we are curious-does anyone else ever just stay unhappy because they dont feel like doing anything to change it? and this next part is speaking ONLY for us and our own experiences,so please know it is not directed at anyone else
sometimes,although not very often,we will just stay wallowing in our own self-pity because the thought of actually pushing ourselves to motivate or do something to counter or alleviate the sadness,depression or unhappiness is too much of an effort. sometimes we get angry when others suggest,helpfully,that maybe doing such and such will help. sometimes we just prefer to stay stuck. and yet we usually end up asking ourselves-whats the payoff? will we get more attention-negative or otherwise? will we get more sympathy? more ego stroking? we are taking a chance and being totally open here so please,no attacking. thanks and looking forward to reading the replies♥

TD, what a good, insightful question! Yes, I think I do this too. (Right now for instance.) I'm not sure I have any good answers about what causes it. I tend to tell myself it's pure laziness, it's easier to stay in the current situation than work on changing it. I would never suggest that that's true for anybody else, though.

Being unhappy drains you of energy, wouldn't you agree? So the thought of starting anything new can seem impossibly exhausting. (And being drained of energy also contributes to feelings of unhappiness - it's a bit of a vicious circle.)

As for when other people tell us what to do to feel better... this is not something I have to deal with too much since I try not to let other people know what I'm feeling, but I have a problem in general with people telling me what I ought to be doing; I get really defensive and annoyed. I can certainly see why you'd get angry with people trying to tell you what you should do to feel better.

[Stoda]

Kudos to you for being so open! I think it's perfectly natural to wallow in self-pitty a bit. It's not easy to try to improve yourself, it's easier to remain unhappy. And yes, I have times where I'm like this as well.

But in the long run, it's better for you to fight the good fight and try to improve yourself. To not stay down too long, to not let anyone or anything get the best of you. Prove everybody wrong, be better, get better.

[SpiritRunner]

I don't think that is such an unusual thing, trinity .... people seem to do/choose that a lot.
You are right .... sometimes it does feel easier to do just stay where you are, even if being unhappy/sad/angry, etc. isn't so comfortable. Changing, moving out of that place, is hard, it involves effort and emotional energy .... sometimes it's hard to believe you have that energy, sometimes it's hard to even be willing to make the effort to use the energy even if you do have it.
I don't know, but I wonder if at times it's more like just stopping a moment, resting where you are rather than choosing to stay stuck? I know sometimes when I have tried to climb out of my pit, I have just plain run of out of steam ..... so I stop trying so hard for a while ...... and after a while longer, I feel like I can try again.
I think it's normal to have times where you indulge in some self-pity even ... the thing is, whether you decide to live like that over the long term or you move yourself out of it.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by TrinityDancer

sometimes,although not very often,we will just stay wallowing in our own self-pity because the thought of actually pushing ourselves to motivate or do something to counter or alleviate the sadness,depression or unhappiness is too much of an effort. sometimes we get angry when others suggest,helpfully,that maybe doing such and such will help. sometimes we just prefer to stay stuck. and yet we usually end up asking ourselves-whats the payoff? will we get more attention-negative or otherwise? will we get more sympathy? more ego stroking? we are taking a chance and being totally open here so please,no attacking. thanks and looking forward to reading the replies♥

I don't know the answer TD, but I definitely do this sometimes. I don't think it's for sympathy or stroking though. Sometimes the weight is just too big and it is more than I can do. My T says when I am like this just to do one small thing. Sit on the porch in the sun for a few minutes. eat one healthy meal. etc. Something really really small that will make us feel less guilty for wallowing. When I look at all the crap I need to do to get better, I get worse. But sometimes (and only sometimes) if I do one little tiny thing it doesn't seem so hard after all.

My T harrasses me about this pretty frequently. When the depression really kicks in, my energy goes, my motivation goes, and it is really easy to get stuck in that helpless/hopeless state, stuck in self-pity. For me, I don't really think there is any pay-off particularly. I am just frozen in the depression; it's like being stuck in quicksand. That's when T will tell me to get off my butt and DO something. Anything. Walk, go to Barnes & Noble to read instead of sitting at home on the couch, go out with my husband or my kids. Get out and move. It is SO hard to get myself to do anything. He's right though.

[Onward2wards]

Hi Trinity, kudos for being open and asking these questions. (I love that new avatar, btw!)

I think self-doubts, fears and conflicting learned rules of what to do next are a big part of remaining stuck. As for self-pity, I think that's often an attempt at honest self-soothing coupled with fears of failing or being disappointed or hurt again. It probably includes some buried memories of being kicked when we are feeling down, which everyone experiences in some way at some point.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I am just frozen in the depression; it's like being stuck in quicksand.

perfect description

[Perna]

I have "rested" in the not trying places. Sometimes the frustration or need for/feeling of trudging on gets to one and stopping for a bit is not bad, I don't think.

[unaluna]

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...30#post2349130for me, I think it's because the voice - as luc e calls it in this thread, the negative introject - is stronger and louder than my T's positive voice, which BTW I am finally starting to be able to hear. but it required going no-contact. But now I am starting to hear a wise caring loving voice that LIKES for me to take care of myself and be a brave girl and will hug me and still contain me and love me when I do - not me all jealous and angry and depressed and spit out, "well YOU don't need me anymore, get out of here now!" quicksand IS a good description - because the more you move, the faster you sink. you have to stay perfectly still to survive - omg that is SO me (and also a scene from The Rifleman!). The schema article Perna pulled about limited re-parenting also applies here - kinda bad cop, good cop!

thanks so much everyone!!!!!all these answers are great and really give us a lot to think about and new ways to approach things. for us,sometimes we do get a payoff but it isnt always a conscious thing. sometimes we just need a break and beat ourselves up for needing it. we find that we beat ourselves up constantly and that isnt a good thing is it?

[granite1]

trin today i think healthy is hard and i dont want to do it at all , it is hard to eat healthy ,it is hard to think healthy thoughts.it is just hard so ya i get it totally.

[Sannah]

When I read this what came to my mind is what I do for my daughter and what my husband does for me. Sometimes we just need to be held when we are feeling like this so that we know that we are loved just the way we are. And the holding lets us know that we are not alone. I snuggle with my daughter when she has had a tough day. My husband holds me when I am in a tough place. This is what we really need when we are in this place IMO. We need to know that we are okay just the way we are and that we are not alone.

Originally Posted by Sannah

When I read this what came to my mind is what I do for my daughter and what my husband does for me. Sometimes we just need to be held when we are feeling like this so that we know that we are loved just the way we are. And the holding lets us know that we are not alone. I snuggle with my daughter when she has had a tough day. My husband holds me when I am in a tough place. This is what we really need when we are in this place IMO. We need to know that we are okay just the way we are and that we are not alone.

That sounds great, Sannah. I'm really glad you have that support.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Apteryx

That sounds great, Sannah. I'm really glad you have that support.

And this support did not just fall from the sky. I grew up with zero emotional support. I went looking for it, I built it into my life, and the most important thing - I allowed it into my life.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I went looking for it, I built it into my life, and the most important thing - I allowed it into my life.

important thought.

[critterlady]

I think many people would realize that they actually do have emotional support available to them if they allowed it in.

When I started therapy last fall, T asked me if I had a support network. I told him I didn't. Over the course of the next few months, he encouraged me to reach out to some of my (then) casual friends and connect. A few of them have become close friends and one is probably the closest friend I've ever had in my life. Turns out, they were holding back because I'd given them a "please stay back" vibe.

When I terminated with that T before he moved, I told him that I had been wrong when I answered his question. I told him that I did have people who were there for me, but I hadn't been there to let them.

[Stoda]

Originally Posted by TrinityDancer

we find that we beat ourselves up constantly and that isnt a good thing is it?

Constantly beating ourselves up, is not a good thing. Although it's something I often do myself. I'm learning with the help of t and a really really great guy , that it's okay to feel what we feel. We are allowed to have our feelings, we have a right to feel what we feel, and there are often good reasons for our feelings. I'm learning to explore my feelings, to understand and accept them. This is by no means easy, but it helps when you have some sort of support system.

Sorry I kinda got off topic there, but I think I'll still post it ... in case it helps someone else. Hang in there Trin!

[rainboots87]

Yes, I'm doing it right now as I curl up in bed instead of going to work. I also called T yesterday to say I want to quit. I'm moving in a month and a half anyway, and I've had problems with T attachment before, so I'm kind of just pushing her away now to avoid dealing with that. I know exactly what I'm doing, and I'm just so tired of all the effort therapy takes and making changes, etc. Therapy brings up so much that I'd rather have buried and ignore right now. Probably a bad idea, but eh.

Originally Posted by Stoda

Constantly beating ourselves up, is not a good thing. Although it's something I often do myself. I'm learning with the help of t and a really really great guy , that it's okay to feel what we feel. We are allowed to have our feelings, we have a right to feel what we feel, and there are often good reasons for our feelings. I'm learning to explore my feelings, to understand and accept them. This is by no means easy, but it helps when you have some sort of support system.

Sorry I kinda got off topic there, but I think I'll still post it ... in case it helps someone else. Hang in there Trin!

Good post, Stoda. Thanks for this. Let me try out a thought: if we accept that it's a good thing to explore negative feelings (I'm not convinced that it is, but let's assume so for the moment) we need to do it while we remember it, preferrably while we're still experiencing it. While we're unhappy we might not be willing to do what we need to get away from the feeling, just like TD wrote in the first post. When we're no longer unhappy we want to fix the unhappiness but then it's harder to explore the feeling.

And maybe that's one thing therapy is good for: accessing the negative feelings to make it possible to talk about them and get away from them, 1) in an environment where it's possible to do that and 2) with a person who is trained to help us access the bad stuff.

Does that make sense?

And, um, forgive me for writing this, but surely a RL support system can't be a prerequisite.

[elliemay]

I agree it is healthy to access and honor negative feelings, but only to a point.

It's more along the lines of "Okay, this hurts, I acknowledge the hurt and carry on anyway".

It's a huge mistake (I think) to succumb to the negative. It must not dominate.

It's a skill not to do so, and like any skill is requires self-discipline and much trial and error before mastery.

But, I really really do think it is worth it. I really doubt on their death beds anyone would say, "I really wish I had spent more time allowing negative emotions".

we wanted to say thank you to everyone who has posted replies so far. they are all so insightful and thought-provoking and we appreciate each and every one. they have actually helped us to move out of our self-pity mode today and for that we are very grateful. everyone is so unique and thats wonderful ♥♥♥

[Sannah]

Apteryx, I agree that working during the moment is very important. I went to a seminar once where the guy presented research which supported this. He explained that this is how the brain is rewired.

I also believe that exploring negative emotions is not wallowing in them. If they are ignored you won't get anywhere either.

[stopdog]

I believe there are times when it is more satisfying to curse the darkness than to light a candle. Sometimes you want the cursing. And then sometimes you just want the light.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I believe there are times when it is more satisfying to curse the darkness than to light a candle. Sometimes you want the cursing. And then sometimes you just want the light.

very well put!