Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Dear T,

I can tell I'm making progress.

1. When you started complaining about your neck hurting from sitting on the couch and got up and went back to your chair, my first blush reaction was, "She really doesn't want to sit next to you. You weird her out." Then, my wise mind kicked in and said, "Why would she lie? She doesn't have a history of lying. Her neck hurts from sitting next to you and craning to look at you. Plus, she hugged you twice before you left."

2. When you didn't answer the email I sent this evening, I thought, "She really doesn't want to help H. You're more trouble than your worth." Then my wise mind remembered that you said at the beginning of session that you have company staying at your house. Also, I remembered you're not working Wednesdays this month, so I won't expect a reply until Thursday or Friday.

My ways of thinking are starting to change. That is lasting progress! Thanks!

Love,
Chopin

Dear T,

Yup did it again, sent him another card.....Sorry......I so need your help!!!!!

Dear T,
I get it now. I've lumped you into the category of people who hurt me after I let them get emotionally close. They've all left me. That's happened so many times before and my mind just assumes it will happen again. That's why I've been pushing you away and shutting down. You are too close. I am pushing you away to protect myself from more hurt.

I am scared to let you get closer, but I know progress will only come with me opening up more. I am afraid that once I open up to you, you will leave me. I didn't realize how hard this would be. I didn't know how big of an issue this was for me. You have been nothing but patient with me. You know I have to "discover" these things for myself in order for them to "stick." Please don't think I am ignoring you in sessions. I am usually listening even if I appear angry and frustrated. I just won't tell you I am listening.

Next session I want to take you out of the "you might hurt me if I let you get closer" group. I want to share. I am feeling very brave about that right now. But a week is a long time to wait...I hope I am still that brave next time I see you.

she hasn't answered.

Dear t,
I asked you for help and you tell me to talk to someone I've never met or to a service that never fails to make things worse. Thanks a bunch! It was hard enough to ask you, never again! Next time don't offer to help if you won't follow it through.

I don't feel real. I don't want to be real.

Dear T,

What. the. eff?

Me

T, I feel like I could explode. Ugh. Emotions everywhere...you wanted me to uncensor myself, well, now you are getting it. I've never felt so uneasy, rattled, angry, and frustrated in a session--and actually started showing it before. And I was thisclose to starting to cry and you knew it, but of course that had to happen right when I had to leave

I can't believe I have to sit with this a week. You're there for me, but you're also way out of reach. I feel so alone with this, SO overwhelmed. Therapy feels cruel sometimes.

Therapy does feel cruel sometimes.

Dear T,

I miss you very much. I'm thinking that you may be at your second destination now. I'm trying not to worry. My grandson has a fever. I'll transfer some of my worry over to him, where it belongs. Worrying doesn't do any good anyway. I KNOW that!

Yoga was so relaxing today! My teacher is sort of a replacement for you, and I'll see her next week too. I wonder if you're thinking about me at all. Probably not. I keep picturing last week when I was holding your hand and asked you if you were wearing a watch or a bracelet. I don't know why that image sticks in my mind! Then, when I was still there 15 minutes after the session, you didn't get angry and we walked out together. You hugged me spontaneously. You know how much I care about you, don't you? And it's okay with you, isn't it?

Please come back safely.

Love,
rainbow

Dear T,

I did okay with us not having our normal session today. Maybe I am growing up in therapy? I can be a big girl and not need to see you every week? I don't know. Let's wait and see how I am tomorrow!

Squiggle

Dear T,

Thanks for replying to most of my emails this week - usually it's only one, this week three or four.

The one you didn't reply to, you may be saving for when you see me next - but I only have an hour with you, and that's something I don't want to spend precious minutes talking about... What I said in the email is about all I want to say about it.

SAWE

Dear T

I'm still angry that I have no claim on you outside session.

Wow. Was that hard to admit? Is it hard to believe you likely do hold a piece of her heart outside session?

you wanted me to write. i didn't see the importance in that until yesterday.

i am afraid. i haven't written much in the last couple of months .... 'cause i know ... the emotions.... they are in the writing.

i am afraid.

Dear T-

I'm afraid, it hurts too much. I feel stupid for needing you this much, how did it come to this? Now I have to say goodbye, and I don't want to. I wish I had never started to see you.

Dear T,

Please tell me, when will this get any easier???? I don't think my heart can take anymore of this.....

I haven't told T yet, but I will.

A little piece of her heart? I measure love in minutes!
I get 100 minutes of love per week from her. I get more than that from my boss.

Dear T.

I know I sit I therapy and tell you that I am tough cookie, and I can do this and overcome my demons, but I really feel weak but don't know how to say it,

Dear T,

I haven't flat out told you, but I'm freaking out inside. I'm so hurt over everything and so depressed. I put up a wall with you now, which I haven't done for awhile, but that's how fragile and hurt I feel right now with stuff. I wish you could just see that and make it better. I'm so tired of this. I wish I could just open up and talk to you

Dear T

I'm angry and I'm not listening.

I'm resisting the idea that my mother loved me, so there's no point in trying to persuade me. You just make me angry.

First you have to work out why I'm resisting and deal with that.

it's about to get deep.... get out those hip boots!

Dear T, you say your not mad at me but your actions say different.
I think your getting close to me and you don't like it.
Could this be?
I don't want you to go on vacation.

Dear T,
I think about suicide every day, and while I know it's not a good solution for my problems, telling myself that I can just end it all if I wanted to is the only thing that calms my anxiety anymore. I'm sorry.

Dear T,
The deeper I dig the less in control I feel of my thoughts and emotions. The si and sui thoughts seem to randomly pop into my head the last two months. That is why I put up the "I can't" wall. That is why I've been placing you in the same category as everyone else who's hurt me and left me. I am scared. I am scared of losing control. I am scared of letting you get closer. I am scared of digging any deeper. Since our last session I've been all over the emotional scale again. It's really difficult for me to answer the question "What do you want to talk about today" because life and my emotions have been so mixed up since I last saw you. I could take the entire session just telling you how mixed up I've been.