Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Dear T,
Thank you for being so kind to and gently guiding me to share what needed to be shared for so long. I feel very cared for right now. I feel ready.
Me.

Dear T,

I find our connection during our session good. I think we relate to each other well and dare I say.. I am starting to maybe trust you. However, you are VERY hard to get a hold of in between sessions. I am so frustrated by that... I needed you this week and for some reason my calls have not been returned. I know that this is something that I should bring up to you, but I don't want to rock the boat either. This really is my only complaint I have, but it is getting very furstrating. Hoping we can work through this. Thanks for everything you do, T..

healed

Dear T,

I'm so ****ing confused. If you're trying to make me feel crazy, you're doing a really good job of it. You feel so inconsistent these days. I don't know how to trust you anymore. But unfortunately, that doesn't stop me from bawling like a baby in front of you. I never used to cry in front of other people. Never. It feels like you opened some kind of Pandora's box of emotion in me and I can't ****ing close it.

LL

Dear T,

As you are well aware, our session today was terrible. The location had so much interference that I couldn't do it. Too much distraction and noise. Even though I am so disappointed that we didn't have a great session, I am thankful that you didn't charge me for this visit. It makes me know that you understood how hard it was for me to concentrate with all the racket going on in the other part of the office! I hope next week is better.

Squiggle

Why did I just lie to you about the reason I re-read that book you suggested? Why couldn't I just tell you that I was thinking about it and purposefully went out of my way to get it and read it. Why do I tell these half-truths so often?

Well, that was a horrible response to my email. You're supposed to read between the lines and realize that I am messed up and hurting right now. I am an ocean away from home. Alone and confused. I have deleted all of our email correspondences and your address from my contact list. I knew this was a bad idea. I should have shut therapy and home out of my life completely for this trip.

I haven't been taking my medications for a few days. I think it doesn't matter. i'm doomed anyway. i don't want to live. I never, ever have.

I think you are being stupid by telling me to call as many times as I need to call my new T to get her to call me back and make our appt. do you want me to be a stalker? I've left 3 messages over 1.5 weeks. I cannot call anymore. She obviously is too busy and doesn't care. I just have to deal with the fact that you leaving means I can't finish DBT. I'll just manage on seeing my private psych every two weeks as long as I can. She's great. She even thinks its stupid and unprofessional I haven't heard from the new T. I think our appt Monday will be my last DBT appt. I think I'll even bring the card I was going to give you on your last day. Because I won't be coming back then.

You said that I'd get on with the new T - how am I meant to if she doesn't even talk to me?

Dear T,

Why are you so good to me? Why do you believe in me so much (more than I do at times)? Why don't I honor our work by following your advice more than I do? Why do you stick with me when I can be such a pain in the ***? How do you not become angry at me and yell at me at certain moments? What have I done to deserve your love, patience, understanding, caring, and support?

Love you hugs,
Eastcoaster

I can't trust you not to hurt me. The only person I can trust in life is me. I am the only one I can rely on. All I want from you now is to use your skills to help me get over my issues and live a satisfactory life where I don't need anyone. I can't care about you, and you can't care about me. All we are now is two people in a business contract.

Wow! You sound just like StopDog!

Hmm...maybe. From what I have read though, stopdog, would never have gotten as close as I did to wanting and having a caring relationship with my therapist.

I bought my T an inexpensive but very meaningful gift, was going to show her the scrapbook from my trip and even admit to missing her. How pathetic of me. I think stopdog might have the right idea.

Dear T...

You said you would talk to the boss T to see what you can work out with me if I loose my insurance cause of the job issue. You never spoke to boss T. And your text messages back to me have been so short and uncaring sounding. You are really proving right now that you don't care unless your getting back $110.00 an hour. Well, guess what T? I have 5 bucks in my bank account...so I guess this is goodbye.

Thank you for hanging in there with me today. It's so incredibly difficult for me to deal with the transference stuff. I keep thinking you're rejecting me, or indifferent to me, etc etc etc. Then I find out at the next session you didn't feel that way at all. So where do those emotions come from? They come from the past. They're not real. I'm transferring them onto you, and I would be doing the same thing if I had a relationship in real life. Gaahhhh!!! I need to catch myself sooner when I start feeling this way and bring it up. On the few times I've been able to do this, we can talk about it and I can see that I'm misinterpreting your words or actions. I'm trying not to get discouraged, but I wonder if I can ever get over this and react to the reality, the present. Thanks for being there for me.

Dear T,

Sometimes I wish you would pay more attention to my body language than my words. I need to know that you're really paying attention, and I need to know that you can tell when I'm afraid or distressed or anxious because sometimes I can't say it in words. I wish you would just say something about it, it really bothers me when you don't. My body says a lot more than my words ever will.

Dear T,

Thank you for making me feel so cared for today. I'd been concerned that contacting you outside of my sessions was just me being needy and then you told me you were touched that I contacted you at such a critical moment in my life. I'm not used to being dependent on anyone and you're making it safe and okay. And thank you for reaffirming that you're not going anywhere and that you'll be there for me. Most of the people I've trusted have dropped out of my life and it gives me such a feeling of security to know that you have no intention of doing that before I'm ready to be on my own.

I've never had anyone as much on my side as you are. Please bear with me while I get used to that and learn to trust it.

Safe hugs, roseleigh. I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

What have I done, T? I feel so stupid, embarrassed, vulnerable and ashamed. Too honest. Too much. I hate therapy, I hate myself.

dear counselor
tonight we connected with you,just the teeniest tiniest bit and that scares us-very,very badly. we cant risk getting destroyed again. we are so sorry

dear t, thanks for tonight. it was the first time in a l o n g time that i didn't feel afraid of you...
and i didn't feel judged. i felt like you were trying to help with real things and not just with words. words are wonderful, concrete things help me to hang on to the session and get something back in return. you said i was great about something, thank you, i just wish i could remember what?

ps one thing is scaring me.. i am afraid to tell you because it won't happen for seventeen more months but i am planning now. it is sad but it is for the best!

I hate you and I'm glad you're leaving.

I hate you because you're leaving.

I'm so sad and scared because you're leaving.

F**k. Why is this so hard?

I don't want to talk to new T she sounds horrible on the phone. I just want to see my psych more often. And no one else.

Things are falling apart. I'm starting to plan. But I can't tell anyone because I refuse to be locked up again.

So triggered today. I just need relief. I don't know what to do. And I have no one I can talk to.

Honestly I'm holding on by a thread - my mums birthday is tomorrow I can't ruin that for her. And my kitten she's so special I don't think anyone realises how much I rely on her..

Dear T,
I am having a really tough day. Remember the up/down we discussed? I am on that roller coaster again. I am feeling the urge to si. I know it's because I am not dealing with the true feelings - but I don't know how to do that right now. Our next session seems so far away. I never thought I would be saying I miss you, but I do. And the fact that your office is only 5 minutes away makes it more difficult...

last session we turned a corner, after yesterday seems we're picking where we left off.

Dear T, Iam missing you a lot. You will be back real soon can't wait. Will you let me know when you are back?

Dear T. Thanks for wearing tennis shoes. i thought it was great, i didn't even know you owned a pair!

and if you are trying to get me to look at you more, it is working.