[rainbow8]

I probably know the answer, but just wondered what others will say. For ME, I've gotten triggered and upset when I didn't get the kind of response I wanted from my T. So I decided that she shouldn't email me at all. Now I'm thinking (and from the posts in my other thread getting the idea) that emailing my T isn't helping me either. That's not clear cut, though. Usually I feel better after I send them. So, why should I give up these behaviors when so many others have no problem with emailing their Ts and receiving responses?

So, why is it okay for some to email and get answers from their T? Is it because of my particular issues, I assume? Having BPD? Not being able to handle my feelings all of the time?

I'd like to say "it's not fair" but that would be childish. What's good for one client is not good for another. But why does it seem that I have to give up what others don't? I'm not being bitter about it. I am accepting what I have to do. I just wish I wouldn't have my particular issues, but that's silly thinking. I do have them.

[stopdog]

For me, I think it was okay because usually I did not want a response, although I sometimes got one. There was one time when I asked for reassurance and she wrote back, and then a couple of times she just responded on her own. Plus I did not email often - maybe once a month or every couple of months and once I sent the one email, that was usually it (all I needed) until the appointment. Finally, it seemed like any reaching out to her was seen as a positive because she thought I needed to accept assistance because I prefer to do things on my own. I do not know if this helps you, just describing my situation.

[Hope-Full]

I don't have email with my T, but I can email my nutritional T. The boundaries, however, are the same.

With my T I can call and leave a message, but T will not call back unless I specifically ask for a return call.
With my NT I can email any time, but again, NT will not return my email unless I specifically ask for it, and even then, it is only confirmation that the email was received.

All content from either call or email is discussed at my next appointment.

I know what you mean, though. I feel an incredible sense of relief after I either leave that voicemail or send that email. It's as if I'm sending my thoughts out there and they aren't stuck inside my head anymore.

I'll also say that any email or voicemail is carefully written out so it is as concise as possible, often I'll write two or three drafts in my journal first, to see if I really need to share it, and then if I do, I edit down one of the drafts to the shortest and most concise length as possible. It still helps me to get it out there, but I know I'm not dropping anything unnecessary.

[Elli-Beth]

My T doesn't trust email because he's had hacking issues in the past. But I can text or call if it's an emergency. The texting is new for him, and he started because my speech issues make calls nearly impossible for me sometimes.

I think it's not because of you and your issues, but just because the policy varies from one T to the next?

E-mails do work well for me and my T...but it's taken a while and some work to get to a point where we're both comfortable with our system. I can e-mail him whenever I want, and if I want a reply, I have to ask for one. Years ago, when we started e-mailing, I would get anxious about his reply, worried about his wording, scared if it took too long for him to get back to me...and we did talk about it...and in the end, I had to learn to accept what he was available to give me, which is a lot, really. He used to send one or two sentence responses, and now he tends to write quite a bit more.

For us, it was a matter of building up trust. I had to trust that his response/lack of response didn't reflect his caring for me...it reflected the time he had available, the energy he had, etc. His caring for me stays the same. He had to trust that I was going to be able to handle the limitations of that kind of communication, and not freak out or read too much into what he wrote (or didn't write).

For us, it's very comfortable. I know I can write, and he will take the time to read whatever I write (which I really appreciate. he remembers all of the details of my e-mails when I see him, usually more than I do.). I know he will write back if I ask, always..at least eventually. They are no more or less than they are...I don't expect that they change our relationship into a friendship, we both understand the boundaries and respect them, and it's a good, safe way to connect between appointments, when I need to.

That is how e-mail works for me. I don't know about you or anybody else, but wrote it out in case it's helpful to read someone else's experience.

I may be wrong, but it seems that maybe your e-mails with T create more stress/chaos than reassurance? Only you know, really.

[rainbow8]

oops, I don't think this thread will be good for me. Can I stop it? Sorry.

[Elli-Beth]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

oops, I don't think this thread will be good for me. Can I stop it? Sorry.

(Hug) and I love your profile pic! I'm usually on my phone instead of an actual computer so I haven't seen it before!

what is healing for one person may not be healing for another...there is no one fit for all answer. you can't fit every person's issues into a box with one type of therapy method & expect it to work perfectly...not if you want the maximum healing per person.

do you want the best possible chance of maximum healing? then at some point you have to assume that the t knows what she is doing & trust that skill & knowledge. & then let go with what questions are. you have to have some faith in the matter.

some t's allow e mails, some don't...some allow calls some don't...that is their option...not the clients. it is not up to the client to set the boundaries. the t sees X number of people/week..if everyone had unlimited access then how long would it be before they were too burned out to of any use to any of the clients? would that be of any use to anyone? no. it would be downright dangerous.

different types of therapy might have different needs as far as contact as well. i can call my t & ask for a call back or leave a message but if i don't ask for a call back it ain't going to happen. there are no e mails...not an option at all. a call back lasts about 5 minutes usually.

i read here of t's that have sand tables, do art projects etc..my t does not of that...she believes in the power of the spoken word. should i get jealous? bang my head against the wall? rage against the system? her system? i could...or i could accept the fact if i opt to work with her this is what i must adapt to...if i want arts & crafts i need to find someone else.

maybe somewhere out there there is a t who will allow you unlimited e mails, calls, family access what ever..but for it seems you need to manage within the establshed boundaries.

stumpy

I don't know that all Ts routinely email and respond to their clients... I bet relatively few use email at all - and when they do it's probably not in a 'therapy' sense, but to communicate appointment times etc. I don't think you're missing out on anything...

Maybe it's only okay to email T if it's not an issue -- like my T will sometimes email me with attached documents she thinks I'll find useful, and I email her back to say thanks... I only ever emailed her one other time because I was in a bit of a crisis and I wasn't going to see her for a few weeks, but I felt guilty about offloading my issues onto her on her time... etc, anyway...

Occasional emails are one thing -- but regular emails, expecting replies, deconstructing those replies, obsessing over them... that's another. Boundaries and blah

I think you already established that the emails weren't always good for you, because you got triggered. I think therapists are very careful about what they write in emails, and they don't always come over like they do in session...

I understand what you're saying about 'getting those feelings out there' -- does this necessarily have to be to T? Does she bring up what you have told her in email in session, and is it of benefit? Is the issue here that you're trying to keep the connection with T alive outside of sessions, or is it the process of writing your feelings down and getting feedback that you desire?

If it's the latter, then how would you feel about sending an email to someone else that you trust, or starting a thread here on the forum - we could all provide super-helpful feedback and support, I'm sure! Or you could write a blog? You could do it anonymously... I dunno, you could even PM me if you like

(@stumpy -- my T doesn't have a sand table, either!)

My therapist has her own practice. That makes a HUGE different. She only works part time, so she does not have as many clients as someone who works full time. She also does this as part of a 'ministry' with our church organization.

Email was really sticky in the beginning. I had all of the extreme anxiety waiting on a response. Yes, I did read more into her 'words' than she actually meant. It was heck to get to the place we are now.

I email 2-4 times a week. We chat quite often through email. Then again, that is because I am the only client who emails her (other than to talk about appointments). I would be terribly jealous if I found out another client started emails!

You are not that strange or weird about your insecurity with emailing between you and your therapist. I would say that the majority do not email between sessions. At least if they do, they don't always get an in depth response.

[Flooded]

I love that I can communicate via email with my pdoc, but I rarely use it and it's mainly for medication issues. I respect the boundaries we have in place that protect us both.

I did use it a lot with my previous t but there were no boundaries in that therapeutic relationship because I just didn't respect her. I literally drove her over the edge but it was ultimately her responsibility to enforce the boundaries and when it became obvious I was never going to respect her, she terminated me.

[WePow]

I use email with my T but it is something we agreed on from the start. I need that contact in order to heal from everything. He could have said "No" when I asked him in our first session. He said Yes. I even offered to pay for his time. He will reply if I say "reply needed" ... And he may reply to others. He may or may not even read what I send him. That kinda hurt for a while but I realized it was also a part of the deal.

I think it is just important to know exactly what the rules are in these situations. That keeps the client safe.

[Flooded]

oh and I started a random hotmail acct to vent my spleen at when my t pisses me off. I know it'll never get read so I don't expect an answer and I feel better doing that rather than abusing my t via email

[winterbaby]

I am off and on here but I have followed your thread and I wish that you could have a T that did email. It sounds like that would be perfect for you. Some T's do both email and in person therapy and maybe this is one of the ones that you might want to explore. Of course ifyou are attached to your T it would be hard to change but it seems, why not pay for email therapy if that's what you need. I don't see that there could be anything wrong with it as letters are a very powerful form of communication between people. You could google email therapy and see what you come up with. The best email therapists use a secure email system that is encrypted so you would not have to worry about hacking or something. Just a thought.

For me, email isn't always "ok". Sometimes I rant and rave and vent all over him. Sometimes I'm unhappy with his response or the brevity of it. I'll sulk and write another nasty email. Other times, I know he's there, anytime, with an answer or an ear. I tell him how much he means to me and he tells me he knows and appreciates it. It's like real life..we aren't allways happy with a response or lack of response....But all in all, I'm grateful for our email connection.

[stopdog]

"some t's allow e mails, some don't...some allow calls some don't...that is their option...not the clients. it is not up to the client to set the boundaries. "

I disagree with this some - or perhaps this is where my responsibility to myself as a client requires me to interview prospective therapists thoroughly. I would not attempt to work with one who would not be flexible on these matters - that is my boundary. So I think clients get to set boundaries too. It may come down to either side holding a "my way or the highway" line - but I do believe the option exists for each side and the therapist does not hold all the power.

[rainbow8]

I see what I did here, though no one is responding to THAT. I am hurting myself by this thread in exactly the way I am hurt by my T! This is certainly a learning experience. My fault, and I didn't see it coming. So, I'll answer the posts since I didn't know how to stop the thread, and didn't email an administrator to close it.

[rainbow8]

stopdog: thank you for posting twice. My T is flexible too. She allowed me to email from the start of my therapy. She changed her mind about answering them all because she saw it wasn't helping me. She's very flexible.

[Wren_]

(((((Rainbow))))) maybe email one now to ask for it to be closed, but maybe also take what you are learning and work on that also?

[zbmom]

I can email T but she won't email me back. She says it compromises client privacy or something. So I will sometimes email if there is a topic I want to address that's hard for me to bring up in person but want to talk over in therapy.

[rainbow8]

Hope-Full: I don't edit my emails to my T because I thought the idea was for her to know my uncensored feelings. Or, is that only IN the session? I was using emails like an additional session or a continuation of the one I just had, I think.

[rainbow8]

I think it's not because of you and your issues, but just because the policy varies from one T to the next?

Elli-Beth, it IS because of my issues I think, because my T is flexible. She originally answered every email I wrote her. Last year I wrote fewer, though. One a week, and they were shorter. Her policy on emails was non-existent except that she said from the start that she didn't want to do therapy via email. So, seeing that her responses were sometimes upsetting me, she decided it would be best to email me briefly, only once per week but I was still allowed to email her as often as possible. It was MY idea to tell her not to email me back anymore because her brief replies were too disappointing for me.

[rainbow8]

tree, at first my email situation was similar to you and your T's. Then my T decided she would answer ALL of my emails. That worked for a long time until the one time I got upset and emailed her too much. Her answering only once per week was a compromise, and was generally okay except sometimes. It's the "sometimes" that threw me off so I decided she shouldn't email me at all. I wish I could have been satisfied with her emails but it's part of my problem that I'm not.

[rainbow8]

stumpy, the problem is that the boundaries were NOT established by my T. She let me email and answered all of them. Then she changed the boundary because she said she had to reevaluate the situation. Then recently I reevaluated it and told her it wasn't good for her to email me at all. So, in my case, my T and I are setting the boundaries together. I don't know if that's good or bad, but that's the way it is.

[rainbow8]

just some girl: No, my T doesn't bring up what I write in my emails and that's another disappointment to me. I'm not sure if either reason is correct. Or possibly both. Often I feel compelled to tell her my reactions to the session that I have later that night. I don't get feedback from her; I used to but she stopped doing that, so I became frustrated with her emails because she would tell me to enjoy the weather, have a good week-end, and she'd see me next week. She wrote that way on purpose. I suppose I'm angry about that limit she set.

I usually post about my session here as well as emailing my T. A few months ago my T suggesting NOT posting about my sessions. It's so hard for me because I do want feedback from someone and I like writing it all out. I'll have to figure out what to do.

I understand what you're saying about 'getting those feelings out there' -- does this necessarily have to be to T? Does she bring up what you have told her in email in session, and is it of benefit? Is the issue here that you're trying to keep the connection with T alive outside of sessions, or is it the process of writing your feelings down and getting feedback that you desire?