Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

I never intended to get attached to you. I didn't know what I was missing from my life because I didn't really know it existed at all before I met you. I didn't intend to meet you and instantly like you, I expected the opposite. It took me almost four years to be honest about my feelings (in writing only). I don't know how to communicate to you exactly how wrong you are when you remain convinced that it will be fine at the end (when you disappear from my life because I don't need your support anymore). I don't know how to say any of it out loud. That it is the person who you are that I'll always miss. That I'll never be ready to lose you, whatever happens in my life. I will always miss losing you, losing your company, losing touch with how you are in the world.

If it has to happen, can't you just accept that it will be devastating, no matter how ready I am? You're my one person (the only one I've ever had). You said I need friends. How can you not understand that friends don't replace you and nobody ever will? I know I have to live my own life, but it doesn't take away from the loss. I never meant to feel this way.

Also, I don't think you realise how devastating it was when you said "I love my work. I love the progress you've made". Yes, T, I realise that's all you love and that's the most you'll ever say in return. After four years, after you've also shared a lot of yourself with me too...it makes me feel not good enough, again. Am I not just repeating an earlier relationship? You matter so much to me and I feel so attached...and you love your job and the progress I've made. I'm so stupid. How can we stamp out my desire to matter to someone, to be loved and accepted for who I am? How can we get rid of that little part of me that hopes? It was better when I didn't hope and knew the truth, that I was completely alone, as a child and always.

Dear T,

I see you for the first time in a few weeks, if you thought I was an increased risk back then I don't know what you will think now. It's okay though...I mean, I'm getting loads of support at work, "pull yourself together, love" is such a helpful phrase. Why didn't I think of that....?

I'm sorry you feel this way Nightlight. I am going through almost the exact same thing (written above) and completely relate.

I just miss you right now. And it's like reality set in that your care for me is confined to 50 minutes. I can feel from you the desire to just finish the long day and get home sometimes. While for me, I hang on to every second of that 50 minutes and if feels like it goes by so fast. I'm not seeing you again for a little while. The loneliness.

Dear T,

I hear laughter. Is that you?

Or me?

Dear T,
I regret trying to tell you things today. I felt like the world's least interesting wingless bird. And I don't know what to do with my reactions to what you say.
Maybe I'll just chicken out and quit.
Apt

T,
I don't understand. HOW do you get self-worth?

T!!!!!!

I feel needy and like a burden b/c with every day that goes by that you don't respond... It makes me feel like what I am saying is no big deal and you are just ignoring me.

T,

I appreciate the support you have given me and all of your efforts, but you have not given me any ideas about what the root of my problems is or any specific advice on how to heal.

I think I'm done.

I'll settle our bill...let me know what I owe.

Thanks

Dear T,

I am supposed to tell you what I want from you, what I want from therapy. The answer to be happy is not good enough, you want specifics. How about I want to be fixed and don't ask me HOW to fix me, your the doctor. If I knew HOW I wouldn't need you. Maybe you should start with what's broken?

Dear T,

It beats me! If I new all the answers, I wouldn't be in therapy. Duh.

T - Well, I have several draft emails saved from yesterday and today. I can't bring myself to send them to you. I feel so weak for not being able to deal with things right now...and I'm terrified of showing you that weakness. Letting others see my weaknesses has never turned out well. Maybe I'll condense my draft emails in to one short, coherent one, and send it. Maybe I'll just keep typing drafts. I wish I had the courage to tell you how much I'm struggling right now. I wish one of your other clients would cancel their appointment this week, so that I could meet with you. The scheduled phone call this Friday isn't going to be enough.

Well, you shot me down. I needed support and I got ultimatums. I'd post about it, but everyone on here will agree with you. Looks like its me against the world

I don't trust you and won't do the work needed to do so. I'm tired. You said you would be honest....

i dont want to tell you that i cant stop thinking about you.

I feel awful, just awful and if you can't fix me or at least tell me how to fix me, then what hope do I have? I really screwed up this time.

From what my T tells me, you just have it.

I am offically pissed... Thanks for ignoring my reaching out.

I'm not doing any of the things you told me to do. Sorry. Can't seem to get there.
Next appointment will suck. You'll resign on me for sure.

I won't be there tomorrow. I am imploding, I don't expect you to care. The pain I feel is self-annihilating, and I hope it finishes the job, although I doubt that I would be granted a stay of being in agony. Hope is no longer warranted, so why won't it leave me alone? I feel like the child in Rikki Tikki Tavy, when the snake is in front of him, the snake says, "If you move, I strike. If you don't move, I strike." There is no escape. There is no escape.

I feel so empty, I feel self-hatred. Unfortunately, I'm not able to be in a healthy relationship with others because of what I am. I was feeling better for a few minutes, only to plunge to the depths of despair. I feel so enraged. Is it so crazy not to want to be alone with this? I need to push everyone away because when I am like this it is easy for me to get hurt. I need to push you away. I have to push you away. I can't see you ever again.
It's too painful.

Antimatter

P.S: See you tomorrow at 4.

T, I know I didn't ask for a response, but I can't help but wish you would respond to my email from the other day. Even though I know you won't. You're such a boundary queen and all. I know, I know. It's healthier for me this way. I know. I don't like it. But I know. Grudgingly I thank you for doing what's best for me. (but I still wish you'd respond.)

Dear T, thanks for returning my call. it was your voice being calm and gentle which is why i called back and took the cancellation.

it was good being able to go and share that i am not a happy person and won't ever come in all laughing. you seemed okay with that.

and letting me know i don't have to journal felt like chains being lifted off my shoulders. it is just not my thing....

letting me sit on the couch. i know i am not a new person, but it still felt like it was okay.... and i got to put my feet on the couch as well

i don't like the frued crap though, i think you caught that when i gave you the finger....

anyways, as sad as the topic was, it felt good to feel accepted, safe and feeling like i mattered.

sometimes you do really, really good and it restores my faith in humanity and myself.. thanks

ps it would be great if the same atmosphere was in the room next time.

Dear T,

I love you more than I'd like to admit.

Dear pdoc,

I hate you and never want to look at your face again.

Nomad

When you didn't respond to my voicemail that I had to leave you, it made me feel like you were mad at me for calling and leaving the message, even though it was totally appropriate. Instead I feel like I crossed some boundary. It wasn't a needy message and under normal circumstances someone would respond. But you're not my friend and you don't care once the 50min is up. I'm just another annoying patient. Thanks for the reminders lately. Last time felt like you couldn't wait for me to be out the door. All this time I thought you cared a little. I think you manipulated the transference many times during our therapy, thinking it would help our therapeutic relationship and make me trust you, and now you are leaving me high and dry. I feel a bit taken and manipulated.
To you, I'm over what I came in for...but you've given me a whole other set of problems with this unspoken transference mess.