Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

See you Thursday, but I don't intend to do any work.
I'm just going to enjoy being with you again.

you said I needed to learn from the chain analysis' I did last week. well I kind of did. but I still ended up SHing.

36hours till our appt.

I really don't know what to do. I'm falling apart. I really need you to help.

I'm 20 tuesday. that is scaring the hell out of me.

I don't know how I'm going to keep going. I really hope something changes.

Dear T,
I know I said I wanted to deal with the "past crap" but now I am having doubts. It's not that I don't want to deal with it. I do. I want to be rid of its weight. But I am afraid of giving up control of those memories. As long as they are known only to me, I know I can do what I want with them - which usually means stuffing them into the back corners of my mind and trying to forget them. But if I share them with you I feel like I am relinquishing that control. I am afraid of what will happen. I finally feel in control of me again. I am afraid of losing control.
Me.

Don't have anything "uneasy" to tell T as I am pretty open with her. But there is something I am having a hard time admitting to pdoc, so I will put that here.

"I'm sorry I am afraid to admit my picking problem to you. That's why I wrote you the letter and dropped it by your office this morning. I changed my mind though...please don't read my letter."

Dear T,

Thank you so much
for asking me to tell you "what are you feeling right now?" and "what are you thinking right now?"

I very seldom say what I'm thinking "in the moment", you usually hear about it a week later (if ever).

If you continue to do this, maybe, eventually, I will learn to just come out with it. What a concept!

SAWE

Dear T
okay, two sessions in from the break. i really did not need the monkey wrench thrown at me. at least you missed. now just trying to pick it up and decide what to do with it. i think i will be able to handle it if you can continue to be gentle and calm.

just no yelling or being mean. if you do, i just gotta go away again.
ps i never know if you do it on purpose, because maybe you are needing the break

Dear T

Thank you for your patience. Normal* service will resume shortly, I hope.

*By 'normal', I mean normal for me. Which is, well, yeah- you know...

Dear T

I know ive said im losing my mind before, no. this time I REALLY am. Ive went from horribly horribly almost suicidal depressed and hurting to bad on friday, sending you heartfelt emails that you ignored to manic as a mf yesterday up till 2am cleaning and happy as can be.

Despite that, i cant forget what you did. I know you read my emails and you 'like' my facebook status yesterday of me gardening???! WTF did you not read that IM QUITTING. i know i SHOULD go and talk to you, but im leaning towards NO.

You not responding to my emails, my desperate emails, no call when you have otherwise....i dont think i can ever trust you again. You failed me, and im done trying.

Dear T,

Thank you for letting me cry today and not talking about me crying.

And please spring for better tissues. Really. For what you get paid for an hour, you can afford the good ones. Triple ply. Soft. No lotion.

Thanks,
CL

T,

You were an asshole and likely continue in that vein.

Only not on my dime!

So T. I feel yucky and fed up and tired and I could do with a T hug. You won't give me one and I will leave feeling completely p*ssed off with you. And so it goes on.

I'm so sorry this is so difficult, Nelliecat. I've been following some of your story, and my heart goes out to you.

Just wanted to add too that I use the phrase "so it goes" all the time. I took it from Slaughterhouse Five, not sure about you.

I'm in that cycle again, T. The one where I feel triggered during a session, feel like I will never work my way through all of this ick. Feel like you don't really care as you sit there, at a distance, staring at my coolly. Of course you're not, really, but that's what it feels like. You feel so far away. You give me so much, but it never feels like enough. I feel like such an ingrate.

And then my mind leapfrogs to suicide and now, SI, for the first time in a long, long time. I thought very hard about breaking my wrist this weekend, T. Got the hammer out, but couldn't actually do anything with it. And then I got angry with myself because I felt like too much of an effing coward to do anything.

And then I want to run, fast, and far away from you and this whole process that feels sometimes like it's making me crazier than I was in the beginning. If I didn't care about you caring about me, I feel like I'd be in a much better place.

I'm supposed to see you on Wednesday. I am SO torn about keeping that appointment. You're going away the following week, so I won't see you for two weeks anyway. Maybe it's just easier to cut ties and get myself out of this ridiculous, obsessive head space.

But deep down, I know I can't leave. This is such a mind****.

Dear t,

I hate me. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to give up. I need a new pdoc, but I don't think it's even worth trying to find one. Nobody is going to work with me. I already emailed one office and they said they can't really help me... I quit.

Dear T,

I know that you want me to repsect my ex t's boundries, but, I sent him another card...... And I still don't see why you find it not in my best intrest to contact him.....We both want to speak with each other......Just let it happen......

Made up my mind. I'm not showing up tommorow. Or ever.
And no, I'm not gonna call. I emailed u I'm not going anymore sat and there's your notice.

Goodbye T!!!!!

I don't want to be honest with you anymore cuz you're leaving me soon.

I'm so mad right now!

I feel awful

Dear t,
Last night I slid down hard. I would be ashamed if you read my journal. I am afraid to share all this with you. I am afraid to let you see how up and down I am lately. I don't want you to see how easily I am triggered. I want to be that strong person again. I want to take my secret life back and just show you the ideal me again. I hate being triggered by all this crap at work. I feel like it is stealing my chance to work on the past - which is what we agreed to start doing. I am just so frustrated and sad right now.
Me.

"But deep down, I know I can't leave. This is such a mind****."

I feel the exact same way. Exactly. I'm so sorry. Many, many hugs for you.

Dear T, you are a kind soul. I love you. That said, i tjink you dont get me at all. I can FEEL it when someone gets me. You dont. I dont knoow why. From day one you didnt. It's soo weird. I c
Connect with you on a soul level. You have deep caring in your eyes, yet you just keep having this HUGE disconnect and
insurmountable abyss between us. It's almost like we speak different languages. I'm getting frustrated. I need help. I feel alone in
this. Why don't you understand?

dear t,
it seemed like you were giving it your all last night. i was just too afraid to take it all in
im afraid of what you told me. it just means im getting worse, not better.

thanks for saying you think i can get better and that you want to see me on a more regular basis. that means its okay to come back

sometimes i take breaks because you hurt my feelings, but then i think you do that on purpose because you are needing a break from me. i don't blame you. i need a break from me too.

I know it's the right time to terminate but...

I don't want to!! Too stressful, too hard...

Dear T,

I'm lying when I say I don't like hugs. I would like a hug from you and I know you'd probably be thrilled to give me one if I would just ask. But for some reason I can't bring myself to ask.

You told me you don't think I dissociate but you're wrong.

I have pieces of memories of something that happened to little me--maybe "memories" isn't the right word because I don't know if they are real or not. I want to tell you because they make me so uncomfortable but I don't want you to think I'm making things up for attention.

T...

....
....
....

(I don't want to say anything to you. I just want you to be with me.)

Dear T,

Shove it.

Signed,
Sick of all of this