Do you discuss your appearance with T?

There may have been a thread on this but I forgot. I have another issue that gets triggered when I see photos of me. I hate, hate, hate the way I look in some pictures and I don't trust that I don't always look like that. I have a double chin and I'm overweight but usually I don't think I look ugly. But I'm never sure and I want to die when I see how I look.

Last session I mentioned eating when I'm upset, and my T asked me something about it. We've never talked about my appearance except for the makeup. I want to discuss it, but my T is SO thin. How can she understand my problem with the way I look?

I also hate that I judge people for the way THEY look, when I feel so ugly myself. I don't want people to judge me for being fat, but I judge others. Or if they're too skinny like my T. I hate myself for the way I feel!

When my T told me I looked wonderful without makeup I didn't believe her. I don't know if I dare ask her how she thinks I look, and show her the ugly pictures. I am okay looking from the right angle but what if people see me from the wrong angle? I usually don't care, but when I do, I say I'm never going to eat again. Of course I eat anyway, and can't lose weight. It wouldn't help the chin anyway.

I suppose I need to talk about this with my T even though I don't want to. I know appearance doesn't matter, like here on this forum. It doesn't matter what anyone looks like.

So, do you discuss how you look with your T if it's an issue for you?
Thanks.

I think women overall are brought up to be judgemental of other women regarding their looks....
we females got our training in ways like watching things like,
Miss America Pageants..... there is only ONE winner.....
sets us up for competition(IMO)...

.. I don't recall talking about my appearance with T.-- but I think I should, as I believe this is a bit of an issue for me....

It sounds like a good idea for you to talk
to your T. about this Rainbow.....

best to you

fins

I've discussed it with my T. She knows I hate that I've put a lot of weight on recently - as I told her, I feel like I've lost my identity: I don't feel like me, and I don't even LOOK like me anymore. She said that was sad. I've also told her how I never go out without makeup, so she knows how self conscious I am. She will sometimes comment on something I'm wearing, and she always notices if I change my hair - especially hair colour (I think I freaked her out a bit when I changed it 3 or 4 times in about as many weeks, heh.) This week she said something about me looking like I'd lost weight, that I looked like I had in my face - I said I doubted it with the amount of mince pies I put away over xmas

I hate photos of myself too. I told my T about how I was mortified when someone tagged me in a recent photo on facebook - how BIG I looked, but everything really - I just didn't look how I try and kid myself I do! She said it could just be a bad photo, and said that bad photos DO exist, because there have been some of her! I doubt she ever looks big OR bad in a photo, though. (Though I don't think her photo on her website actually looks much like her - not in a good or bad way, just... I'm not sure.) Other people don't often look bad in photos to me, so I convince myself that I must actually look like I do in the photos, so any good photos of me must be when I cheated the angle or something It takes me sooo long to get a decent profile pic for facebook - I must take about a 100 shots to get one I'm happy with that I can pass off as spontaneous... I'm not vain I swear, just really self critical and self conscious. I know I'm not beautiful, I just don't want people to see how ugly I am.

Woah, unlike the attachment stuff, I don't recall ever talking about my appearance w/T. I don't have an issue with my appearance though.

So I guess that even though therapy sometimes feels so weirdly random, I AM actually addressing the stuff I need to talk about.

I realize this isn't really following the theme of your thread rainbow, but it helped me realize something important, and I thank you for that.

UGH. No, we don't talk about it. I hate, hate, hate the way I look. He knows it based on the self injury I have done to my face and body, but we don't talk about it. I can't change my ugliness.

I am sorry you struggle with this.

Quite a bit. I have issues with how i look. Think i am ugly. T tells me how pretty i am. I dont believe her.

We have talked about my inability to connect with my femininity, my new job I have to dress up and it has been difficult as no one ever showed me stuff like, wax your eyebrows, how to apply make up, shop for something other then t-shirts and jeans etc. T picked out my outfit for my Christmas party. She got on the net printed out a dress told me what shoes and jewelry to wear and sent me on my way, jokingly called it homework. She knows I have low self esteem and feel ugly, I look like my mother and I HATE THAT! Sorry for the rant, I miss T.

I have discussed my appearance briefly with my T. I really really really hate the way I look and I particularly hate hate hate talking to my T about it. He is totally cute and really fit. I know I need to, but . . . Ugh!

I haven't discussed my appearance with any of my Ts because I'm too self-conscious, and my current T is a man which would really freak me out. I get what you mean about not thinking you look as bad as you do in some photos. It's not like I think I'm stunning by ANY stretch of the imagination, but I'm not usually focused on how hideous I look all the time. Then I see an awful photo of me and am surprised about how terrible it is! There are a few 'okay' pics of me, but they are from when I'm dressed up and am actually enjoying myself (so spontaneous and genuine happiness, rather than posed cheesy grin).

When I feel really depressed though I do focus on my appearance and dislike leaving the house for that reason. The voices go on about how fat and ugly I am and how hideous everyone around me thinks I am. It doesn't help whether I wear make-up or not. (I'm not very good with make-up anyway because my Mum never showed me how to use it so I don't particularly know what I'm doing.) I look worse without make-up, but then the voices laugh at me harder when I wear make-up, like who am I trying to kid?! I'm also pretty judgemental about appearance (in that I make assumptions about people based on their appearance & behaviours), so I know that there are people out there who *are* judging me on my appearance.

I probably should talk about it with T because I have so many hang-ups about it, but it would freak me out drawing attention to my appearance (by talking about it) with someone else, especially a male T I think you should talk about it if you can rainbow, even say that you don't think she can relate because of her size (although I'm not considered overweight, I do stress about my weight when I go up a dress size due to meds or comfort eating, so she could relate even though you consider her thin).

*Willow*

No. Never. I hate the way I look. I need to lose weight. I struggle with it. I just try to not ever look in any mirrors and not think about what others must see. I don't see that T can really help me with this so we don't discuss it. I really appreciate that T is nice to me and will give me the time of day even though I look this way. I know some people are unable to do that. I remember Yalom wrote in one of his books that he was repulsed by overweight women and had to work hard to overcome that when he had one as a client. Yuck. I hope my T is not that way, having to steel himself every time I walk through the door in order to be with me.

I hate the outside as much as the inside. I'm working on the inside now. I don't know if I'll ever have time for the outside. I haven't discussed my looks with my T, I figure there is no use.

Bluemountains

We have in the context of the weight gain that kicked in when I went on meds. I don't particularly have issues with my appearance, but the amount of weight gain and speed of it was pretty distressing. I've been able to lose a good portion of that weight this year thank goodness, and I do feel so much better physically and emotionally about the whole weight issue. So we've talked about appearance in that context some.

My T is also REALLY big on the importance of physical activity on depression, anxiety, etc. He has a bad habit of lecturing me about this because I am not in the least a physical individual and am very stubborn and resistant to exercise. We square off about this with a fair amount of regularity. I know he's right, but that hasn't motivated me to change my ways.

I usually don't think about what I look like because when I do it makes me self conscious. When I get a glimpse in the mirror or a photo my image seems inconsistent with what I think I look like. It is not a comfortable feeling. I was made fun of so often in school about my looks that I just wanted to disappear and felt ugly because of it.

My t is thin and I don't think she's ever had a weight problem. I lost 30 lbs 3 years ago and have kept most of it off. Having cancer gave me a wake up call on managing my health. T knows I lost that weight but didn't meet me until last year. She knows I exercise a lot. Maybe we should talk about it....thanks for starting this thread.

I just lost some respect for Yalom. I wonder if he'd have publicly admitted to that if he was repulsed by some other minority group and had to work to get over it. Sometimes I don't like it when people get over their shame too much.

i suppose I'm hardly the only one thinking about motivation and exercise and weight this time of year. But I've been thinking about people I know who actually have to work not to exercise too much. That's how much they like it. I think someone on PC recently posted how they exercise to kill their emotions. I was close to someone who probably did that, but the exercising was not too much. Anyway, I wish I could figure out how to get the motivation. Once in a while I've felt like that- I was just motivated to be more energetic in a lot of ways then. I can feel good when I'm done exercising taking a shower; sometimes during the exercise I feel good if I'm not too bored; but getting motivated to START is really hard. I think I'm going to join a new gym with fancier showers and stuff to help.

I'm not sure if this helps but,
There was one or two times, when my stomach was growling VERY loudly during session that my T made a comment. He said/asked me why I was starving myself. (I do not think I am that thin). I told him that my weight was not his concern (ok I asked him when he became the food patroll police). Since then, he has not brought it up, except to ask if I had eaten before coming to session (Im his last one of the night) because he did not want us to be distracted by my loud stomach growling. (I eat just before I get there so it does not make noises)

Hugs

((( rainbow )))

Your post really hit close to home for me. I am overweight and do not find myself to be attractive at all. I am ashamed of my body.

Because of my past CSA and the shame I feel about my body, I have never ever even been naked in front of my own (now ex) husband for the entire 14 years of our marriage. And, to learn that I was seen as merely an object to fulfill his needs, as opposed to an actual living being with feelings, was hard to accept - as that meant that I was never really beautiful to him either.

I am at the place where I am truly puzzled by anyone who can say they honestly like me, care about me, etc. - because I am repulsed by my own reflection.

My T and I have not talked about it.....and I would be horrified to actually talk about weight issues with him...although he knows that I feel ugly, disgusting and unlovable. I said in my session today that when I feel so low like this, I used to be able to pull out of my arsenal of rationalizations things like - well, I have a husband, so I must not be that unlovable....and he has sex with me every day, so I must not be that repulsive........And now that I have no husband, I am left with those thoughts and feelings about myself.

The fact that my T is attractive and has a gorgeous wife doesn't help either.

We've addressed physical health overall, due to my chronic pain issues...and T has said that I've neglected my body and that my body is yelling at me to take care of it.

So, now I am trying to make an effort to eat better and exercise so that I can take better care of my health.

((( HUGS )))

Do you know if your therapist has always been thin?

i'm not ready for that yet.

Do you really think your T would say something negative about your appearance? Of course not. You are paying her and if she said you were fat or ugly or stupid or ___, it would effect the relationship negatively. T's are very good at finding something positive to respond to "You hair is lovely in that picture" or "75% of the country is overweight" or "Most women your age are overweight".....

What you are really looking for is her approval of you. You are trying to "get that feeling you want" from your T.

Perhaps you should look inside yourself and assess why you are judgmental towards others, when they don't measure up to your standards or desires (ie judgment of your T being too thin, or wearing the wrong outfit, etc. or judgement of others) instead of trying to get your T to say what you want to hear.

yes she, as nicely as possible, tells me i need to lose weight and move my big butt to feel better and reduce anxiety

She does not say you are "fat" or "ugly" or that you have a "big butt."
See how she mentioned that it will help you feel better and reduce your anxiety. A behavioral change statement with support.

She doesnt just say "you are fat and ugly, so exercise your big ***"

Therapeutic difference...

emptyspace: Sorry but you're wrong this time. I already have my T's approval. I wish she would agree that I look bad; she's always honest with me. If I send her the photos I hate, I would be upset if she didn't agree with me, at least to say they are unflattering. Then I can discuss why it bothers me so much to look that way. This issue is not about wanting something from my T. It's about my feelings about the way I look and not wanting to look like that!

I do agree with you that I am curious about why I judge others so unfavorably. I think it's a "first impression" kind of thing. When I get to know someone, their appearance doesn't matter anymore. I still think my T is too thin, but it doesn't affect me like it used to. But the way I judge people does bother me so it's worth discussing though it's hard to admit. I think it's something I want to explore. If Yalom can admit his reaction, so can I!

I don't know if I can respond to everyone. The replies are kind of sad, to know that so many of us think we're ugly in appearance. I'm glad I have a woman T; I could never talk about it with a man but I can tell my T anything. This thread gives me an incentive to do so. I started the subject in an email already.

I am starting to dislike Yalom more than I already do. A T shoudn't admit something like that. Reminds me of when my former dermatologist looked at me with an expression of disgust. I know it was there. I changed drs., not just for that reason, but I never forgot that look.

This is a sad thread. I have actually been crying because of the struggles we go through. I wish this hurt and bad feeling about ourselves would go away. Just feeling really sad for us.

Why shouldn't a T admit that in a book?

T's have reactions. They are human. They don't tell you they think you are fat or ugly, but they may think it. Your chart probably says something about your weight and appearance.

It used to be thought that only young, intelligent people would be good clients for psychodynamic therapy because they would likely have the ability to self-assess and work through to gain the insight needed to heal. Young and intelligent is an assessment and the judgment of the T.

This is a business and the point is to keep the customer happy, which means a good therapeutic relationship. So a T would never tell you something like Yalom mentions in his book, to your face, but they sure as heck think it. They are human.

Negative countertransference exists as well. T's should evaluate it, but it exists for a reason.

You want your T to say you are ugly and fat?
You want her to be disgusted by you?

Think about this:
In some pictures you think you look fine. In some pictures, you hate and think you look bad. So, you have a range of opinions regarding you in pictures.
But if your T looks at all your pictures (good and bad) and says all positive things, are you wrong? or is she lying?

The reality is everyone looks bad in some pictures. But if your T never says the reality, what does that mean?

I've got to think about it, emptyspace. You raise valid points!

roseleigh, I'm sorry the thread is making you feel sad. I think the positive for all of us is to remember that we don't judge by our looks here, and that most of us like each other very much. We can learn something from that.

We care about each other not knowing (usually) what we look like! Isn't that a lesson to carry over when we think about how we judge ourselves and/or others? I'm speaking for myself at least. It's a lesson to ME but I wonder if people would have a different opinion if they saw my "ugly" photos? But, empyspace, I do have pretty photos too. So the question is: which is the real me? All of them I guess? Dumb question I know. How DO people see other people anyway?