she does hate me

Paolo Coelho once said that madness is inability to communicate. You are trying here already. Try with your T next. Then you will be able to do it with others.

Sometimes learning to communicate one's needs or worries or whatnot, helps a lot by itself.

omg thank to all of you for the amazing show of reason and support.i do feel a lot better today and resolve to try to communicate all this to my T ill try.going now to give some attention to some other posters in need of hugs.thanks guys and any ideas on how to get past this irrational terror of the spoken word that doesn't involve texting,e-mail, snail mailing,or handing her a letter to read(all not allowed)voiced words only, would be greatly accepted.

Are you even really meshing with this T?

I understand that she wants you to branch out and talk to her about things in person, but a complete ban is really silencing. I know that I couldn't do it if a T did that. There would have to be times that something really important needed written.

Frankly I don't understand at least not being able to hand her a note in the beginning of session. I mean, you know she's going to read it and discuss it right away, so what the mallard is the problem?

Talking is hard for me too. I wish I had advice for you, I can't imagine making words for that. : / Maybe before you even talk about the things you want to talk about, you could get her take on how you're supposed to get past your, 'irrational terror of spoken word'?

i can call her on the phone and she will call back if i need her to n monday - wed and i can write in session or bring in a letter but she will not read them she will expect me to read them out loud.she is very strict about this boundry and i respect it and understand the reasoning but yes it is hard.

Yeah, i'm jUst getting paranoid because of what's been going on with kacey. The contrast between granite's T last week, when she said she was going to show her compassion, and this week, when, by granite's account, she was late and not forthcoming about about the reason, then left the room again - wtf? it seems manipulative. unless it was granite's expectations skewing her perceptions - but she didn't PERCEIVE T being late, T actually WAS late. I understand not wanting to start over, but there is also "not throwing good money after bad." and I wasn't SAYING starting over from scratch. But maybe this T isn't seeing everything that's going on. Maybe her boundaries about writing aren't working. Maybe a consult can open up some options, is all I'm saying. Cos i'm not diagnosing, but if granite did dissociate at the beginning of this session, how could the T have handled it differently, and why didn't she?

Granite I am just starting to sort through this thread now. I do recall reading part of it yesterday and I was wondering (probably has been brought up by now) if you could go in there and blow your t out of the water by simply moving the chair to a place that you find comfortable? This is perfect because you don't even need to use words for this specific situation! Oh it would just be so awesome if you could. I would do back flips for you.

I'm sorry you're so upset. You've gotten some great answers and suggestions. I think it is very important that your T knows that the chair placement is triggering you so much. Whether you write it or tell her or move the chair it's important because it's about how your past impacts you today.

I'm reading the book, Getting Past Your Past, and seeing that so much of how we feel in the present is because of incidents that happened in our past. We often don't know why something bothers us so much, but in your case you do. The only way to get over it is to work through it. That's why I think it is so crucial that your T knows yuur reactions. I don't think she has any idea of the chair bothering you. She's not a mind reader.

I know it's hard but you have to tell her. She doesn't hate you; that's how you feel because of things that happened to you in your past. I'm sorry you had such an upsetting session but it is "grist for the mill' as m;y T would say.

That would solve this problem, but still leave Granite open to being triggered again somewhere else - in a place and time when T is not there to help.

There is an opportunity here to explore with T what "being put in the corner" does to Granite, and I think she should use that if she can.

FANTASY DIALOG:

Granite: Last week I was triggered when I found the chair in the wrong place and it wrecked the whole session. I thought you had put me in the corner deliberately. I felt (insert your feelings here).
T: I'm sorry. It was an accident. But let's talk about it.

Granite - does it help you at all to practice saying what you want to say with no one around or talking to a pet or a mirror?

((((((((((granite))))))))

I am sorry you have had such a hard week. I am also sensitive to where things are in my Ts office. I told my T that I thought she should glue all her furniture to the floor so it wouldn't move since I don't like it when I come into session and it has been moved.

My guess is that the previous client has been moving the chair. It might be that the chair gets reset at the end of the day or by the cleaners. So when your sessions were on monday, you didn't have this person before you moving the chair. There may have been a crisis or something that made your T late for your session. I"m sorry she didn't make the time up at the end of the session.

It sounds like she was trying to get centered at the beginning of your session with the water and the breath mints. Maybe she was unsettled by her previous client.

I have seen over and over again that you are scared of the behavior of others. That you are always scared that they are angry at you. I have been to the same place. It is a hard place to get out of. Always having to be on alert to see if others are going to hurt you. Always being suspicious because that is the way you survived as a kid. That is the way you kept yourself safe. I think you are improving because you were willing to look at other reasons for her behavior a lot quicker than you would have in the past. That is a good start. Try to talk to your T about this. I know it is hard.

You can do this.

yes it sometimes does.i accually do that a lot when i am needing to deal with someone i dont know but i can only go so far and when faced with a responce that throws me i freeze

i agree with you cant but it is scarey

I know.

i think my T would probably say something more like "oh really ,what was going on?"then she would sit back in her chair stare at me with arms crossed and wate for an answer and i would more or less be like this

Remind yourself while it is happening that you are being triggered and this is causing your feelings from the past to flood back and that you are projecting this onto T when it is really coming from your past.