Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Dear T,

Thanks for being a good T...

Healed.

Dear T,
You rock! I can't believe you called me during your vacation and even told me to keep emailing. You are such an awesome T and I am so glad to be lucky enough to be one of your clients.

Dear T,

I miss you. I'm not even halfway through the holiday break. I try to picture being in T, and what I would talk about if I were there, and all I'm able to imagine is me freaking out and panicking and being unable to say anything.

I hope you're having a good and restful holiday. I reckon you deserve that. But I wonder how much of what I've been telling you about myself that you'll have forgotten by the time I see you again.

Dear T,

I think I've a new situation, an old situation to talk about that I really didn't even know was a situation...

I think I may have hurt someone in the past just by being me. Ditzy! I think I put a friendship in jeopardy or it looked like I did to someone very important to me. I did make a mistake. I did acknowledge it at the time and apologized. I let it go at that because on the one side of the friendship it wasn't an issue at all!!! On the other side of the friendship I did not realize the significance of what I revealed. DITZ!

I hate that I'm only figuring out now the upset I may have caused to someone I truly care deeply for.

I hope you have some advice for me because I'm getting pretty desperate at this point. I want to somehow make it right.

ps I miss him

Dear T,

You are so perfect.

You're pretty, sweet, soft-spoken, caring, cute, funny, smart, hard-working, successful, classy, wealthy, and you're my T

Wish I could be perfect like you.

I miss you, and I don't.
I am my old self with a new attitude. Life's easier now, fitting in to my 'old' self, until I 'remember' who I now know I actually am, then I feel anxious and sick. Bl--dy hell! - what to do? Wish I could be having the usual sessions. Saving a bit of cash though!!
Oh Helen, what on earth am I to do? What what what what what????
You're a good therapist, very. Wish I had the usual sess's. I hate breaks!!!
I miss you, yep, I do. B-gger it.

Thank you for not getting upset at my multiple emails over the holidays. Thank you for validating some of the suggestions I asked you about that I got on PC. Well, I'm taking you advice and trying to reduce my caffeine and sugar intake, we'll see how it goes. I hate admitting I was wrong and someone else was right, please be understanding of this when I am apprehensive to put your suggestions into practice.

I've missed feeling like you're still out there. I don't know what I'll be returning to next year though. It feels like you're not seeing me for who I am, what helps me, or how I'm improving anymore, and that makes me feel afraid. You were the one good, stable, reliable person I had. A lot of that has gone away and I don't know what to trust anymore. I wish you'd come back so I could find out. I so wish that you'd said something connecting to me before the break. This is actually the longest time we've gone with zero contact in the last (almost) four years. I wish that after everything you'd tried in some way to help me through this. You're going overseas fairly early in the year to, so I'm just going to have to do this all over again far too soon. Back to zero contact, probably before we've had much time to sort everything out. You've made it quite clear anyway. I am just another client to you, just a number, easy to forget or confuse with others. I thought the duration of the relationship might have meant otherwise, but it doesn't. You're so special to me, as the one person I've ever had. I love you but to you, I am just part of your job. Perhaps none of it matters because I seem to be losing you anyway. I keep fighting for things to be okay though. I've really done everything I could to fix this. I've apologised and also tried to fix any and every mistake I've made that might have contributed to this. It's not enough though.

Happy New Years Eve T. I hope you're well, and I do genuinely hope you're enjoying your time with your real-life people. People you actually want in your life. I hope they're being good to you.

I'm feeling pretty low and lonely.

I just need help.

Dear T

I'm finding that there are good people in the world. I don't know how to tell you because you'd laugh...so unlike me to believe in anything.

You have been right and I've been wrong.

Just know that I have a lot on my mind, some of it very good, and my heart is full

This is a pretty fantastic place after all

I am taking nothing for granted. I remember it all

Thanks T

Happy New Year T. I'm so glad to know you. I hope you're glad about what you do and how much you help people like me. You're really special and amazing. Thanks for all the good times. See you soon.

Dear t,

I've thought about you a lot over the holidays. I've had a lot of moments where I needed to talk to you but I always feel guilty when I contact you between sessions.

I know I frustrated you last session, and it kills me.

I've been more anxious than ever. I've been hearing things and seeing things, but I'm afraid to tell you even though you know all of the crazy things I've done.

I deleted your contact info from my phone.

You're an amazing t and I look forward to seeing you every week.

I joined the psych central website. lol

See you Friday,

Nomad

Force the "bad" into your lungs and exhale. Breathe in the good. Do it as many times as needed. Maintenance when the bad creeps back in.

Writing and saying the bad away can work.

You don't have to bleed it out.

and yes, I do understand the desperation.

Love and hugs

I care I know how you feel, I have self-hatred myself and I know how it feels to want to just destroy onesself for not being good enough. You ARE good enough, though. YOU are worthy. If you need to talk, please PM me and I will reply if I am on PC. Hugs to you.

((((((((((roseleigh7))))))))))))

sending tons and tons of safe hugs. and i know the feeling as well. remember, you are not alone.

Dear T,
Happy new year. I know you will be with your freinds and family and you told me your friends owed you some drinks so tonight will be a good night for you.
I don't want to contact you and disrupt your holidays so i will write it here instead.
I am so struggling to breathe and to stay alive, as you know t this time of the year is particularly bad and especially tonight as the last two new years eve my ex and I broke up and got back together and the past two years on new years eve I have found out she cheated on me and this year I broke up with my new gf today.
She turned out to be exactly like my ex, lies, cheats and has anger issues. She scares me.
T I don't know what to do anymore because life is not fun for me. I used to enjoy life now I struggle to stay alive day by day.
I really don't want to do this anymore, play a part I detest. T, it's time I made some choices about my life. You suggested I move out and maybe have a child. I don't know anymore if I want to do anything let alone live to have a child. T I hope you enjoy tonight and I might see you soon

Rosleigh ((((Hugs))))
Do you feel safe enough to talk to us here...it might help to talk to someone?/

((((Button)))))
Keeping you safe in my thoughts tonight. You are worthy.

thank you anti and Happy New year to you to you too

I'm thinking about you too. A lot of us have felt similar to how you feel now. I'm wishing I could talk to my t right now too.

Take it easy and relax.

Nomad

Dear T:
I no longer feel sick before sessions. I actually kinda of in some small way look forward to sessions...
Me

Social Anthropology!
I was feeling none too good this morning and not interested in anything. But I couldn't bear standing stirring the porridge alone with my thoughts and mood, "knowing I needed" to be okay, upbeat even, when family got up, so I put the radio on (oh, I didn't want to, didn't want other people's ideas and nonsense in my head). But it was a Melvyn Bragg programme about culture and the development of social anthropology.
This turned out to be a 'Ping' moment! .... Family culture. Yep, I need to discuss this with you.
Adapted behaviour according to not only social culture but the macro family culture.
So, am I to re-adapt once I acknowledge, understand, accept the culture I am born into and adapted by? Is that the idea?
I know, I know, I'm a late developer in this psych process, but I will 'get there' with your guidance and friendship. (And 'stuff' what people say about therapists not being "friends" You Are my friend, and that's just that)!

Dear T,
I have so many things to work on right now and I don't even know where to begin. Please don't be disappointed with me for backsliding and doing so poorly. I just need you to tell me that I'm okay and that I will get through this.

What the **** is that supposed to mean? You suck at explaining things to me T. You think I should offer forgiveness or contact a menace? ***** where the hell did you go to school?

How in the world could you have possibly let this happen, and ruin every bit of trust and faith I have ( had ) in you? All of this over your selfish desire to have an affair and let that spill over into my personal life. You *****. I will never trust the therapy process again. You have no integrity, your have no morals, and you have ruined what was such a trusting, hopeful, safe relationship. I doubt I will recover from this. EVER.