Why is it okay for some to exchange emails?

Actually I have supported Rainbow quite a bit with these issues in her prev posts.

Thank you,I was unaware and initially had this feeling that I didn't have all the picture,and thus 'felt' I shouldn't respond til I did have.So,I respectfully apologize.I need to heed my instincts.~W~

wolfsong, Kacey was just curious, not unsupportive of me. to both of you!

crazy, what you wrote is so cute! Thank you.

I'm glad the posts continued because it gave me a lot to think about. Thanks for starting it, Rainbow!

I think, like others have said, that the issue is in the expectations around emailing and responses. You seem to expect and want much more than your T is willing to give.

For ME, I struggle with reaching out to others. I'm also much better at expressing myself with the written word. My T allows email because she knows it encourages me to reach out to her, and it feels like a "safe" alternative to me. Also, there are times when I need to be able to process a session and then express my feelings and that is easiest for me in writing. However, when I email my T, I know that she will only read/respond to emails once per day...usually in the mornings, and not on weekends. I know that she will not do therapy by email, and that her replies will generally be encouragement or affirmation of things I've stated in my email. If I ask her a direct question, and it's something she can easily and simply answer in an email, she will do so...otherwise, she'll tell me that we'll talk about it in session. I know that her replies will generally be brief, and I'm okay with that. I tend to limit my emails to no more than one or two per week, and simply don't feel comfortable with more than that...sometimes I don't email at all. My T has only one condition around email, and that's that if I feel I'm in crisis, I must call her (or a crisis line) rather than emailing. I readily agreed to that. We've talked recently about emailing, after I sent her a long, emotional email. After we talked about it in session, I apologized for "dumping" on her. She told me that she didn't feel I was dumping anything on her, because she knows that I will talk about the email in session. She would only have a problem with it if I sent the email and then refused to ever bring it up or talk about it or try to work through the issues I raised. When I email my T, all I really want from her is to know that I've been heard, and to put things out there that I might need help bringing up and talking about in session. So, her responses to my emails fit in exactly with what I expect and need.

I used to be so jealous of those who are able to email their T.
Then she said we'd try it and 'see how it goes'.

And here's how it goes most of the time:

We can talk some more about this.

Sent from my iPhone

On Oct 2, 2011, at 11:02 PM, ECHOES wrote:

....T....,
I'm sorry for saying that you don't care. I know that you do.
I don't ever want to get in such a painful emotional state like that again.
That was the worst I have ever felt and I feel awful for the phone calls afterwards.

ECHOES

oy. lol

Rainbow, I'm as BPD as they come but I don't behave like you so if you're looking for excuses, don't use that one

Elli-Beth: You're very welcome. I am glad that my threads help others as well as myself.

BR: I'm happy that email works for you. You and your T have worked out a good balance that's helpful, which is what it should be. Thanks for sharing. As far as my wanting more, that's true, even though I know the way my t will answer. In spite of knowing she'll only write something positive and brief (which is nice) I can't handle it so it's better that she doesn't answer at all. That is working out for me, and I'm proud because it was MY decision, not my Ts!

ECHOES: Yeah, that's how it goes with my T too, and I'd rather not have it at all!! Thanks.

Flooded: To be serious, I think more people with BPD have problems with email than not. Also, we are each different, even with BPD. How about if I blame it all on the weather?

Is BPD Borderline Personality Disorder or BiPolar Disorder?

BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder.

BPDs are cooler than bipolars FWIW

Really, I had no idea. I must exchange my bipolar BFF for a BPD, then.

Anne

Just wanted to add my 2 cents.

I think Rainbow posts about attachment-like issues because that's where she's at, and I think the posts are popular because I think alot of us have a similiar struggle so what she writes about reasonates with many, including myself.

We all have different ways of processing stuff, and if this helps RB, then by all means keep posting!!!

For me, my T is terrible with email, but we text, a lot. Some may say it's boundary crossing, but for me, in many ways it's been life saving. She has helped me 'normalize' my feelings around my needs and dependencies.

It's not perfect, and it's wrought with slippery-slopes, and it's caused issues, but we work thru them. And I think for me, that's one of my therapy goals. To stick with a relationship even when it gets hard.

I think I have said it before but can't remember, my T puts no restrictions on my e-mails and answers them, usually briefly with a sentence or two, occasionally more.I am the one that worries about writing too often and limit myself to no more than one between sessions and sometimes not at all if I don't feel I need to. Last week there was something he said that confused me and I felt two different ways depending on how he meant it. I chose not to e-mail about that because that was something I needed to see his face, body language etc. to help me understand what he meant. An e-mail could have confused things more.

I guess I use it more for when I need reassurance that he is there for me and is supportive of me. Also, just to listen to a story about some part of my life that we haven't had time for in session. He knows I write better than I talk.

Which is precisely my point. We ARE all different. So what works me for won't necessarily work for you..like email. I control myself by firing off emails to a random address I made up because I WANTED to change MY pattern.

I don't see you wanting to change yours.

OUCH, Flooded! If the thread is triggering you or making you feel frustrated just step away from the keyboard or move onto another thread. You are truly correct in saying that we are all different and that equates with allowing Rainbow to process her issues in her way . . .and that is probably going to be different than how you process or deal with difficult issues.

Let's let her heal in her own way and at her own pace. I don't know about you but I leave the razor sharp confrontations to a person's therapist because I know without a doubt that I have my own blind spots.

Flooded didn't mean any harm. She's just very direct, which makes you wonder how she manages to send her fiery emails to a fake email address...

Oooh all this talk makes me wanna text my T SO BAD!! I have something SO FUNNY to tell him! I also want COOKIES! Both not good for me, both live in fantasyland. Really, I would rather see his face tomorrow when I tell him my little newsflash in person, and my butt after a year of NOT eating cookies. I haven't got time for the pain, I haven't got room for the pain, not since I met you - Carly Simon

flooded, I'm going to start a new thread about my session today. No one is forcing anyone to read my threads or respond. But it hurts me to read that you think I don't want to change my pattern. I DO!!!! I have finally realized that I feel bad because of my attachment to my Ts. We talked about goals today. I told her I am going to wait 24 hrs. before I email and try not to do it at all. I'm not going to google her or her family or look her up on FB. We're going to work on the child/infant parts who want to do that and why. My threads have helped me see the bigger picture. The gains from my "pattern" aren't worth it. I'm too miserable. But it's hard for an addict to give up drugs or whatever. I wish you'd have some compassion for me but if you don't it's okay too.

just wanted to say, writing my post above did help me get over my urge, but re-reading it, I kind of sound like a butt. no wonder t tells me I sound like my mother when I am in MY cloying "pattern" with him. R8, just did not want you to think I was being a butt.

I'm going to put you on my ignore list. Your constant posting triggers me.

Okay. But I thought you said I wasn't trying to change my pattern, and I just said I AM. There aren't any rules about how often someone can post, are there? I'm sorry you feel the way you do about me and I wish you well.

Rainbow, when you show as much honesty as you do, it can upset some people. It's not about you. What is about you is your process and your decision to work through it in an open forum. I call it courage.

We all have free will in regard to our own self care to avoid threads that trigger us. You just keep doing the work and being honest about it and I promise you, progress will be made. I already see it.

*sigh* I don't understand why this has become so personal to a person outside of rainbow.It is PSYCH CENTRAL....no? I'd not know wth to do with myself if I was this intense about something,knew how it looked....and still couldn't help it.That's just compounding it or at least feeding the issue junk food.S..t I obsess and worry about so much stuff....and it is fruitless to do so....yet I do...and sometimes it is not within my power to stop myself.It sucks.I just want you to know rainbow,many here feel for you,and will read....and if it becomes too much,we will just do self-care. And that's another thing.It was not essential to state..."I'm putting you on my ignore list" That was mean.It could have been just....done....not mentioned.

Rainbow, I owe you an apology. My words weren't meant to hurt you.

I see so much of what you post in myself and I never wanted to admit it to myself.

I'd type more but I broke my thumb in a rage and can only use one hand.

I'm sorry.