Am I being resistant or is the therapist wrong?

My current therapist told me that I was binge eating because I was lazy and that, if I wanted it bad enough, I would stop.

She also said that if I wanted a man I had to lose weight and wear makeup because that's the way society was and if I wanted to be part of society I had to fit in.

Sooo... new therapist?

If she said that EXACTLY like that I would think see a new T but if she said it would most likely help you get a man to not be overweight and to be a bit more feminine then I would say...she has a point. Odds are most men DO like women who are near the normal weight and look nice...Nice can be with or without make up just the best that person can be. Can you ask her to expound on all of this...And I think trying to lose weight and all is a goal she may want you to set and plan ..but I dunno
Welcome to PC I see youre new
Hugs

Given therapy is what the client brings into it. I don't think the therapist was trying to hurt you.

Therapists take the cues from the client. Those cues are - what the client says and their body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions.

So if a client brings up their weight, binge eating, society views of what it takes to have a man, and feeling like they themselves are lazy during the same conversation - yes I can see a therapist saying this to the client because that is what they heard in the clients words, facial expressions, tone of voice and body language.

Therapists do this to challenge the client to think about what they had said and how to solve their own problems with their weight, binge eating, lack of having a man and feeling like they themselves are lazy.

This is what a therapist job is - to point out things that the client is saying, and feeling sometimes this happens by the therapist repeating the words, tone of voice, and expressions and feelings they got by paying attention to that the client. Sometimes the client does not like to hear these things and that makes them angry at the therapist. One therapist told me - "If I am not p**sing you off then I am not doing my job. doing my job means p**sing you off enough that you take care of your problems if for anything else but to get me off you ***** . That same therapist told me that when I had the urge to drop her was when she was actually getting through and hitting home with the problems that I brought to her. Some people run because they have been running from their problems all their life. It takes someone special to meet the challenges of their problems head on. She couldn't tell me if it was time to get a new therapist or not. All therapist's job is to force the client to look at their - I could run from my problems by keep getting new therapists every time they made me mad and hit home on my problems or I could meet those problems head on and take care of them. I chose then and now to meet my problems head on.

I can't say one way or another if you should get a new therapist only you can say that.

It's just my opinion but eating disorders often mean there is something going on that is totally unrelated to food. I also think that therapy can be done without being t-ed off as well.

It's also my opinion that there are indeed people out there that will like you for you at your current weight. It may be that you have a wall up and that is why you are having concerns. It might be more beneficial to work on being content by self first before worrying about "getting a man".

If this is what the t said, sounds like she has some issues that need to be dealt with as well. Perhaps asking her to clarify exactly what she means by her statements would be helpful.

Good luck to you on your journey.

Debbie07,

Sometimes a therapist will CHALLENGE you to see what your reaction is.

Therapy is not always a "there, there, dear, nevermind..."

It can be painful, and possibly your T is challenging you to see if you can work out where all your problems stem from.

It is up to you whether you want to stick with this T, but maybe you can be upfront with him/her and say how you felt about what they said to you.

This could be an insensitive therapist, but it could be a lot of other things, too. Like others have pointed out, she could be feeding your words/attitude/tone back to you. This could be a paradox--intentionally telling the client something wrong so that they can understand how little sense it makes for them...it's hard to tell. Could you bring this up in your next session by telling her your reaction to it and see how she reacts?

I would say new therapist! that is pretty stereotypical of her to say that you have to loose wieght and put on some make up to get a guy. All you have to do is be yourself and have some fun. If he wants some one skinny then your not right for him!There is guys out there that genuinely like women with meat on thier bones. I have no problem finding guys and I weigh 250Lbs and i am only 5'8". If you act like a fun person and not a snot then they will come to you.If you get too skinny you might attract loosers(someone that doesn't like you for who or what you really are)
Go out Have fun and let them come to you

Weight can be an issue for some men.. And if so, then that man isn't the one for you. Had a friend whose hubby said if she gained weight he'd leave her. He later started abusing her and they divorced. She is remarried, beautiful, and a lil tubby and her current hubby loves her just the way she is.,....What is inside is what really counts ...........

See this is what i mean. Don't live life by sterio types. be happy as you are and some one good will love you for you not what they think you should be

Dear Debbi, ((((((( HUGS )))))))

IMHO - I personally would give this T the boot.... any good T would know that weight is an WALL of PROTECTION for many people, from the wounds that haunt them from within - the T has to help you HEAL the past and them you can deal with the weight and why you are keeping it around.... What is the FAT protecting you from? - my FAT is protecting me from men and from looking like an attractive female with sexuality.... brought on by childhood sexual abuse of many of males.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I disagree with you slightly, Rhap. I think there are some good therapists who want to start changing behavior as quickly as possible and then use that as a way to start talking about what was causing the behavior. (I'm not saying that this therapist is like that, just that some are.) Do you really think weight is always a wall of protection? (I suspect that my weight is really just a side effect of my eating, which is the real problem.)

To bring it back to Debbie, though. Does this seem like something your therapist usually says or is this out of character for her?

Dear Ben,

YES I guess I do believe that FAT is usually a wall of protection.... for ask yourself WHY do I eat all that I do or what I do? - it is usually done to medicate an inner pain that we are feeling.... hence why the FAT is a symptom of a wound (a deeper issue) and not the actual problem its self.

But in Debbie's case - her T was insensitive in the way the T approached the healing or helping avenue for her.... for any one - you do not wound more to get a reaction to or to start the process. NEVER!!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

BTW - I appreciate your reply (and the right to your opinion) and I am not upset with it.... Nope, not at all.
>>>>>>> PeAcE

I agree that binge eating most times is to fill an emotional void.

I agree that you need to clarify your T's statement. It sounds like a challenge to me or a way of "getting your goat" in order to get you to open up about it.

I disagree that FAT is ALWAYS a wall of protection. Sometimes it really could be "a glandular problem" or simply a lack of self-esteem... as in not wearing make-up. I used to be meticulous about my hair and make-up and now it's just not worth the effort unless I'm going out with my friends or being with a large group of my family. I at least make sure I'm clean and smell good for my grandkids.

Oh! And I put on a pair of fake eyelashes since I'm so lacking in that department that not even mascara helps! LOL

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SeptemberMorn said:
I disagree that FAT is ALWAYS a wall of protection. Sometimes it really could be "a glandular problem" or simply a lack of self-esteem...

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CLARIFICATION:

TRUE............... unless it has already been deemed a MEDICAL REASON by a doctor..... other wise the FAT is probably an emotional issue, hence the self esteem thing - that's emotional.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Hi Debbie,

How many times have you been to see this therapist? Have you just had one visit? Two? Three? Sometimes it can take a few visits to tell whether you and a therapist are a good personality match or not, I think. If you've had a few visits, and you think the two of you are not going to be able to get along together, I'd say it's time to try another therapist. From what you're describing, it sounds like this therapist may have a more confrontive style than you feel comfortable with. If this was just your first visit, I agree with others....I would go back and try talking with the therapist, and say that I wasn't comfortable with how the past visit went, and why. If you talk with the therapist, hopefully they will listen and adapt their behavior, or explain why they are behaving the ways they do if they won't change. Then you will get a better sense of whether it's time to move on or not. Sometimes it's just not a good personality match between the two people (it happens) and you may just do better with another therapist. Some counselors have a very confrontive and straightforward style, as you describe, and others are very gentle and patient most of the time (mine is). Some people just do better with one or the other, I think. And I imagine there are some counselors whose behavior is somewhere in the middle. I'm sorry this has been so hard - I send caring thoughts your way. For what it's worth, I used to be extremely overweight most of my life, and lost 100 pounds a few years ago. But that was a big decision, and it took me a lot to get ready to lose weight. I'm glad I've done it now, but it is a complicated issue for many people. I know it was for me.

Take care,
ErinBear

I am going to repeat I hope you see your T again and ask for clarification I do NOT believe FAT always has to do with emotional issues..nor do I think MOST men find fat girls attractive on sight....MOST men ...I think weight should not matter once they get to know you but sadly even getting a job is harder if one is overweight ...I cannot judge your T because I do not know HER side and reasons..but let us say you made comments about wishing you had a guy.....she could have said it nicer but weight IS a barrier If I had an overweight friend I would say the same but as nice as I could.....Being lazy ..the word seems harsh but again I do not know HER side and how many sessions and how much was said about this..Still I KNOW you are hurt and I am sorry for your pain..Go back and set it straight..even print this thread out

Just wanted to let you all know that I am reading... thanks for the replies!

IDK, not feeling up to getting fully into this conversation right now, but.. Ben has a point... imo in the day of short-term therapies caused by insurance companies, maybe this T is being direct for that reason?