How do you let your T be there for you?

Creation is not why I see a therapist.
If chaos is not objectionable to others, that is fine. It is very very objectionable to me.

I don't think being in your brain is antithetical to trusting your therapist. Why are people assuming mistrust comes from overthinking? It could very well be overfeeling--that is, going with the fear and nervousness in your gut when you should be considering the situation rationally.

It doesn't sound like TC really even knows why she's having problems trusting her therapist. It's the feelings that are getting in the way, not the thinking.

At least, that's how I see it. I guess I understand what stopdog is saying. Brainy people have a hard time "going with the heart". I know it's hard for me to relate to that concept.

I don't trust my therapist bc I have a hard to really trusting ANYONE. With anything for any reason. But most especially with my heart.

Current T is pretty ideal. Lucky to find her even though I think she should have shown me the door on day 1.

Being in the silence with another is allowing someone to help you. Or else you just wouldn't go. Exercises don't mean someone's helping you. Sitting with the discomfort together is worth more than singular exercise.

I think it might be useful to have the therapist define what "being there" means for that therapist rather than thinking it will mean the same thing for a real person.

I think most people have a problem letting their T be there for them. I've just commented on another post of yours and your T sounds awesome, like she really wants to help you. She also sounds like the T I have just finished with (not by choice). She said I need to let someone be there for me as I keep being there for everyone else. She wanted to be that person for me. It's kind of hard when they say things like that because, in my case, I didnt want to let her down. I wanted to let her be there for me. I just found it hard, and near impossible.
So the answer to your question is...I don't/didn't.
But don't give up on your T, I'm almost certain they don't want to give up on you

why did you have to end with your t?

Because it was a short term only service, and that is all that was availiable on the NHS when I went looking for support.
But now I'm seeing a mental health nurse who might be able to send me for more long term work, or at least more than 20 sessions.

oh i hate that. you get 10 session services, fall in love with the T then they say okay bye now good luck. (not literally in love, but just love their style the way they make you feel etc).

Basically yeah, 20 sessions. Really feel I can talk to someone after 4 failed attempts at therapy and it is taken away as we are getting started. but she really did make me think and gave me a book to work on, it is far too hard to do alone, but the thought was nice.
right now I'd give anything to talk to her and tell her what's going on for me at the moment. She wouldn't give me the answer, she'd make me walk through it until I got to the answer. Not in my life have I ever been fond of someone so prone to giving me headaches from thinking so hard!

What does it mean to you (plural) that T is "there" for you?
How do you know that a T wants to be "there" for you?

I don't know. I guess u know they want to be there For you when you try your best to push them away and they hang In There with you anyway and don't go anywhere.

I am still at the "why on earth would I want them there and what would I possibly do with them if they are" stage.

you want them there because they care about you and want to help you and sometimes they grow on you and become the role model/loving figure that you never really had before. at least for me. my t is pretty amazing. even though i try as hard as i can to push her away and prove she doesnt care about me.

i think you need a new t, stopdog, one you can connect with.

I still don't quite understand what the expression means, I think. T has to be present during the session, so clearly he is there... but from some posts in this thread it seems as if it is about T doing extra things between sessions? Or does it have to do with believing that T wants you to get better for a reason other than them wanting to do their job well? I'm sorry to be dense. "Being there" is one of those expressions in English that I read sometimes but don't seem to get my head around what they mean.

allowing to support you?

Apteryx, I don't think you're dense. I think "being there for you" IS one of those emotion-laden terms that means something different for everyone.

For me, I don't think it means going "above and beyond". I think it just means showing you care. Not just by saying you care, but through action.

It's like if you were to call up a friend while in crisis. The friend acts like she's listening to you, but you can hear her washing dishes and watching TV while you talk. She doesn't really ask questions...all she says is "uh huh" or "that sucks". She's "there", but she isn't really there.

Therapists who just sit there with a clipboard, not really saying much or showing much expression, would not "be there", IMHO.

Of course, I think there is a point where you have to accept the therapist's limit for how much they want to be "there" for you. They can't answer every phone message or email. They won't always say the most comforting thing when you're in pain. Sometimes, when you're having a crisis, they will have to cancel an appointment or cut one shut. The patient has a responsibility to define "being there" in a reasonable, realistic fashion. They also have to shed some of their mistrust and fear and allow the therapist to care for them...to "be there" for them. Because otherwise, what's the point?

I don't see how a therapist caring does anything. All I want from them is useful information/a definition or explanation as to how what they consider useful information actually is useful. I am a native English speaker and caring for and being there when referring to a therapist make no sense to me at all.
If others understand and it works for them - great.

I don't care how my therapist feels about me. I don't care if she doesn't really care.

I just want her to act like she does. Which, for me, is giving useful advice, providing me with insight, and helping me navigate the medical/psychiatric system. And actually telling me the truth (not merely saying the "right" things, but also calling me out on my bullsht).

Some people obviously care more about the feelings than the actions (or at least give them equal weight). It sounds like you and me, stopdog, only care about what's visible.

well I txted my T this a.m. to let him know my vision really seems to be improving, so now I feel kinda stupid. ie, that's what I told him when I saw he tried to txt back and I called him back. for some reason his txts to me don't come thru. anyway, he pretty much just validated what I had to say - about feeling young again, hallelujah! - and he gets it, and we both said 'love you'. that to me now is reaching out and being connected. I was watching The 5th Estate last nite, about a black widow, so I got some ideas and looked on match.com. the point is, why NOT find a slower older man (i'm 60) instead of worrying I can't keep up with some g.d. grey-haired triathlete?! I mean, I don't have to kill him I just have to be "myself" (that should do it!). anyway, goal for next year.

I don't want their advice and I don't want them to interpret anything. When they are wrong with interpretation (and I have never seen that one be correct) I become extremely frustrated and angry. I probably don't want anything personal from them at all. I am not looking for the therapist to make up for love I may or may not have missed.
The therapist could be there for me by explaining answers to what I ask. I have prepared a visual presentation for the next appointment to see if that will help with therapist communication.

sd - 1. it is by definition going to be personal, because you are each a person. period. 2. a wrong interpretation is simply an opportunity to get closer to a correct interpretation. it takes a long time to train them - as Roseanne said, "he didn't just come out of the box like that." that's part of the reason the r/s is more one-sided? 3. what questions are you asking that you are not getting answers to? it isn't the same for everybody, but i'm hearing that you believe it must be. I think it's like having kids - so unique yet so common a human experience - it blows the mind (ps, leave me out!).

Allowing people to help you is, more specifically a T, takes time. It is like trust. How to allow the T in? Well my guess is you would have to share something...share a very scary something or share a feeling or feelings. Perhaps talk about wanting to connect to T and let T in but you are clueless as to how to do it. Talk about feeling you do not deserve the time T is giving you. T knows you do not feel worthy of living or something along those lines. However, if you talk with T about trying to connect with T perhaps you both will discover a way that works. Writing in a journal works for some people, drawing works for some, while others prefer collages. You might even try telling a story that you make up out of seven words chosen by your T. The story has to be about something that happened to you personally, but the story could be about an animal, a boy if you are a girl, or a girl if you are a boy. It could even be about a monster or an old person...but the story has to be about something that happened to you in your life. This method with the seven word story is how i started with my new T. We did it as homework for the first couple sessions. Maybe your T has some other methods to try to help you connect.

Well, that's how I treat mine too. As a font of wisdom and answers to my millions of questions. By answering my questions, she is showing she cares about my inquisitiveness and fixing my confusion. If she said, "I don't want to answer your questions," then that would be a display of not-caring.

Caring to me is important in therapy. If a therapist can't show caring towards their client by being responsive to them in the way they desire, the client would be better off with a computer. A computer can answer questions too, you know.

There must be some reason why you have sought out a person versus a computer, stopdog.

I tried the library first.