I am happy to report I had a great session today . I have been having a hard time lately. I have been really falling apart between sessions because I haven't learned how to self soothe, something T has me working on this week. I'm so attached to him and when I don't hear from him right away I have been thinking the worst, and afraid of losing him. The more attached I feel the more I have been needing to check and make sure he's still there or feel connected, by calling, emailing, and texting.

T and I talked about how I didn't get the things that I needed as a child, so attaching to him has intensified those unmet needs. He may have said it differently. I am kind of still bursting right now. He said I talked more and seemed more comfortable which was my goal, I wasn't sure if I was at the time, but he's right I did feel more at ease and even got and expressed some frustration with him at one point, which must mean that I am feeling more comfortable.

Gosh I hope this isn't all over the place and makes little bit of sense. After my major freak out on Friday morning when I cried on the phone with him for almost and hour I asked for a transitional object. He said he would think about and we would talk in our session.

Then I couldn't reach him over the weekend because his phone is messed up and I was texting and I got really self destructive on Saturday. He contacted me on Monday and explained about his phone and I asked about it again and he said we would talk.

Well we talked about in our session I didn't think he would give me one. I had asked for a softie that smelled like him....hope you guys don't think that's creepy! Anyway he explained that when he was little he was fortunate enough to have those early physical needs met.

He explained that as we grow and mature our parents let go a little bit and the need is filled in a different way, and then our needs and the people who fill them for us as we grow continue to change until we are healthy adults. I hope I am getting this right. He said that those things stay with us and he thought about the ways in which they have stayed with him. He said for him he thinks they have stayed as voices that he will always have and can look back on for strength. It was really beautiful and touching the way he said it. I cry a lot so I was trying to not be such a baby today.

Anyway the transitional object he gave me was his voice! He said now you may hate this because it's not what you asked for...he couldn't have given me anything more perfect. I still don't know what to think. I always tell him that I just want to call him to hear his voice because I love it and now I have it with me right now and forever! It's the most incredible, thoughtful, and loving thing anyone has ever done for me. I can't even comprehend how much I love him. I'm pretty sure he loves me too !

Oh and I am giving myself extra credit for even having the ability to talk today. He was looking so incredibly sexy my head started to hurt from all the tension.

The best part about all of this was how much more grounded and present I was with my kids this evening. I was actually not freaking our or thinking about T obsessively like I normally do after session. I think the whole thing made me feel a little secure...? Idk. I do know that I was so tuned into my son he said he said he felt like his head was going to explode because he felt so happy enjoying our quality time so much!

[healed84]

Wow, sounds like a great session and I am so glad that your T could meet the need that you asked for.

Originally Posted by healed84

Wow, sounds like a great session and I am so glad that your T could meet the need that you asked for.

I am so used to not having my needs met, that I never really expected it. I'm still really blown away. It's probably going to take a week for this to sink in.

[Miswimmy1]

That's great! I am so happy for u

[Sannah]

Very good!

I am really having a lot of feelings about what my T has given me. We have talked about how I do try to let my H and others know what I need, but that I feel empty when I have to first ask and then get exactly what I want in exactly the way I asked for it.

It feels inauthentic when this happens. It feels like I am not important enough to whomever for them to see what I need and then spontaneously try to meet it. I do this for people. I try to anticipate what they need. What my T did, by not giving me exactly the thing I asked for, was show me that he really cared enough to consider this. He didn't want this to be empty for me. I would have been easy to just do exactly what I asked, but I can tell he took the time to really think about what it is I was really asking for and as a result the gesture is filled with meaning and love.

I have been really tempted to email him and explain this, but I have stopped to ask myself why. One reason is that I want him to feel good about it. I haven't because I feel like it would be regression to keep going back for more when I got what I needed. He doesn't have to fulfill ALL of my needs. I'm looking for feedback and insight, but I see that there are other places for me to get that. So here I am. I am seeing how I feel like I should be meeting ALL the needs of the people around me and in turn I have that expectation of them. That's not possible or realistic and I'm not sure yet why I feel so responsible for others.

All of the feelings I am having aren't positive. I cried this morning because I started thinking about how different my life may have been if I had gotten the things I needed as a child. My father completely rejected me while adoring my sister. I look at her and think she has accomplished much more than me and wonder if part of her being able to do that was because of what she got that I didn't. I'm jealous.

I have also been thinking about how I feel about my T. What was so attractive about him yesterday was how confident and sexy he seemed. He's VGL. Sigh, its distracting. He's calm and together and in control of how he feels. It was exciting, distracting, and made me feel like crap. Why? I think because seeing his confidence makes me more aware of my own lack of confidence and I feel jealous of him too. I want to feel like that. I realize that the more of his confidence I see the more fearful I become that I just can't measure up or ever be good enough for him. I have felt this way in intimate relationships with others. What is confusing is that I'm not sure how much of that is me being negative and feeling worthless because of what I didn't get from my father and how much is the affect of how some of those people abused me.

I guess what I have to do is let that go and just start from trying to see my value right now, instead of trying to assign well twenty percent was me and eighty percent was them...?

I also have shame for not getting those things that I needed as a child. I am afraid people can see it when they look at me. It's hard not to feel like I didn't get it because I wasn't worthy of it. when I was thinking about how lucky my T is for having received those things and I spent time thinking about it, I felt really inferior. I feel deficient in comparison to others.

There is a lot more. I think there was probably some emotional risk involved with what he did. Maybe not, I'm not sure why I think that. I'm starting to see how much he really does care. He has been really telling me that he does think about me when we are out of the room. He says that I challenge him in ways that others don't and make him really think and look at things and that makes me feel incredibly good and somewhat equal. I know he really cares because he carefully considers these things and how his actions are going to affect me. I know he cares because he wants to affect me in the most positive way he can. I feel different. I feel good not absolutely needing to go to him with all of this.

This is such a mixed bag right now.

Does any of this make sense to anyone else?

Psychicbaby, what you say makes SO much sense to me. I have a similar issue with seeing my T's confidence and caring as incredibly sexy, and that same sense that I will never be good enough for him (all while knowing that it doesn't really matter if I'm good enough for him because I will never GET him in that sense anyway, but caring desperately despite knowing that). You are doing a great job working through this. Valuing what he is able to give you while knowing that he cannot meet all your needs is a good and valuable thing.

I understand the shame also, both about not having people willing to meet your needs both in the past and the present. That feeling that if you were good enough or worthy, there would have been, would be people who adored you and just WANTED to meet your needs without you having to beg is incredibly familiar to me as well. You are doing great work in confronting it and addressing it.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Psychicbaby, what you say makes SO much sense to me. I have a similar issue with seeing my T's confidence and caring as incredibly sexy, and that same sense that I will never be good enough for him (all while knowing that it doesn't really matter if I'm good enough for him because I will never GET him in that sense anyway, but caring desperately despite knowing that). You are doing a great job working through this. Valuing what he is able to give you while knowing that he cannot meet all your needs is a good and valuable thing.

I understand the shame also, both about not having people willing to meet your needs both in the past and the present. That feeling that if you were good enough or worthy, there would have been, would be people who adored you and just WANTED to meet your needs without you having to beg is incredibly familiar to me as well. You are doing great work in confronting it and addressing it.

Thanks for this ((((((MKAC)))))! This is all a lot to take in and process. I want so desperately to get it "right". I am always questioning rather or not my feelings and insights are really real and if I am seeing things the way I want to or the way they really are.

While I am grateful that you understand this I am also sorry that you have felt that way too. I really appreciate knowing that i am not alone in having these complex and confusing emotions. It sucks to always question my worth and understand just exactly why it is I'm not getting the things I seem to really eagerly want to give.

As I write this I am suddenly hit with a need to look at what my motives are for being so eager to give and give and give.

This is getting pretty big now. I think I need to pace myself with this. I'm feeling like I need to figure it all right now even though I know that I don't. This is where I would normally start freaking out and sending email after email to T, but I think I'm going to try to soothe myself while my daughter naps and maybe come back to it when I feel more grounded.

Feel free to send message after message to me if it helps. I have to work, so I may not be able to respond to them all, but I KNOW that feeling of being in a marriage where your needs aren't met, are ignored or disparaged, and being half in love with your therapist (maybe more than half, depending on the day, lol).

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Feel free to send message after message to me if it helps. I have to work, so I may not be able to respond to them all, but I KNOW that feeling of being in a marriage where your needs aren't met, are ignored or disparaged, and being half in love with your therapist (maybe more than half, depending on the day, lol).

I may!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Psychicbaby323

I do this for people. I try to anticipate what they need. .. I am seeing how I feel like I should be meeting ALL the needs of the people around me and in turn I have that expectation of them. That's not possible or realistic and I'm not sure yet why I feel so responsible for others.

Did you grow up not getting your needs met but had to meet the needs of another family member all the time?

It is healthier for each person to meet their needs but they can get help and support from others.

Some dysfunctional relationships are set up, "I'll meet your needs and you meet mine" where no one meets their own needs.

Do you think that you can meet your own needs or does something stop you?

Did you grow up not getting your needs met but had to meet the needs of another family member all the time?

Yes Sannah. My childhood was full of violence and my mother was volatile and unpredictable to the extreme. I wasn't really allowed to be a child and took care of her at a very young age when I should have had her protecting and caring for me. My T has explained that this is part of the reason why I am so sensitive to the needs/emotions of others. I guess it just hasn't sunk in yet that this is the reason. I forget. Very perceptive of you.

It is healthier for each person to meet their needs but they can get help and support from others.

Some dysfunctional relationships are set up, "I'll meet your needs and you meet mine" where no one meets their own needs.

Do you think that you can meet your own needs or does something stop you?


I think I can learn to meet my own needs. I haven't known how to love and nurture myself. What has stopped me from doing that is a) not knowing how b) feeling that I don't deserve to have my needs met and c) getting, stuck in thinking like "well I do all this stuff for you and know what you need, what is wrong with me that I can't get it back?"

This afternoon has been difficult. I am seeing that I do really well on my own, but when H is around I struggle. He is really angry with me. I don't want to be angry with him anymore. I am ready to move on, but he keeps pushing my buttons. What really gets me going is the lack of consideration. He comes home and tells me what he's going to do and I have felt that I need to ask permission. I'm not going to do that anymore. The little things are driving me crazy.

Example...I was leaving to go pick up my son from school and he had our daughter in our room. I asked him to please not let her get into my stuff and get it all over the place....no response...H did you hear what I asked?...yes...ok well I am leaving and she's pulling everything out...(I put everything back)...please don't let her do that...she's playing no...(WTF?!?!)....(I relent because I don't want to be late)....well can you at least put it away if you're going to let her take it out?....no....(WTF?!?!)

I feel like exploding, but I don't want to give him the power to get me in that state. It's at these times that I miss my T so much! I miss his warmth and care and accepting love. He would never treat me this way, or anyone for that matter. I listened to his tape in the car though, I am more calm, and I think I will make it through the day without contact. I'm just going to focus on my kids and me. I don't have to fight with H.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Psychicbaby323

I think I can learn to meet my own needs. I haven't known how to love and nurture myself. What has stopped me from doing that is a) not knowing how b) feeling that I don't deserve to have my needs met and c) getting, stuck in thinking like "well I do all this stuff for you and know what you need, what is wrong with me that I can't get it back?"

This is good insight. I would say that identifying your needs is the first step.

Originally Posted by Psychicbaby323

when H is around I struggle. He is really angry with me. I don't want to be angry with him anymore. I am ready to move on, but he keeps pushing my buttons. What really gets me going is the lack of consideration.

Have you ever discussed with T the buttons he is pushing? I always look at this as areas to heal. I'm sorry that he isn't considerate. Do you think maybe that there is a cycle going on, he is inconsiderate, you explode, he retaliates by being inconsiderate?

Sorry for all the long posts, there is a lot happening right now.

Have you ever discussed with T the buttons he is pushing? I always look at this as areas to heal. I'm sorry that he isn't considerate. Do you think maybe that there is a cycle going on, he is inconsiderate, you explode, he retaliates by being inconsiderate?


There has definitely been a cycle of this in the marriage. I don't think T and I have talked about this specifically. I'm pretty confused as to what he thinks/sees with regard to the marriage either. I know he thinks that I can't see when people love me. This may be true, but I'm not sure if he means my H. He thinks my H loves me and that is he is hurt. I know my H is hurt and I feel bad about that. I'm not sure he has been loving me though.

I think he has in is own way, but I started thinking this past weekend that he may have been mentally abusing me for a long time. The r/s has been a major source of anxiety for me and he's done some pretty terrible things that he either denies ever happened or doesn't see anything wrong with. H's very critical of me and says insulting things. He feels superior to all women. I cannot heal things with him if he won't acknowledge he has hurt me so I have been emotionally done and just want to heal myself and move on with my life.

In my last session T explained that he wasn't trying to get me to work things out with H, but rather have me not make any rash decisions and try to work on the r/s I guess because we have to one due to kids.

Well tonight he said he wants a divorce too so it's over. I'm not sure how I feel. My first thought was that I hope I "got it." and by that I mean what I am supposed to learn because I don't want to have to repeat this. After that I'm not sure. I'm not panicking. I have thought of T and wish I had his perspective right now, but I'm not going to email or call because this is what I wanted.

I'm so calm and I wonder if this is the calm before a storm. I am a stay at home mom, I haven't worked in five years, and I am a full time student. I have no idea how I am going to support myself and children. I can't afford an attorney. I have backed myself into a corner with this and it's not T's job to find a way out for me. H asked me to think about what I want and how we are going to proceed over the weekend. He's going to the beach with our daughter and his family and my son is going to ex H's for the weekend.

I am going to be completely alone with this except for the dog all weekend and T has no idea what is going on. I also have no friends who aren't at least three states away and no family support either. It's just me. Alone. I think maybe this is what relief feels like.

So yeah...that was the calm before the storm. I'm still oddly calm, but the dark clouds are rolling in. Denied access to all financial accounts this morning. I don't have a "real" job, but I do work one day a week at a side job so at least I'll have that.

I have thought about T and have listened to him today, but haven't emailed or anything. I have the feeling of missing T and wanting him, but I'm not sure what it is I want from him. I feel afraid for what's to come, but so far it's not consuming me, not sure what my reactions, or rather lack of reactions mean.

I guess you mean you were denied access? Is your name not on the accounts? You need to see an attorney TODAY, because half of that money is YOURS and the attorney should be able to get ex parte orders for you for custody of the child and protect your ability to stay in the house. Call someone NOW. Seriously. RIGHT NOW.

right now. Like right this minute. In case you could not tell, I am not kidding about this. If he files first, he can get custody of your child and kick you out of the house. Call NOW.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I guess you mean you were denied access? Is your name not on the accounts? You need to see an attorney TODAY, because half of that money is YOURS and the attorney should be able to get ex parte orders for you for custody of the child and protect your ability to stay in the house. Call someone NOW. Seriously. RIGHT NOW.

No I am not on Amy of the accounts.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

right now. Like right this minute. In case you could not tell, I am not kidding about this. If he files first, he can get custody of your child and kick you out of the house. Call NOW.

How could he do that? But yeah I think you're right. I'm a little panicked now. I'm not sure where to begin. I know he will try to take custody that became very evident last night and I can see the maneuvers he's already made. I feel like such an idiot. I'm never calculating. I made a mental plan, but I am so childish I just never see these things until they knock me on my ***.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by Psychicbaby323

I'm not sure where to begin.

Listen to MKAC, she knows this stuff. Begin by calling a lawyer. You can do this.

Originally Posted by pbutton

Listen to MKAC, she knows this stuff. Begin by calling a lawyer. You can do this.

I agree...maybe pawn or sell your wedding ring to get a little cash for a retainer, but MKAC is a professional and she knows what she is talking about.

Thanks for the support. I don't know what luck I will have speaking to anyone with it being a holiday weekend. There are only a few lawyers who will consult with me for free and I have left several msgs so not sure what else I can do. I was referred to someone who helps with financial forensics and left him a msg too. I'm going to keep trying and see if I can find anyone else.

It really is staggering how stupid I am. I really thought we could do this without having to hurt one another. I have made myself an easy target. Going to try to fight, but damn I've already been outplayed and im completely outnumbered. I feel like David only with no sling.

I'm so ashamed to call or email my T. I don't even know what he would think of me. I'm trying so hard not to fall apart.

Find the money. Do not be limited to those attorneys with free consults. GET AN ATTORNEY TODAY. Seriously. I don't care if you have to pawn stuff or whatever, GET AN ATTORNEY TODAY. Go to a pawnshop with anything and everything of your husband's today. Get the money and find the best attorney you can. You can use a poverty affidavit for the filing fee if you have (depending on your state).

[Anne2.0]

You should qualify for free legal assistance at a legal aid office, or through a law school clinic. I work part time with a legal aid office that also supports a law school clinic for divorces and court orders of protection.

Call your college/university student services and ask for a referral to legal aid for a divorce, or look up legal aid for your area on the net, or if you are at a university with a law school, contact the law school (or look on the net) and see if they have clinics that handle divorce cases. Or PM me and I will hook you up.

Also, in some states, private attorneys have the ability to get their legal fees from the marital settlement and may take clients who do not have access to funds.

I am not saying that it's a bad idea to seek a private attorney through pawning your stuff, but you are the type of client that should qualify for free legal assistance, and I would say from my direct experience that it is quality lawyering, even if you don't pay for it.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

You should qualify for free legal assistance at a legal aid office, or through a law school clinic. I work part time with a legal aid office that also supports a law school clinic for divorces and court orders of protection.

Call your college/university student services and ask for a referral to legal aid for a divorce, or look up legal aid for your area on the net, or if you are at a university with a law school, contact the law school (or look on the net) and see if they have clinics that handle divorce cases. Or PM me and I will hook you up.

Also, in some states, private attorneys have the ability to get their legal fees from the marital settlement and may take clients who do not have access to funds.

I am not saying that it's a bad idea to seek a private attorney through pawning your stuff, but you are the type of client that should qualify for free legal assistance, and I would say from my direct experience that it is quality lawyering, even if you don't pay for it.

I really appreciate this Anne2.0, however I really took MKAC's advice to heart and took action on getting the best I could pay for. My experience has taught me that the disadvantage to people using legal aid is more than perceived, it's a reality that I have endured and do not wish to endure again. H is very well resourced and I have done what I need to do to procure a big gun so to speak.

Part of this, is me finally saying I deserve to really do all I can to stick up for myself. That is a first for me. I'm tired of being pushed around , esp since I have been so nice! I'm still anxious ans scared, but I am still moving.

I did call T today. He didn't answer so I didn't speak with him until this evening. I was happy to hear him say that I did a good job of responding appropriately to the situation in spite of my anxiety (paraphrasing). I had a very nice bath and feel like I can face this, even if I may need some help along the way.

I really appreciate everyone's support.