[childofyen]

Long post. Sorry!

I can't stop obsessing about this today, so I thought I would post here about it. If you have any insights or experience or suggestions... please let me know.

Last Monday I met w/my T. We talked about how I keep giving things away without concern for myself. For example, I loaned a good friend my only bike lock not realizing that without it I had to walk everywhere (my car is out of commission at the moment.) I gave a fundraiser my last $23 when he came to my door. Then when another fundraiser came to my door recently I gave him the $60 I was about to spend on school supplies. WTF, right?

So, we discuss that for so long that I don't get to mention that I'm looking for work out of state. We've tabled the work issue until next week. Then I go to a friends house later that day. She's having a rough time and I'm telling her tools that my T has taught me which have helped me get through similar rough times. THEN...

I suggested that my friend go to see my T. She said she wouldn't since the T is through an organization that my friend works at, so I recommend she call T to get a referral. I guess I was thinking that it wouldn't be a big deal, or that my friend wouldn't do it. I mean, I give advice all the time and nobody IRL ever takes it... BUT...

The next day when I saw my friend she was like "I just met with your T! She's great! I have another appt for next week!"

.................

What did I just do?

I feel like I gave away my imaginary friend.

I talk about my T a lot because it helps me internalize what I'm learning in T. I like that no one knows my T. I don't care that my T has other patients because my T only exists in my head and in that office one hour a week. But now T is real to someone who is close to me. And I don't wanna hear about other people's sessions with my imaginary friend. I don't wanna have to censor myself when I'm talking about my T. And I DEFINITELY don't wanna move out of state and still hear about my T every week.

What did I just do?

Sorry my posts are so long. I'm not very good at telling stories. The good news is that this is the biggest problem in my life at the moment, so things aren't all that bad. I hope I can find new perspective before I see my T on Tuesday.

I'm so grateful I can vent here. Thank you!

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by childofyen

Long post. Sorry!

I can't stop obsessing about this today, so I thought I would post here about it. If you have any insights or experience or suggestions... please let me know.

Last Monday I met w/my T. We talked about how I keep giving things away without concern for myself. For example, I loaned a good friend my only bike lock not realizing that without it I had to walk everywhere (my car is out of commission at the moment.) I gave a fundraiser my last $23 when he came to my door. Then when another fundraiser came to my door recently I gave him the $60 I was about to spend on school supplies. WTF, right?

So, we discuss that for so long that I don't get to mention that I'm looking for work out of state. We've tabled the work issue until next week. Then I go to a friends house later that day. She's having a rough time and I'm telling her tools that my T has taught me which have helped me get through similar rough times. THEN...

I suggested that my friend go to see my T. She said she wouldn't since the T is through an organization that my friend works at, so I recommend she call T to get a referral. I guess I was thinking that it wouldn't be a big deal, or that my friend wouldn't do it. I mean, I give advice all the time and nobody IRL ever takes it... BUT...

The next day when I saw my friend she was like "I just met with your T! She's great! I have another appt for next week!"

.................

What did I just do?

I feel like I gave away my imaginary friend.

I talk about my T a lot because it helps me internalize what I'm learning in T. I like that no one knows my T. I don't care that my T has other patients because my T only exists in my head and in that office one hour a week. But now T is real to someone who is close to me. And I don't wanna hear about other people's sessions with my imaginary friend. I don't wanna have to censor myself when I'm talking about my T. And I DEFINITELY don't wanna move out of state and still hear about my T every week.

What did I just do?

Sorry my posts are so long. I'm not very good at telling stories. The good news is that this is the biggest problem in my life at the moment, so things aren't all that bad. I hope I can find new perspective before I see my T on Tuesday.

I'm so grateful I can vent here. Thank you!

Does your T know it's your friend? My T won't see friends or family members. And I even asked her not to. Can you call your T quickly and make that request? You need to protect the relationship you have with your T. That is one of the most important relationships of your life.

Giving away stuff you need for yourself is problematic and hopefully your T can help you with that. But now, you need to save the T relationship. Don't delay.

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Does your T know it's your friend? My T won't see friends or family members. And I even asked her not to. Can you call your T quickly and make that request? You need to protect the relationship you have with your T. That is one of the most important relationships of your life.

Giving away stuff you need for yourself is problematic and hopefully your T can help you with that. But now, you need to save the T relationship. Don't delay.

My friend told T that I was the one who referred her. My T responded that it might be a conflict of interest but scheduled an appt for next week anyway.

See, that is a perfect example of why I don't want to share my T. I don't want to know conversations that she has with other people! It's not helpful! But... I feel like I did this to myself and if I take it back now I'll be putting T in a bad position and causing tension between my friend and I.

Sigh... The most frustrating thing is that I did think before I made the suggestion to my friend... I just didn't recognize the emotional consequences. Is that denial? Did I do this intentionally? I have nooooo idea. I'm a little worried about what my T will say.

[granite1]

i'm surprised your T didn't check in with you first about this.it would make me completely uncomfortable to know my friend was seeing the same T

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by childofyen

My friend told T that I was the one who referred her. My T responded that it might be a conflict of interest but scheduled an appt for next week anyway.

See, that is a perfect example of why I don't want to share my T. I don't want to know conversations that she has with other people! It's not helpful! But... I feel like I did this to myself and if I take it back now I'll be putting T in a bad position and causing tension between my friend and I.

Sigh... The most frustrating thing is that I did think before I made the suggestion to my friend... I just didn't recognize the emotional consequences. Is that denial? Did I do this intentionally? I have nooooo idea. I'm a little worried about what my T will say.

Make the call now before your T sees her. After the first appointment it will be tougher for your friend when T won't see her anymore. Your T has you as her first obligation. Please, please let your T know how you feel now.

I think most people are not able to share their T's. What if your friend talks about what your T does in session with her? That's a terrible thing to hear.

At least make the call. What your T does about it is up to her. But let yourself be heard at least.

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Make the call now before your T sees her. After the first appointment it will be tougher for your friend when T won't see her anymore.

That's part of my current problem... they had their first session yesterday. And my friend REALLY likes her. So now I feel like I'll cause problems for T and for my friend if I say I'm uncomfortable... especially since it was my suggestion that made this happen.

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by granite1

i'm surprised your T didn't check in with you first about this.it would make me completely uncomfortable to know my friend was seeing the same T

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who would be uncomfortable. Thank you. And yeah, I'm surprised that T made a second appt. without checking in with me... but I guess that's probably because it was my idea to begin with. Man... am I unconsciously self-destructive or what!

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by childofyen

That's part of my current problem... they had their first session yesterday. And my friend REALLY likes her. So now I feel like I'll cause problems for T and for my friend if I say I'm uncomfortable... especially since it was my suggestion that made this happen.

Please then bring it up in session so your T can help guide you on how to cope with this. okay?

I did the same thing. I recommended my T to a friend. It was just afterwards I thought, "holy ****" and talked to my T about it and asked her not to take my friend as a client. Luckily my friend never called. And I had recommended my T because I thought she'd be great for my friend, not understanding at that moment that it would have been disastrous for me.

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Please then bring it up in session so your T can help guide you on how to cope with this. okay?

I did the same thing. I recommended my T to a friend. It was just afterwards I thought, "holy ****" and talked to my T about it and asked her not to take my friend as a client. Luckily my friend never called. And I had recommended my T because I thought she'd be great for my friend, not understanding at that moment that it would have been disastrous for me.

Yeah, that's exactly how it went down for me. I had no idea what I had done until after they had their first session. I know it will come up in session next week. I wish I knew what to do with these feelings in the meantime.

I feel like it's the end of an era... which is appropriate in that I'm making progress on moving into a new career and might be relocating out of state, etc. Perhaps I wanted to force the end of this relationship. I don't know. I really have no idea. And I don't like the thought that my T will have opinions on why I did what I did. Why don't I like that my therapist has opinions about my internal life? Seems counterproductive that I feel that way. Blergggggg....

[mixedup_emotions]

I can very much relate to feeling uncomfortable with sharing my T. I hate just knowing he has other clients, at times - let alone it being someone I'm close to. OH HAIL NO!

My niece wanted me to give her my T's information, and I outright told her that I did not want her seeing my T. She did not take it very well and was quite nasty towards me about it.

Then, one of my best friends who is also a great source of tumult in my life also wanted to see my T - but T imagines that it is more for information gathering, as she wants to control my life (and has badmouthed me being in therapy, etc.)....and T told me that he would refer her to someone else outside of his practice if she ever called. Whew.

I'm sure this is common with clients and their T's.....of course, not so good when it comes to them getting referrals...LOL.

[unaluna]

OMG. My (married) BFF and I ran into my T on the street at lunch one time and I was ready to accuse them of doing it behind my back. Riiiight. I think part of the craziness over this topic in general is unresolved Oedipal feelings, and/or sibling rivalry issues? (I sound like my *** brother, I'm sorry!) Hopefully T will recognize her part in this snafu and give you some real guidance instead of the usual shrinky dodge step. Cuz you might be freakin out more just because you're (maybe) leaving town? This wouldn't matter in the future, after you worked everything out, so what one thing really needs to be worked out to make it okay now?

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by hankster

OMG. My (married) BFF and I ran into my T on the street at lunch one time and I was ready to accuse them of doing it behind my back. Riiiight. I think part of the craziness over this topic in general is unresolved Oedipal feelings, and/or sibling rivalry issues? (I sound like my *** brother, I'm sorry!) Hopefully T will recognize her part in this snafu and give you some real guidance instead of the usual shrinky dodge step. Cuz you might be freakin out more just because you're (maybe) leaving town? This wouldn't matter in the future, after you worked everything out, so what one thing really needs to be worked out to make it okay now?

Ooooh... You know... This got me thinking. You're so smart, Hankster. I've been silently growing this resentment against my T. I'm sure that's not helping. I don't know what needs to be worked out. I feel like everything about the situation is screwed and the only thing I can do is leave and never talk to either of them again.

[unaluna]

I mean, it is TOTALLY about you giving things away, right? Now it's super-shoved in your face. They do actually talk sometimes when they don't have an infinite amount of time (and your money) left to eff with (do I sound angry and suspicious?).

[Sannah]

Concerning the issue of you giving away your stuff, sounds like it is your needs vs. the needs of others and you are over focused on the latter. Are you working on meeting your needs in therapy or how you grew up meeting the needs of others while your needs were ignored?

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Concerning the issue of you giving away your stuff, sounds like it is your needs vs. the needs of others and you are over focused on the latter. Are you working on meeting your needs in therapy or how you grew up meeting the needs of others while your needs were ignored?

I've been focusing on learning to identify my needs and working to get them met. I'm making progress. I've been able to have difficult conversations with friends and express myself and my needs well (compared to how I was before I began this work) and it's definitely paying off. There are still times when I don't see that I'm sacrificing my own needs for the needs of others until it's too late, so there's still much work to be done, I suppose.

[Sannah]

Good work though! This stuff changes gradually. You will get there. I know what you mean when you aren't even aware of how you are acting. Been there, done that. Working towards always being aware of what you are doing is a good goal.

So familiar.

I did something similar once. I was terminated by a T, I cared deeply about. Somehow, I blamed myself for the termination. A friend of mine needed a T so I referred her to him. ( Still cared for him, wanted him to see me favorably, wanted to stay connected, put others before myself... the list goes on and ON.)

A few months later, I saw this friend at a party and she referred to him as "a God". I left the party, sat in my car and cried and cried. AND CRIED. I kept asking myself the same question over (and over) again, "What have I done here?"

I harmed myself. Unconsciously, I probably wanted her therapy to fail too so I wouldn't feel so isolated...ALONE by the termination. But it didn't...he didn't terminate her. Instead, it wreaked havoc on my life by reinforcing all these negative thoughts and feelings I had, about me.

I realize you are still seeing your T. Please talk to her about your concerns. Be curious about your own feelings surrounding your desire to help your friend and your feelings now. Most importantly, put YOURSELF first.....You deserve it!

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by lost in termination

So familiar.

I did something similar once. I was terminated by a T, I cared deeply about. Somehow, I blamed myself for the termination. A friend of mine needed a T so I referred her to him. ( Still cared for him, wanted him to see me favorably, wanted to stay connected, put others before myself... the list goes on and ON.)

A few months later, I saw this friend at a party and she referred to him as "a God". I left the party, sat in my car and cried and cried. AND CRIED. I kept asking myself the same question over (and over) again, "What have I done here?"

I harmed myself. Unconsciously, I probably wanted her therapy to fail too so I wouldn't feel so isolated...ALONE by the termination. But it didn't...he didn't terminate her. Instead, it wreaked havoc on my life by reinforcing all these negative thoughts and feelings I had, about me.

I realize you are still seeing your T. Please talk to her about your concerns. Be curious about your own feelings surrounding your desire to help your friend and your feelings now. Most importantly, put YOURSELF first.....You deserve it!

Thank you so much for sharing this story with me. I'm sorry for the pain you experienced. I will take your advice and explore this with my T. Thank you.

I spoke to my friend about my concerns. I didn't know I had it in me to do that, but I did and it was a successful conversation. I don't know what will happen on Tues when I see my T, but this thread is helping me to sort it all out.

Originally Posted by childofyen

I didn't know I had it in me to do that, but I did and it was a successful conversation.

It shows courage and imo, maturity to speak with your friend, childofyen. I'm glad it was a successful conversation and this thread is helping you sort it all out.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by childofyen

I spoke to my friend about my concerns. I didn't know I had it in me to do that, but I did and it was a successful conversation.

Great work!!

[mcl6136]

I'm so glad you went ahead and had this difficult conversation. Pat yourself on the back for doing this.

You might actually have known you had it in yourself...or ...next time you will, right? !

A hug from me!

[noneedtoknow]

My goodness,
You were trying to be helpful to a friend. Be happy your information helped her. Good for you! What she says/does in therapy is beyond you and your power, so let it go.
Now it has nothing to do with you on any level.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by childofyen

I don't know what will happen on Tues when I see my T, but this thread is helping me to sort it all out.

Let us know how it goes. Remember - you have a valid concern. So much so that many T's have a policy not to see family or friends.