scared, alone, and confused

I went to t today, feeling anxious. i actually stood outside her office thinking about running away and not going in. I had an awful night last night, my anxiety and OCD were out of control. I ended up going to t, but i feel like it was a wasted session. Because I couldnt' get across what I so badly wanted to say. Then as soon as I got out, I burst into tears.

I am so frustrated. I wish that t could see me when i am in need. I wish that she could understand how much I want her right now. I texted her and she isn't replying. I feel very alone. and so anxious. and so mixed up as to why I cant let her see how bad everything really is.

I guess this is just a vent. if anyone has any suggestions, that would be great.

You have to tell her how you are feeling. Even if you just copy and paste this post and send it to her in an email. She needs to know where you are at emotionally and you are definitely in a fragile place right now and still in need of help. You are never alone. Something is definitely holding you back from expressing yourself with her and having better sessions. Do you have any idea why you are struggling to open up during your time with her? I know personally, I have to prepare myself and make a list + mentally go through the things I need to mention to her beforehand; otherwise, I will still feel down and unsatisfied afterwards. I love you and am thinking of you during this tough time. It will get better, I can promise that.

Miswimmy, I think littlemisssunshine is right. You need to tell her how you really feel otherwise going to a session is a waste of time and delaying your healing

Miswimmy1, were you like this when you first started seeing ts? When I first started going to a t, I told her a lot of my story. She noticed that I talked about these horrid things as if it was no big deal. I'm not quite so bad now. I have been going to therapy off and on for 30 years. Every time a session is coming up, my anxiety is really high. I want to curl up and cover my head. My little girl inside is terrified. I get diarhea which makes me even more nervous. I try to tell myself that t is my friend and that she doesn't want to hurt me. That helps a bit sometimes. I think your suggestion to Retro chic "our mind does funny things when we are freaked out. by telling him/her, they can help you with coping mechanisms"is a good one. If you are not ready to tell your t what you went through then maybe you could ask him/her for coping skills that could help you until you are ready to talk about it. I am going to ask my t about this.

You are not alone Miswimm1. You have lots of friends here that you can talk to.

It helped me and my T a lot at the beginning of my therapy when I would e-mail him what was going on IN THE MOMENT that I was struggling. He couldn't help me right then, but he could at least see what I went through. For me, going to session and being with T would sort of automatically make me feel better (or maybe more numb?), and I couldn't quite access all of the fear and angst and flashbacks and whatnot that I had to deal with during all of the hours I wasn't in session. Even if you can't e-mail (I don't know what your Ts rules are), you could journal and bring with you.

Over time, as I felt more safe with T, those feelings started coming up more in session and he was able to help me as I worked through them. I'm kind of back to the "shut down when with T" place right now, but I know as I feel more safe, I'll be able to access that stuff in session again.

I hope you feel better

I can email. And call. And text. But I feel like reaching out isn't helping. So I might as well not...

When I first met t, I was a nonliving wreck. Not sure of that answers the question. But I have really been working on my trust issues and they are better. But... Yeah. I have all faith it t. It's just frustrating when she isn't seeming to get what I'm saying I want.

hi MsSwimmy, i think it's important to realize that therapy is a process, and you can trust in yourself and the process. you will get there. sometimes you can't say what you want or feel you need to and your T knows that. it's a normal part of therapy. there is nothing wrong with you. if anything, just print this thread or follow the above advice such as journaling and reading the journal etc. . . that is a good technique to get things moving. even simply telling your T that you have words stuck that can't come out can be helpful. hugs to you and may angels surround you.

Hello Miswimmy1,

Is it the beginning of your therapy?
Cause if yes, it is normal to have this kind of emotions.
I wish you will reach your T.

It will be a year of therapy in jan.

Ok, did you live something recently that could have make you feel like that?

First of all, I'm sorry you're struggling so much.

Why don't you think it's helpful? Does your T not reply?

I used to email my T when I feeling awful, and sometimes she wouldn't reply, but we would talk about it at our next session. With another T, I would bring in my journal sometimes and read her things I wrote when I was feeling really bad, so she would know that I was in a lot of pain, since during our sessions, I always seem fine.

Im not sure. I just don't feel ok. There is nothing "wrong". It just isn't right. I think I will be ok later. But in the meantime, I have texted t and all she said was "it will pass, you will be ok". That's not helping. I was crying in the car, in crisis mode, and all she says is hard times make us love the good ones even more. See? Like that. Im not thinking about the good times when my life is crumbling around me, u know?

I'm sorry that today has been rough. i wonder if it is connected to the stress of yesterday.

What would help you get from now to the "later" in which it will be okay?

A nights rest...

Yeah, I agree, this is not really helpful.
I hope you will be better soon.

How about a bed time story?

http://www.storylineonline.net/

I recommend The Night I Followed the Dog.

I wish you a good night's sleep.

I think that part of the work of being in therapy is bringing the "crisis" to the therapy room. As in being able to either talk about the difficult times in therapy, and/or being able to have these difficult times inside the therapy room, and not being silent or unable to talk when actually with T.

email and text contact outside of the T room can't really be expected to be "therapy" and your expectations should be low for what T can do for you outside your session.