Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Dear T,

I find myself constantly apologizing to you time & time again for being mean. When will you apologize for being mean to me? Will you ever recognize & feel sorry for being so insensitive? I guess you won't because in your eyes you're just being you & you can only be honest. Well I guess that's another apology I will be waiting on...*sigh*

Dear T,

I love you so much it makes me sick. It literally makes me sick.

I'm in the waiting room to see you, and I feel my heart beat. No, I am a heartbeat. It's not just in my chest; it's my entire body. I'm a human drum. Reverberations are sent from my core to the edges of all skin. All sensation is rhythm. Am I going to vomit? Yes! No! I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. Will I faint? Perhaps. I see your silhouette in the hall, out of the corner of my eye. Your face is as composed, delicate and eternal as a Grecian statue. My head feels like it's expanding. It's all in slow motion. I try to look preoccupied and only look up when you call my name.

I can't understand how the chronic nerve pain can leave when I'm in your office, but the waiting room overture is always so torturous. Anticipation and fulfillment do a number on me. They alternate, ebb in and out. Like the heartbeat.

I love you.

I'm sick.

Dear T-

So many years and yet I still get so needy. It frustrates me too. I worry that you will forget about me now that we have had to go back to phone sessions.

The dream I shared w/you was pretty awful. You will probably think I am angry with you. I don't think I am, just feeling emotionally ravenous and nothing will ever satisfy the need.

Hearing from you during the week, even those stingy 2-word emails, does help me get through the day, the week. I love you so much I know that when you pass on it will kill me. We are both getting older and I will lose you some day yet you won't discuss it.

I always want you in my life.

I will probably tell you this in person but:

I want to go WITH you on your trip. That's the 4 year old crying and wanting to hold onto you. She doesn't want you to go away. She's afraid you won't come back. She's very sad.

Dear T,

Why am I crashing? What is so different? You had a valid reason to cancel our session this week. You told me to call if I needed to. But I didn't. I won't. I am trying to do what you taught me to do. It's not working. Meds are not working. Nothing is working. I am not sleeping and I am worn out. Exhausted. Sometimes I wish that you would just email me out of the blue and say, "Hey, I was thinking about you. Is everything okay? Remember you can call me if you need to."

Oh, I was dreaming that part. It will never happen.

Squiggle

I tried to follow my safety plan and I called but you were off sick. then I called the helpline but the person I usually talk to wasn't available and the person I spoke to wasn't very helpful.

it's not the fact that I screwed up almost 2 months free that worries me, it's that for ages it hasn't been giving me any relief but tonight was amazing it worked so well. I just want to keep doing it. it made me feel alive.

I don't know that I can tell you any of this.

I'm not coming in tomorrow. You can't give me what I need right now and it's all too hard. I'm not a tough enough and for tomorrow I'm giving in.

Dear T,

Whatever you have to say to me today, I am quite sure that I do not want to hear it. Yet I don't feel like talking to you either. So it's going to be a pretty silent, boring hour. You may want to bring a book.

Sincerely,
Detached Protector button

Dear T,
I'm scared. I can talk but I don't want to. Silence feels safer. I can work but I don't want to. Hiding feels safer. When my brother was little, he used to huddle up in the cubby hole in my closet. I feel like that. I didn't call because I didn't want to make noise and have •••• hear. I'm tired of being brave and strong. Little scared me wants some time to be.

It wasn't "an experience". It was an assault.

Dear T. I should never have stopped therapy. I got scared... I was getting too close.. new subjects were being brought up and alarms were going off in my head...to get out now... I really need to talk to you... the ED is getting out of control...please call me back!!!

Dear T,
Last week you asked what was going on with me & you asked "old problems or new problems". What is your definition between the two? For me old problems are issues that has been dealt with & healed from. New problems are issues that just happened. So what's your meaning? What about current problems? My current issues are past & present because they aren't dealt with. Why do you think I decided to come see you? I came because I need help dealing with things. Sometimes you make me feel like I don't want to talk to you. Maybe I should quit.

Dear T,

I really need to talk about Sex. I keep bringing it up, and then I keep changing the subject because I don't know how to say the words.

But I keep bringing it up for a reason.

BF and I are having some big issues now that I brought up Childhood Sexual Abuse a few weeks ago with you. Nothing is going as expected.

I need you to help me talk about this somehow.

Please help me.

I need you.

Today I feel like you really dislike me, I don't blame you, I really dislike me too. I'm too much of a loser to be loved, no wonder you didn't even want to come near me today. I want to run in the opposite direction

Dear T,

I am so anxious lately.

Things are so much better from a while ago when I was feeling so suicidal I couldn't even contemplate functioning. But now I am behind and need to play catch up... but I don't know where to begin. I'm so anxious about the ground I've lost during that time.

I HATE suffering from bipolar.

Dear T

I am very angry at you after today's session. There was so much more I wanted and needed to tell you but I couldn't, and you didn't ask. I'm not sure I want to come back next week. I feel like you let me down. If I do go to my appointment next week, please don't let me down again. I HATE this feeling.

*****possible si trigger******

Dear t:
I was so excited for our session tomorrow. I did a lot of writing and wrote out what I wanted to share and work on.

But today work was horrible. I like my job and what I get to do. I can't stand someone I have to work with. She plays the system and gets away with it every time. I am so angry with the whole situation. I tried to talk to my boss about it, but he doesn't care. I don't want to quit my job, but I don't have many options left. I have no one backing me and I feel so alone.

I haven't had si in almost 4 years, but it came roaring back tonight. I don't want to tell you about the si. I am afraid you'll push me onto meds. I know you should know...but...

I want to talk about the writing, but I feel so angry with work I almost feel the need to talk about that instead. I hate that work is constantly edging into every other part of my life. I wish we had more than 50 minutes tomorrow.

I left a msg needing to talk to you. then you called to tell me group was cancelled and you didn't mention the msg. and neither did I because I am not strong enough right now. I needed to tell you I don't think I can go to our appt tomorrow, I'm too scared.

now I'm sitting in the shopping centre about to fall apart.

I am so worried that you are going to tell me that long distance therapy won't work. What adjunct support did you mean? I don't like where this is going.

Dear T,

I am angry with you. You are making my life miserable. Why are you ignoring me? Is your phone dead? Computer down? Should I even come for our appointment tomorrow? I don't like you right now. Maybe its time to part ways.

Squiggle

Dear T: Today's session wiped me out! I felt good when I left, but it wasn't long before the emotional weight of the stuff we worked on today hit me. I cried out of the blue more than once during work today. I wonder what you were thinking of our session today after I left. I wonder what you really think about me. If you think anything that is. Sometimes I wish you would give me a hug. Thank you for being an awesome T.
Love, me.

I'm so scared of seeing you tomorrow I'm still not even sure I can go.

I did the chain analysis for both days - will that stop you from being so disappointed?

Dear T

Why don't you ever ask me if I am ok or if I am safe? In the two and a half years I've been seeing you, you have only asked me once if I was safe. You are the only person that I am completely open and honest with, so I really wish you would ask.

Dear T-after all this time tomorrow I am finally going to tell you that your technique isn't helping me anymore. I kept coming for 2 years holding to false hope. You flat out telling me that you can't structure the sessions more because its not your style made me feel like you are tired of me and don't want me there anymore. I know that just my ineffective schemata getting in the way. But coming for 2 years in denial that this really isn't helping me, is also ineffective schemata. Its time to wind down the sessions now. Its time for me to go.

Dear T,

I have anxiety about our session. I'm sitting here waiting & I'm getting this nervous, stomach in knots, slower breathing, funny feeling in chest...idk why I'm anxious. Idk what to expect...hell I'm not even sure what to say. I just hope this session goes better than the previous ones & I don't completely shut down. We'll see...