It's over- t broke all of my trust

KC,i don't know what to say .i don't have any words,you sound so hurt and devistated.pleas be careful.know that for what it is worth we are here for you as you figure all this out

As difficult as it is, I do agree that this painful experience can be seen as an opportunity....but I imagine that it's hard to see that at the moment.

Also, about the guy on the cliff, you are not alone with these kinds of thoughts. I, too, have had them....every once in a while, they creep up on me and scare the living daylights out of me.

When I read what your T did, it took me back to a couple of similar situations with my first T, too......when she said one thing as a promise, but then talked to her supervisor, when I didn't know she would, and then the next week, her position was 180 degrees different, such an abrupt change and SO hurtful. It did feel like a gut punch and a major betrayal of trust ..... to one week hear, no I won't take away hugs, and next week hear, it would be best to never have physical contact again. Blah de dah......well, it felt well nigh impossible to go back and keep trusting or try to repair trust after that ...... but I did. And I told her that I could understand some of the logic/reasons why she did as she did, and that it wasn't even so much as what she did, but HOW she did it ...... in such an abrupt, harsh manner, really without warning and completely contrary to other things she had said. She had the grace to admit that this was right and to apologize the hurt she brought upon me then.....she thought I had tremendous guts/courage to go back, and she had really thought I wouldn't come back. I said, I didn't want things to end this way, how could I leave things like this? If there was a chance for repair, I wanted to take it, and not run as I had always run before......and then be left with such a painful traumatic memory of how it ended, like a jagged amputation that would heal with thick, painful, constricting scars.....I am glad I didn't run then, because it actually was healing for me to go back and hear her validate my pain/emotions and to learn that I COULD tolerate it, work through it, grow from it.
So, I guess I am saying, I hear and understand your pain and anger - and feel that you have the right to feel that! Definitely! He made an abrupt course change, seems to have completely contradicted himself, and has caused you pain, and has indeed wounded you and your trust by handling this badly. Yet.....if there is a chance at repair, take it, don't run and wound yourself further by running away.....if you take a chance on repair, and it doesn't work, then you walk away knowing you have handled a tough situation with all the grace and courage you had and you don't have to be as tormented with memories of how it ended in the future (a form of closure, at least, if you will....) At least go back and tell him straight out, you broke my trust, you broke your promise, you hurt me, why did you change/were there good, logical reasons, is there anything we can do to fix this?
Best not to burn bridges too hastily.....sometimes they do need burning, yes, but a controlled burn is generally better than an all-out bombing!
As for the guy on the cliff, yes, you might be surprised how many people have thoughts like that. It's not having the thought that makes you bad or is really so wrong...it's feeding on and following through on the thought. You had the moral power to not act on the thought...THAT is what counts. That is the victory....having power over the thought, so it doesn't become a compulsion.
I have thoughts like that and I feel nasty about it too......once I thought I would like to go by exT1's office and throw a rock through the window. But I didn't really want to do that ..... so I didn't feed that thought. And I didn't do it (thankfully!).
Anyway, I just don't think this is a safe time for you to be without a T or to completely cut off the relationship with this T in this way ..... even though I know how badly hurt you feel by him and how he did damage your trust.
Please do stay safe, be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself!

I am soooo sorry you are in so much pain. I would also have ran. I can totally understand where ypu are right now. Don't give up. Don't give T any more or your power.

I have some thoughts, but I write them some other time....

Right now, I am just really concerned that you are abusing sleeping pills to numb your pain. It is dangerous and could have permanent consequences. A few questions/options:

1. Do you have a pdoc that you could contact? When i had an incident with T, I was able to get support from pdoc.

2. Can you contact some sort of crisis line? Even the hospital? What you are describing is the very definition of "not able to keep yourself safe."

3. Do you live alone? If so, can you go stay with a friend or family member for several days? They can help you stay safe.

We are all very concerned about you.

Best,
EJ

Kacey, you are not the only one who has similar thoughts pop into their minds. I don't know why they do, but they are thoughts! They are not actions! If you want to, you might examine them to see what they mean, but don't kick yourself around for them. Be a scientist and examine them!

Kacey, I know how painful this is for you, as I have been in a similar situation and it hurts really bad. However, your T is just doing what he thinks is best for you and although you are hurt and you don't like it, it is probably a good idea to give it a try. My therapist did something similar and it turned out to be the best thing she could have done for me. I was so upset i couldnt function for days but now i see how much she cared about me. It's not that you shouldnt be attached to your therapist. the attachment is crucial to healing, but two times a week can actually cause so many more problems and your T probably realizes this now. My attachment to my t is healthy and strong and i only see her every other week. I feel her with me all the time! I feel more connected than when i was seeing her twice a week and struggling to stay connected. Sometimes we don't like what our therapist do but it does not mean they don't care. Just like any good parent, they have to set limits that we dont always like or agree with. Hang in there!

Yes Eastcoaster, that is exactly it. It feels traumatic and now all of the trust is gone. I can't understand why they have to consult as it is. Those other shrinks seem to always enemy up against the clients.

Awe, some of you are your guy's replies crack me up. "Brain transplant!" LOL. No it wasn't the insurance company that wouldn't let him appeal it was feedback from the consultation and his own doing. He won't even admit it was from consultation, he said it was his own decision. Well I am really glad he asked me to weigh in because it affected me the most!

You all have been wonderful with your support and responses. I didn't wake up until 3 pm today and it was heartwarming to see replies.

I will try to respond to everyone independently but since I don't know how to multiquote it may take a while.

I can not stand to be awake because I have this awful pain. You know when you are going to cry and you get that lump in your throat and it is really tight. When your heart feels like it is made of rocks and your eyes burn with tears that won't fall. That is what it feels like when I am awake and it will not go away. I have drugged myself to not feel this pain and the medicine is still in my system because it is easy to fall back asleep. I haven't left my house since Thursday at 12:30 but tomorrow I will have to try to go to work.

My t left a message on Thursday after my so called session at two pm. The skills trainer called the next day after I didn't show for that appointment and I have not returned either of those calls. I hope that t will not call and leave a voicemail on my old phone on Monday. I think it will just set me back. I know some people think I should try to work this out with t but I just can not do it. I mean it is going to end someday so why prolong the misery?

I am so confused about the "not reassuring me" part. He wouldn't say to his children, "Well kids, I've already told you I love you so use your wise mind and know it because I am not going to tell you again when you ask." I know there are some of you out there that may say that I am not his child and I understand that. However, he has raised me more than my own parent's did and he truly did have to start from scratch. He taught me social skills, skill sets, how to name an emotion, how to have a relationship with someone else, he is helping me to make eye contact, he has taught me that I don't have to hurt first because not everyone hurts people. He is the only "parent" to remind me to take my night meds, to wear sunscreen at the beach, that he is happy I made it back from a vacation and he missed me. Why does therapy feel so cruel? It takes us people who really didn't have a true childhood and make us aware of what we missed and then have the reality that we can't have what we never even knew we were missing. You end up loving a person, like really loving in a pure way, and that person is someone that you can NEVER have a true relationship with. That person is one you have to let go of.

When he was breaking the news to me that he was changing the rules he said that since we have two appointments a week I am very attached to him, as he is to me. If you were attached to someone would you push them away?

Ahh well, I am losing my train of thought and getting swept up in these feelings. I have to stop and regroup.

I do want to thank everyone who posted about the "pushing that man off the cliff." I can not believe other people have had those thoughts. I would have never have guessed that those were normal thoughts. I am really glad I put that out there. Is that urge that is so fierce normal too? It is like it was all I could do to not do it. I mean this is a stranger for G-sake!

I am supposed to have an appointment with p-doc this week but I am not going to go to that either. I just hate everything about mental health stuff. I skipped my one last month as well. I like my p-doc and everything but she always asks me about therapy and then I usually cry and she only filled out my FMLA with the deal that I was going to stay in DBT. I can't do that without a t. I am just afraid that I may never go back and then what would happen? My family practice doc will not fill my psych meds because I am on too many and he isn't sure how they all react with eachother. Aggh I just want to keep taking sleeping pills and not be here and deal with anything.

EJ,
I have a p-doc but do not contact her out of appointments, if I do I only talk to her nurse which doesn't even help me. Yes, I do live alone and have been pulling back even more from life. I go to work and home. I went on a vacation which was nice. However, I can't seem to get myself out of my house at home. I haven't been to the grocery store in almost a month, I just go to work and go home. There is a DBT coaching line that I could call but I can't because it is the group that my t is in. They would just report to him that I called. They are all the ones that probably helped him make that decision and are secretly laughing at me. They would love to have me call all falling apart. I will not give them the satisfaction. I am not sure if I can go to work tomorrow but if I can maybe it will be a good thing. It is about the only thing that keeps me checked into life right now. I will try not to take more than the dose that I am supposed to anymore. I need to detox my system. Thanks for caring enough to post these questions. Maybe I will call a crisis line.

Improving, Elli-Mae, Spirit Runner, Pachy, and Tay you all wrote some really insightful things that I just love. I will respond, but right now my mind is just too tired to type logically anymore. Thanks for all you thoughtful, caring responses. I will reply tomorrow.

Wepow, MUE, Granite, Can't Explain........ (everyone). I truly love your responses as well and appreciate you all so much. Can't Explain I really liked what you said about when a man talks about doing a disservice it is actually something he is ashamed of. I will have to sit with that for a while.

thank you for posting again, Kacey, so we know you're up and around....but please, DON'T take more sleeping pills! as painful as this is, and I understand the desire to numb it and be oblivious (I really really do), you need to face it, deal with it, keep doing the next right thing (as I remember Tree saying to me once when I was struggling very badly) ...... you may doubt it, but the strength to do this IS in you!
I hear your pain about T being like your parent, even parenting you as you weren't before, and now it seems as though he isn't treating you as a parent would treat a child. No, he probably wouldn't say to his small child, nor would any good parent, go, be in your wise mind now and remember I love you and you don't need to ask.....I might ask, are those really similar to the words he used with you, or is it more like those are words you heard? Please imagine that I'm asking this gently and not with any judgment......
But to a teenager/young adult child, what might a parent say or what might they expect? Not that they would really say, I won't say I love you because you should remember it (that's harsh) - but there might be the expectation perhaps that the child is able to hold on to the love/connection, feel more secure in it, be able to be more independent/self-sufficient emotionally, more able to venture forth further from the nest with the security of knowing the nest is still there and the love is still there when they need to return. I haven't said it very well, I know. But I wonder if T is perhaps thinking he needs to move forward to a further level of parenting you, one of teaching you more emotional independence yet with the security of knowing he is there, loves you.....because it is true, and hard to face, therapy relationships aren't generally meant to be physically forever.
But then, just as children who've been well-parented can leave the nest and still feel the love/security of home in their hearts, just as older adults who've lost their loving parents yet still carry them in their hearts, it is possible to carry our Ts forever in our hearts.
I lost my first T in a more traumatic ending, you might say, but she's still in my heart......my 2nd T did a LOT toward reparenting me, and it's from her I learned/am learning how to carry the security of having been nurtured/mothered with me even though I am physically separate from her. I haven't seen her for 2 months....but I still feel in my heart the nurturing she gave me. It gave me a security that I could move forward without her...but then I'm not really without her, because what she did for me is in me and is still real. It's really not all letting go....there's something to hold on to, too. So I often I think of what I've lost, esp. in my T relationships.....but I try to look at what I gained, what is good that is mine to keep from the relationship.
Connections/attachments/relationships are always changing and yes, there's always loss.....in that sense, maybe the T relationship does mirror the way life goes. But it does hurt; it does, because you don't want there to be loss. I want T1 to still be in my life in the real sense, but she isn't, so she isn't......
I don't think I've probably said much in this that is truly valuable to you....but I can hope!
And I hope you will remember you are cared for and loved....and I think (though I don't know him, of course) that your T still cares for and loves you......

Kacey, i can really feel how bad this is affecting you. I can feel your anger, hurt and sense of abandonment. I feel angry on your behalf, because what your therapist has done is so damaging, i believe he has done what he thinks is in your best interest and it sounds like he care for you a lot.

It may well be the case that dropping to once a week will help you to connect better with the outside world and that gradually you will cope better without him. This is maybe something that needs to happen and perhaps the 2 sessions a week are not helping you to be more self-reliant, however, what i cannot agree is in your best interests is to just drop you to 1 session per week 1) without making you part of the consultation process and decision making and 2) not making that transition as easy as possible by perhaps giving you a date 6 weeks ahead to prepare you for going to once per week sessions.

How can someone with trust and attachment issues be expected to cope with a sudden change and apparent withdrawal of the one source of stability and connection and support in their live???? Total bad move on your therapists part in my opinion. However, do you think you could maybe address this with him? Perhaps ask for a gradual introduction to the once per week session? And if you really can't cope after trying then perhaps the 2 per week will be reinstated with a view to reviewing the situation when you're more stable?

Kacey, I must say, therapists seem to work really hard to get us to trust them, then once we get attached to them, do things to push us away. I haven't figured that one out yet.

Please cut back on the sleeping pills. I worry for your safety.

Regarding your thought: thoughts are thoughts and feelings are feelings. Both can lie. Neither should be ignored nor placed in charge. You had a thought and it brought up feelings. You can look at the feelings, decide if it means anything to you and go from there.

Big hugs to you, Kacey.

((Kacey)),
I can't imagine how painful that must have be and still must be. Your therapist just retraumatized you and massively set you back as far as trust and abandonment fear go, in my opinion. Again, in my opinion, what your therapist did was inexcusable. He made the choice for you, he didn't even try to negotiate boundaries with you. It's no wonder that you don't want to speak to any of your other Dr.s, why would you risk the chance of them doing what he did? I'm infuriated beyond belief but I know that you will somehow find your way through this. I hope that you are able to find another therapist to try to teach you how to trust again.

I don't think it's a bad idea to see your old T again. You should see him and tell him that he promised not to do this to you, and that although you would love to use your 'wise mind', that it's difficult if not impossible when you are fraught with overwhelming emotion and when you are dealing with abandonment pain (or agony). Tell him that he needs to use his 'wise mind' to figure out that triggering your abandonment fear and then reducing your number of sessions with him is reinforcing your fear/emotional overwhelm response. These issues take TIME and patience on part of both parties. Please keep us updated! I wish you peace

Thanks for this! You explained it much better than I did.

Rupture/repair is an important part of therapy for many people - perhaps the most important part.

Demn straight! You put them in the fire, place them on the anvil and thump them with a heavy hammer.

Right now your knee jerk reaction is to run away and never come back: run away from T, run away from pdoc, run away from meds, run away from life by abusing sleeping pills, run away from pain period. I suppose you can do that, but you are going to end up crashing, and that will be entirely on you. Please slow this destructive train down and consider making healthy decisions that will give you personal strength and empowerment.

Lose the sleeping pills before you do yourself serious harm. Call your pdoc and let him know you have been abusing your medicine. Go in to see him so he can evaluate where you stand with your medications. Stopping your meds without medical supervision is unwise.

Go in to see your T. You need to hear each other out. This hurt you terribly, but it didn't sound like that was his intent. You need to really hear him, yes from that wise/adult mind. He needs to hear how the "child" was wounded.

This can be worked through if you choose to work to help yourself rather than continuing to run away and harm yourself.

To crash you like this after your vacation? Is that just a coincidence? Or hostility, manipulation, countertransference on someone's part? I would need to deal with this before I could go on vacation again - maybe partly why I haven't been away since I can't remember when.

Kacey - I know this has been a horrible blow.

I do think, however, it is important to realize here that you do have a choice. The power lies with you, not your therapist.

You get to choose and not simply react, to the situation at hand.

Again, I understand the hurt and the desire to run from everything, but, again, ask yourself am I really chosing to do this, or am I reacting to a situation?

Am I exercising my fundamental right as a human being to exert my will and wants, or letting other people decide for me how I will respond.

I know if I were you I would be thinking WHAT? Why would anyone chose to walk back into that painful situation? Really? Really? Go back????

Well, from the outside looking in, I can see that there may be something salvagable here in the relationship. Try to look at the relationship as a whole and separate from this incident. You might decide that the good stuff there outweighs the events (upsetting though they may be) of the past week.

I think it is through this deliberation that your true power, and innate right as a human, lies. You are not at the mercy of others here. You do not have to run if you do not want to .

Also, dude, put the sleeping pills down okay? Not only is it dangerous, but they will cloud your judgement. You cannot reclaim anything under the spell of tranquilizer.

Finally, sorry lady, but you do not get a get out of normal pass for the desire to push that guy off a cliff. Yeppers, it's almost universal for humans, whether we care to admit it or not, to have those same impulses. Humans harbor much greatness, AND much, well, not so greatness.

It's in all of us and you are very very much one of us.

Called T back and it was not good at all. I effin hate him! I will write later tonight about what was said.

I am sorry it went poorly. Take care of yourself.

kacey i hope you are ok

I am sorry about that, too. Please keep yourself safe!