Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Squiggle, are you by any chance worried about your T dying? Sorry if I'm projecting my fears about my T onto you. I just wondered if the reason your T canceled is part of your depression, or just that she wasn't here? Is this the first time she canceled a session?

Dear T,
We have a winter storm coming tomorrow, but the real reason I am working from home is that I just can't deal with being at work another day this week. That last session really sent me spiraling down. I've never missed work for a mental health day...ever. This time I just have a convenient excuse.
Me.

PS - I stopped using my therapy light this week because I would rather sleep the extra 30 minutes in the morning. Are you going to be angry?

Dear T,
I really do need weekly sessions, but I can't afford the time off from work. Couldn't you just work one evening a week?
Bluemountains

No, I am not worried about her dying. I was actually relieved a little when she emailed me on Sunday to say she had to cancel our Wednesday session. But on Monday, I started going downhill. I didn't see that it had anything to do with her, but my husband did. He thinks her not being here has really upset me because I need that support. I am not really getting it right now. I won't email her because that would be disrespectful given that she just lost her father-in-law.

She had to cancel another time or two due to issues with her children being sick or the babysitter cancelled. I was okay during those times because I could continue to email and could call if I needed to (although I never do). Just knowing she is avaible is part of this. She is not available right now.

My depression may not have one thing to do with her canceling our session. It may have to do with the overwhelming things that I am going through in my life right now. When I get too many things happening at once, I don't handle it well. Others won't see it. They will think I am fine. But I know that truth. That is why I didn't go to work two days this week. I knew I could not hide it, so I chose to stay away from people.

I am scared that if we continue this new direction, that I will start needing you.

Dear T,

I am having a hard time processing today's session. It was very intense.

Dear T,

We had a good session and I'm trying so hard to hold onto that, I need something good in my life right now but all I can think about is the bad thing that happened at the end, why didn't you prepare me properly for it

I'm in so much pain and I want to tell you what's happening but I don't know how, it's something I haven't said out loud yet because I don't want it to be real. Insensitive people are making everything so much worse. I want to trust you with all of this but I don't know if I can. And what if I run out of time before I tell you. There's so much I haven't told you I don't know where to start anymore, it's all piling up and consuming me. I'm so alone

T
Im experiencing extreme paranoia and panic!..completely out of the blue...its 1 in the morning...
and here I am..
completely lost and alone.

I want to email you and tell you....but what if this isnt a problem tomorrow...and it will be for nothing?
I dont understand T I was so happy today...why do I have to be so upset now...and scared

Your not alone shoez. I'm here.

shoez you should e-mail T if it helps

Dear T,

Thank you for being so flexible with me. With my new position at work, I'm probably going to set up appointments with you and have to change them. You were so nice about it and gave me the date and time I requested. You also asked about my well-being which you've never done via email. I appreciated that!

Love,
Chopin

Dear T,

I'm writing here instead of emailing you again about this transference stuff. I'm thinking ahead, though. If you say we can do EMDR about it, I will be angry! I need to talk to you! I don't want my feelings to be lobotomized. I don't want them to disappear; I need to discuss them! I hope you realize that! I need your response.

You will probably say it's just a part of me, not all of me, who has these erotic transference feelings. I think I want to do IFS with that part again. But me, the adult, wants to understand. I want to talk about "hoarding" the feelings. I do feel SO good with you because you listen to me, accept me, and everything that a good T does. That doesn't bother me. I don't know what's wrong, actually. I'm confused!!!!

I keep repeating that I don't want to like you/love you, just because of transference. That bothers me very, very much!!!!! If it's true, it bothers me. I don't know what the truth is. Am I seeing this in black or white? Is that my problem? I feel like I DO know you well enough to like you, PLUS the transference going on, of course. I know it's unrealistic and it's because it's your job that I feel so good when I'm with you.

PLEASE help me sort this out because I can't deal with it!!!!

The worst thing is knowing that I felt this way about my former T and I didn't even like her so much. I criticized her. I never criticize you! You're like my first T except that I was too embarrassed to talk to her about my feelings for her. Is this all because of those unmet needs? If it is, I can't tolerate that. Maybe I just have to tell you again and again how the parts feel. Is it the baby/child part again? I think it's the older child/teenager who still wants you to hold her. Or maybe the adult me?????? The article said I'm not in love with you, but obsessed with the idea of getting what I didn't get. Is that REALLY true in my case???????

rainbow

Dear t,

I know we're not seeing each other but I really really want to text you and talk to you. I'm falling appart, on a bus that I still have to stay on for another 4 hours. I don know how much longer I can not cry and I only have a limited supply of tea and it's going fast. And when I get there I have a further 3 days of putting on a face. I'm so scared someone's going to notice and say something. I wish I was with you in your office just talking. Hell I'd even be okay with crying like this infront of you.

Yes indeed!

Dear T,

I'm having some really bad thoughts...

Dear T,
I think I finally understand what you were getting at last session and why it was so incredibly difficult for me to hear and think about. I am sorry it takes me so long to identify my real emotion and process it in a healthy way. Can we work on that? I'm writing a note about it to read you on Thursday - so I don't lose my courage and lose my desire to work on this.
Me.

Dear T,
I hate that there's no middle ground with you. You're either the kindest guy in the world or the coldest. You're either amazing about your schedule or totally rude. You're either really attentive to what I need or completely absorbed in your own glory. This makes your personality a lot like my mom's. I'm really starting to dread working with you. I want stability, even if it's mediocre. A nice even keel would be far more comforting than a roller coaster. I'm seriously ready to begin thinking of switching T's.

Dear T,

Are you back in commission yet? Is it okay to send you an email? Not that I want to. I was just wondering....

Squiggle

Hit play on my recorded message... It's happening again

I met with soon-to-be group t for an assessment. It turns out that I don't like him very much. His office was dark, cold, and very messy. That made me very angry. I didn't feel very comfortable with him. I keep thinking back to our first session and I remember how comfortable I felt with you right from the start. I didn't feel any type of connection with him like I do with you. I am worried that my anger and uncomfortable feelings towards group t will have a negative impact on how group therapy will go. Please reassure me that everything will be ok and that I just need to give it some time and that I will become more comfortable with group t.

i feel like i am drowning today. i know in a million years it won't happen, but i keep checking my cell hoping you will sense this and give me a call.

Dear T,
After this morning I think we need to talk about the dysthymia Dx or at least about what was going on. I was all over the place, my thoughts would not stop racing and I felt like I could go out and run a marathon. Maybe it's a bit of mania that you just haven't seen yet? I need help sorting out what's going on right now. I am scared. Thursday seems so far away and I've written you pages and pages about what is going on. I need your help, t.
Me.

Dear T,
I know I emailed saying I was never going back and never to contact me, please see through my pain and know I did'nt mean it and I want to go back, but am afraid to ask.

Dear T,

I am not doing very well at all. I don't know what happened. My husband is mad at me. He said he is tired of the ups and downs with my moods. Doesn't he get that I am tired of it, too!! I want to be 'normal' more than anything, but I'm not. I have to accept that. Are we spinning our wheels in therapy? Is there really any hope for me?

Squiggle