Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Dear T -

I called your voicemail and then chickened out and hung up. But it was nice to hear your voice anyway.

Dear T,

I miss you... a lot.

Dear T,

I'm continually amazed at the razor sharp observations you make. When I think I have exhausted a subject I find, through your eyes, that I am just at the edge of beginning to understand. Whew.

What is even more surprising is that you are still there for me & haven't run screaming. "thank you" doesn't cover it.... do you have any idea?

SAWE

Dear T,

By the time I get to your office at 4pm Thursday, I hope I have enough energy to talk. I have to get up at 4 am Wednesday and drive 4 hours away for a 3 hour meeting and 4 hours back. Then on Thursday, I have a meeting off-site, but in town, from 10am-12pm, back to the office for another meeting as soon as I get back until 2pm, and a "webinar" at 3pm. Then rushing to your office by 4pm. Whew!

Love,
Chopin

Dear T,

With your vacation we missed today's appt, but we'll meet tomorrow, which is good. While I held it together Sunday, Monday, and this morning (I'm proud of myself for this), I felt apart this afternoon... I miss you and I need you. I have an email all set to go but I want to make sure to send it late enough tonight so that you won't get it until the morning - I promised to you and myself that I'd not contact you on your vacation days.

Tomorrow at 3:15 seems eons away... I wish that I could text you now. This is what I'd say: "I hope that you're having a good vacation and have a safe flight back. I missed you today and I really need one of your hugs. I love you." Then you'd respond: "Vacation was nice. Sending you 'trust' and 'I'm right here' hugs... See you tomorrow!" But why does typing this out not help me?

Ugh, wish I could go to sleep now and wake up at 2pm and then I could see you right away... And I'm not going to feel badly about this.

Love you.

Dear T,

I'm working so hard not to push send on that email... But I feel like I just need to send it now... If I do, I'm really sorry not to have kept my promise to you and me. I just NEED you. I need to hear your voice and feel our connection. Dammit, when will I get better and be less dependent? But I can't get mad at myself... I just miss you - why did you have to go away? says the selfish child part...

I love you and I'm sorry if I send the email before your vacation is over.

I'm pissed off at you right now, and you know what? It feels amazing!

And, to be really honest, I don't think you're doing your job very well. I don't need to pay for someone giving me advice I could've gotten from a talk with friends or family.

Just screw you, and your cruise, and your boyfriend, and your irresponsibility and incompetence.

I hope this negativity will last over the three weeks. As of now, I don't miss you at all! Amazing!

Dear T,

I think I'm making progress. I received a Valentine card from a coworker thanking me for my "listening ear".

This "aloof, non-responsive" girl hasn't been accused of that in years!

Love,
Chopin

I don't want to see you tomorrow. You'll know what I haven't done and may somehow know what I'm thinking of doing.

Dear T,

Thank you for answering me. I hope we do Skype tomorrow!!!!

I sent you another email tonight, after having not contacted you for 12 days. I wonder whether you'll respond to me before our session tomorrow.

I'm scared to see you. I had these glimpses of feeling less needy during the time while you were away. But now that I sent that email, I'm back into the place of checking every five minutes to see whether you've emailed me back.

only 2 more week days where I could possibly call you, but I won't. and you know what it's been easy. I haven't even wanted to call you.

tonight I could have had a melt down and left but I stayed the full 4hrs then asked him about it after class and when that didn't help I called mum. so I don't need you.

I don't even know if I want to tell you about why I'm so triggered in group atm. independent people would just deal. so maybe that's what I'll do.

attachment issues? dependent? neither.
I don't need you. i don't need anyone.

I'm getting really tired of waiting; I'll e-mail you soon. But just so you know, I'm already disappointed.

In these past few days, all the little things that used to make me think you weren't that great and that I've tried to deny and ignore have really changed the way I see you.

This always happens to me, every time, and I hate it. Every time I think someone's really great, someone understands me and I confide in them and I begin to really become obsessed with them, they disappoint me, let me down and leave me. I'm starting to see you in this way. What gives you the right to ignore me? You know how much I care for you. You couldn't just send a few lines? "Thanks for the mail, it's okay, see you in March"?
It's probably unfair how I feel. I don't care. I need to let these negative emotions out.

I just hope the next time I see you I won't be all infatuated and forgiving. I deserve to be able to criticize you.

I don't want to see you today. You'll know what I haven't done and may somehow know what I'm thinking of doing.

Dear T,

I know you read my emails and by default do not reply (and I wouldn't expect you to reply everyday!) but it is still really hard not getting a response sometimes... especially when the email is particularly emotional, depressing, desperate-sounding, or when I hint that I am asking you a question and would love a response... they are kind of actual questions, not just rhetorical... even though I know you probably won't answer them.

I wish I could see you more than once a week. The time in between sessions is so so long. I feel like a loser for being this needy and dependent, and I should just be grateful you allow me to email you at all, and that you read them and remember them enough to discuss them in sessions. But STILL, it is hard. Sometimes the no-response to my overly revealing emails feels like you're laughing at me for being so stupid and pathetic.

Dear T,

Despite how cool in session I seemed, I'm terrified of losing you. I know its inevitable with budget cutbacks and the fact ive started to get better. BUT I"M NOT TOTALLY BETTER YET. I'm afraid that the moment I lose you Im going to fall flat on my face because you wont be there to catch me as a fall. and despite what you say another T wont replace you. Do you have any idea how many t's I've gone through?!?! Your the only one that has helped. I can't cycle through the system of finding a t again. I just can't. I'm not emotionally stable enough for that journey. I'm afraid that I might attempt SU when I lose you. The thought of losing you makes me feel so hopeless. I hope you saw all of this under my cool exterior but I'm afraid you didn't. Please see it before it is too late.

Kat

Dear T,

I would do anything to be comforted by your calm reassuring voice right now.

Dear T,

Ever since you told me one of your clients is a pathological liar, I can't help but be paranoid you think I lie about everything as well.

Rest assured, I really AM this f*cked up. No lies here, although I wish they were. :/

to new T,

Thank you for helping me, as I stare homelessness in the face you helped me alot in last session, I am sorry I flipped out on you, I threatened my own personal safety to control a situation which I shouldnt have done, I dont know why I done that...thats why I hid inside of my jacket after, whoever that person was that threatened to hurt myself...that wasnt me, that was the scared child inside of me. im sorry.

F- you and your smug superiority. See you on Monday? I don't f-ing think so. It may have been an observation you felt like sharing but it was lacking in any therapeutic value. And I pay for this garbage???

I SO get this. Is it possible for you to see your T more than once a week?

Dear T,

I'm not sure what to make of our conversation about email yesterday. I was panicked that you were just going to tell me to stop emailing you already. You didn't, but the boundaries shifted a little. I worry so much about taking up too much of your time. And at the same time, I really want to feel as if I'm important in your life. I worry that you forget about me. Maybe it's more that I worry that I'm easily forgettable.

I heard from a friend today who was telling me about a gathering with several other friends. I felt hurt for having not been invited too. This same friend stood me up once, because she did forget about me. She's human, and so are you, but it still hurts.

I'm not even sure what I'm saying anymore.

Dear T,

Please email me soon. I'm worried, and I need to connect with you.

i feel nothing.

I want to hate you, I really do and then The tears fall and then dry on my cheeks only to be wet again when I think about the fact that it's over and then I want to hate you again.why couldn't you have said you cared, just once, even if it was un true.