Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Good to know I'm not alone

Oh fiddle sticks! Here I go again... Stop me!

I think since it is the 450th post, the thread has become more of a Dear T thread then an I want to tell you something but I don't know how. It is used at times as an in between session method of writing things down. I guess we could start a new thread if necessary.

Thanks! Thanks for not stopping me, and believing I can take care of myself. I am so glad that we are comfortable with each other, and I don't have to fret about bringing any matter to you. You are always there for me, and I matter to you - LUCKY ME! Today, my "little" issue, and all that it involved only took a half hour, and we had lots of fun and laughter. I'm glad my therapy is not all about mother issues, and the past. After that half hour just talking about junk was fun and laughable.

So glad I have a real life. And I'm glad you enjoyed the concert last night. Enjoy tonight.

I'll see you on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday - blastoff!

Why do you give me two plus hour appointments? Is it because you give each client what they need?

Dear T, i am really feeling like you don't like me again. it all started with the "i get you" comment. remember, when i said it felt good at first, then it felt like you took it away? then you tried to explain what you meant, and i never got it. trying hard not think another life lesson but not succeeding. and i hate stupid psychotic depression. you would freak if i told you about my dream. i want/need to cancel the appt. i think you would be re-leaved. i probably wouldn't though. can you even help me anymore? do ya even want too? i am scared and losing faith very fast. i hate being depressed. it screws with my thinking.

Dear T, eleven more days. idk...

Dear T,
I really feel so bad right now and so wish that you would get back to me. I know it is wrong to want that but I'm so scared.

I wish you would love me.

I kinda use it for both - stuff I'm afraid to tell T, and stuff I'm practicing to tell T. Somehow practicing it here, is helpful, something about seeing it out there in the public-ness of this forum.

Artemis, I do the same, I just post whatever comes to mind It feels better to get it out than to keep it in

I don't suffer fools lightly. I wish I was willing to change this thinking - don't know if I want to. Thank you for helping me put things in perspective. What/who is helpful, what/who is nonsensical or contradictory to its self in my life. I'm ready to put it to its biggest test yet. I can do this.

And, it's only because of you that I can laugh at myself, at my life, and allow you to laugh at me, and with me. You really are a goofball! I'll keep you anyway.

Is there a possibility when one is not in a woe is me stage of life it makes it hard for them to tolerate others in a different state? I liken it to the carnival game where you throw a hard ball at a target, and if you hit it the seated person falls in the water. I feel like I'm the person on the seat, only everyone is missing the target: it's not about me - its about them. It's okay for me to laugh, and smile, to feel good about my life, about me. It's fine with me if they hit me, and I know now, even if they do I can scramble back up. I will remember that when I'm with mom and dad. I'll just laugh and smile all the way through.

I also know that if I can't reach the you within me, the real you are only phone calls, and emails away.

Will see you in the mourn.

I'm making something for you for Christmas. You said that it was your favorite time of the year and I agree! So I hope you'll accept this little gift and find it amusing, as I'm finding amusing to make it.

I want to destroy myself and I'm mad no one's "letting" me!!

Dear T,
I've spent the past 7 days thinking about you. Since finding the information on the internet, I've went from being ashamed of my dreams about you, to now being present. In tune with why I would have such dreams, and understanding how you would manage to get yourself in the little pickle you did.
Today as I prepare for our appointment tomorrow, I can't help but feel excitement. I look forward to telling you about the dreams and how I processed them. I look forward to actually being present instead of hiding behind a facade. I look forward to being transparent and actually beginning the work. I look forward to apologizing to you for my weirdo client dreams.
This has been a week filled with facing shame, discovering personal business, understanding boundaries, being honest with myself, and trying to make sense of it.
If I never see you again, I don't know how I will process it. To no avail, I know I'll process it.

Dear T,
ten more days and i think i am going to cancel. no more appts next year....will you notice i am gone? i think there will be relief on both sides. i am running out of hope. i don't want to try anymore. i am tired of being in this body, and dealing with these thoughts. i need a break for life.

Mum hurt me again, T. I should have known better than to try let her in. Wish you were here.. Missing you. Little girl in need of a hug.

dear T......

and this week, I brought you two Christmas gifts.

One was purchased, although handmade (I have no skill), and you accepted it sweetly (whew).

The other was same gift I gave you for your birthday. You didn't mention it; did you notice it? Did you notice that I cried through the whole hour? I can't promise that I can keep giving you that same gift through 2013, especially not right after the Christmas break.

sorry, T. we'll just have to see about it.

I am hurt and in pain. It makes me really wish you cared more about me. Why do you have to have a big, great family that means more to you than me.....or 30 other clients who mean more to you than me. Even if you knew I was injured, you would never write to see how I was doing.

I'm really nervous to give you the art I made you tomorrow. I hope it doesn't look like a 5 year old made it and I hope you don't think I'm silly. Even though you probably wouldn't.

Christmas is coming and my safety net is gone. I had to terminate therapy - how could I keep going after what happened? Even though it's been nearly half a year since that day it hurts just as much as it did then.

All I wanted from you was for you to admit that what you did hurt me. I was sure you would apologise - I was SO sure. We had such a good therapeutic relationship for so long - I can't understand why it changed.

I can't understand why in our last session six months ago you became angry at me again! You asked me how I felt and I told you I was upset that you were angry with me and this made you angry as well! Where did all this anger from you come from?

You know how much being able to talk to you meant to me - you know how highly I regarded you. You were like the big brother I prayed for when I was little and you knew that, too.

You have no idea how much everything that happened (and there was a lot more) has affected me. I miss being able to talk to you so much. I miss the therapeutic relationship we had before things went wrong. I try to keep a lid on my feelings but somedays, like today, I can't.

You being so awkward has done more for my sense of compassion than anything else.

Yes, I know they are saying that guy had AS. But I am strong enough to not feel burdened by this. First of all, no one has officially come out and said that this is what he had. It's just rumor. And secondly, so what? I've got enough on my plate just dealing with my own issues. You don't have to worry about me taking on someone else's shame and embarrassment. I've never done this before and don't plan on starting!

But I do have to say that I felt like you were especially attentive to me today. It is good not to always have to spell things out and just to have a listening ear while I express those complaints that I keep bottled up inside.

Thanks so much for the gift! I didn't give you one this year, but you're going to a tropical island for the next two weeks. I think you're pampered enough!

((((Bluey)))))))
We are fellow terminees. Hugs to you.

Dear T,

You would be proud of me. I went in alone to a store and actually made it out with buying something. OK, so it was in and out and not crowded at all. Hey, at least I managed.

Dear T- When I come in, my chair is waaay too close to yours. I don't like sitting in your face. Don't think that's it's because I don't trust or like you, etc. I just like having my privacy. Also, I don't feel like anything is happening and you keep saying that slow is good. Maybe it is, but how slow? Because I feel like it's going at less then a snails pace.
And one more thing, I don't feel like you specialize in the areas that I'm having issues with. You're a very good "general" therapist, but when I want to starve & cut & when I have serious anxiety, nothing doing. I'm going to see you tomorrow, so get ready for a fun session!!!