[peaches100]

I need to talk. I feel really bad today. I feel incapable of healing.

I've been in t for 12 years. I've made alot of progress over time with less complex issues. But there are a couple of issues that i just can't seem to resolve. Every time we start getting too close, or too deep, into these issues in my sessions, i start having problems and can't cope. I don't seem to be able to handle much stress at all without getting anxious and forgetful. I get way overstimulated too easily by my emotions. I feel like my t is forever having to back off or slow down with me because i can't handle more. And I'm starting to wonder if i'm capable of healing these two issues.

Yesterday, i found myself cancelling my session because i just didn't feel capable of talking about what we've been working on lately. It's about how my SA affects me now. I'm a Christian and want so much to be clean in mind and body, but this is not clean. It makes me feel sick to talk about it. It makes me feel horrible about myself. My t wants me to understand this part of me and have compassion for it. But i feel the opposite. Yesterday, a couple of hours before my session, i got so anxious thinking about talking about it in my session that i felt sick to my stomach, and ended up canceling. I told my t I was sick, but i know it was my anxiety about my issues. This morning, i emailed her to tell her the truth about what happened and why i canceled. But i just feel like a failure.

One thing about me is that I NEVER cancel my sessions! I HATE missing a session and really struggle when my t goes away and i have to miss them. So it's a big deal that i felt bad enough yesterday to cancel.

I don't understand WHY this issue is bothering me so much. What i remember about my SA was not that bad, not bad enough for me to feel this afraid and reluctant to work on it. I don't remember all of it, but what i remember is not that horrible. However, the effects it has on me now feel pretty bad, and that is what i hate so much. And that is what i don't want to face or talk about.

If i truly can't handle it, isn't it best to just push it out of consciousness and not let myself dwell on it? Not try to look at it, understand it, and deal with it in therapy? Thinking or talking about it just seems to pull me down, make me anxious, and feel bad about myself.

I wonder if i should call therapy quits, accepting what i've accomplished, but acknowleding that in these couple of areas, i am just not capable of doing the work that would lead to healing?

Please help!

[healed84]

TRIGGER for Relgious content



I really have no wise words b/c seriously, I could written this word for
word. I have not been in T for as long as you, but I still haven't been able to come close to even skimming the surface of my RA.. I want to have hope for you and me both that there is healing. One thing that I know logically and maybe not interanlized yet, but when you are looking at this from a Christian stand point.. We are both "clean." Jesus's blood redeemed us and we are renewed, washed clean. However, the SA was not your fault and I gurantee you that Jesus does not look at you as dirty b/c of it. It was something that happend to you outside of your control... (((hugs again))))

[peaches100]

PS - Sometimes i wonder why it is taking me so long to heal. 12 years is a long time! My t is really knowledgable and very good, and the truth is that I've also worked very hard for a very long time in therapy. So why am i not better yet? And why i am so dang sensitive/fragile that i can't seem to handle the least bit of pressure?

I didn't use to be this way. But ever since i had my breakdown 12 years ago, i've never been the same. I can't "handle" much. Emotional stress makes me physically exhausted. When i get overstimulated or under too much stress, i have to literally go to bed and sleep just to get over it, to recuperate. Even when i am consciously trying to relax, i know that under the surface, my subconscious is going a mile a minute because i can feel it.

I am on meds, but they only help partway. I have GAD and PTSD, and it just feels like i can't tolerate the normal stresses of life.

I have alot of intense dreams too, and sweat profusely at night.

I am constantly hard on myself, and don't know how to relax.

I feel like a mess.

[taylor43]

((((((((Peaches)))))))))))) I have been in t for a very long time and no where healed from sa, and trauma. I would not give up, rome was not built in a day. Keep talking to your t. ((((((((Hugs))))))))))

[Sannah]

Push yourself to do what you need to do and have a plan for recuperation afterwards. You always feel better after crossing that mountain. It is much worse standing in front of it and feeling all of the distress over it. You are not made of glass. You will survive it.

[Butterflies Are Free]

I have felt frustrated and discouraged as well and I would like to be one of your "cheerleaders" who encourages you not to give up. I started therapy in 1992 for CSA issues as well as for my Bipolar Disorder. I have never been in a romantic relationship due to the fear and shame around my CSA. One thing I have done that might be helpful is this: I have drawn pictures and written about the progress I have made during these years. Although I still have work to do, I can see my growth and I hope you will be able to see the growth in your own life. Working through CSA takes GUTS and TENACITY and I think you are very brave/strong. I sometimes just pray that God will continue to guide my healing. It sounds like you have a wonderful T and you work very hard. Please don't give up!

[peaches100]

Hi healed84,

Thanks for the encouragement. I can agree that what happened as a kid probably wasn't my fault. But what bothers me, and what i feel awful about, is how it affects me now, when flashbacks, mental images, etc., come into my mind. Don't know how to prevent it other than block it all out. But i can't do that when my t wants to work on the SA issue with the part of me that has been affected by it. It just makes me feel so much shame.

[peaches100]

Hi Taylor43,

Thanks for the reminder about Rome! I get frustrated with myself pretty easily because i seem to be lacking in whatever quality it is that enables a person to tolerate stress. I guess i'm not resilient. I'm easily overwhelmed by my emotions and memories. I can't "handle" much at a time. I feel like we're always having to slow down in my sessions so that i can manage it without losing ground. But i guess that's the result when I've spent so many years blocking things out of awareness. Now, trying to be aware of things, without feeling overwhelmed and pushing them away, is very hard.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Push yourself to do what you need to do and have a plan for recuperation afterwards. You always feel better after crossing that mountain. It is much worse standing in front of it and feeling all of the distress over it. You are not made of glass. You will survive it.

Hi Sannah,

Thanks for the vote of confidence. But sometimes i DO feel like i'm made of glass. My parents never helped me learn how to deal with negative emotions, problems, disappointments, abuse, etc. growing up. Anything bad was just ignored. I got good at blocking things out. Now, it's really hard to pay attention to those issues that are painful!!

It's not a matter of my just not "wanting" to look at the issues, talk about them, and deal with them. It's very much a matter of honestly getting overwhelmed incredibly easily, to the point where i become unstable, anxious, or even confused. I don't know how to be a tougher person. I don't know how to tolerate more stimuli/pain without either shutting down or overreacting. I really don't. My t has worked with alot on coping skills. Maybe i need to practice them more. I don't know. But what other people seem able to handle relatively easily feels like "too much" for me. Almost like my nervous system is just plain shot.

It's frustrating to me, and to my t I'm sure.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Butterflies Are Free

I have felt frustrated and discouraged as well and I would like to be one of your "cheerleaders" who encourages you not to give up. I started therapy in 1992 for CSA issues as well as for my Bipolar Disorder. I have never been in a romantic relationship due to the fear and shame around my CSA. One thing I have done that might be helpful is this: I have drawn pictures and written about the progress I have made during these years. Although I still have work to do, I can see my growth and I hope you will be able to see the growth in your own life. Working through CSA takes GUTS and TENACITY and I think you are very brave/strong. I sometimes just pray that God will continue to guide my healing. It sounds like you have a wonderful T and you work very hard. Please don't give up!

Hi Butterfliesarefree,

What a kind post! Thanks for wanting to encourage me not to give up. It helps to know I'm not the only one who has been in t for several years. I want to encourage you too, as i know bipolar disorder can be very difficult to live with. My husband has rapid cycling bipolar disorder.

You had a good idea about writing and drawing about your progress. It's hard for me to see progress in myself, as i am always thinking about what I am NOT doing good enough! I'm not much of a drawer, but i like to write. Maybe i will list the ways i've improved, to remind myself that i am moving forward, even if very slowly.

I hope we both will hang in there until we reach a greater level of healing and can find more peace in our life.

[here today]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I feel incapable of healing.
. . .
Yesterday, i found myself cancelling my session because i just didn't feel capable of talking about what we've been working on lately. . . But i just feel like a failure.
. . .
I don't understand WHY this issue is bothering me so much. . . However, the effects it has on me now feel pretty bad, and that is what i hate so much. And that is what i don't want to face or talk about.

Just take it slow -- but take it. The shame can be lived through. Feeling incapable is just a feeling, and can change. I expect you know that, too.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by peaches100

PS - Sometimes i wonder why it is taking me so long to heal. 12 years is a long time! My t is really knowledgable and very good, and the truth is that I've also worked very hard for a very long time in therapy. So why am i not better yet? And why i am so dang sensitive/fragile that i can't seem to handle the least bit of pressure?

I didn't use to be this way. But ever since i had my breakdown 12 years ago, i've never been the same. I can't "handle" much. Emotional stress makes me physically exhausted. When i get overstimulated or under too much stress, i have to literally go to bed and sleep just to get over it, to recuperate. Even when i am consciously trying to relax, i know that under the surface, my subconscious is going a mile a minute because i can feel it.

I am on meds, but they only help partway. I have GAD and PTSD, and it just feels like i can't tolerate the normal stresses of life.

I have alot of intense dreams too, and sweat profusely at night.

I am constantly hard on myself, and don't know how to relax.

I feel like a mess.

Sometimes a post really really GETS to me, and yours is doing that now...not in a bad way because I really feel you on this one.

I put a HUGE amount of pressure on myself, most days. It is hard for me to just see life as a gift, and I have so much to feel grateful for but I so constantly tell myself that I should be making more progress given how much therapy I have had throughout my life.

I think...comparison is the basis of all misery. So for me that means that the comparison between where I am in the therapy journey and where I would like to be gets me REALLY wrapped out. And comparing myself with others, who seem to be on a smooth path, wrecks me too.

Some days I also feel like a mess.

Is this afternoon better than this morning? Was last evening worse? Can you chart this at all? One thing that helped me in a big way was Moodscope. It has given me a lot more perspective than I thought....

Hang in there. You are not incapable of healing...you've healed a lot already...probably heal even more!

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((( dear Peaches )))))))))))

don't quite BECAUSE it is hard. you have come so far in spite of such huge obstacles, over such a long road.

I encourage you as you would encourage me when I cry for help. You are committed to your healing, and you have healed a lot so far.

For the rest - just like what came before - it takes as long as it takes, no need to apologize or feel bad or look at the calendar. You ARE healing and you ARE doing well.
I wish you deep peace and rest tonight.

Peaches-I was where you are and I just wanted to tell you that there is hope. Your said your T works with you on coping strategies but I wonder if there is an element missing. Something missing from your tool box. Did you ever try DBT? It saved my life. Would it help if you had some sort of bridge between your sessions? Like a group or something? Maybe it would help lessen your anxiety if you knew that you had somewhere else to go in addition to it? I'm not sure just wanted to throw an idea out there. Try not to be hard on yourself that it's taking a long time. Everyone's process is different-there is no time limit. Hugs.