Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

I wrote this in my journal last night:

Dear T,

I feel a bit crazy tonight and I don't like it. It's 3 in the morning, I'm awake, I feel like I could be getting sick, and my neck is killing me.

Tonight, I hate myself. I feel unworthy of any good thing, even sleep. Why do I feel this way? You told me Thursday I was worth more than the personal and professional risks you had to take to get me to open up. Why do I not believe you tonight?*

I hate the therapy process. I hate opening myself up so much to someone, even though apparently that vulnerability is the key to healing. My heart hurts from it. For me to open up, I have to love and trust that person. I love you and trust you on some level (that you have my best interests at heart), but I'm afraid that in the end, you will hurt me too. After all, you're human.

I try to be demonstrative and you don't always respond well to it sometimes. That makes me think there's something inherently wrong with who I am as a person because I'm demonstrative to those I love and trust.

Right now, I can hear you asking me, "What is the truth?" It's the first time I've heard your voice in my head. The truth is God thinks I'm worthy, you think I'm worthy. It doesn't help. I don't think I'm worthy. I've never thought I was worthy.

Now I need to try to go back to sleep.

Love,
Chopin

LOL! I have done this too almost!
and super hugs to u. im sure ur T wont hate u

I don't miss you!

I hope this will last. I hope the obsession will continue to be over when you're back. I will fight for it.

FYI, when someone asks you confirm that you aren't going to disappear in a puff of smoke, please say that you won't?!

Dear T,

Why can't I see us as equals? That really bothers me. I am older than you, 4 inches taller, and I also have a professional career. So what's up with that? Then again, what difference does it make how tall you are? How old you are? It doesn't. The point is that it depends on how you look at things. I can be the dominate one because I am older and taller! And don't forget, I outweigh you about 75 pounds or more!

You have a lot of power packed in that tiny petite body of yours! I wonder if we met outside of your office if I would feel so powerless and inferior? Let's give it a try and see!

Squiggle

I address all my daily emails "dear [first name T]" got my idea from here.

Thank for caring so much for my whole family. Sitting there watching you work with our son today was really reassuring. Maybe things will be okay. When you asked me for an update on the wreck, you said you guys just can't get a break. You know the non-stop crises we've been inundated with for years now. Thanks for being such a rock for us.

Dear T,

Sometimes I really have nothing new to say to you in my nightly emails, but I force myself to come up with something just for the sake of the ritual. I wonder if this is obvious to you? You seem almost as dependent on the emails as I am, which I like... for now, because it proves to me that you care. I do worry about what it will mean in the future though.

I am SO SCARED to see you tomorrow. To hear what you have to say about my email last night... it will either go way better than I'm expecting and I'll be proud of myself for speaking my mind, or it'll go even worse than I'm expecting and I'll leave feeling sorry I ever said anything. Regardless of the outcome, it will surely be uncomfortable and awkward all around. Can't wait.

Dear T,

I really don't want to live. I should call you and tell you, but it's too late. I will call tomorrow and let you know how bad things are

i didn't call you all last week between appts, this time it's 1.5 between appts but i am going to try not to call you. i need to prove to myself? to you? that i am not dependant.

but things are going okay, but i have that feeling i get before things completely fall apart, soon things are going to get ugly, i just don't know how to tell you which is why i didn't say anything monday.

Dear T,

Well I made another BOO BOO.....I sent ex t another thinking of you card !!!!! UGH....

We should never be ashamed of our feelings. THey are not right or wrong; they simply are....We are ALL dependent on someone.

Dear T,

Thanks for the email.

Signed,
Please let this last for longer than 5 minutes.

Dear T,

All of a sudden, I don't want to see you tomorrow.

Oh, but I also do.

Hello, ambivalence!

WTH?

SO there right now.

Dear T,

Thanks for changing my life. We make a great team.

Dear T,

Another Tuesday night and I am doing what I always do! I start thinking about seeing you tomorrow and that makes me cry. Why? because I don't want to need therapy. I wish I didn't. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. I don't like having to face you week after week.

Squiggle

dear t,

i just emailed you a really stupid question, and now i want to email you again to say to forget it... it was a stupid question. but then i'll feel even stupider for sending TWO emails about a stupid question. and now i feel stupid that i even care this much about it, but i do. sigh.

Okay, now that I've discussed anger and shame and now how I feel about you, I'm done with therapy right? I think we may be back to shame after that conversation today.

Dear T,
Why can't therapy be easy? I know you have answered this many times, but i want a different, easier one......

Dear T,
I feel so guilty for being so frustrated at the beginning. I was angry with myself for not being able to open up to you. I didn't know how, so I got angry and blamed you instead. I'd be so ashamed if you saw my journal from those early months. It was so hateful. I am just glad I never fully verbalized those hateful feelings in a session - they were just a mask for my own fears and insecurities.

After our last session, I realized just how patient and caring you are. You let me take the session at my pace. You listened to some very difficult things. I haven't felt that cared for in such a long time.

For the first time in quite awhile, I am looking forward to our session. I finally feel like I can let my walls down and be vulnerable. It is so freeing. Right now I feel so ready to move forward...I just hope this feeling lasts until Monday afternoon.

Dear T,

I feel so embarrassed about being embarrassed!! I know you understand and said you're going to help me, but I feel so yucky. Besides that, I felt those "too good" feelings at the end of the session when I looked at you. I don't think I've looked at you for weeks!! I am in love with your eyes and your smile. At least today I was. I don't want to be back to those feelings. I thought they were gone, but they aren't.

So, there is the yucky stuff I'm trying to work through and am stuck with, and then there's the feelings about you. I can't do it! I just can't...... I don't want to love you but I do.

Love,
Rainbow

Dear T,

I keep going back and forth between loving you and really disliking and being annoyed with you. I've decided I should always just accept when things feel good and not go back and rehash all that was said during sessions. Accept the good, try to fix/understand the bad. Should be quite simple.

Dear t,

After reading our treatment plan update, I can clearly see what a lost cause I am. How have you not gotten rid of me already. I'm stuck. I don't want to be anymore, and yet there you are week after week, trying to convince me that things are getting better... I disagree

same thoughts today. How about it, T? I don't even want to post on PC any more because I worry about this.