Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

I mentioned this almost happened to me a few days ago! I'm sure it will be alright.

Dear T,

Sometimes when you ask me questions about things I feel like it's because you don't believe my stories. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Maybe I should try to stop reading into everything you say and do... but it only seems fair, and it's just what I do.... Also, did we have a weird mom transference/counter-transference thing going on the other day? You seemed strangely affected and even hurt when I said something about my mom, as if I was saying it to you... strange, seeing as you usually don't like my mom. ahhhh, HERE I GO AGAIN!

also... really want to ask you how many clients you have right now. You keep making reference to being so booked up, I have to wonder... Also, when do I leave the "new client" status? Five months? Six months? A year? I am sick of being new.

Dear T,

So who did I bring in to session today? The strong me, the competent me, the me who is "dealing well" with this new bombshell life has dropped in my lap - the diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis. I sounded really great, didn't I? Full of plans for exercise, diet, supplements, lots of information on the disease, lots of insight on how lucky I really am.

Did you get even the smallest idea how scared I am? How frightened I am about the medication my doc has put me on - it's a cancer med with rally scary side effects. Do you know that I'm feeling like I just can't deal with this latest blow to my psyche, and that all the things that have happened over all these years have finally added up to, almost, one too many? Did you know that when I told my son he blew me off, and that when I told my daughter in law she told me that her grandmother had it too and she ended up shaking in a wheelchair? WTF, thanks a lot for that piece of news!!

Please help me pull it together somehow. I feel really lost and needy right now. I don't know if I have the inner resources to pull it together and move on one more time.

Dear t,

I was thinking about it a lot today. I planned it. I have been thinking about what to tell people. I'm still here, trying to stick it out, but I'm not sure how much longer thats going to work

6 months into therapy...& I'm more confused than ever.
I really think I'm worse now than 6 months ago & the sad thing is I'm still confused about therapy as I was day one despite weekly questions. Idk I just wanna give up but for some reason I just keep showing up.....

Dear T
I want to start over again!
Oh... and 'I don't know' translates to 'I don't want to talk about it' but it is probably important - you have struck a nerve and I should probably talk about it!

I don't want to see you anymore. for weeks now I haven't really been turning up. I'm there physically but all my answers are automatic. I don't remember any of the sessions.

there is so much going on for me that I can't even start to bring up. so what's the point? I'm only in the program for my mum, so she can have some hope for a while that I'll get better.

there's so much to tell you. but I can't.

I don't miss you! In fact, you mean so much less to me now than you used to. You're not this amazing savior I thought you were. You can't save me or help me. You're a nice lady, but that's it.

12 days without you and here I am so strong. Never thought this'd happen

Dear T,

Having a mutual friend is strange. She has a totally different relationship with you. It makes me uncomfortable. Why is that? I wish I could figure it out so that it didn't bother me when I go out with her.

Squiggle

Dear T,

I want to curl up on the couch into a ball and hide the entire session on Monday. I don't want to talk. I can NOT believe I told you that I was triggered by knowing my appt had been changed for child care issues. I just want to disapear. I don't even want to come, but I will because you brought up how important it was for me to keep my promise to work with you. I hate my life.

Hi T,

I have some things I want to tell you but I am scared. I told you an itty-bitty piece a few weeks ago. I need to tell you another piece. Is that okay? Please don't patronize me again and try to normalize because that was NOT normal.

I am crazy, in case you didn't know.

Dear T,

I know I'm just a number to you (number three hundred and something to be exact) but thank you for at least pretending you care, I need that

T.
i feel this hate. that ull never believe me.
i feel hopless .i feel her saying.. she wont believe u , ur bad girl u deserve it"
i feel like im so disgusting and evil.

*crawls away into a corner*

T, I think it's best I leave. I'm rebuilding my big brick wall. And that thread of trust between you and I, well I think it broke.

I want to be angry at you and I don't know why. I've spent way too much time trying to think of a question that I can trick you into answering wrong so that I will have a reason to be upset at you. It seems like everyone in my life has said/done something at some point to make me angry, and I am just waiting for you to also. I am feeling very scared.

Dear T

That was a pretty hideous couple of days, wasn't it? Nearly 3 years into therapy I finally see the value of waiting till my session to tell you something important, rather than blurting it out in an email, and I wait for 7 days, only to then wait and wait for you as you're 35 minutes late. Seriously T, 35 minutes? And then you tell me that it was because you had to speak to HR because otherwise it would have had to wait till Monday? HR, T?? What was HR going to do at 4.35pm on a Friday rather than 9am on Monday that would have made any difference? We had the session and stayed vaguely on track. But how sad that instead of being angry with you, instead of holding to *my* boundaries and refusing to wait because I had plans for afterwards, I felt angry with myself. I felt so utterly stupid for believing that the pathetic things I had wanted to tell you were important to you too, for believing that I was important enough for you to be there when you were supposed to be.

And then a hideous Saturday to follow it up. For the first time in months I've actually been glad that we don't have contact today, and I'm feeling quite anxious that tomorrow will throw me back into high distress. I don't know what to say or how to be with you, for fear of doing or saying or being 'wrong'.

I think that's crummy, improving. You shouldn't have to pay, or something to make up for it. It's unprofessional!! Did she give you extra time to make up for it?

Thanks for the hugs, rainbow. We went for an hour from the time that we started. Plus as you know she gives me a free weekly phonecall plus close texting 6 days a week. The problem is that she does too much. But I am a bit part of that and I really benefit, so on the rare occasions it impacts on me, it makes sense for me to shut up and put up. Now I feel guilty for complaining on here I think it was hard because it was such an important session, and she knew I had been literally bursting to talk about this stuff for a whole week (and was feeling very vulnerable and ambivalent about telling her), and she was so blase about being so late (I had left and she texted me to say 'where are you?', not 'I'm sorry' or anything). Plus as I sat waiting I told myself that she was just helping someone suicidal, and there were lots of times she had helped me, so the HR thing threw me, because I literally can't understand how calling them then would have made any difference... Ugh. Let. It. Go, Improving...

Dear T,
I hate that you only read your email when you are at work. I had hoped maybe this weekend would be different.
Bluemountains

Things are changing from wanting to come everyday to not wanting to come at all. Fri session was horrible. Pointless. We didn't do any work. At least u admitted u easily get sucked into lil chit chat...that pretty much explains the last 6 months! But what a waste of a session. And the rest of Friday too since I spent it in bed depressed.

If your easily sucked into chit chat? And chit chat is my diversion tactic from talking about deeper stuff...HOW is this gonna work???? Years of "small talk chit chat therapy???? :/

Dear T,

Is there really anything more you can do for me? Sometimes I think we are talking in circles. I need to get down to some real work. Are you waiting on me, or am I waiting on you? It is your job to figure that one out. I don't know what we should be doing, but I feel like I need to have more depth to our sessions. I am afraid to bring this up because you may tell me something like "If you feel that you are not getting anything out of therapy, maybe it is time to stop coming."

Squiggle

Dear T,
Why am i so scared? ...paranoid even, at times, why?

It is good you keep reassuring me I am not doing therapy wrong.

Dear T,

My life is falling apart. I am sorry that there has been a death in your family, but this is a terrible time for you to be out of town and to have to cancel our session. Maybe I am triggered at knowing you are gone? Maybe that is why I am feeling this way? Thinking about waiting 9 more days until I can talk to you about what is going on is sending me into a downward spiral. I don't want to email because I want to respect your privacy during this time. I don't understand all of this. One day I think I am fine (cured) and then the next day (out of nowhere), I fall off a cliff!

Squiggle

Squiggle, I am very sorry you have to miss your session!!! I panic every week that my T will have something like that happen. The only thing to do is take 1 day at a time. You can post more on here, like what you'd email your T if that will help.