Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Oh and I don't think I can do this anymore.

I tried so hard.

Dear T,

Everything was so bad last Thursday. I was so....so...crazy. I was crying and shaking and twitching. Reliving that from so long ago, the terror, the disgust, the self hatred, the unending sadness. I don't know why you haven't given up on me yet, or why you even want to talk about all that horrible crap. I asked if I could get better and you said yes and that you wanted to try to help me. That made me want to cry even more because never has anyone cared enough about me to want to try and help me. Never has a man been kind to me and there for me without wanting "something else" which was often taken by force. I feel safe with you. And that is a wholly new feeling for me. You feel safe. I can't believe it to be true, it feels so good, to realize that with you I am safe. Thank you.

In just a couple of hours, you're helping me tell my husband about my ED. One of the hardest things I've ever done. I would rather continue keeping it a secret, which I know is wrong, but you've finally convinced me it needs to be done. After 20 years of dealing with my ED on my own, I need to do it and with you by my side for support, I know I finally can. So thank you. Today is going to be really hard and I still want to run far, far away. I'm just thankful to have you by my side today and through my recovery of this too.

T, this week has been really really bad, and I'm scared I might have gone too far with contacting a few times but I really hope you will be understanding because I never do this unless things are seriously legitimately wrong.

I don't really know what to say to you this week. On the one hand, I feel fine. I tell myself I'm fine, that life is good enough, and to want more is just selfish. On the other hand, it feels like if I can't find resolution with you, my T, of all people, how on earth can I muster up the courage to be vulnerable with others?

I'm reallyreallyreally not good. I wish I could text or reach out in some way before you go away. It's 10:43pm and today was your last day working and tomorrow is a public holiday and I'm not sure when exactly you're going away. It sounded like you had a couple of days to prepare, but today was your last working day. I need help and now there is no one to go to for help. I need you to not go away. I need help next week. Next week is such a long time to hold on for and I don't think I'm going to make it there. I don't want to. I REALLY don't want to. Please help, just this once? Please help?

Maybe this is when I stop. Maybe this is it. There's nothing left. Don't you see?

Dear T,

I think you think your techniques work better than they do. I am so sceptical of things and I really wish you could recognize just how I'm feeling in any given moment instead of assuming I feel in ways that I don't. I'm not normal and I wish you'd stop attributing normal motives and feelings to me.

On the other hand, I'd give my eye teeth to be normal, so do you think that if I ignore my experience and my reality and act as if I really am normal, I could become just like everyone else?

I'm still angry at you and I still don't like you, and it sucks that this is the stuff I have to sit with and go through to heal. Why can't therapy make me feel BETTER!!!!!!

Nightlight, does yr T not make any provision for backup when she is away?

Thanks for asking SAWE. She doesn't. She thinks I'll call a crisis line if it comes down to that, I think (I wouldn't). She knows that I'm smart enough to know what I need to do (I'm just probably too stubborn). In reality, I always hold on. I don't know why. I guess she knows I'll survive, no matter what. I probably wouldn't see another T for just a couple of weeks right now. Apparently I'm quite good at making excuses for everything too.

Deat T,

My Dad just had a stroke, I wish you could hold me and never let go

Dear T, i'm so glad you responded to my text yesterday. You're awesome.

Dear T,

This week I really feel like you took an active role in helping to make the session count. Can we please have more like this one? Today you were the Super T I know and love. Thank you for caring.

Dear T,

When I told you yesterday that I was feeling safe, I really wasn't. Dealing with a lot of sadness today. Looking at pictures of my dad. this year is 16 since he died, the same amount of time he was alive in my life. I can't let the tears out here and now. it doesn't feel safe, but I don't see you for two weeks. I don't know what to do

Dear T,

Thank you for helping me to tell my DH about my ED yesterday. I know I'm supposed to feel a sense of relief now that it's out in the open with him, but instead it seems more triggering to me somehow. Exact opposite effect. I know we'll get through it together, but right now, it seems impossible.

Dear T,

Feelings just ARE. I don't see how it's helping me for you to not respond to my email about the baby. It makes me feel sad and hurt. The rule we have doesn't make sense for something like this. I know you are trying to be consistent, but the baby announcement wasn't about my therapy so I won't be disappointed with just a "mazel tov". It seems like you're punishing me when you don't answer me. Why is that necessary?

rainbow

Dear T,

You actually addressed me by my name today--twice. Do you know that you never do that? For some reason it was very meaningful. I wish you'd do it more often.

Hi Dr W - This is dumb. The whole thing is just stupid. Just wanted to let you know.
~Bunny

Dear T, last week you were calm, gentle and accepting. i need that again please. thank you.
ps i have no idea what to talk about tonight, except my youngest son. always my youngest son....pita!

Reached out in a dark time. Nothing. I guess I deserve nothing.

I knew it.

Please help me at our next session. I've been numb too long. I know you don't want to break me, but you know I am strong. Oblivious, in some weird state that I don't understand at all, but strong.

Please help me, Please help me. Please help me.

I hope we can talk about my support network and what I'm supposed to do when I do break down.

Thanks T. You're great.

So T! Have I told you lately how awesome you are?!

Dear T: You mean a lot to me and I care about you very much but why do you have to be so perfect and have this wonderful life?

i am intimidated by you T but I want your approval so badly.

Dear T, i am so sorry, i am so sorry i am so sorry i am so so sorry.

i am looking at the evidence and i am so sorry. i am so sorry, i will take that break now. i am sorry.

talk about a crash landing. i am so tired of feeling like i need to implode.
i am so sorry i am so sorry i am so sorry please forgive me.

it was a great session, right up till the last two minutes..