Why is it okay for some to exchange emails?

squiggle, thank you. I wish I could handle emails the way you do. I do realize that many Ts don't allow it at all. This is the first T I've had who did, and I was so happy to learn that I could email her!

Flooded: thank you. Maybe I'll have a special folder for emails I wished I could send my T but didn't!!

WePow: I know you've struggled with your T's email policy especially when he doesn't answer you. I admire you for accepting it molre graciously than I have accepted my T's policies.

I thought I mentioned this before - my previous pdoc feels emails and phone calls to T, are like his kids knocking on his bedroom door - they wanna know what's going on, and they want to stop it, and they don't like being excluded (ring a bell?). My long-term lady T gave me a similar lecture about phone calls (before email was invented). My current T SOMEHOW sent me an email intended for his girlfriend (and I use the term LOOSELY, if you get my drift), claiming his email was hacked. That cured me of wanting to peek!

I mean, don't you (not just R8) wonder what T's are doing when they get your email? Not to embarrass anybody, but now I know for SURE that mine is answering hot letters from some chickie. But even so, before I would picture him coming home from an evening out and maybe checking for email from his kids, and there is one from ME, sent on a Friday night, what a loser I am.

I was exposed to my parents sex life in a weird way, in that it was in my face but I was supposed to not know it or acknowledge it, and that's what it feels to me is going on here. Something is (or was) going on that was not acknowledged, that made you feel all these feelings that are wrapped up in this. I had spoken to previous T's of my "exposures" but never accessed any feelings. When I got my T's errant email, I worked thru it here on PC and in daily sessions with him for a week, and now I never email him anymore.

More rambling - in the last few years I was computer programming, I was working on programs that were so effed, you could not change them where you expected to change them. You changed some OTHER line of code, tested the program, and if that worked, then that was the right change, even if it didn't look like it. Kinda like adding salt to make a dish taste sweeter. And like my coffee mug example earlier today. We are not cars. You don't fix the part that APPEARS to be broken. You adjust something else, and that fixes the broken part. Heretofore to be known as Hankster's theory of replacivity.

winterbaby: I don't know what you mean. Some T's do therapy via email and don't charge for it even though it's like an extra session? I don't want to see another T or have email therapy. My T does allow ME to email. She wants us to meet face to face for therapy and that's how I want it to be too.

Calista: thank you. Everyone's situation is different, isn't it?

zbmom: Right now that's how it is with my T. I don't think I'll stop emailing her if it's something I want her to know, but I won't attack her. Or is that being dishonest? I don't know; I'm getting confused.

tigergirl: I'm learning that sometimes it would be better to just go to sleep!! Thanks for understanding me.

hankster: you're very wise! Yes, I'm like the kids at my T's bedroom door with my emails. What an insight. thank you. Yeah, you know I HATE being excluded! I like "hankster's theory of replacivity"!

I tried to be very careful when it came to the whole email thing. I knew that if I ever let on that I was upset about a response, that I would run the risk of her stopping them altogether.

Sometimes I will read them to my husband and get his perspective on what she writes. He sees things totally different than I do. It helps me to talk with him about what she says. That way I can see that I am probably being way too emotional and sensitive.

There could come a time when she stops email, but I think that will only happen if I let things get out of hand. If I demand a response, or tell her I didn't like what she said or how she responded.

I am not sure that I handle them that well. I just don't want her to stop them, so I try to refrain from making too big of a deal about her responses. Yes, we do talk about them in session, but I don't write her back and say, "I hated your response!"

This thread has me triggered as well. I think it is a good trigger (if that makes any sense). It has me thinking about how often I email and what I say. It makes me wonder if what I write to her every week is really that necessary?

She says that it is. She totally sees email as part of my therapy. She tells me over and over to "Keep them coming." She is the one who encourages me not to stop. She thinks it helps me process between sessions and this is all a part of my therapy.

If she ever cut them off, I would be devastated! I would rather it be me that stops, not her. If she does it, I would feel all the rejection, abandonment, and betrayal feelings again. I hate to feel those!

This is making me want to email her and ask her if she is sure that I am not driving her nuts with email. I am going to try not to do that because she has told me 1,000 times that they are not bothering her. If I aggravate her to death, she may tell me to "Leave her alone on her time!"

Rainbow...

After reading all of the posts from people who have successful e-mail relationships with their Ts, I thought you might benefit from a different kind of response. So, here goes...

I don't e-mail with my T precisely because, if I did, I would be in much the same boat you are in now. It would start of innocently enough but, after awhile, I would start writing her longer and more frequent e-mails and I would start hitting "refresh" in my inbox to see if T had responded, and when I got a short, standard response, I would feel as though my T didn't care enough about all of the important, sensitive information I shared with her. I would then respond-- not by backing off like perhaps I should-- but by writing her even more personal and even more intense e-mails in order to try to elicit a bigger response. It would be a disaster. So, for me, I know that I can never start e-mailing with T because there is no possibility that it could end well. It's something I have to accept.

So, while e-mail may be a productive therapeutif tool for others, I benefit more from T establishing clear boundaries-- and then respecting them. This means that I also have to sit with my feelings even when I FEEL like I want to contact her. It's not always easy. In fact, sometimes it's quite hard. But it's something I have to do. I used to be really bad about maintaining appropriate boundaries-- and other people used to enable me by accepting my boundary crossings or crossing the boundaries themselves. For me, I struggle with wanting to "push" a mother/daughter relationship on older women who take an interest in me. For awhile, things would be wonderful-- but then I would want more and I would push too much-- and my pushing would push them away. I know that I still have those same desires, and that mother/daughter dynamic still comes up with my T. It would be SO EASY for me to test T's limits and see how much of maternal attention I could get her to give me. I know that I could "get more" out of her if I tried-- she has some flexibiility and I could push a bit more before I reached her limit. But, to do so, would be to display negative behavior that I have worked hard to change. It is SO much better to control my behaviors, to exercise patience, and to allow T to CHOOSE to share personal details with me, CHOOSE to tell me that she cares about me, and CHOOSE to ask me questions like "how can I support you?" This is the first time in life I haven't "pushed" someone to give me those things and, instead, let someone come to me and offer them. It feels so much better to know that when T offers things to me, she is doing so because she WANTS to, not because I am making her or she wants to appease me. As a result, my relationship with her is so much stronger AND I feel so much better about myself. It's taken a year and a half, but my feelings of neediness are also subsiding. They're not gone-- they're something I still struggle with sometimes-- but they are not nearly as strong as they used to be. And, when they arise, I'm able to control them. When I feel like I want to e-mail T or call T or text T, I write in my journal. (I keep a therapy journal on my computer). I write down everything I want to say if she were going to read it-- but I don't send it. However, those times when I write down something I DO want her to read, I print it out, and I bring it into session. She reads it, and then we talk about it. This is much better for me because it gives me the option of showing her how I was feeling during the week, but it maintains her boundaries (and mine) of only doing therapy during session-- and it ensures that she will respond, in detail, to what I share. Because I have her right there, I can ask her follow up questions and make sure that we discuss everything we need to. I'm not left with the feeling of having shared something meaningful with T and then getting a response like "the weather is nice today." That woudl be too painful for me. Anyway, I'm probably sharing more detail than you need, but I just want you to know that you are not alone-- you are not the only one who cannot do e-mail with T! And that's OKAY. For me, it's more therapeautic that T does NOT do e-mail... and I think a sign of a good T is somehow who will enforce boundaries when they need to. Sometimes, we have to learn that what we want may not actually be good for us!

Rainbow I think the email thing depends on 2 things

1. The client needs to determine what benefit they hope to receive from being able to email. For me I would have seriously evaluate why I feel I need the emailing and what my expectations are of my therapist and be very honest with myself about it.

2. Talk over these things with the therapist and see if this is acceptable to him/her. I would lay out minimum expectations if it is good or a compromise can be worked out that also benefits you then I say go for it.

Ultimately I wouldnt want more "issues" because the extra contact to overshadow the work in session. For me it just wouldnt work for me I know that it would become more of a distraction than a help. If it is an option, it is something one has to work out the best perameters that is workable for the T and still beneficial for the client. Sometimes this can happen and other time it doesnt...and the reasoning is very individual.

the biggest thing that strikes me as a reason why you, specifically, shouldnt exchange emails with your therapist, is that you seem to be doing it as a way to avoid dealing with your own anxiety. there are two problems with that: (1) it doesnt give you an opportunity to be with your feelings, to feel them and think about them and understand them, and (2) it doesnt work! it only leads to more anxiety and then you're calling up your therapist desperate for reassurance.

from all the posts of yours that i've read, emailing does you more harm than good.

I could have written this myself. All but the therapy journal. I actually bring the letter with me to the session and she reads it and responds to everything on the spot. I know that emailing didn't work for me (with previous T). It only increased my anxiety and i was bound to be disappointed. Current T doesn't do emails, so I simply don't email her. But she will read anything i bring into the session and we always talk about it. That's the whole point.
She allows me to call her when i need to share with her something. Sometimes she will call back, but only if it seems like i need that.
Love her .

I'm with Scorpiosis in her take on emails. Although, at times, I've been jealous of those who can email their T's, I also know that for me it would be a slippery slope that would be hard to maintain and that I'd probably end up in a similar situation as Rainbow. The boundaries are good and I never have to wonder if I've gone too far in emailing because I'm not doing it at all. And I think that having T 'available' at all times would make her too enmeshed in my day to day life. I also think Dr. Muffin has made an excellent point.

I email and T has even bought a new book out called "distance pyschotherapy" I laughed when I saw it said "is that incase you get it wrong?" Lol.

But we do get it wrong sometimes, but that's part of the whole thing, its the working through and understanding why I felt her response was wrong or not as I wanted that is part and parcel of my therapy. Some people may feel they cannot conduct therapy through email, and that's ok, but they shouldn't put it on the client, they should own they don't feel secure enough in email. I've really acted out through email and it was handled just as it would be during f2f session. Sometimes I just wanted a top up between sessions and wrote any old rubbish just to get T's "attention" and that's ok too.

From what you've written, I've gotten the impression that you have impulses to email T and don't try to control them. You just send off an email telling your T all about how you are feeling, etc., without trying to manage on your own or with the help of family and friends, writing in your journal, etc. I think if you can learn to control your behavior, and not email her about whatever is going on in your life at the moment, then you could return to emailing her. But it seems hard for you now to practice moderation and control, so saying "no emails" may be easier than trying to think it is allowed in some situations, not in others, etc. Just try not to do email, practice sitting with your feelings, and achieve some success. Then maybe you can add back if you still desire. It's kind of like testing for food allergies: you eliminate just about all food from your diet until you are no longer having health problems, then slowly add back one food at a time. Also, rainbow, you have written before about how your T's emails sometimes upset you. She doesn't respond as you wish and you pour over every word several times. All this can do more harm than good. So when you learn not to do that, maybe then add back the emails?

Rainbow, the reason you have different problems with your email behavior than I do, or Cindy does, or Matt, or whoever, is that we are all unique! Our Ts are unique too. You are not going to find one email rule that is best for all clients in the world. I email my T about rescheduling appointments and he is OK with that. If I emailed him about crises and feelings, he would probably not be OK with that. He likes to do therapy face to face during our sessions. I am not crushed by this. It seems reasonable to me. I like to do therapy with him face to face also. If I experience something outside of therapy that I want to share with him, I tell it to him at our session. There have been some times I emailed T and he never responded or took 5 days, and it made me feel horrible, even though I know it was probably just because he was busy, disorganized, etc. I can avoid this horrible feeling by not emailing him except when absolutely necessary. Thus, I come to no harm.

i didnt respond do to rainbows request to stop the thread but rain i hope you are ok with this.
my T stopped email do to the fact that i didn.t talk at all in T.i would send her one and not talk at all about it so she said no more.i was using the email to replace speaking and it wasnt helpfull .i was completely devistated.i think you remember.
i did then put some thought into why i liked to e-mail.it so much easier than talking face to face .and i knew if she was reading the e-mail for that moment she was thinking about me and wasnt forgeting that i exsisted and as i was writing it to her to me she still exsisted.it was so hard at first i felt miserable like i had done something horribly wrong but not e-mailing got easier over time

Rainbow,

I know you are having a hard time with all this. You have indicated that this is a pattern of behaviour for you, and stepping out of these patterns is an incredibly hard thing to do - but certainly not impossible.

This whole email and facebook thing. It's a symptom of something else. I think you know, in a wise mind way, what that something else is, regardless of what therapists have told you it is.

Personally, I think when we begin to listen our wise minds and pay attention to ourselves, then we need less from others.

How do you do this? I don't know for you, but stillness was a huge part of it for me.

That's not to say that I don't feel like crap on certain days and that wise mind gets stifled, but amid all that you have to open yourself to it. I guess you open yourself up to yourself.

Squiggle: I'm sorry you're getting triggered by my thread. You are not me! Please believe your T when she says emails are okay and are good for you. Okay?

scorpiosis: are you my twin? Thank you for making me not feel so alone!!

Exactly what happened to me! Emailing my T was a dream come true. Unfortunately, it's turned into a BAD dream for me. Thank you for posting all the details. It is SO hard for me to sit with my feelings after a session. I did try in the past to write and put my emails in my "waiting to be sent" file. I'll have to try that again. I am tearing up thinking about it though. I get panicky and sad. Can I PM you when I feel the urge to email my T? Maybe that will help. I know it's part of wanting someone to be there for me all of the time, and giving me all the attention I crave.

vaffla: My T's emails have sometimes made me feel loved and cared about, and sometimes made me feel disappointed and frustrated. That's the problem. I don't have those ups and downs now that she doesn't answer me at all. So, maybe not emailing her will have the same effect on me.

MELISSA: Thank you for your practical advice. I thought emails were benefitting me but apparently the cons outweigh the pros now.

Dr. Muffin:

I'm sorry that the quote didn't end where it was supposed to and I don't want to mess around trying to fix it. I might lose everything I wrote!

I have very mixed feelings on communicating outside of session. So I set up my boundary and decided I would not do it. It is just to emotional waiting for a response. And I do not want to become dependent on this type of communication.

Rainbow, my former T never responded the way I wanted her to in emails. It was a big issue in therapy. She almost always sounded cold and I often felt that she was trying to present herself in a different way in writing...you know, risk management-wise. I felt that a hypothetical review board was her audience when she wrote me emails. (Being an attorney, it's easy to recognize.) I also have BPD, so it's possible the reason is the same with your T? I don't know, just a thought. I think I know how you feel though...

Rainbow,you can go to the top of any page in this thread,and click on 'thread tools' and choose e-mail this page' send it to you here or @ yahoo....and thus it'd be saved for reference.

This is not to be judgemental but just an observation. It seems to me that there is a huge recurring pattern when it comes to posts from Rainbow about email and I am amazed at the continued responses. I am wondering what is so enticing about discussing this over and over again?

Kacey: I'm as curious and surprised as you are!! My threads about my attachment to my T (they aren't all about email) are getting huge responses and I don't know why!!

everyone is attracted to rainbows.

I don't really see the support here kacey2.jmo Why follow the posts?(food for thought.)Perhaps you are having a hard time in life atm?If so,I hope it gets better.