Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Dear T,

I really neeed to talk to you.......I don't think I can wait until Wednesday.....

Dear T,

I'm really angry with you. You have no idea. I imagine you wouldn't particularly care if you did.

I don't get angry with you ever. I don't know if the fact that I am is very wrong or very right.

LL

It's very right. Your T will be thrilled to hear this.

Dear T.

I'm sorry that we didn't get to talk about goals or even a proper "welcome back" session because I was so angry at my H. I know you were trying to be helpful... I'm not sure what you were trying to say and I'm sorry I didn't listen and I said "yeah right yada yada yada"... it was pretty childish but it was me "unfiltered" and in the moment...so maybe on some level you appreciated it? I'm embarrassed by it now..

RTS

Dear T,
I wrote you the usual appointment booking email tonight. But what I wanted to say was."help! I feel like I'm falling apart. The bad fear court won't go away. And it's getting worse. I just can't stop feeling it, all around me." I feel like I'm surrounded. Please see this in me next week because I don't know how to tell you.

Silent

Dear T,

I do know that that my attempt to quit thearpy was half hearted.. In theory I don't want to quit, I just soooooo annoyed with the process. I feel like I waste your time when I am in your office or on the phone with you. I am literally doing everything you suggest and I have seen little improvement. I know you say I need to give it more time, but at this point I have little hope that things are really going to improve for me. I guess I will see you later this week.

Healed.

Dear T,
I wonder if you think I shut down/resist others like I shut down in therapy lately? If I do that in RL, it's very, very rare. I think I need to tell you that because you keep coming back to how therapy is a microcosm of RL. But when it comes to expressing frustration, it's not. I let you see the actual frustration. I am starting to let what I am really feeling come out in sessions. I would never do that at work or with my friends. I rarely do it with close family. You've been let in on part of me that very few people see. This may sound really dumb, but it is me trusting you - because I don't like people seeing me frustrated or angry. Seeing me that way means I trust you.
Sconnie
PS - I need to remember you don't actually read the posts I write here...maybe I need to print them out for you.

I'm mad at what you said. And I'm hurt you didn't listen to my view. I'm glad it's 1.5weeks until I have to look at you or talk to you again. There will be no phone coaching this week. Right now I'm not even sure I can go back at all.

On another note. I think I really need to talk to someone. I just can't face you. Something's not right. This has never been this intense. I'm going from one extreme ( being actively suicidal ) to another extreme ( so happy/on top of the world. Can't stop laughing and smiling) and then back. Within minutes. Today has beena roller coaster. Within 3hrs in class it would have changed 20 times. This is not normal. I don't know what to do. I feel out of control - but it's different to usual. I don't know how to cope. I'm really scared. But you are the only person I trust enough to explain this too. But you really hurt me today. I don't know what to do.
I'm really scared.

Dear T

Prove your case or drop it.

I think a lot of my unhappiness and frustration, even anger, still results from my focus on you. In the past months there were times when you almost didn't matter to me. I WILL work on getting back to that place.

You. Don't. Matter. besides that hour a week we spend together.

Wait, did you really say what I think you said today? ...crap...

Dear T,

I'm scared about tomorrow. I don't want to start processing the deaths yet; especially when I have to wait 16 days to see you again. I really am glad you are having your reconstruction surgery so your cancer ordeal will come to an end, but having to go through this without you for 2.5 weeks is an overwhelming thought.

I don't want to email you while you're out because I want you to focus on your recovery. I have a feeling it will be a harder recovery than you anticipate. Every medical procedure you've had since July has had some type of complication, so maybe I'm worried that it will be longer than 16 days.

Love,
Chopin

You don't understand how much I deserve punishment.

I'm going to write you here instead of sending a real email since you won't read an email for 2 weeks, and if by some chance you do have access to your email, I'd feel guilty for bothering you on your vacation. You give so much to me; I think you deserve a break.

I wish I could tell you I've been coping better but it seems like this time I'm letting it all out by crying and not wanting to accomplish much at home though I did go out today, and I will tomorrow too. Wednesday is my much missed yoga class. You told me crying is good so it seems like I'm listening to you. When you were on your trip last year I was depressed and kept it inside, except when I lashed out at people. So maybe this is better?

Please be safe and don't go to the edge of cliffs/mountains. I'm trying not to worry about you. I'm trying not to picture details because when I do I start crying. I feel like you're with me though. I'm not with you but I feel like you're here. We're connected and nothing will ever change that. I don't care what therapy is "supposed" to be. I know what mine is, and I'm so, so grateful that you are my therapist. I can't put it into words, how I feel exactly. I don't feel like I'm obsessed or addicted to you but like we are together. I won't pretend to think you feel what I do, but I know it's not one-sided. Without a doubt, I know that because of your actions and your words.

I will try to live in the present and be mindful of the beauty I see around me. There is also beauty in my mind when I think of you, and I want to express that in words too. It's love but not the kind that makes me feel ashamed. It's good.

Dear T,

Thanks for smiles, for making me laugh, for your wacky sense of humor, compassion, for always looking me straight in the eye.
Thanks for walking beside me, and never deserting me, over the past six years. It's been a long and painful journey.
Thank you for never making me feel dirty or ashamed as I've shared my past.
Thank you for being my support, my rock, for always being there.
I'm so glad you're my therapist

I'm shaking and feel sick.

I just left you a message to call me. I hope you can understand how hard that was for me. The next step is answering if you call me back.

I need you to be kind today. Not firm like you are sometimes. I'm really freaking out. I'm so scared.

^^^this is beautiful... almost poetic ... "there is beauty in my mind when i think of you." ... wow.

Letting it all out by crying is coping better.

umm t, i am so nervous right now thinking about tomorrow. i didn't call to cancel so i guess that means i gotta go. i don't know what to think right now.

I sent you that scathing (in my mind) email I wrote, saying that I wanted to quit, that I'm angry with you, that I feel so hurt. At the time it felt good. I spent the better part of a day composing it. But now I'm scared about how you will respond. Will you become angry with me in return? Will you tell me I should go ahead and leave if that's how I feel? Crap. What did I do?

T, I hope you are feeling better. I'm not supposed to know that you were sick but I'm glad I did. I would go crazier if I couldn't "check in" with you in this way every day.

Dear T-Just when I started to feel like I was healing did we really have to open a new can of worms today? Couldn't we have just let me be for a bit before starting on new stuff. errgghhhh

Wow T - you are amazing. Thank you so much for today. I may not be able to express it out loud but... I'm pretty sure it was written all over my face today!

Dear T

It scares me when our sessions our cancelled b/c you are sick. I always think the worst, I'm sure it is nothing, but I am praying for you and hoping you are feeling better soon. I guess I will see you on Friday.

Dear T2,

Tonight I got my (false) courage together, and emailed you a question.
I said, "ok it's the _______ talking, but......."

it was the most I could do.

Now I am afraid to see whether you will ever answer me.
I sure hope you will.

SAWE