Why is it okay for some to exchange emails?

yeah, I l0ve you guys!

As far as emails, neither my doc nor my T communicate with any of their clients through email. They are always very good about getting back to me when I call and leave a message(if I need to hear back from them). As a teacher who is in constant communication with my parents, I could really see how challenging it might be for a T to add email to his/her list.

I'd like to ask Rainbow again how satisfying it is to be emailing T. Does the satisfaction come from her replies or do you gain satisfaction from being able to share your feelings in the moment?

And do her replies always satisfy? I would hate to put out a heartfelt email to T and then get a standard response. Actually, the therapy seems to be the feelings generated by being in the same room. If you took what my T said to me today and transcribed them into written words, they would have little influence or power for me. But that she is there looking at me and me looking at her and the give and take between us in real time is what makes, for me, the therapeutic process work.

I'm just realizing that this is another reason why emailing would not work for me.

I truly think that emailing a therapist is very individual. Some struggle with their therapist's response, interpreting the response (rightly or in a distorted way, as less than what they need or want). But some email their therapist to communicate something they weren't able to discuss or articulate in their session. I think it is very individual in each an every case. And I truly believe that this conversation about what we need and how it might NOT meet our needs is important. I'm not saying that we will get what we believe we need. Quite the contrary. . . sometimes what we BELIEVE we need is distorted and out of wack. But talking about it and processing it, is critical.

I know that I am in the latter group. I love being able to send my therapist a response to a session, or at some point in the week when something strikes me as critical to my process of therapy, I want to send her an email to discuss my thoughts. I usually mention to my therapist that she doesn't need to respond, but she usually does anyway. But in all truthfulness it is more often than not a comment about us discussing the topic in our next session. This has never bothered me or seemed less than what I needed. That said, I truly get that not everyone feels this way or interpretes their therapist's response as helpful or significant. This is at the heart of everyone's issue of emailing. Each of us will do it and interprete it in a different way. And if our therapist's are in tune and aware of what goes into the issue of emailing, she/he will be ready and willing to discuss it . . . and that means for as long and as indepth as we need to discuss it.

I believe that each client and their therapist needs to work this out in their sessions. I know that sounds too simple, but I truly believe that it is a critical process . .. even if the therapist tells a client that she doesn't "do emailing". The conversation of whether or not that is a "deal breaker" for the client or the therapist is important (and that goes for out of session phone calls too!). All of us, and not just us who need psychotherapy, need to learn now to negotiate life's difficult in's and out's. This is just one small place for us to practice that skill.

I work in a school and we have to work on pre-correction for children with behavioral and academic difficulties. It's a way for us to teach and practice with children the skills that they missed or never were taught. Guess what? Many of us with mental health issues missed or were absent for those life lessons. Our therapist's job is to help us with those pre-correction behaviors. Not in a childish or baby way, but in a way that allow us to express our difficulties with certain behaviors and to find ways to get our very real needs met!

I read this and I am tempted to bring up emailing to my T. But then I'm reminding myself why I won't. One of the reasons is that I would never feel o.k. about intruding into her personal time and even bringing up the subject would feel, to me, like I was intruding.

But, you're right, it is personal and I would never begrudge another person with their enhanced access to their T's.

I have not the foggiest clue as to whether my t allows or accepts emails or out of session phone calls. I'm going to guess that he doesn't.

Part of me would LOVE to email. My computer is never far away from me, and I love to communicate through email anyway. And I would love to know I'm "special" enough to get to email my t.

But another part of me is terrified - TERRIFIED - that I would send an email and then not get the response I wanted, or needed or expected. Or a canned response (like, "Thanks for emailing! We'll talk about this in session! See ya!") Or worse yet, I'd get no response at all.

I'm trying SO HARD to be OK with no email but it's for the wrong reason (obviously). I'm trying to avoid it because I don't want to deal with the feeling that I *know* the "wrong" response would bring; and right now, I just don't want to "go there". I know I will need to go there eventually and discuss that part, but oh, I don't wanna.

This is all assuming he even allows emails to begin with. Which as I said earlier, I have a feeling he doesn't. That makes me sad too. Like, what? I'M NOT SPECIAL ENOUGH FOR YOUR DARN EMAIL!?!? Deep down, I know I'm not special enough. Deeper down, I know that it actually has nothing to do with me being special enough. Deep down, I know that my problem with that boundary is just that: my problem.

So either way I lose. *sigh*



So yeah, no email for moi.

(gasp!) No soup for you?! Oh, that puts that Seinfeld episode in a whole new light! I never - I'm speechless!

And very eloquent analysis of the email situation!

LOL! I never did get into Seinfeld *dodges tomatoes*. My brother LOVES that show and always gives me a hard time because he's always making references to it and I'm just so.....clueless.

Thank you for the compliment though.

This is interesting to me because I think of email as less intrusive than calling. I do not usually need or expect a response (if I do I ask for one- which has only happened once I think). I believe they can choose when and where to read the email or whether to delete it altogether. If she reads it in her office just before I get there, or while I am there, or at her home - it does not matter to me. Before email, there were times when I would send letters. It is the ability to tell them something I want to clarify without the sludge-brainedness of being at the appointment that is important to me.

And I did not like Seinfeld either. I particularly disliked the Kramer character.

I have to agree with, stopdog, I totally view emailing as less intrulsive than calling. I love writing and the thought of calling anyone and actually talking to them on the phone sends me into a tailspin. . .. hmmmm, I think I might have to investigate that further with my therapist Okay, not really because I HATE talking to ANYONE on the phone!

But when I consider that in my quiet moments, I need to consider why that is?. ... Am I worried that if I call that the person won't answer? .... Or if I leave a message that the person won't call back because they might think the question or subject isn't worth their time? . .. .Oooooo abandonment issues! Look, what I'm truthfully and honestly trying to say is that anything we experience as difficult or awkward could be an important issue in therapy. Do we have to bring it up? Certainly not! What we discuss or bring up in therapy is entirely up to us . . .. how we heal or how we improve in our ability to cope is definitely up to us!!!
Jay

PS I LOVED LOVED LOVED the Soup Nazi episode on Sienfield. That guy was a genius . .. Okay, I admit that I didn't recognize his genius until he was five years into his show . . . I'm a slooooow learner. .. Gee, maybe that explains my difficulties in psychotherapy . .. . I think Jerry Sienfield would approve LOL

I call T sometimes but we have an agreement. She will never pick up when she sees me calling. One time she did and I got completely flustered. Also, we have an agreement that she won't return calls unless I make a request and I also never pick up. We just leave messages for each other. So, the calls ARE intrusive also but she can pick up messages when she chooses.

I've never seen a Seinfeld episode. So all references to it will pass over my head.

I think it's time for me to make an appearance in my thread! I have to go back a page or so first to post replies.

Hope4joy: that was so nice of you to write. Thank you. I need to connect with people because I'm already getting that urge to do so with my T. I posted a long "letter" to her in the "Things You Can't Say to Your T" thread and that helped a little. I want to write her a happy email but that will trigger me too, so I'm not. It hurts not to connect with her after a session, but I'm experiencing the feelings and surviving.

wolfsong: I appreciate your support and wisdom. Thank you!

flooded: Thank you for your apology and for being honest. I'm sorry you broke your thumb. I hope you feel better soon!!!

Butterflies, you have a point. Emailing takes a lot of time. I bet many Ts wish it didn't exist!

skysblue: I needed to see it all to answer you. The satisfaction used to come from both: being able to share my feelings as they happen, AND from my T's replies. The problem began when her replies DID NOT satisfy me, when she missed something important, or didn't comment on a feeling I thought was crucial. Then I became frustrated, angry, and disappointed. That's when she decided she couldn't do therapy via email and said she would write something positive and brief no matter how many times or what the content of my emails were. I hated that even though at least I knew what to expect. Sometimes, though, she'd slip up and comment more than other times. So, my feelings were up and down all the time, based on that 1 email per week! Not good!!

There is still satisfaction from my knowing that she is reading what I feel about the session, for what I write is usually about the session. I seem to think she has to know right away!! It's urgent! I have to learn that it isn't urgent. I think what helped this session is that I thought about and told her what I felt before I left, when we had time to resolve it. Last week I didn't do that so I had to send her a rude email. Or thought I had to, anyway.

Yes, I agree that it's the being there in the room with your T that makes all the difference. A written transcript just wouldn't do. It's the connection between the two of you that makes it work.

Jaybird, I agree it's an individual decision between T and client. Emailing seems to cause a lot more problems than phone calls for some reason. I don't think Ts know how to handle it yet. I wonder if it's written up in the therapy textbooks!! Thank you for your wise thoughts on the subject.

beautiful.mess: I understand your dilemma. You must not be in therapy very long or it would have come up. I know I asked my T at the first session if I could email her! I was so happy when she said "yes". Hmmm. I'm still glad I can but it sure does present a lot of problems for me! I think emailing but not getting any response is more tolerable than getting responses that can hurt.

stopdog: That sounds ideal not needing a response from your T. I'm getting used to that. I have no choice but it's better anyway. Sometimes you just want to get something out and that's a good reason to email.

jaybird: I like emailing better than talking on the phone, but my T prefers that I call if I need to. She says there is no misunderstanding on the phone like there is with emailing. Someone says something and the other person answers right then and there. She was always worried about her replies, that she "agonized" over them! I almost forgot that. She really cares a lot about me and the others she sees. I don't know if others email her or not.

This is off the subject, but I was thinking about how my T sees people for 1 hour, not 50 minutes. Or like me, 1 and 1/2 hours. She doesn't have breaks in between. No wonder she gets tired!! She works very hard but apparently she wants to give everyone the full hour. She used to go over time with me but now there is usually someone after me so she can't. Maybe she's TOO dedicated to her work!

skysblue: that's interesting that you never talk directly to your T but just leave messages. My T sometimes emails a time that she will call so I don't have to sit around wondering and worrying, but I hardly ever call anyway.l Maybe now I'll be calling her more if I'm not emailing.

I'm in a very similar position. She used to reply saying, "bring this up at the next session", then she didn't reply at all, and finally she has forbidden me to send them.

And yet I read here that others get useful replies and think it's perfectly normal.

One last thing: It should be OK to say childish things to your therapist.

This is an interesting point, acting childishly in T - maybe a new thread? When I am aware I am acti g childishly, I usually say something, because oherwise, no, he doesn't necessarily know I am aware of it, and this is a good opportunity to stop and work thru something?

I think I now have a better understanding of why my T has asked me not to email her. Her KEY objection is this:

When I send an email, it's like launching a missile: fire and forget. It gives me the feeling that I have dealt with the problem when in fact I've done no such thing. The "energy" is wasted. T wants me to bring that energy to her office.

As rainbow says:

But I do think T is a bit unworldy sometimes. Energy leaks. Better to dump it in cyberspace than on family, friends and work.

A good compromise is to write it down and read it out later.