[Chopin99]

Trigger for religious session material (will mark religious part):

T confronted me on the email I sent Tuesday after session. She asked me why, if I felt that way, didn't I bring it up during session. She said she knew I was not happy when I left. I said that what really triggered me was at the end of session and I figured she had another client afterward. I told her that her sudden opposition to being seen as a mother figure was the problem. She said a therapist cannot be a mother figure; that she thinks no one person in anyone's life can be a true mother figure. She said older women could serve as "mentors" in a person's life, but that isn't a cure-all either.

She wondered if her opposition triggered me back to when I wanted to be friends with her. I told her it did not; that was 8 months ago. I said I saw her as a mother figure while in that room. I read the part in The Emotionally Absent Mother (TEAM) to her where a therapist is compared to a good mother. She said all those things are true...about therapists...not mothers. She said mothers are supposed to be much more for their children than any therapist can provide for a client within the bounds of a therapeutic relationship.

T then self-disclosed that her own mother was the coldest and most clinical caregiver she has ever known. She said that she loved some of her mother's friends better; they were demonstrative and loving. Her mother was neither. I asked her if the mother subject is a bit touchy for her. She said in a way, it was, but that she believes she is healed from that wound. She said that unfortunately, part of that healing is realizing that no one can make up for what our mothers didn't give us. Plus she said she had little recourse with her own mom be cause she died when T was 22.

She said that there are so many children who don't get what they need from their parents for a myriad of reasons. She disagrees with TEAM's perspective that a therapist or any other human being can completely heal someone from the emptiness of not having a good mother. She believes that while some healing can occur if another person temporarily fills in, it will not last. The emptiness will come back eventually.

Religious part:
T said that only God can heal us of that emptiness. She called it a God-shaped hole. Only he can fill it. No human can because humans are imperfect creatures and will hurt us in the long-term. She said even while being perfectly aware that God knows better about things than she does, she is very guilty of thinking that she knows better than God sometimes. The amazing thing is when our own plans and ways crumble; God is still there, waiting patiently, and will never say, "I told you so."

I said I wouldn't call her a mother figure. I said, "You're my T and you're a very good T." That embarrassed her; she put her head down, blushed a little, and said, "Thank you." I said, "You are good for me."

T reminded me of some things to do when I start feeling like I did after session Tuesday...not just related to therapy, but with all my relationships.
1. Journal and see if any cognitive distortions exist.
2. Ask the other person if my perceptions are correct using "I" messages and "feeling" statements; i.e. "You said this, and I feel like *this* in regards to it."

At the end of session, I tried to apologize to T for the email. She told me I didn't need to apologize...that I never needed to apologize...because she can take it. I said there was really only one part I wanted to apologize for; where I accused her of seeing me as "just a job". I said I knew that wasn't true. She said that was right, but that it was okay.

To wrap up; apparently "mother figure" is a triggering phrase for T. She was very good related to my thought patterns; she said that she was guilty of the same types of patterns. It wasn't a bad session.

I typed all this out and did not hit submit because I became really upset. I just sobbed for about 30 minutes. I feel a bit better now. I'm telling y'all, I've got to get this "darkness" out of me. Crying=healing in my opinion. T's too. It's all good.

[WikidPissah]

Chopin, you are really brave to be tackling this stuff. I am rooting for you. I don't believe T can be a mother figure either. 1-2 hours a week does not a mother make. It's a 24/7 position, no matter how old your children get. It's all in, a hundred fold, hundreds of emails and texts kind of job.

[roads]

I have to wonder, Chopin, if it doesn't frustrating for the two of you simply because you want to savor every little bit of the process while your T (probably most Ts) wants to move smoothly on to the subsequent course.
I'm sad there's so much upset for the two of you over The Mother ... I have a similar issue & read The Emotionally Absent Mother. Don't know whether I'll ever find resolve, the relatives who might have insight are all long gone.
I think of you often, pushing on in your journey ...
Roadie

[lostmyway21]

I disagree wih your T and I'm pretty sure my T would too. He knows I view him as a father figure and it was a very difficult session to tell him he was in that role. Now he made it clear that he can not BE my father and meet those needs. BUT he can be a positive parental (father) figure and teach me what that healthy relationship was supposed to look like. That way I can translate what I didnt have as a child into new relationships.

I don't think you are saying you want your T to BE your mother right? But I don't think there is any reason that she can't be a mother figure maybe I'm wrong idk.

[sconnie892]

Chopin,
I am glad you were able to work through this with your t.
And I agree. Crying often equals healing.

[granite1]

chopin thanks for sharing your session with us.i don't know how you go in there every time and deal with this stuff.i learn so much.thanks and it seems that you have a good T to help you get out all this darkness

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Roadie

I have to wonder, Chopin, if it doesn't frustrating for the two of you simply because you want to savor every little bit of the process while your T (probably most Ts) wants to move smoothly on to the subsequent course.

Hey Roadie...long time no talk!

I want to clarify...are you saying that T and I are frustrating each other because we're at cross-purposes? I'm trying to draw out the process and she wants to move on?

She and I had that conversation last week; that she is not telling me how fast or slow to go. I'm in charge.

[~EnlightenMe~]

(((Chopin)))),

You always seem to come out of these ruptures with awesome strength and insight! My thoughts are with you and I hope you continue to heal!

He good job Chpoin, way to pick up her being triggered by the mother thing...doesn't mean you can't think it though.

[CantExplain]

((Chopin))

I have redrafted this post many times.

I support you 100% but I also want to give you something that might actually be useful. Tricky. Here goes...

"Mother figure" is obviously an emotionally charged phrase for both of you. Are the words getting in the way of the reality?

If you write down a list of "things a mother should do", I think you will find that your T does in fact do a great many of them.

For the rest, there is no real option but to grieve. And that will be horrible. I cried for a week over this very issue, the longest and hardest grieving I ever did as an adult.

I wish I could spare you this pain.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

((Chopin))

I have redrafted this post many times.

I support you 100% but I also want to give you something that might actually be useful. Tricky. Here goes...

"Mother figure" is obviously an emotionally charged phrase for both of you. Are the words getting in the way of the reality?

If you write down a list of "things a mother should do", I think you will find that your T does in fact do a great many of them.

For the rest, there is no real option but to grieve. And that will be horrible. I cried for a week over this very issue, the longest and hardest grieving I ever did as an adult.

I wish I could spare you this pain.

I got just a taste of it tonight. Body-wracking sobs for 30 min. Realizing that no one on this earth can really fill the hole. However, I might just take your suggestion about that list.

[Hope-Full]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

For the rest, there is no real option but to grieve. And that will be horrible. I cried for a week over this very issue, the longest and hardest grieving I ever did as an adult.

I appreciate you posting Chopin, and I can very much relate to what you're realizing right now. It has been something I've been wishing for yet fighting at the same time, because as much as I wish T could be my mom and let me re-experience what I missed growing up, the hard realization that she can't has been painful. Can't Explain put it well.... cause this grief process is excruciatingly painful, but it's so much better than continuing the fantasy of T as Mom would have been. It's a lot healthier, too, to have T as T who can talk with me about what I wished my mom could have done, and can encourage me to give that to myself. And it's nice to have T as T who can then help me pick up the pieces when those attempts repeatedly fail. And I know that T will also be there to celebrate with me when they finally succeed. And actually, the hole CAN be filled. We just have to fill it ourselves.

Keep doing the work you're doing. It's hard and it sucks but it will be worth it in the end.

[unaluna]

wow. this session really reminded me of where me and my T go. I appreciate my T sharing some personal info cos sometime I feel like misunderstandings are HIS fault, not mine, just cos of the completely different way we were both raised. Your T's feelings about her mother, and what can or can't be changed, sound different from my T's, because, frankly, I don't know what my T would say! I mean, I know his mom died when he was elementary school, and he had a very caring stepmom.

anyway, I am just so glad you two got this out in the open. I think it is very important for you, and that this is part of what NEEDING to be friends with her, and having her recognize you as her equal, was intuitively about for you, from the beginning. no wonder you wanted to slap her. you effin told her so.

[stopdog]

I am glad it went well for you.

[healed84]

Good for you, Chopin.. You always face things straight on!!

[Sannah]

I believe that we can heal quite a bit concerning what we didn't get from our mothers. For me, I worked on 2 things that helped quite a bit. The first part is to complete any of the development that didn't occur like self worth, boundaries, learning how to express feelings, learning how to meet your needs, etc. All of these skills that you can acquire now will help YOU to take care of yourself. The other part is filling my life today with loving people. This fills the other hole. The biggest part of this is my husband. He is very, very good to me. Other people can love us and take care of us besides a mother. To get to this point I had to stop blocking love, though. We can do this after growing up in a dysfunctional family because we feel we don't deserve love or it scares us. You have to work through this.

[AngelWolf3]

glad to hear that healing is taking place! I am happy for you!

[Chopin99]

Thanks for everyone's replies. I am not in a good place today. I sent T the following email today. The first paragraph was about scheduling. The second paragraph:

I wrote the above part yesterday and saved it as a draft because I didn't want to bombard you with email. Today, it's hard for me to send this because I'm fighting ever wanting to come back again. It all feels like too much right now. I cannot write the distortions down, there are too many of them. I feel like a failure, that you would just rather me be gone, that it would make you happy never to have to see me again. Please help me. Please don't give up on me.

I called my boss and came clean with him that I am dealing with depression and felt on the verge of a panic attack this morning. He said he picked up on the depression earlier in the week and that's why he's been cutting me some slack. I'm so grateful for him.

I hope T replies. If she doesn't, I'm probably going to feel that the distortions are true, whether they are or not. I hope not, but I know my pattern.

[rainbow8]

(((((((((((Chopin)))))))))))))

I'm sorry you feel so bad. I know that your T isn't giving up on you and that she DOES want to see you, but you have to hear that from her, don't you?

You're grieving for what T can't give you, at least that's the way I understand. When I've felt that way I also wanted to give up. Life, even though it's good, seemed worthless to me. If T couldn't love me the way I wanted her to, then I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

Fortunately those feelings don't last. Like any grieving, they come and go but while you're in them, they feel like it will be forever.

I know it sounds trite, but you WILL come to realize that no matter what your T says about the terms and words you use, she does give you a lot of the nurturing you want and need. It's just not exactly the way you want it, but it CAN be good enough. You have a close relationship with your T; it's real and unique. You have to grieve the other before you can accept it, though.

If I'm off base with my thoughts, please know that I care about you a lot and hope you feel better soon!!

[unaluna]

what is "it" that she can't give you? she sees it as a God-shaped hole. That she sees it as unfillable, as only divinely fixable, says maybe she doesn't have a good enough answer for you? One thing I wonder and admire about my T is that how, faced with just about the worst tragedy a child can have, losing his mom, does he manage to be such a happy guy and give to others and be successful in many ways, even tho no, he's not perfect. but how has he kept going? with this insane joie de vivre that he exudes? yet he also sulks. but he is not defined by that hole, that loss, and he doesn't want his patients to be defined by their can'ts or don't haves or didn't haves. But by will and can and do - and love. That's who YOU are, choppin, and that's what you give your clients. that's why your T wanted to be friends with you - to get some of that off you, to learn that from you, to go from hole to whole, because that's what YOU have in you, what you already give to people. your H knows it.

I think we get our needs met in a "good enough" way in therapy. We having got "good enough" care are able to go on and continue to know what we need and in that action alone are able to then meet it. It's not knowing what we need that leaves us feeling as if our needs will go unmet.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I wrote the above part yesterday and saved it as a draft because I didn't want to bombard you with email. Today, it's hard for me to send this because I'm fighting ever wanting to come back again. It all feels like too much right now. I cannot write the distortions down, there are too many of them. I feel like a failure, that you would just rather me be gone, that it would make you happy never to have to see me again. Please help me. Please don't give up on me.

You are certainly not a failure.
I have always admired your courage and intelligence.
Plus you are fun and pretty!