Bad session :(

So you crossed a boundary. You knew you were getting carried away and you knew there would be a consequence (or at least I hope you did). So now you will have a Very Special Session and things can start a-fresh. Your therapist has been doing this with you for awhile. He can do it again.

You just have to keep moving forward and try to learn from everything. Don't beat yourself up because that's unproductive.

I don't know how to tell T this is what I feel happens when this comes up. I don't know if it would even matter.

I hope Thursday will be better.

I'm so confused by our relationship and if I should be attached or not. If I'm wrong for the way I feel towards him. I don't understand any of this any more.

Very few people understand, at least that I've experienced. I know that what I'm explaining is a fact, I'm not sure if my words are correct. When the attachment system is activated, it is like a massive driving force to secure a possible abandoning authority figure. It's not a choice, it's not intellectual.
WHen people tell you that you made a mistake, knowingly crossed a boundary, and will now reap the rewards for doing so, that is probably true. BUT that explanation is intellectual and I don't know about you, but it doesn't fit me.
I think that activated attachment system, that makes one feel compelled to be secure at all costs, maybe once worked well but it now isn't inline with today's society. It's a survival reaction that no longer works to secure an attachment figure, but it rather ensures that the attachment figure leaves.
You can tell your T, but if he is like mine, he will think you are just avoiding separation, and I think that is sad. Notice that you couldn't tolerate this feeling/fear and dissociated into another state.
I believe that when the attachment system is activated, that it engages state-dependent memory. Or, in other words, I think it brings up the past that we can't remember but that we are reliving when the system is revved up. In order to quell this system, trust has to be regained.
Nobody on Earth will ever be able to tell me that I was just dependent, needy, etc. and that I was just being borderline by being intrusive. What I explained above is absolutely true for me. The last four months of termination I was in this state and I tried desperately to control what I was compelled to do.
I am so angry that I was minimized to someone who is just dependent and doesn't want to do work in therapy. ******** on that. Not true, I don't care how many Ph.D's tell me who I am, I KNOW what is going on inside of me but apparently nobody else does.

Here is an interesting thing for you to try to quell your activated attachment system. I suspect you continue to feel compelled to make sure everything is okay with your T. I know he is throwing up boundaries that you are compulsively crossing, not realizing that he has started this and should have consulted you every step of the way and taken things slowly. Anyway, try imagining yourself texting your T how you feel. Then imagine your T getting your message, then pan out and imagine that you now see that your T is at a funeral of his mother/father. If you feel shame, just notice the shame, don't attach any intellectual negatives to it, and let it sit or let it slip away if it will. Allow your empathy to come through and be able to feel for your T's situation. I use this situation because my parents passed a way years ago, but I know what it was like and it was the best way to find my empathy. If you have another really sad/horrific story in which to place your T that would help you feel empathy for him, do so.
This worked for me, and empathy seemed to circumvent the attachment alarm. I was able to have empathy for my T and it took away the compulsiveness part of it. Why? I have absolutely NO idea. I know I don't feel empathy when the attachment alarm is going off. Maybe in the state and ptsd trip to the past, we hadn't developed empathy so we kept trying to get our needs met to no avail. I don't know. Try it and see if it works. Let me know, okay?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Every part of me wants to keep trying to make sure everything is okay with T. I've sent him like 5 texts asking him if things were okay earlier. I stopped but I still want to. I still feel insecure, and scared about our relationship.

Until he puts my mind at ease that our relationship is still safe. I can't calm down.

Do you have sleep meds.? Can you take them and go to sleep?

No and I can't take Ativan until after Friday. Which T knows I've been off of.

I'm not sure I'm following you here.

The therapist has every right to want to uphold his boundaries. And I think Lost did know she was breaking a rule by texting him so much, but in her panic she believed that getting the reassurance would be worth the consequence. Therapist has every right to hold her to the consequence, whatever it is going to be. Just because he understands where she's coming from doesn't mean he has to give in. The therapist knows the desire for reassurance is coming from an unhealthy place--one that is always hungry. Constantly feeding it is not the answer.

I'm not sure what the therapist could have done to make this better for Lost. It's obvious he tripped a land mind, but it sounds like he's doing the best he can.

Sorry. I wish I had a good suggestion. One day, therapists will understand people like us better, but who knows when that will be. Keep posting

Yup he has every right. And if he didn't I would still be going. I'm not sure what I need right now. It was just a really bad land mine that I don't know how to fix.

I think the therapist can understand & still set boundaries. Just because something hurts doesn't mean it's the wrong thing for the therapist to do. They're not here to fill bottomless holes of need, their job is to help point out ways to correct the unhealthy desires.

I don't know what to do.

I agree with this.

Even though it makes perfect sense - and as much as understanding is important - it's also important that Ts help model healthy boundaries.

I have needed reassurance from my T in the past....and the last time I asked him for reassurance, he told me that he has already given me that before and that I need to remember it and not continue to ask for what I already know. I have not asked since. He is teaching me to hang onto what I know.

When I've addressed my attachment/abandonment fears with T, he has told me that I'm not always going to feel this way and talked about 'the end' of therapy. How I feel about that is mine to own and how I react to it is also mine to own. Putting ownership for how T addressed the topic on him does not take away the ownership that I have for my own feelings and reaction.

Lack of respect for boundaries has consequences, in real life and in therapy. And typically, the boundaries become more firm which can be even more painful to bear, for one who struggles with self-control.

Lost, being out of control with your texting to T...knowing how your T would feel about that...and then condemning yourself for it and assuming that your T hates you, etc....is a vicious pattern - one that is worth doing something differently...because this approach is only harming you and possibly even your relationship with T.

I cant hold these feelings in. I can't take my emotions right now..

Have you worked on applying some healthy skills? Like, exercising (this is a biggie)...going out and doing something fun, taking a bubble bath and immersing yourself in a good book?

My T has told me that one of the most important things is to get a game plan together for when I am overrun by intense feelings and anxiety....to help expel that extra energy. Exercising is one aspect. Talking to a friend (or even posting on PC) is another. And, try to put it in perspective is another...

I came up with a plan for tomorrow to keep me busy. Idk about tonight. T just didn't get it...I'm not stable. It's to late to bother him now.

I'm not saying the therapist has no right to boundaries, but really, look at everything he brought up during the session. All at once, really? And he expects her to not completely lose it? Does the patient not have a right to be safe, and not to be triggered in such a massive way to make it a traumatic experience? "Just because it hurts" -- It does more than hurt, it threatens to destroy whatever ego one has. There is a difference between being scared and scarred, and I think this therapist crossed the line. He has an obligation to do no harm, and I don'tt see what lost in going through as healthy stress. It would have been a different matter if he hadn't pushed all of her buttons, but he did. He has a responsibility there to 'get' what spot he has put his patient in. It leaves one feeling like, geez, I am so compelled, I HAVE to know if things are okay, it becomes and obsession, caused by everything her t herapist brought up. He should at least have the common decency to help her through it instead of shaming her for not being able to contain what he activated. If you activate this system, and you care about your patient, why wouldn't you want to teach her how do deal with it instead of leaving her on her own"? I don't get it. I really don't. I guess this is my problem.

I guess I am confused. What do you think he should have done for her? She has posted in the past that he's discussed this pattern with her & given her ideas how to break it.

I wonder how much of your feedback is based on your own experiences, that you are hoping Lost's T will handle differently than your T did. It does come off, to me, as a bit biased.

I'd imagine that no time would be a good time for Lost to hear what he needed to say.

I know he would never hurt me. He cares about me very much. It's ridiculously obvious...he only tried to tell me this today because he cares about my future and my independence.

Unfortunately it was the worst land mine, or trigger, he could have hit on. I can't handle it yet. Im not stable, or secure enough to tolerate the thought of it without panicking. We will have to learn from this.

I'm on the edge of crisis right now. I know he didn't intentionally do this. But it happened and I need to try and cope, because its to late to get in touch with him.

I'm wondering what you hope will be learned from all of this....Is it that you're hoping T will learn that the topic is off limits? Or perhaps learn that you can talk about difficult things with some trust and security in the relationship - and without it turning into something catastrophic? Although making the topic off limits would certainly be easier - and it may very well be what you need to get by for now - it would be a great success to work towards the latter.

I'm not ready. When were on our walks and he starts talking about it...this is what happens.

I look down, I don't see anything that is around us anymore. I keep walking next to him on auto pilot. I know he's talking and I'm listening, but I'm not hearing what he's saying at all anymore. His sentences lose there meanings because the only thing I hear is all the negatives that I've been pulling out of the conversation. Now I feel like the world around me has fallen to pieces. My heart feels like it literately has stopped, and I just can't say anything anymore, the words won't come. I don't feel like I have a say because I know it won't make a difference...I will eventually lose him anyway, just like I lost everyone else. I look up at him, and he asks me if I agree with what he just said and I say yes, but I don't really know what I'm agreeing too anymore...because I have been lost in my distorted thoughts for the last 10 minutes. I've gotten to the point where I don't care about anyone or anything, and nothing he says is going to even make a difference. I'm so deeply depressed that I just want to stop walking and dissapear of the planet right then and there. I'm lost in my head and he can't get me out. I'm so shutdown, the rest of the session is a total waste. I look up at T and he is frustrated...again.

That's what happens. Every time.

Do you realize that this is a way of attempting to manipulate your T into doing what you want?

I understand that it is painful. Putting the whole "someday I won't be here" part aside, he is telling you that he doesn't want to walk on eggshells around you, or get backlash from you when he doesn't respond to your texts, etc. He is trying to help build a healthier relationship - and you are rejecting it and trying to force him to be what and where you want him to be.

I understand that your the client and he's the T....but he is in a no-win situation here.

It sounds like you thought through it really clearly. Even if it's still a pattern that keeps happening so far, since you understand it so well, maybe it will start changing it little by little. Maybe next time you'll be able to try to hear the positive a little bit.