Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Lauru, I have been in a similar place. Totally thought out, detailed plan and a certainty that acting on that plan was just a matter of when. PLEASE, please, please know that there is help and there is hope. If your current therapist cannot help you, change therapists! I tried repeatedly to find a therapist to help, and actually gave up hope for a while of finding any help. It was someone who loved me who kept kicking me in the *** to try and convince me I didn't have to feel that way for the rest of my life and nagged me finally into trying yet ANOTHER therapist. Finally, that therapist helped me and I was feeling better within a matter of weeks. It was amazing, in retrospect, how fast I felt better. Drugs did not work for me. Analytic type therapy did not work for me. I saw a CBT therapist and he has helped tremendously. Please do not give up. Keep trying.

Do what you can do. Not what you can't.

Thank you. But I don't think there is hope or help. My T and pdoc are great and have helped me so much. I just am too tired now. It has been a long time, a really long time. I was in group T the other night and someone mentioned she had a picture of herself from before when she was doing really good and that she wanted to get back to the person she was. I don't have a pic like that. I have never been doing good, not even as a small child. And that is so infinitely sad to me. There does not exist a pic of me when I was happy or doing good. That time has never materialized for me. At some point you just gotta say, enough. I give up. I'm tired of trying. I accept that it will never get better. I accept my fate. And I do.

Dear Recent Ex-T ;

HOW COULD YOU DO WHAT YOU DID ON MONDAY TO A PATIENT??

OK OK-- SO I tell you about my suicidal things, what I was doing- EVEN ONE OF MY PLANS! AND THAT I WAS CUTTING!

YOU give me a chapter on Bipolar and suicide and say read it and do the work sheets--- The Chapter states that it was ok for me to be honest and open with my therapist about these thoughts and planning, and all........

That not to fear of losing people and that people will help me....

Then my session after that one, you Tell me that I am fine- I never have hit a low spot for you... You take a note that I wrote while in mixed rapid state whatever- and take it OUT OF CONTEXT of I did not want to do therapy- I TOLD YOU in the note and the session that I gave you the note- that I Was Getting to the point of HOPELESSNESS with how I am and getting help.... And then you read it the session after, use it against me as I don't need therapy- and all that crap.

YOU MAKE ME FEEL PARTIALLY LIKE I ****ING SCARED YOU!@

ALONG WITH OTHER FEELINGS TOO

I know I said something not so nice of My boyfriend thinks I have gotten worse while seeing you when you were pushing me out- BUT at least that was honest- he does think i had gotten a bit worse with your stuff that you told me to do with no direction which was so frustrating that it was not funny.,....

T-- I am sort done right now00 It is almost a week of this me fighting in my head with you......... saying things I should had said..... going off on you!!

You have really broken a trust with me-- and worse yet YOU Were My first Therapist-- IT TOOK ME SO MUCH TO GO IN AND THIS IS WHAT THE OUTCOME WAS....

I AM TAKING THIS EXPERIENCE AND Trying to learn from it-- I AM MAKING A LIST OF QUESTIONS AND THINGS FOR ANOTHER THERAPIST>

In addition-- YOU PUSHED THE IDEA OF MEDS ON ME SO MUCH- one does not work- YOU ARE THE ONE THAT WAS LIKE GET OFF THIS ASAP -- AND THEN.... YOU TELL ME THAT I WOULD NOT STAY ON ANY OF THE DRUGS ANYWAYS LIKE I WAS THE ONE THAT JUST UPPED AND STOPPED IT

I AM SO ANGRY WITH THIS WOMAN RIGHT NOW AND I HOPE THIS FREAKING PASSES SOON!

I know that exhausted feeling so well. In my case it does eventually ease up but like you, I don't have a happy time or place to get back to, I don't have any idea of how to picture some future where things are okay because I've never had that, not even as a young child. My T's great and helps so much too but she recently said something about how I'm able to hold on to some hope if someone else (like her) has some for me but otherwise I don't have any. I've only had support and help for 3 years of my life and hope is SO hard to hold onto. I remember recently describing to my T how tired I felt and she suggested I have a certain amount of time each day when I don't have to try. I don't know if it helped, maybe a little, the idea that because I'm so exhausted I let myself fall, stop, whatever and then I go back to the exhausting fight. Although recently my T's taken to saying "give up then"! Gee thanks T. Though she of course doesn't want me to give up I'm still not sure I love hearing that.

I still so love you and want you to be my mother. But I must recognize that a more skillful therapist could better help me advance to where I need to be.

I've given up, and it's okay. Nothing you say will ever make a difference. Nothing touches me. I've already moved on...

Dear T,

Even though I was really upset the other day. I chose to get up today and not stay in bed crying. I chose to not allow my over-reaction to go on and on for days. I know that you are aware that I was not mad at you when I said some things that insinuated that you didn't care. I know that you care. I also know that you have to be the strong one here and keep me going toward my goal. You can't join my pity party, sadness, hurt, or anger. You have to be the one who shines the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for that. Sometimes it urks me to death when you do that, but I know it is necessary.

Squiggle

Dear T,

So we had a really great session Friday. I was feeling very upbeat, very hopeful, very happy, very energetic. Had some laughs about how ditzy you were acting because of the cold medicine. Our relationship is great - warm, solid, trusting, caring both ways.
So why, why, why when I come home and I'm sitting reading do these new memories come flooding in and hit me, wham, like bullets all over my body? I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I was so scared I couldn't move for almost five minutes - I just sat there shaking.

I thought I was done with uncovering this sordid ***** from my past - what's going on - why now when I'm suddenly feeling so good for the first time in years? I feel like I'm being punished.

I wrote everything down, put it in an envelope, sealed it and put it away. I can't deal with it or think about it all week until I see you again or I will do something I'll regret. I can't believe I have to wait six days to see you and discuss this. Please be very, very patient and kind with me next week - I'm very frightened right now.

Technically I can't tell you and you are my XT but I've decided to blog about my experience ... May help you too if you ever see it, feedback is good right?

http://chief-imjustsayin.blogspot.com/

Wishing you all the best, I am.....

And by the way , I know that's a canned response as you said exactly the same thing on my attempted termination letter!

I hate the nature of CBT.
I almost wish I had some sort of trauma, so I could see you in a different therapy setting and we'd be closer.
(Yeah, that would be another T then, but whatever. I effing hate the non-closeness.)

I wish you could see the other side of what is happening on the other side of the email. I asked for an appointment and you asked if a day/time over a week away is okay. You know how tough it is for me to ask for help and emailing you for an appointment was a big step. I'm just not sure how well I'm going to be able to function till then, that is if I even email you back to confirm.

Dear T,

I have been SI for about two weeks now..I go between feeling really guilty for doing it, and not really caring. Then, I hear the words you said to me the day I told you that I had been at the point having thoughts of doing it again. You said, I don't usually tell my clients that they are making bad choices, but cutting would in your case be a bad choice. Now, I am afraid to tell you. I don't know how you are going to react, but I feel like I need to tell you. I wanted to tell you at our last session, but I wasn't sure how to bring it up. I really wished you would have asked me. Now, I don't have an appointment for another 8 days.. I am not feeling good about that. I am feeling the lowest I have ever felt.. and I don't know how to convey that to anybody and I am not sure what to do about it. I really want to tell you all of this right now.. and not wait.

I felt like this for years.

In my case it was, "I love you, and I hate you for not loving me enough."

Dear T,

What's the point? You might as well give my appointments to somebody more deserving and who will actually talk to you! I feel I'm just wasting your time

I bet you don't!

Dear T,

I don't think I want to pursue a relationship with you any longer. I'm afraid to tell you this, but also I'm afraid to actually leave. You have been good to me as far as the time you spend with me, giving me a ride home, & most of all agreeing to see me for little to nothing, but I just don't think you are helping me. Or maybe it's me...maybe I'm not open to your help because it's not what I expect. Idk exactly what it is. I just think you can be insensitive sometimes & when I expressed that to you all you had to say was you're being honest. I love that you be honest with me, but hate the way you say things at times. Little do you know...that's hindering my growth with you & it makes me shut down.

Dear T,

Sorry for all the stupid emails today, the anticipation for seeing you tomorrow is killing me!!! Plus I am so nervous about starting school tomorrow. I hope you are not mad at me, for sending them, or annoying you a million times while you were away. I am sorry I am so messed up. I am sorry I am so dependent, and in need of your help. I miss you. I can't wait to see you.

Dear T.

everything is so hard
im not big i feel really small really tiny tiny tiny like an ant about to be squashed.
I feel like i wana disappear T.
I need u

Where are you?

Dear T,

I feel like crying because you won't directly say "I love you" to me. I know the heart you gave me shows how much you care, as well as everything else you do for me, but because of a thread on my forum, I feel bad because other Ts tell their clients they love them. I know that there are probably two good reasons why you won't. One is because you aren't comfortable saying those words to any client. Two is that I might be triggered and feel too good by you saying those exact words to me. I know how much you care about me. I will be okay about this; it's just a minor trigger about being loved. If I'm still thinking about this on Tuesday, I'll bring it up with you.

rainbow

good bye, T

Hey, where you going?

Dear T,

I'm so afraid you're going to hate me or think less of me after you read my latest email. Maybe you won't hate me, but you'll surely roll your eyes reading it and will probably second guess ever taking me on as a client.

ETA: On a lighter note-- I always start every email to my T with "Hi (first name of my T)" but in my last email I had actually written "Dear T" by mistake but luckily caught it before I sent it. I don't know, maybe some people really call their therapists "T" in real life, but I don't, and I imagine she would have been quite confused! (hey, but maybe that would have distracted her from my lame email... )

Dear T-

Now that you know about Psych central, how often will you drop in? Maybe not at all? Are you reading this now?
Sorry I held back so much today. There is so much I don't tell you but I wish I could. Please don't forget me.

Dear T,

You would be surprised how little I've thought about you the last couple of weeks since the "needy little girl" disappeared. I've actually been able to not count the hours until our next session, concentrate on school, and participate in my own life. It feels really liberating, and I know you would be proud of me.