[Out_of_denial]

I almost wish she wouldn't have. I am floored.

Dear Amy,
I screwed up and went to the wrong clinic - missed appointments and I feel like a fool. I ddn't even know it until a few days later, and then felt awful.

Amy, my screw up is not about you. I don't hate you. I am so sorry that I hurt you by not contacting you, and made you feel that you are not worthy.

Please respond to this email. You are OK. My mistake.

Could there be anything worse?

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Out_of_denial

I almost wish she wouldn't have. I am floored.

Dear Amy,
I screwed up and went to the wrong clinic - missed appointments and I feel like a fool. I ddn't even know it until a few days later, and then felt awful.

Amy, my screw up is not about you. I don't hate you. I am so sorry that I hurt you by not contacting you, and made you feel that you are not worthy.

Please respond to this email. You are OK. My mistake.

Could there be anything worse?

I'm not at all sure there could be anything worse than this, at least in terms of derailing therapy.

What are you going to do?

Peace to you.

[DelusionsDaily]

I dont know mistakes happen but this just seems out whack. Why the 5-7 day response delay. She notices it a few days later but doesnt contact you till 10 days later? Went to the wrong office ok but then all her clients just didnt show on the same day? I would hold her accountable and ask questions...that just seems unprofessional to me and a blatant disregard for her clients. If I were considering continuing I would schedule an appointment and hold her accountable and set some boundaries with her.

[WePow]

This is a good chance for you to build the relationship with your T if you want to work through it. Sometimes this can't be worked through. But just like any other relationship, we have choices to make. If you do want to work through it, respond back and just let her know how the situation made you feel. Allow yourself to be mad or hurt with T. And allow her to respond to that pain. Ask her those hard questions about why it took so long and what was she thinking!

T's are humans. Humans can make HUGE mistakes at times. But a relationship can be mended through honest communication if that is what both parties want. It won't be the same relationship. But it will be an alive relationship. And what I have learned is that by working through the ruptures, it causes the bond between me and my T to become stronger than even before the rupture.

Bottom line is that you do have a choice in this situation. And there is not a wrong answer.

[roads]

Originally Posted by Out_of_denial

I almost wish she wouldn't have.

I hear you. It would have been easier, kinder, in a lot of ways.

Whatever her reason, I guess it tells you that she isn't a tried-&-true professional. it gives you a glimpse of what the future with her may be like. At the least, hold her accountable.

In terms of your work, your may want to find a more stable therapist whose personal problems won't impact her professional work with her clients. JMHO.

But I'm so sorry this happened! Try to keep your balance--& work through this with her ASAP so it doesn't become an energy drain.

Best thoughts.

[Out_of_denial]

Thanks everybody. I agree with all of you. She did make a HUGE mistake. I do want to work through it, but I don't know if her ego will allow her to accept that it was nothing more then a simple mistake.

I am not the squeaky wheel and I give her a lot of slack. I don't think she realized just how much I hung on her every word. I don't think she realized just how devastating this would be to me. I didn't even realize it.

I did write back with how it all affected me and that the only thing that could fix it was a long and honest talk about why this happened.

I cashier at Toys r us for christmas and I'll tell you, I didn't have a ggod night there last night. I just didnt give a rats *** about people and their crappy toys.

[stopdog]

I am somewhat confused about how a t could go to the wrong clinic and not realize it for a few days. I get the perhaps going to the wrong place if you work in a few different settings, but how does it take days to realize you were at the wrong place? I wish you good luck with this and I think it is brave to try again with this t.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Out_of_denial

Thanks everybody. I agree with all of you. She did make a HUGE mistake. I do want to work through it, but I don't know if her ego will allow her to accept that it was nothing more then a simple mistake.

I am not the squeaky wheel and I give her a lot of slack. I don't think she realized just how much I hung on her every word. I don't think she realized just how devastating this would be to me. I didn't even realize it.

I did write back with how it all affected me and that the only thing that could fix it was a long and honest talk about why this happened.

I cashier at Toys r us for christmas and I'll tell you, I didn't have a ggod night there last night. I just didnt give a rats *** about people and their crappy toys.

Okay, this time of year, access to mental health services should be freely offered to all Toys R Us employees - if not offered on site at the stores. I know servicemen and women get extra pay for being in war zones. I would certainly hope that the company extends the same to its employess during the holidays. Crappy toys indeed!

So, in my therapeutic world, if I had decided to continue on with this therapist, there would have to be some significant and consistent changes that results from this episode.

I think now is a wonderful time for you to assert exactly what you want, not in a punitive way of course, but to let her know what, as a client, you will and will not accept.

Having a therapist be where they say they will be, when they say they will be there, is the absolute minimum standard of acceptable behaviour by a professional. Frankly, that is your right, not only as a client, but as a human being.

However, I think this goes beyond that. The 10 day absence? Wow!

This may, in fact, prove to be a good thing for you because you get to consolidate your desires (and rights!) and express them to another. SHe should be responsive and attentive.

You are right, this, IMO, is far from a simple mistake.

[TayQuincy]

Originally Posted by Out_of_denial

I almost wish she wouldn't have. I am floored.

Dear Amy,
I screwed up and went to the wrong clinic - missed appointments and I feel like a fool. I ddn't even know it until a few days later, and then felt awful.

Amy, my screw up is not about you. I don't hate you. I am so sorry that I hurt you by not contacting you, and made you feel that you are not worthy.

Please respond to this email. You are OK. My mistake.

Could there be anything worse?

The fact that she didn't contact you as soon as she realized what happened is so disturbing to me. That's worse than making the mistake in the first place. I have an absent-minded t, so i know it's important to work through these situations, and people do make mistakes. But 10 days?? I'm so sorry you are going through this!

i would meet with her & casll her on it. i know if i blew off my responsibilities for 10 days there would be major repercussions. personally i would be hard nosed..but that's me.

honestly after like a week of no response she would have been lucky i didn't file a missing person report...hey she didn't come to her workplace, i left messages, she never called back. i couldn't reach her..i was worried.

t's teach us to be accountable for our actions...they need to do the same.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Out_of_denial

She did make a HUGE mistake. I do want to work through it, but I don't know if her ego will allow her to accept that it was nothing more then a simple mistake.

I am not the squeaky wheel and I give her a lot of slack. I don't think she realized just how much I hung on her every word. I don't think she realized just how devastating this would be to me.

I am confused; you say it was a HUGE mistake but only a simple mistake; you are not the squeaky wheel but hung on her every word and was devastated.

It sounds like you are confused and derailed in a way that will not be straightforward in setting right by discussion with this T. I would let go of this T and find one who had a better, more consistent therapy frame.

[skysblue]

It seems to me that your T, no matter how nice a person she might be, can not really be in a position of offering therapy to others. She obviously has some real problems and I can't imagine ever trusting my emotions to her when she is not trustworthy enough to 'catch' her own absence until days later.

I can't imagine how one could 'work through this' with her. Is there any good cause for her absence that would make sense except that she was in a coma for those days? This is too weirdly bizarre to just let it go. This is serious, in my opinion.

But, I would love to hear any reasons why my take is off point. I am just completely bewildered by this story.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by stumpy

t's teach us to be accountable for our actions...they need to do the same.

I couldn't agree more, Stumpy. Well put.

How can your T expect you to be more accountable at your place of employment, than she at hers? If you didn't show up to ring up those "crappy toys" -- and then didn't answer Toys R Us' calls for 10 days-- would you expect to still have a job when you got back?

As Skyblue asks, did she have something else substantial going on for those 1o days? Perhaps not a coma per se, but something close? If there is a more reasonable excuse (which she obviously did not share in her e-mail) and she chooses to take full responsibility for her actions in your next conversation, perhaps you will choose to work through it. But, from what was shared in this thread so far... she just doesn't seem very responsible or trustworthy. I'd be concerned that she would go missing for another 10 days and think it was "no big deal." Oops, just a little mistake! No need to call! After all, if there are no consequences for one's actions, what is to stop one from repeating them? Don't they teach that in therapy, too?

Whatever you decide, we're here to support you! (and we don't collectively disappear for 10 days at a time!)

[Out_of_denial]

I wrote her how i felt, in the most mature way I could manage. This is what she said

"You have no need to worry about getting me in "trouble." I can get in no trouble from NS. You need to take care of yourself and check yourself in to R*****. "

I had said that the answering service needed my name to page the on call person. I said i couldnt talk to them because I didn't want to get her into trouble. Then I said my pnly other option was the local mental ward.

In hind site, I'm not surprised at all. I've had concerns about her schedule and her level of participation in therapy for months. If she had to address it, it would be minimized to the smallest thing possible.

I just so much want her to be who she has said she is. I know this is not repairable without her doing the work on herself and without that, she'll never admit she was wrong. She's trying to minimize this too. Probably I am the only one that flipped out on her, but that's because I see beyond her calm demenor. And I was right. Does that make it my fault? Kind of a self fulfilling prophcy?

This doesnt seem possible to get over.

ya know...& i could be oh so wrong on this one but i do wonder if perhaps she partakes in a little chemical recreation & maybe she was on a bender or away for some rehab?

she sounds so "off"

i wouldn't waste my time with her..well ok that's not true..there is a big part of me that would go to my next appt & read her the riot act she would have read me for being so irresponsible...but it probably wouldn't be the right thing to do..altho i would feel oh so much better.

run, don't walk. pass go, get the $200..& leave this one in your dust before she hurts you more. YOU ARE WORTH MORE & BETTER THAN SHE IS. THE SIMPLE ACT OF YOU WORRYING ABOUT HER SHOWS THAT YOUR HEAD IS ON STRAIGHTER THAN HERS.

[DelusionsDaily]

Sorry my original post seemed to analytical and direct...but i think you know its time to run away from her.

[Out_of_denial]

Thanks everyone. Melissa, you were fine.

I'm pretty sure it's not drugs. It's a HUGE ego that's in her way and I can tell she's not going to go there with me. I am just so, so sad. How the hell did this happen? I knew it would, I've seen this coming for months.

I can't even write more

[ECHOES]

It's not real clear to me, but it sounds to me as if she is primarily trying to reassure your worry that you could get her in trouble. I would hope that the rest of it can be talked about when you meet next. She needs to hear from you how uneasy and frightened you felt by being left in the dark about what was going on. And it would be a good opportunity to decided between you how to handle this situation if it should come up again.

[Out_of_denial]

It's not real clear to me, but it sounds to me as if she is primarily trying to reassure your worry that you could get her in trouble.

What do you mean?

She hasn't offered me an appointment and I already missed last week, this week and probably next week. I think she doesn't want to see me because it makes her feel bad. She used that to get me to back off when she abandoned me for a month in August. I know. She says that was my doing, but I know it was not. I have a trail of emails that is more then clear what happened, but I never pushed it, because she felt bad. That time I had cancelled the appointment before she disappeared.

I can't believe how thoughtless she is being.

[WePow]

Can you get another T? You deserve far better than this drama she has created for your therapy.

[Out_of_denial]

I get it now, what you meant about reassuring me I could get her into trouble. You could be right with that. I don't know why she so readily and heartlessly sugested the the mental hospital. I mean it's thanksgiving week and I have kids. Why didnt she call?

I'm calling there tomorrow. It might do me some good to complain about her to someone. I fear though that she can't get in trouble because she totally left that clinic, which I think was her goal. I know she had clients there that couldnt follow and she didn't want to leave them.

Well, whatever. If she can't get introuble with them, she has nothing to worry about.

Thank you everybody. I mean that. I read here alot and get alot out of you all sharing your problems. I HATE drama and am the most drama free person I know. I do hate her for forcing me into this.

I would never trust another t again.

[Out_of_denial]

Am I over reacting? Can't I react how I feel? I never thought in a million years that something like this would hurt so much. It flused a whole year of work.

[rainbow8]

I"m sorry this is happening to you. I'm a little confused about some things you've posted. You've seen your T for a year and nothing like this has happened before, you said in an earlier thread. But then you say she abandoned you for a month in August. What was that all about?

She hasn't offered me an appointment and I already missed last week, this week and probably next week. I think she doesn't want to see me because it makes her feel bad. She used that to get me to back off when she abandoned me for a month in August. I know. She says that was my doing, but I know it was not. I have a trail of emails that is more then clear what happened, but I never pushed it, because she felt bad. That time I had cancelled the appointment before she disappeared.

She felt bad. Why? We're not supposed to be concerned about our T feeling bad. But why do you think you make her feel bad? She's your T and you're supposed to tell her anything.

I don't think I could ever trust a T who missed an appointment, didn't tell me for 10 days, and then offered a lame excuse. It's not your fault!

Your T is an exception. You CAN trust most Ts not to behave like yours. I don't know if you should make another appointment or not. You've been seeing her a year? That's a long time. I would want to hear a better explanation, in person, I think, but it sounds like you may not get one, and could be more hurt if you see her again.

[sunrise]

If my T did this, I would definitely see him again to hear what the h*ll happened. I would ask very direct questions, and if they made him squirm, too bad for him. We would either work through it or not be able to. But I would definitely meet with him to find out what happened and tell my side of the story (how I felt) and listen to his side too. If he seemed evasive or was not taking responsibility for his actions, I would push for better. If he couldn't work it through, it would probably be good-bye. I have been seeing my T, though, for several years, and we have a strong relationship, so it could bear the weight of my confronting him and him being made uncomfortable. If I hardly knew him and had only been in therapy a few months or had a shaky relationship, I'm not sure the relationship could bear it.

I'm not good at confronting people or resolving conflict, so even if I didn't want to continue therapy with the T, I might still try to go to a session and talk about it because I need practice in taking on and managing conflict. YMMV, though.

Best of luck. Sorry this had to happen to you.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Out_of_denial

What do you mean?

She hasn't offered me an appointment and I already missed last week, this week and probably next week. I think she doesn't want to see me because it makes her feel bad. She used that to get me to back off when she abandoned me for a month in August. I know. She says that was my doing, but I know it was not. I have a trail of emails that is more then clear what happened, but I never pushed it, because she felt bad. That time I had cancelled the appointment before she disappeared.

I can't believe how thoughtless she is being.

She didn't offer you an appointment?! Good grief! Here I was trying to not read defensiveness in what she said, but now I think there is a lot of it there. I understand it - when we screw up, it's natural. But as a T, she ought to have better control of herself. She should have apologized and acknowledged your worry that is about you and not responded with everything that is about her. So now that you've said more, it's clearer to me. I think her response was defensive and dismissive. She wasn't responding to you, she was responding to her own guilt and in a defensive way.