic, more myself, and "myself" is fidgety...so my T encourages it.

If I'm way more fidgety than usual, or my posture is more rigid than usual, my T will make an observational comment on it and just ask what's going on at that moment. But, she never makes a judgement about my body language. It's one of the many things I so appreciate about my T.

Because I'm hyper aware of my own body language, my T doesn't really need to point out to me how it might be interpreted by others. I already know that, and use it to my advantage (to either push people aware, or allow a connection). My challenge is to just "be" and not fit my body language to the situation, as I've always done.

That is food for thought. Thanks for sharing, Tree. I hope I can gather the courage to ask to do that.
Yes, therapy is very strange experience. I like your line about the number of hours you've spent paying close attention to each other. That mutual attention seems so important - I feel like I'm still learning the ropes..

I'm usually very much afraid of maintaining eye contact, but the way my T commands mine, it seems rude when I stare at the floor. Even though she intimidates me (walking contradiction, anyone?)
I try my best to maintain eye contact, as she does with me... but when I'm saying something distressing, I look around, or at the floor.
As far as talking with my hands, I was concerned with my body language for the first session, and then I realised I mimicked hers... So I sit back and cross one leg and lean on one of the arms.

I sometimes try to make an effort to look more relaxed, but for the most part I'm aware I'm not looking at him. crossing my legs, sometimes my arms, sometimes swinging my leg or rubbing my hands nervously on my leg or shifting around in the chair nervously. For the most part I let myself do it. I usually imagine myself sitting somewhere else in the room but I don't do it. I imagine sitting on the floor or in a different chair. We actually just sit in the two comfortable chairs, we switch which ones. T's room is very small, so there's not a lot of other space.

Learning - I've wanted to sit on the floor, too! But I haven't. My t always sits in the same spot. I've moved. I don't think she'd be open to moving.

sorry your t isn't comfortable with that BJ
I think my t would be okay with it but i'm afraid he'd find things to read into it.

i love sitting on the floor. i don't know if i will ever sit on the couch again. plus, new carpet, so the padding is great on my butt.
i want to sit in t's chair sometime, i don't know if he would go for it. he has some sort of panic button on the inside of it...

i have gotten more bold and asking more questions. but still no eye contact. feels like he could see right through me.

and does anyone ever feel like they are under a microscope with t staring like they do???? really un nerves me some days

jbmomg- Maybe I will try sitting on the floor one of these sessions! Tree started me thinking about asking if I could sit in t's chair. She seems like she wouldn't go for it - like yours, she has some sort of panic button near it.

Great thread! I try to control my movements as much as possible. Early on I did discuss with T the fact that I always grab my water bottle when I am uncomfortable and that I wanted to stop doing so because I should not need a security blanket, but then I wondered if maybe she needed me to reach for the bottle so she could better read how I was feeling. At that point she gave me permission to not worry about what she needed and only worry about what I needed at any given time. This past week I twisted the bottle cap so hard I broke it.

I have thought about switching seats one day as there are lots of other options in her office. Sometimes I wonder what she would do if I tried facing away from her one day. I might feel like I could talk more freely if I didn't see her looking at me all the time. So self-conscious.

Early in my therapy I fidgeted constantly, was very aware of it, and worried about it. I was so wholly anxious that there was no reason for my therapist to pinpoint my fidgeting as evidence of my feeling anxious.
Then I fidgeted less, but a lot, and didn't worry about it.
Now I sometimes fidget and can recognize it as a way of knowing that something is affecting me or that something is on my mind that I am having trouble reaching or expressing.
So, it got better as I became more comfortable with my wonderful therapist, with the process of therapy, and with myself.

Analyzing this is fine. It's something that interests you.

It sounds like fidgeting and thoughts about eye contact would be great topics for you in your therapy

I think fidgeting just reflects what's going on inside. I fidget mainly with my hands, but if I make an effort to stop them, the effort means either I forget what I am saying, or the figet will come out somewhere else, like in my toes. Have you ever held the end of a cats tail while they are flicking it around? The flick just travels further up the tail - like it has to come out somewhere (I adore my cat by the way and never do this in a cruel rough way, just when we are having a play).

Sometimes I do try and stop, by sitting on my hands. other times I am glad I am wearing a scarf with tassles so that I can twist them around.

If T mentions it either I do try and stop, or I just take note as well and carry on fidgeting - depends how I am feeling.

T and I sit on the floor sometimes. It feels so safe and contained down there...surrounded by furniture.

Obviously, feeling safe and contained is a big deal for me in therapy! I never realized what a huge thing that was until this thread. I wonder if that's why I don't need to switch seats/sit on the floor as often anymore...because T's office feels like it can be my safe container. Hmmm.

I am a fidgeter too. Usually with my hands. I also talk with my hands . . . a lot. Last week, I had an iced coffee in my hands and I would use the straw to stab the ice at certain times. A couple of weeks ago, I was talking about whether or not I wanted to give my journal to T and I had this nifty bag with me where the handles twist around and around. He definitely had some nonverbal reaction to it but didn't say anything. I look away, out the window, away from his gaze, sometimes when I talk about something difficult. I find it astonishing that when I look back at him, he is looking at me in this calm, centered, kind way. That feels like he is always willing to connect with me when I am ready.

I am quite sure that my T is paying attention to these nonverbal signals. He has talked about how communication is to a large extent nonverbal in a generic way. I have interpreted that as him letting me know that he gets what I'm saying even if I don't say it.

Anne

LOL, be careful! one day i asked t to turn around, just could not having him staring at me for one more minutes, he did, and i got to stare at the back of his head, (which i didn't know was going bald) any ways, worked really well till i got up to leave, session was over and then i saw that he had a perfect reflection of me in his window.... so much for that...

hi everyone.great post.my T comments only when i am sitting in the chair holding myself tightly.she said i look like i am just trying to hold it all together and that i am about to explode if i relax.she always comments about that for some reason.she will say something like you are holding yourself so tight again do you need to do that today/etc...once i was digging my nails into my arm and she asked me to stop nicely.
we also sit on the floor and i tend to be more relaxed. something happened and i stopped sitting on the floor for a bit but T has reciententally invited me to do it again and it is ok.she has also said i could sit at her desk if i wanted.TREE i think of you swiveling in T chair lol.havnt been able to do that yet.i like sitting on the floor because i fidget less and feel more grounded.it is funny how it never crossed my mind untill she asked me if i wanted to.

This is an interesting topic. I am extremely fidgety, I'm constantly picking at my nails, never lean back on the couch. I have trouble making eye contact, particularly when I'm emotional (it's pretty much impossible). If I do start crying and need a tissue, it ends up wadded up over and over in my palm in different shapes.

I had an ER doctor comment on my body language once, when I was there for something unrelated. He said, "Look at how you're sitting right now. You've got your knees up to your chest, your arms wrapped around your knees, you're rocking... obviously you're pretty tressed out." It was a weird experience to have that pointed out. I was surprised he took note of it, and when he said it I noticed it and got an insight into how I was actually feeling about my situation. There was some weird stuff happening in my life and it was pretty darned uncomfortable, and I guess I hadn't really admitted how bad it was.

I do think a bit about my body language, but I don't see that trying to act differently than what what I do naturally would be an improvement of the situation, it would just be hiding how I feel, and hiding my true nature. The only time I do that is when I'm intimidated or afraid of a situation and I don't want people to know that they, or the situation, are bothering me, and don't want to draw attention to myself by showing that something is wrong.

I don't think that would be helpful in therapy, but I don't know. Maybe it would be like a form of biofeedback? They say if you smile more, you are happier, it can work in that order. So maybe if I act relaxed and comfortable I will be relaxed and comfortable? I don't know if I can do that :P

Typically I have the frozen, deer in headlights thing going on with T. She is VERY attentive though. I even count the seconds on the inhale and exhale to keep my breathing consistent! I know a lot about non-verbal messages and how much they communicate and have been hurt very, very badly before because people could read signs I didn't know I was sending. But my T still picks up on a lot... much more than any other T I have worked with. Honestly I think she can notice when my eyes dilate from across the room even if I am not looking at her! I guess the most obvious signal I give off is how close I sit to the arm of the couch (we are talking differences of an inch at most). Once I sit I don't move. Oh, I do let out a DEEP exhale when she locks the door. I would LOVE to sit on the floor and I am pretty sure T would be OK with it but I am terrified. T usually uses what little I do give off to comment on how I might be feeling seeing as feeling words are not a strength. Once when I got really scared I pulled a pillow up against me and she offered me her BIG stuffed bear. But even then I said I was OK and put the pillow back.
If I sat on the floor with Pdoc she wouldn't be able to see me from behind her desk. It would totally weird her out. But even when Pdoc is all up in my stuff it doesn't feel as threatening as just being with T. I too need to feel contained and Pdoc seems to be able to do that with her presence... even if she is ADHD and usually distracted.
Massage T is where I must look absolutely nuts. I sit on her couch before and after she works on me in the same deer in headlights way I do with T. I know she is watching my breathing so I am especially attentive to that. But... When I am on the table I am OK. I can move and allow body language laying down or sitting up... and I can sit cross legged or with my knees to my chin... two of my favorites. The table is absolutely MY safety zone and massage T knows it. So we spend a lot of time with me sitting on the table talking to her. I can tell her anything from that table but have a hard time talking about anything real from the couch. And... then I have a part (DID) that will only come out with her if I am sitting on the couch. The part will do co-consciousness on the table so she can feel the massage and there are special places we work on just for that part... but she will not come out, talk, interact or let herself "be seen" unless she is on the couch.
Oh, and then there is the other T in my T's building... I had taken a class with her some 10 years ago. Thankfully I don't think she remembers me. She always tries to be nice and gentle, especially because I greet her by name if she walks in the room... But you can tell she is confused. Because I am not usually expecting her to walk in it is hard for me to control my non verbals when she does... And my non verbals SCREAM the farthest reaches of both terror and lust. IMO she is one of the most gorgeous people on the planet and I know I don't hide that worth a darn. I am sure the terror is equally as obvious given the oh so very confused but gentle look and soft "hi" I get in return.