Welcome to couch # 18

Oct 02, 2012, 03:10 PM

((((ttgb))))

Oct 02, 2012, 03:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Apteryx

I'm sorry everybody seems to have had hard sessions today.

I'm sorry I can't be very supportive, but I do keep you all in my thoughts.

I had a bad session. Not terrible, but it made me feel bad about myself. I like this T, and I trust him, and today he told me that he's not going to fire me (though I'm not sure he understood what I was actually worried about - he talked about the county medical system which finances my therapy, and how he doesn't have to stop after any particular number of sessions, and how he is willing to see me for several years if that's what it takes... but I was worried about him firing me because of my behaviour, not because of financial matters. Though it was very reassuring to hear that.) I just feel more and more shaken up, and more and more broken. I'm not sure I will be able to handle the pain that comes from confronting the issues that come up. And I'm starting to feel the language desert me. I just don't know if I will be able to do this. And I am still not convinced that he won't desert me. And I am worried that he doesn't trust that I'm telling him the truth. Which I am. Which is hard for me to do.

Damn. It.

Don't think about the pain, one session at a time. He said you could work at a snails pace....years in fact Don't beat yourself up. If your behavior even remotely warranted termination, believe me T would have said that...instead he went straight to finances proving this is a skewed thought on your part. Go slow, this isn't a race.... it takes water a long time to erode river beds into the hard surface of a mountain....slow and steady my dear.

Oct 02, 2012, 03:14 PM

TTGB talk to us.

CantExplain · 03:29 PM

I had a dream about Lola.

She had been put in charge of a nuclear power plant, and decided the old way was boring. "I'm going to put the excitement back into nuclear power," she said.

CantExplain · Oct 02, 2012, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Yes. I am not much into leading, but I am not a good follower either.

I used to be like that. I was unmanageable. And yet I never actually got fired.

Oct 02, 2012, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I had a dream about Lola.

She had been put in charge of a nuclear power plant, and decided the old was was boring. "I'm going to put the excitement back into nuclear power," she said.

Hence my countdown in MY sleep last night 10, 9, 8, ....LOL

What was I wearing? Did I have an accent? LOL

Oct 02, 2012, 03:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am a giant control freak. Not so much about controlling others - not my problem. But feeling out of control is alarmingly distressing to me.

I can relate to this. I don't much like being drunk, for that reason.

CantExplain · Oct 02, 2012, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Oh God, what's wrong with me?

((Chopin))

Since you ask...

SPECULATION:

You've been running on adrenaline for several days over your huge pile of paperwork. That's gone now. You are in a post-panic collapse.

I often used to get sick after meeting a deadline.

SallyBrown · Oct 02, 2012, 03:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TryinToGetBy

Aw... TTGB.... sounds like you could really use a wood rice

granite1 · Oct 02, 2012, 03:23 PM

why is my friend so pissed off at me god this sucks i just read on her FB that she hurt her leg and can't walk i called and asked if she needed any help and she said no she was fine and didn't seem to want to talk a hole 5 min talk .screw this world it just sucks why am i trying so damn hard to coexsist in it why does anyone ,drink time

CantExplain · Oct 02, 2012, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TryinToGetBy

I should have never went today. I opened up now I have to sit with this for 2 weeks. What's the point of therapy. She can't "fix" me. I'm not deserving of it anyway. I hate myself. I want to be someone else.

((Trying))

Oct 02, 2012, 03:25 PM

Granite, you may have to let her go. Believe me i have a very hard time with this too, but sometimes all you can do is what you can do...say your sorry and the ball is in her court, you cant make people want to be your friends, even if they were once.

Easy on the drinks killer....and put away the cellphone.

CantExplain · Oct 02, 2012, 03:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

You can add intimacy as another word I hate

What happened?

CantExplain · Oct 02, 2012, 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Hence my countdown in MY sleep last night 10, 9, 8, ....LOL

What was I wearing? Did I have an accent? LOL

You were wearing overalls. You were personally washing out some vats while you were telling me this.

I don't recall your accent. It wasn't until I woke up that I realised it was you.

Oct 02, 2012, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

You were wearing overalls. You were personally washing out some vats while you were telling me this.

That's me , hands on and not to frilly in the clothes department.

Oct 02, 2012, 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Don't think about the pain, one session at a time. He said you could work at a snails pace....years in fact Don't beat yourself up. If your behavior even remotely warranted termination, believe me T would have said that...instead he went straight to finances proving this is a skewed thought on your part. Go slow, this isn't a race.... it takes water a long time to erode river beds into the hard surface of a mountain....slow and steady my dear.

I know I shouldn't think about the pain. I should do something to distract me. It's just that I haven't slept properly for too many nights in a row, and I've had a very heavy working day after T... and I'm in some physical pain, too. I'm just exhausted. It will pass.

If I could trust him completely when he says I have years, it would be easier.

Oct 02, 2012, 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Apteryx

If I could trust him completely when he says I have years, it would be easier.

You have no reason NOT to trust HIM, extend him that courtesy until he screws it up.

Get some rest... be kind to you...get in that Jacuzzi and have a soak.

*** text him and remind him he said years...LOL

Oct 02, 2012, 03:43 PM

That was very, very helpful, Lola. Thank you.

(except for the jacuzzi part. Hmph

. It takes 45 minutes for the sauna to heat up, and I can't wait for that - I'll just go to bed.)

healed84 · Oct 02, 2012, 03:46 PM

I don't like that alot of my couch friends are "hurting" right now.. I was I had words of wisdom, I don't. However, I am here if you(anybody) need a listening ear (or really a reading eye

)

Oct 02, 2012, 03:51 PM

Forgive me for rambling a little more... One thing I don't like, which makes me feel bad about myself in T, is the way I feel like a child - not because of T talking down at me or anything, but because i overreact and don't have enough control of my emotions, and because I get anxious and afraid all the time. Maybe it doesn't matter that I do that. But I don't like it, it makes me worry that T will despise me for not being an adult.

Chopin99 · Oct 02, 2012, 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

((Chopin))

Since you ask...

SPECULATION:

You've been running on adrenaline for several days over your huge pile of paperwork. That's gone now. You are in a post-panic collapse.

I often used to get sick after meeting a deadline.

Maybe. I've got new projects now, though.

healed84 · Oct 02, 2012, 04:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Apteryx

Forgive me for rambling a little more... One thing I don't like, which makes me feel bad about myself in T, is the way I feel like a child - not because of T talking down at me or anything, but because i overreact and don't have enough control of my emotions, and because I get anxious and afraid all the time. Maybe it doesn't matter that I do that. But I don't like it, it makes me worry that T will despise me for not being an adult.

I feel that way a lot.. I think Ts do too.. A lot of us don't know how to process our emotions and sometimes Ts have to help us. I hightly doubt he is thinking that you need to grow up. (((hugs))

SallyBrown · Oct 02, 2012, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Apteryx

Forgive me for rambling a little more... One thing I don't like, which makes me feel bad about myself in T, is the way I feel like a child - not because of T talking down at me or anything, but because i overreact and don't have enough control of my emotions, and because I get anxious and afraid all the time. Maybe it doesn't matter that I do that. But I don't like it, it makes me worry that T will despise me for not being an adult.

I definitely feel that. It would be so upsetting that he would see how I am in my head, which I had worked so hard to box up and keep away from the world. I'd be so ashamed of how much I would freak out about some things and not be able to let things go, or just blow up... I was always sure it would cause T to get sick of me.

But my T always used to kind of get excited when I would actually show anger. I would do my thing of starting to raise my voice just a little, then check myself and fall silent. He would say, "Keep going, keep going..." The truth is the more bare emotion your T gets the see, the better he knows you. By allowing him to see you in that way, you're giving him the gift of knowing the real you, instead of shutting him out. And it is a gift and a privilege, and I think it's more than likely that your T sees it that way.

SallyBrown · Oct 02, 2012, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Maybe. I've got new projects now, though.

Could also be that depression just really blows.

Oct 02, 2012, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Apteryx

Forgive me for rambling a little more... One thing I don't like, which makes me feel bad about myself in T, is the way I feel like a child - not because of T talking down at me or anything, but because i overreact and don't have enough control of my emotions, and because I get anxious and afraid all the time. Maybe it doesn't matter that I do that. But I don't like it, it makes me worry that T will despise me for not being an adult.

Mine actually told me today he wished the younger me would show up. He wants me to remove the adult mask and let the messy out. So I'm thinking what you are doing is correct. The answers to our problems lie in those emotions, what brings them about and those are what we need to investigate. Your doing great APT, he has given you no reason to think he despises you either. These are feelings you are projecting onto him.

Menu

Welcome to couch # 18

My Support Forums