Hating T

I hate my T tonight. It's been a year with him and I'm not getting better. We talk about nothing, even though I've presented him with a million issues. I am in there 2x a week for nothing. I hate every T I ever had. I don't usually get hateful, but tonight I am so damn frustrated. And tired, did I mention tired. I am not learning any freaking skills we haven't worked on ****. I know it's all my fault but right now I just hate him. I want to text him and tell him that, but I won't...that's not something that I am capable of. I can dream though...right? Maybe I will write a scathing email and then delete it. I hate myself, I can't be this way for another 40 years.

Hate T. Tired. No progress. No hope. Yes, I've felt like that that. The only difference is that I decided it was T's fault, not mine!

My T is dismissive of skills (that's how it looks to me). She seems to think that once the feelings are out, the skills will come by themselves. (Maybe that isn't so stupid after all...)

But if you are determined to focus on skills, there might be a style of therapy that suits you better.

Hatred. Here's how it worked for me: I attached to T, dumped my hate on her and now it's gone. It took seven years for me to say, "I do not hate you any more," but I probably had more than the usual dose of hate. She said something about me probably hating her again from time to time.

T's expect to be hated. They know it's not forever.

What do T's do with all the hatred they get? I suppose they compact it and dump it on their supervisors.

I keep thinking I hate my t now too. I don't really, and it sounds like you don't either. But it sure feels that way sometimes. I wouldn't tell him that (I hope) but it probably has helped to tell him how hopeless therapy seems several times. I don't know if it's something he did after I told him it seemed like I've been doing this for 2 years and it's not helping, but he said he'd be more patient, and at the next session he was very supportive. It helped and I felt like there was some progress for a little while.

The hardest part of therapy is learning how to do therapy. That was what my college T told me many years ago. And I hated him at the time. But he was right.
It may not feel like you are making progress, but the very act of going into session with an open heart says a lot about a person.

I don't think I have attached to T. Been with him a year, sometimes I trust him, but most often I dont.
I once told him it felt like BS from week to week. And he focused more got more consistent...but only for a bit.

I wish someone would have taught me how to do therapy, cause I really suck at it.

I know most people go back and forth between loving and hating their T, and I have done that a bit over the past year. Now it's more like an enormous weight and a lot of frustration. Funny thing is that I can't figure out what precisely set me off yesterday, how he pissed me off so badly. At the end of session when he wanted to schedule our Tues for next week I blurted out "I can't do Tues" for no reason. It almost felt like saying "I don't have time for you". sigh. I won't call back for Tues, it's not my style....I really won't even miss it. Problem is he won't either.

Related topic -- from How to Manage Depression Without Meds; "This guest article [on PC] from YourTango was written by Dr. Deb Schwarz Hirschhorn."

Is he a good fit for you?

good question. I have been through a few T's ... none were a good fit. I really don't know what a good fit would be, unless it involved a magic wand that could make me function normally again.

THese don't sound like good things.

I didn't know this is how it is for most people.

Do you or your T emphasize learning skills in therapy? Are you saying you've worked on and learned enough skills in therapy? Or you want the work to go elsewhere (away from a skills emphasis)?

I hope you can find your way to a different space, WP. Have you and your T talked about your frustration? Sounds like you may be at a juncture in therapy--ready for a new direction?

Sounds like your T is like my old T. I found out after 2.5 years that she would have been perfectly happy to sit there and waste our time until the end of eternity as long as I kept forking over the cash. With no results. I guess there are some bad eggs out there in the therapy community. They are probably pretty rare though. I think you get to a certain stage (fed up) and then you just KNOW its time to get rid of him/her and get a new T. There is no mistaking it when you get to that stage. You can just feel it - there is no denying it.

we haven't done any skills at all. No behavior modification insight either.

No. He's really easy going, and encouraging and I like that I can say almost anything with no big reaction. But I want a reaction. I want to be told what I need to stop doing, how I need to change. Feels like we are still having the same conversations we had a year ago
The hate is so strong though, I don't want to bail if something important is coming up.

Hey, ((((WikidPissah))))...

Do you think your anger is related to the fact that he was late for your session and then only saw you for 30 mins? Does it feel like he's saying "I don't have time for you" and you want to say it back, and better?! Like...you may only have 30 mins for me, but I don't have ANY time for you, you *******!

I could be totally off base, but I can easily imagine myself feeling neglected, unseen, and (most of all) unimportant if I felt like T didn't have time for me. In "real life" I'm not that sensitive about things, but with T, it's different. I NEED gentleness and care, and I NEED to really FEEL like I'm important and like T cares. This work is too too too hard as it is, and any slight question about T's feelings for me sends me spiraling into oblivion...and sometimes that spiral feels like big anger that I can't explain.

One other thought is that things happened to me as a child that I probably *should* be angry about. If I heard about them happening to another child, I would be SO angry. But feeling angry towards my abusers doesn't feel safe for so many reasons...like SO many...and I think that sometimes I feel angry at T because he's there, and he's safe. Maybe it's like practice for the "real" anger.

I'm sorry it's so hard. I hope you will call T and go see him this week. As awful as it is, it really does seem like the only way out is through.

tree...that's a good possibility. It would be illogical of me though...he's given me plenty of extra time not to mention phone calls and emails. But the more I think about it, I could tell he was distracted and anxious to end. I should give him the space to have an off day though. That should not make me angry.

Oh my gosh, if therapy had to be logical, I would have quit years ago!!! Feelings and logic don't always go hand in hand. And you know what? I tried to use logic to work my way through this stuff for years and years. "My childhood is over now, so it doesn't make sense for me to be upset about it", "I have a good life, so whatever happened to me when I was young doesn't matter", etc. It all makes sense when I write it down and look at it, but logic never got me anywhere. I had to go through what I had to go through...lots of feelings, and fears, and "not-logic", to even start to heal.

Since our feelings aren't always about what's really going on in therapy, logic just doesn't always work. Yeah, you can look at it and think "well, he's given me extra time, so this is fine". But if it triggers something in you...feeling unimportant at some time in the past, or feeling in the way, or feeling unloved...it just DOES. And it's important.

Hang in there, WP. This stuff sucks, but when we feel it and look at it honestly, we take a step forward.

Can you take some control here WP? Can you tell him "what do I need to do"?

"Not my style." A very revealing remark.

You won't admit you made a mistake, not even to your T? That's exactly the sort of thing you should be talking about.

Can'tExplain...I usually own up to mistakes fairly easily, even sometimes things I didn't do. Habitual "sorry" person..ugh. Anyways, the thing that's not my style is canceling then uncanceling....being wishy washy. I just don't want to drive him crazy with that kind of thing.

Update... I canceled my next appt with T as well. I probably will go back, but I don't see how I can get anything accomplished with this hateful feeling in my heart. I am afraid I would say something mean to him. That's a whole other issue, the fact that I am non-confrontational to a fault. When I get hurt I always pull way back, and that's what I am doing. As bad as that it, it's an insticntive behavior I can't seem to stop.

WPissah, these sound like great issues to discuss with your T. Can you talk to him about the hate that you are feeling? It is okay to say something mean to him. T's understand this stuff.

Talking to him about your reflex of pulling back would also be a great thing to talk about.

Can you make an appt. soon?

Just thinking about seeing him makes me want to puke right now. I can't handle the stress of that, plus I have a hellish weekend coming up with a family wedding and that's really stressing me out. I just don't want to rattle the hornets nest right now. Maybe next week though.

I know you've seen other Ts but it doesn't seem very productive to see a T whom you hate. Have you discussed your angry feelings in your session? Are you sure it's your T you hate and not someone else? Maybe he could help you with the stress of the coming wedding? Sorry you're under so much stress now.

I don't know about you, Wikidpissah, but sometimes we just have to let go and talk about the hating in all it's ugly rawness and/or disgusting gory detail. I know for myself that I often hold back, hiding my hatred and/or anger deep inside my heart. I hide it by talking to my T about how good she is and how accepting she is and how unable I am to make good use of her therapuetic skills . .. nothing like an outright attempt at flattery to try, usually unsuccessfuly, to put someone off the track. . . . Unfortunatley, I then go home and rage at myself, taking out the anger and aggressive anger on myself. . . jeesh, if people could only see me talking and pacing around the house as I rage at myself LOL No one gets to see that part of myself. . .. how sad that I have to hide away the rage and sadness. If I could only talk about it.

I don't want to project my own issues on your but is it possible that you aren't able to really really let your T see you for who you are because you're afraid of his/her reaction to the hatred and aggression that simmers just below the surface? I'm not saying letting anyone see that anger and hatred is easy . .. heck, I hide out all the time, running away or scuttling away like a bug from a squirt of Raid whenever there's a sign of help or self-examination. I hope you're able to find the right balance because I can hear the suffering and sadness in your writing . . . or maybe that's projection on my part again Take care!

Rainbow, I probably am angry with someone else. Most likely me. It is so hard to trust, and when I get hurt I close myself off. I have never confronted anyone in my life, I just don't know how to, so I book.

Jaybird, I am really good at hiding.

I know I need to have this conversation with someone at some point, because it's eating me up. Thank you for being so kind and supportive. I think I'll call T today and set up something.