[Dreamy01]

Does anyone else have a T who doesn't respond to every email? If so, do you still email between sessions when the need arises or has this put you off emailing at all?

My T responds to some (usually admin related) but doesn't promise she will reply to all. I have sent one or two emotional emails over the last few months which have not recieved a response. I don't want to ask T for a reply; she has made her stance clear.

However, her lack of responses are deeply upsetting at those times. I don't email much at all, maybe every few weeks, and even just a quick 'Thank you' or 'We will talk about this next week' would mean a lot.

I wrote T a letter about my feelings but we didn't really discuss it other than what she said about not replying to all. She did say she felt I wanted more from her during the week which I suppose is true in a way, and her comment on this has left me with a sense of shame that I have not been able to address with her. It feels bad to be needing more from her.

All this has put me off emailing which deep down is probably what T wants. But I can't avoid the deep anger and sadness this has left me with. I have not emailed for a while and certainly not over emotional stuff. Today I feel a deep urge to contact her but I won't because I'm too scared to do so, scared that I'll be behaving wrongly and scared that she won't reply and I'll be left facing those feelings again.

As a note, T is okay with me phoning during the week if I need to so she isn't completely unavailable although it's not something she encourages often.

Some weeks I can manage this but sometimes it makes me feel so miserable. I can't believe I still want to email despite this but her replies mean so much. I wish I hadn't told her at the time how much her replies meant because I fear that is why she has stopped.

The situation you described reminded me of 'intermittent reinforcement':
http://wik.ed.uiuc.edu/index.php/Intermittent_reinforcement

Strangely, when our behaviour only sometimes elicits the response we want from T, and when we can't predict when it will elicit T's response, the behaviour is even harder to stop than when the behaviour always elicits the response. So if T replied to your emails every time, it would actually be easier for you to stop emailing.

I'm sorry you feel ashamed of your needs and wants- I know how horrible that feels It sounds like you need to clear this up with T- is she saying that it's ok for you to send emails? I mean, is sending an email separate from the issue of replying?

Earlier this week, and very unusually, I texted T on the final day of her holiday and asked her to reply. But I also said 'I know you might not reply'. I knew that it was ok for me to text- no judgements, no shame. But I also knew that it was ok for her to choose not to reply (as she did). The next day she texted me as normal and neither of us mentioned the text from the day before- she didn't feel the need to apologise for not replying, or to tell me off for sending it, and I didn't feel the need to take her to task for not replying or to apologise for texting. This is actually very unlike my normal reactions, but because it has come about as an 'agreement' and mutual 'permission' between us, I'm somehow ok with it. I'm wondering if you and your T could come to a similar agreement- and whether this would reduce your pain?

[Dreamy01]

Hi Improving, thanks for your post it's really helpful.

Yes, I think if I always recieved a reply it would actualy be easier for me to curb the need because it would feel like a secure arrangement. I think at the moment I simply don't know what is acceptable and my desire for a reply (and not knowing if it will come) actually increases the need to do it. If I could pretty much guarantee a reply, however brief, it would take away the desire in the end, I feel sure.

T hasn't actually said it's okay to email although she hasn't indicated that it isn't either. She always refers to any email in the following session, but I guess my feeling is she would prefer I hadn't sent it or that I'd phoned her instead. I don't always want to bother her by phone though. Some things are best said in written words and don't need a dialogue about, at least not until the session.

I think she would tell me if I was doing something wrong. She seems settled in her boundaries and I trust her to tell me if I was crossing her line. My fear is that one day I will send too many or my email will not be what she deems 'appropriate' and she will stop me sending them.

I don't feel able to discuss this because I will come across as needing her which fills me with shame.

I think an arrangement like you describe would really help me although wouldn't probably take away the need for her to respond. I don't know what will deal with that, I suspect nothing will.

The only way forward is to talk to her but I feel unable to.

[nicoleflynn]

Your t needs to be clear on her policy for e-mail and everything else I know how difficult it is to ask for what you need. You have a right to do that. You are paying her for a service and it does no service to you...to not ask for what you need. Perhaps you can write down what you need and how it feels to be rejected (scary, I know).....Try to ignore the shame long enough to write/say what you have here, otherwise you will continue to not get what you want and even feel worse. She needs to be upfront with you, but unless you talk about it that cannot happen. There is no point in you suffering.

[Dreamy01]

Thanks Nicoleflynn.

I did actually write down my feelings about not receiving responses in my letter to her about the issue, which was a while ago now (I think before Christmas). We didn't have much time at the end of the session to discuss it but she explained her stance (that she didn't always reply) and also acknowledged my feelings and said she understood how annoying it was to not recieve a reply. I guess I'd hoped that even though she made her stance clear, my feelings about the issue would persuade her to send replies. This has not been the case because one or two emails I've sent since that discussion have not had replies.

I'm sure T has her reasons for not sending one (maybe she feels everything needs to be kept for session and email responses can be misinterpreted or I might start sending loads or whatever) but a simple acknowledgment would mean a lot. I explained this to her at the time as well.

I guess we didn't have enough time to explore the issue in depth. T won't raise an issue unless I do so it's possible she's aware it might still be a problem for me.

You're right, it's not helping to feel like this but I'm so scared about the whole thing.

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

I don't feel able to discuss this because I will come across as needing her which fills me with shame.

I think an arrangement like you describe would really help me although wouldn't probably take away the need for her to respond. I don't know what will deal with that, I suspect nothing will.

Yes, this is what I was thinking as I was replying. It sounds like there are two really important things here on top of her email policy and whether she replies-

1. The shame you feel at needing her, and how you can reduce this shame
2. The need for her to respond, and what this means- it is a need for closeness? acceptance? And if she is not willing to reply, how else can you meet this need?

I'm sorry you're hurting. I know how hard it is

[WikidPissah]

I have great shame in asking for help as well. I don't have any great advice about it, just wanted you to know you weren't alone. My T responds to email, and I should use it more...he asks me to write and I still don't.

[elliemay]

In my mind there is one very simple method to deal with this whole issue. Stop emailing her.

There are other, less hurtful, ways for you to keep that attached feeling and deal with the need to see her and make contact.

Whether she is physically with you or not, your therapist is there. Perhaps you could create a shared permanent object, like a stone or something, that you could keep with you as a reminder that she is there.

The feeling that you want to share can be held until the session. There will be a time for them.

I also think that this will give you time to work through your own feelings about things. Write to yourself. Examine what you write. Ask why you feel this way?

I think this is one way out of this situation. I agree, there is absolutely no reason to suffer. It is within your ability to fix it.

[Dreamy01]

Originally Posted by Improving

Yes, this is what I was thinking as I was replying. It sounds like there are two really important things here on top of her email policy and whether she replies-

1. The shame you feel at needing her, and how you can reduce this shame
2. The need for her to respond, and what this means- it is a need for closeness? acceptance? And if she is not willing to reply, how else can you meet this need?

I'm sorry you're hurting. I know how hard it is

Thanks. I think this boils down to a need to be heard. To my emotional, non rational self, a non response equals rejection and this has rings of childhood where my mother never really listened to me. Everything I said seemed to go out into a void. Even though T raises the email in the following session, her non response still feels devastatingly painful and I feel ashamed for sending it and still wanting a reply.

[Dreamy01]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I have great shame in asking for help as well. I don't have any great advice about it, just wanted you to know you weren't alone. My T responds to email, and I should use it more...he asks me to write and I still don't.

Thanks, it's good to know I'm not alone. Needing T is very hard to deal with

[Dreamy01]

Originally Posted by elliemay

In my mind there is one very simple method to deal with this whole issue. Stop emailing her.

There are other, less hurtful, ways for you to keep that attached feeling and deal with the need to see her and make contact.

Whether she is physically with you or not, your therapist is there. Perhaps you could create a shared permanent object, like a stone or something, that you could keep with you as a reminder that she is there.

The feeling that you want to share can be held until the session. There will be a time for them.

I also think that this will give you time to work through your own feelings about things. Write to yourself. Examine what you write. Ask why you feel this way?

I think this is one way out of this situation. I agree, there is absolutely no reason to suffer. It is within your ability to fix it.

Thanks, but to be honest, I have done just that. I haven't emailed her for some weeks apart from one occasion when I had to (admin reasons). I certainly haven't sent an emotional email for a while for the exact reasons you mention. While it has taken the stress of not having a response away, it hasn't come anywhere near resolving it in my head. I'm still left with the shame, the needing, the sadness and the anger. I don't think it was addressed enough with T, but yes am aware she probably won't change her stance either.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

I'm still left with the shame, the needing, the sadness and the anger. I don't think it was addressed enough with T, but yes am aware she probably won't change her stance either.

In my opinion, this the shame, the needing, the sadness and the anger is what needs addressing, of course, not the email.

Of these emotions, which is getting the most "air time" so to speak. If it's the shame, wow, I wish I could reach in and pull that out of your head.

I can assure you that it doesn't belong to you, you don't deserve to feel that way, and you didn't ask for it. It was put upon you.

There is absolutely, positively nothing that you did that will separate you from that connection that you seek and are entitled to.

I don't think email is the best way to forge that connection, it will have to come from within and reside in you.

It's there. It's always been there, that worthiness for connection. Someone, or something just tried to take it from you.

Just my two cents here.

[granite1]

i am not allowed to e-mail my T either i can call if needed. when i feel i need to be connected to her between sessions i will write in my T journal or i will make her a card of something.it helps especially when i am thinking so negatively about something that may have gone on in session that i have to sit with.it sucks but one thing i have learned is the things can Waite until next session and it may be ridiculously hard but I'm still here. i may not have the greatest connection with my T .but I'm still here