Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Dear T
I am on the way to the day clinic outpatient program again. I am late again. And wish i were more honest overall...
I hate the program. Hate it hate it HATE IT!!
I hate that i am there and HATE ME so much for having screwed up so much that i have to go to this program. I am a mess and a ****ing horrible waste! And hate that i am just polluting the peace with my presence! AAARRGGG!!! These words and emoticons/smileys are not enough...i hate me and am just really mad at me right now...
~notablackbarbie's name...

I am still the same disgusting piece of useless garbage that I was when I started seeing you. I will probably always be this way and just want to exit the earth because I am so so useless. I don't have a job. I don't help people like you do. I do nothing but mooch off everyone else. I am worthless.

Dear T,

Its been 5 hrs since I called and left a message for you to please call me back today.. Please don't let me down.

I had so many questions for you today. I didn't ask any of them.

Holy hell, T, I feel like I'm totally flooded with thoughts/feelings, and I can't sort any of them out. What is going on?

Dear T,

You're better to me than I deserve.

Love,
Sally

Dear T,
i don't want to admit it,
but after 3 years of not seeing you,
i realize that i need you again.

Dear T,
Right now, I feel let down. You didn't call me back. You have said many times if I need to call you, I can. When I did, you didn't get back to me. Why not? I feel like I am just getting to the point, that I can let more of my guard down.. tell you more. I have a feeling this will set me back. I know, I know.. there are probably some kind of logical explanation, but right now.. I am let down.

You're not the most skilled T, but you're my T and I love you.

Hi T!

I'm a bit low right now.

I feel that somebody (my mother? you? me?) gave up on me and threw me on the scrapheap. I still haven't forgiven that and I don't believe I ever will.

Dear T

Thank you for being firm and caring with me today...especially considering how much and how hard i broke down throughout. ...im not quitting yet. I am here i guess im ok right now for now, i will continue to try...

..............g'nite

((((everyone else here)))

T,

After our last appointment, even reaching out a tiny bit, by sending you the text you told me to send, asking for a particular appointment time next week, was hard. Well, it became hard after not hearing anything back 24 hours later. What we talked about was so exposing, so shameful...so hard and now I feel like I'm left hanging. All I needed to hear was that you could see me next week. Maybe I should go away quietly. Maybe it's the right time. Maybe I shared too much. I've lost my favourite day and now I'm hanging, waiting, wondering.

Dear t,

I said I thought I could do it, but now I am not so sure. I am scared.

Dear T,

I am feeling a little less let down this morning. A little more hopeful that there was something that happened between me leaving a message for you, and the actual delivery of the message. Now, there are two very hard things that I have to bring up to you on Monday and I am hoping that I have the boldness and the courage to bring them up. I hope that you are receptive, and understanding.

Healed.

dear roseleigh: if you're here on PC, you ARE helping people! just by being here. at least that's MY definition, and I am clinging to it by a thread, believe me! please don't disillusion me!

Dear T,

Wow, it's been 3 days and I don't hate you yet. What's happening??!

Signed,
Yeah, but I don't adore you or anything so don't get too excited.

Dear T,

I don't like it that you told me you thought I was happy and I don't know it. I feel like you're saying that I'm ungrateful, and I don't think that's fair. I work very, very hard to be okay and stable. I don't think you understand or appreciate how difficult it is to control my emotions or how tiresome and frustrating it is. I would like a little bit of understanding from you. I would like some compassion.

Also, you've been talking about how pretty soon I won't need therapy anymore. Please stop doing that. It hurts my heart. I'm not ready. You're the only person I talk to and I still need you. I'm scared that I can't do this without you. Please don't make me go.

Dear T3,

I have started to question/vilify you less than 24hrs after seeing you. Good thing I made another appointment already or I might no see you again.

Oh and your homework sucks

Dear T,

Thanks for taking me for a walk today. It was really helpful. It was nice to see you outside of the office, and on level ground with me. I didn't talk much, it was just nice being there on a walk with you. When we stopped at the vet to pick up your cat food and I was standing next to you with my head resting on my hands on the counter looking up at you, I felt like a little kid standing next to a parent. I will never have the gutts to tell you that. It felt safe, and comforting. Thank you for being you. Thanks for setting me up with two permanent weekly time slots this week.

Dear T,
I am still so very confused on why it all happened the way it did. I am beginning to think you sucked....I want to hate you, but I can't. I sure as hell don't like you right now and I pull up your picture and give you the finger as a form of " self therapy" lately. I think you just messed me up more! You opened the can of worms and now I got to find someone to out me back together... And your referrals sucked too.... Really the busiest people in town... What a great suggestion! Turns out your not the only one in town willing to deal with a lesbian either! You lying B****! Ok well I'm fixin to look up your picture again and give it the finger one more time, I may spice it up by cussing you out while I'm at it... Like my new coping skill? I made it up, it makes me feel better!

dear t..
had scary flashback..
i wish i wasnt such a nutcase
I wish I wasnt crazy.
I feel like i belong nowhere T

Haha I just realized I sent my daily dear [T name] email as dear T by accident. Fail.

Dear T,
I need to talk about some of the things that happened to me. And I don't know how to do that. And I know I'll end up feeling like I'm twisting in the wind but I can't keep it buried inside anymore. This sucks.

no worries buddy, This is bound to happen to me soon..since i write "T" so much on PC it might make her giggle a bit :P no harm done

I don't love you and I never did
I don't want you and I never will

(Muse - "Hyper Music")