Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Dear T,

I don't feel anything at all for you or about therapy. We only missed one week and now I feel like I never met you. Part of me wants therapy to end like this. No good- byes, just never coming back without any notice.

Squiggle

Dear T,

I miss you and I don't miss you. I don't want you to be so important to me but you are. I know you accept where I am but sometimes I think you expected me to be much farther along than I am by now. I don't want to disappoint you but I still need you very much. I wish I were having my session this week. I don't want to wait another week. It's too long.

Love or maybe not love,
rainbow

Dear T,

You would be so proud of me, I have really been listening and caring for my "inner child"....

Me

My anger has turned from RED to BLACK

Dear T,
Can we forget last week and go back to the waiting game? Ummm.... I didn't mean all those things I said really!!! I didn't expect you to pick up when I call but instead of answering my question asking me what happened. I thought I made it perfectly clear no hospitals. So suggesting one NOT cool, but strangely comforting. I know I probably scare you and don't know how you are going to react that I lied. I think I gave off the impression I'd be an easy case, sorry. I'm not comfortable trusting you, I don't know how you got through, but I promise if you keep it up you will not like where this is going.

Can we go back to before last week, and then we can both pretend I'm not quite so nuts and grumpy and childish? Hmm. Maybe we need to rewind further.. I love what we have, I just wish I didn't have to reveal so much and for you to see all the stuff about me I try to hide so well from the world! I guess it's how therapy works though. Thanks for not treating me like the giant loser I fear myself to be. And thanks for handling all my rubbish with class.

Dear T,

You said dr so and so is trying to find a T for me that will be a good fit abd hasnt yet. You made it sound like it could take some time. Am i that special needs? Geeze louise.

After e-mailing you all day, swinging from one extreme to the other, I've quit. Now I've been sick and am having a panic attack. I hope I've done the right thing

Thank you for talking with me this morning. I really don't feel better though. I don't think that is possible.

Dear T,
This project for work is sending me into panic. My lips are numb, my heart is pounding and I feel sick. I thought we were over this part...guess not.
Me

Dear T,

How in **** do you put up with me?!

SAWE

Dear T,

I feel SO conflicted about continuing in therapy right now. I could really use the support, but without experiencing any resolution related to our relationship, I don't know how to go forward. My instinct is to shut down completely. I think I need to force myself to be honest with myself about what you can and can't offer me. And to decide whether what you can offer is enough. Right now it doesn't feel like it. But history is a *****, and I can't seem to let go of ours.

LL

Dear T,

I hate your guts.

Dear T,

I'm starting to feel attached to you. I didn't think that was going to happen. I don't like it.

Dear T,

I feel like I can't really trust you anymore right now. I'm sorry I'm putting up walls all around.

Dear T,

I like that I can depend on you, but actually needing to depend on you scares the bejeezus out of me. And I'm feeling really vulnerable after sharing one of my core insecurities with you today. So, please, please don't take advantage of that.

CL

T,

I am going to "win." I am going to go an entire week without any contact. There will be no emails -- nada. Perhaps if I act fine I will be fine.

Dear T,

Right now I am feeling like I really don't need therapy....I mean, I am not a basketcase.....I am fully functional ( i.e. I work full time, take care of my children, run a household, the only issue that I am having is transference with ex t ( which really isn't all that uncommon) ....I mean come on.... Give ME a break ).....

For some reason I think when I get there tomorrow your receptionist is going to tell me you're not at work for the day. Maybe that would be better because it would explain why you didn't return my call.

I don't want to see you. I just want to stay in my warm bed where I am cuddling my kitten.

Dear T,

Thanks for getting back to me when I told you I was in crisis, even though it was 9pm and you said you had just got home from the office. Thanks for telling me to relax and go to sleep and that we will talk tomorrow. Thanks for being there. I hope your not upset or mad at me.

Dear T,

I know you had valid reasons to have to cancel 3 times in the past couple of months, but it has really started to have a negative effect on me. Having that 2 week period between sessions doesn't work for me very well. I don't even realize how much I am affected by it until about a day or two before we meet the next time.

Why is it that I can be doing so great and then walk right off a cliff?

Squiggle

Dear T

How am I supposed to make any progress when I keep forgiving you?

So, how do i tell you thursday that you misdiagnosed me as schizophrenic? Pdoc dxed me DID which i kind of suspected all along and was trying to explain to you. Ugh. This sucks. Why do i care anyway? You are only my T for like a week more then there is a huge break and then i get some other student that wont understand me. Yay. This is hugely depressing for me. :/

Dear T,
In 6 hours I will be sitting in your office. I haven't prepared like I wanted to. Last night was a bad night. My soul feels heavy today. I am not sure I can share all that with you. I am worried you will just start back in on my distorted feelings about that relationship. For me those feelings are real. The loss hurts. I don't want to share that with you because I don't want to loose that hurt. It is all I have left from a time of life where I actually had hope. I think we'll just talk about work and skirt the entire issue. I am not ready to trust you with that. I don't know if I will ever trust you with that pain.
Me

That thing you said.. about someone not asking for what they want in case the answer is no? The fear of rejection, wishing they never brought it up.. I find it curious you said that. Like you read something I wrote recently. If you did then you already know what that something I wanted was..

I'm not going to ask you for a hug. Especially now I feel like you backed off. Maybe it would feel weird anyway. A few sessions ago I'd started to feel it might be nice is all. I thought I felt a closeness. A maternal vibe. Maybe I was too honest in saying that I like you, see you as a role model, fairy godmother.. Relax, I didn't say I want you to adopt me. I know you're my therapist, not my mum.. Did my 'attachment' scare you? I can back off too, no problem, but I guess I just thought I was supposed to let that stuff happen. That the therapeutic relationship was important and healing... I'm so confused. Is it because I'm maybe 'borderline' or whatever? What happened this last two or three weeks? Did your supervisor say something to you? Was it something I said, or did?

You know I have 'mummy' issues. You're the one that kept picking at that thread. I feel like you wanted me to see you as a maternal figure. And now I feel like you really, really don't.