[Miswimmy1]

T

I am so incredibly pissed off at you. Your social life should have no influence on my therapy. But you've been "off". And now I know why. It's one thing to not be here because of a show. That's ok. But I can see your daughters facebook wall. And I know she's in town. That's why you have been off- responding late to my emails, dismissing me in texts. I am important too! I am in need! I feel like I'm losing you. And now I know why. Because I am. I will never be like your own child. Forget any of those fantasies. I won't ever be your favorite. But the visit is like a punch in the face. Not only am I reminded that I'm not, but you are too. You look at me and compare me to her.

I want to kick myself for being knowledgable. I want to hit myself for thinking that you could ever love me. I feel like it was all a joke. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to do anything. I want to go cry.

Miswimmy

[SilverGlitter]

I'm sorry miswimmy
I know you're angry at your T (and if that's how you feel, that's okay!) but everything you've told me shows that your T is one of the good ones, and is committed to helping you to feel better. Please don't forget all the positive things you've told me about her.

Maybe talk to her about how you're feeling when you next see her?

[rainbow8]

I understand! Unfortunately, way too well. It hurts when you realize that your T has a private life with a family and you're not part of it. It can make you angry and sad that your T is not your mother, that she has a "real" daughter to love. That's the harsh reality.

But your T also has you, and you have her. She has a special, unique relationship with you that has nothing to do with her daughter. She's not comparing you with her. You are special to her in a different way. Not in a less important way, either. T's have a lot of love to give. It's not "either her daughter or you".

I know it's hard to accept the reality and not the fantasy. You know I struggle with it and that's why I'm angry (at least it's one reason) with my T too. You're not alone.

Crying and being angry with your T makes sense. It's grief, like any other grief. I hope you can talk to your T about these feelings. She will help you with them.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by SilverGlitter

I'm sorry miswimmy
I know you're angry at your T (and if that's how you feel, that's okay!) but everything you've told me shows that your T is one of the good ones, and is committed to helping you to feel better. Please don't forget all the positive things you've told me about her.

Maybe talk to her about how you're feeling when you next see her?

I'm trying. She answered my email right now about wanting reassurance about another issue... Im still so angry I can't look at it

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I understand! Unfortunately, way too well. It hurts when you realize that your T has a private life with a family and you're not part of it. It can make you angry and sad that your T is not your mother, that she has a "real" daughter to love. That's the harsh reality.

But your T also has you, and you have her. She has a special, unique relationship with you that has nothing to do with her daughter. She's not comparing you with her. You are special to her in a different way. Not in a less important way, either. T's have a lot of love to give. It's not "either her daughter or you".

I know it's hard to accept the reality and not the fantasy. You know I struggle with it and that's why I'm angry (at least it's one reason) with my T too. You're not alone.

Crying and being angry with your T makes sense. It's grief, like any other grief. I hope you can talk to your T about these feelings. She will help you with them.

It wasn't a fantasy though for me... I truly got the impression that she really liked me. That was great! She is only one that I've let into my life since I met my bestie when I was 4. It took me almost a year to let her in (I finally got it last week). Only a week. I should have known that it wouldn't last... To great to be true. This is why I don't let others in- because all u get is hurt.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

T

I am so incredibly pissed off at you. Your social life should have no influence on my therapy. But you've been "off". And now I know why. It's one thing to not be here because of a show. That's ok. But I can see your daughters facebook wall. And I know she's in town. That's why you have been off- responding late to my emails, dismissing me in texts. I am important too! I am in need! I feel like I'm losing you. And now I know why. Because I am. I will never be like your own child. Forget any of those fantasies. I won't ever be your favorite. But the visit is like a punch in the face. Not only am I reminded that I'm not, but you are too. You look at me and compare me to her.

I want to kick myself for being knowledgable. I want to hit myself for thinking that you could ever love me. I feel like it was all a joke. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to do anything. I want to go cry.

Miswimmy

((Wimmy))

It's true. You'll never be family. Outside of session you really have no claim on your therapist.

But within that session, you should have her attention 100%.
Within that session, you should be the first, last and only person in her world.

It's a brutal lesson in taking turns, and it's very difficult to accept.
Crying is a sensible response.

Good luck and take care.

Your T hasn't done anything to you, and she doesn't care any less about you. She is healthy enough to have a daughter and that relationship without it negating her care for her clients. You said it feels like a punch in the face. Stop punching yourself in the face. Your T isn't the one doing the punching. Stop comparing yourself to her daughter. Don't do that to yourself.

[WikidPissah]

First off...stay away from T's daughter's FB page. You have no right to that.

I am really sorry it hurts you so badly, but T's are professionals that we have hired, not our besties or our parents. It can't ever be a bf relationship. Seriously, I get that it hurts tremendously, but this is something you really need to work thru with T. It doesn't mean that your T doesn't care about you, I have people that I care tremendously about, but my children would still come first. I hope that you find a relationship that you are absolutely number one with, you deserve that.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

First off...stay away from T's daughter's FB page. You have no right to that.

She went to the same school... I stumbled upon it in accident.

[WikidPissah]

I get it. But try to stay clear of it now, ok? It is just going to trigger the hell out of you.

[wotchermuggle]

Anger really sucks. So does feeling as though you're not important. You are important.

BUT.....

Why on earth are you checking your this girl's Facebook account? It sort of feels like quasi stalking. Just my opinion though....I could never imagine crossing that type of boundary.

Our therapists are people too, and they need their own time and relationships.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I get it. But try to stay clear of it now, ok? It is just going to trigger the hell out of you.

ya i got it... sigh

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Anger really sucks. So does feeling as though you're not important. You are important.

BUT.....

Why on earth are you checking your this girl's Facebook account? It sort of feels like quasi stalking. Just my opinion though....I could never imagine crossing that type of boundary.

Our therapists are people too, and they need their own time and relationships.

I already wrote that it was an accident. I wasn't trying

[~EnlightenMe~]

Mis,
I hope things get better for you. I hope that you tell your therapist everything instead of pretending like nothing is wrong like I did. Although she will probably not be happy, hopefully, she will help you figure out what is going on with you.

[autotelica]

It's okay to have feelings. But you have to constantly talk to yourself when your feelings are as intense as they are for you.

You say that your therapist compares her daughter to you. How do you know this? Has she ever told you? If she hasn't, then I would stop with the mind-reading and focus on what you can know. Even if she is comparing you to her daughter, you don't know how. Maybe her daughter is a spoiled princess-type, and she prefers your personality style. Maybe she wishes her daughter had some of your traits. Or not. You don't know what's going on in her head. It doesn't matter in the end, as long as she does right by you.

You say she's changed. How do you know this? How long have you been with her? I have the feeling that your relationship is fairly new. Maybe she normally takes a while to get back to patient's emails/texts. Maybe her initial behavior of instantly responding was unusual for her. Consider that this may be the "new" normal--the bar at which you should set your expectation level to. And expect that to change as you get better. Therapy is about change.

You see your therapist 3X a week, if I remember correctly. This may be making you extra sensitive to the vagaries of your therapist's behavior. I know that my therapist is much more on the ball when I see her in the afternoon than in the morning. Once I had an appointment with her right after she'd swam laps at the pool. Just seeing her with wet hair made her seem different to me. My appointment is usually on Monday, but I've occasionally worked with her later in the week. She's like a totally different person, and sometimes I feel like I have to re-introduce myself. Her mood also seems dependent on how I'm feeling and what we end of talking about. Sometimes she's more distant and self-absorbed, and sometimes we are perfectly attuned. When I have a not-so-great session, I know I can count on the next one being fabulous. As you go through this, you get used to things not always being the same.

Feelings are neither right or wrong, but the underlying thoughts behind them can be. If you can't address the thoughts that are driving you mad, you are going to be cruising for a bruising. You realize your therapist isn't supposed to be at your beck and call all the time, right? That's what residential/in-patient care is for.

[Miswimmy1]

Thanks... That really gave me another view. Thank you... all of your assumptions are correct- I see her 3x a week, and we have been working for a little less than a year.

Your r right that I have a lot of strong emotions that I don't know how to deal with. That's why I'm in therapy (or one of the reasons). I got off track: she had been in constant contact with me the last few weeks (I went back to school and the transition was rough). I loved it: I felt like everything I had wanted, I was getting. But I could tell when something wasnt the same. And I called her out on it (she said I could in othr times I've felt that way) and there is always a reason behind it. But she wasnt telling me. And I feel like the shock of realizing it on my own was why it was so much more hurtful.

I sent an email. And so I am praying that she won't ice me out.

[WePow]

It is difficult to open our hearts and trust others.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by WePow

It is difficult to open our hearts and trust others.

I know. it feels like such a backwards movement,all of this. We had literally just gotten through my trust issues, I was letting her hug me, etc. And now I feel like all my walls are up again. I don't want to cut her out, but that is my instinct.

[Bill3]

And I called her out on it (she said I could in othr times I've felt that way) and there is always a reason behind it. But she wasnt telling me. And I feel like the shock of realizing it on my own was why it was so much more hurtful.

Do you think that she should tell you when her daughter is in town?

[Fixated]

People are being hard on you for the FB thing, but don't beat yourself up over it. It sounds like you already know it's not the healthiest thing, but a lot of people do it (including me). It corresponds with a phase in therapy, and I know it can be so hard to fight the urge to look. I mean with me it was as intense as fighting the urge to si or something.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

it feels like such a backwards movement,all of this. We had literally just gotten through my trust issues, I was letting her hug me, etc. And now I feel like all my walls are up again. I don't want to cut her out, but that is my instinct.

Learning how to trust is a journey. This is part of it. You will get there!

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Do you think that she should tell you when her daughter is in town?

No, but if her demeanor is going to change, then I want an explanation.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

No, but if her demeanor is going to change, then I want an explanation.

If you detect a change in her demeanor and it bothers you, then ask her why her demeanor's changed. I don't think your T should have to tell her clients when her daughter is in town.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by critterlady

If you detect a change in her demeanor and it bothers you, then ask her why her demeanor's changed. I don't think your T should have to tell her clients when her daughter is in town.

I'm not saying she has to. But she gave no answer... When I brought it up. So it hurt to find out

[geez]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

It wasn't a fantasy though for me... I truly got the impression that she really liked me. That was great! She is only one that I've let into my life since I met my bestie when I was 4. It took me almost a year to let her in (I finally got it last week). Only a week. I should have known that it wouldn't last... To great to be true. This is why I don't let others in- because all u get is hurt.

It's not a fantasy for you and while I don't know your T I would bet that she really does like you and that is not a fantasy either. The fact that she has a daughter doesn't mean that she isn't connected to you in some way.

I am a mom and I LOVE my boys with all my being. I will never stop loving them however does that mean I can't love other people outside of my family? NO! And the love I have for other people in my life IS DIFFERENT because those relationships aren't a mother/son/daughter relationship - in some ways I find those relationships outside my family to be fulfilling in very different ways that help me grow as a person and I BELIEVE that I have an influence on them even though I may not be a blood relative.

Having said all that I know how badly it hurts. What's hurting is the little girl inside that wants to be loved like she should have from the beginning and how she deserved to be. I am a 'grown up' on the outside but the little girl is still inside screaming, hiding, scared, crying and hurt so it's natural for me to want my T to be that mom I've always wanted (for lack of a better description). The little girl in me wants/ed my T to be my everything. Now I am in a 'better place' and feel less needy however I still have an attachment to my T and that's ok. I respect the boundaries while at the same time loving and appreciating her for all that she has done to help me.

It's only natural to scrutinize every little action of our T's when we've been let down so many times before from other people who should have loved us the way we deserved to be. Having said that there are some T's out there who can come across as being less than sensitive but I don't think that's the case with your T (just my 2 cents worth).

I hope you don't find my post offensive or 'strong' in nature but just know I'm coming for a good place in my message and please explore all that your feeling about T to T. love::

PS a great link on attachment: http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/at...tionship/:hug: