[Wren_]

how is it alright for you to ground yourself or relax?

tried explaining this in t before but I still can't have it be alright

did anyone else struggle or find a way

ashamed asking again

they have long lists on how to
but not on how to do the how to

[granite1]

i think you are trying to as how do you make it OK with your body and mind to do so when everything tells you not to? sorry if i am way off about this . i have no idea and it it a great question you should ask your T about .i hope there are some answers her from people who have been able to get over that hurdle. i have yet to.sorry i could give you no real answer tiger but i do know what you are dealing with .it is so so hard

[WikidPissah]

For me grounding has to use several senses at one time. Feet on the ground, frozen orange in my hands, smell the orange, feel the orange, see the orange. Music, but it has to be piped into my brain with headphones, not just room music. The ocean is huge for this.

Relaxing is a whole different thing. Progressive muscle relaxation has helped, I have a guided one on my iphone. Massage (which I never thought I would be able to handle) has helped quite a bit too. The key for me was finding a non threatening early 20's woman. (close to my daughter's age)

[Anne2.0]

Sometimes the harder I try to "get" something that is essentially a feeling, the less successful that I am. It seems like you are asking about something that is not just about techniques for grounding or relaxing. It sounds like you are trying to get to the place where these techniques can be tried or when they will work.

There is no shame in asking for help, 1 or 2 or 100 times.

When I realize that I am trying to "get" something, sometimes it helps me to do the opposite-- which is just letting go.

There is a story in the Torah (Hebrew bible, or old testament for most people). I am not religious and I am not re-telling this story for religious content; it's just a story, but you may certainly stop reading now if you feel you might be triggered by this.

It's the story of Jacob wrestling with what is described as an angel, and Jacob is demanding that the angel bless him, and she refuses. This goes on for some time, but then Jacob just lets go, he stops. And the "angel" tells him that he will now be called Israel, and then Jacob goes on to heal his contentious relationship with his brother Essau.

My interpretation of this story is that Jacob was wrestling with himself, and when he decided to stop, he was gifted with self-transformation (a new name), and that transformation then allowed him to heal old wounds.

Maybe it's not about "getting" grounded or relaxing per se. Maybe it's about letting go of something or letting go of the struggle to "get" or letting go of the struggle within yourself.

[roads]

One of my favorite series or "grounding videos" is on YouTube. She has several that seem to work for many. If these don't connect for you there are so many others with completely differently dirrections. http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=fWfb7...%3DfWfb7irQiXk
and a second sample
http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=r...&v=UFOL7eyz80Y

Stopping all the thoughts whirring around inside my head long enough to focus on the one that's right here & right now ... The immediate task at hand (whatever that may be) ... So easy to say ... So difficult to do ... !!!

's & 's

[ECHOES]

The how to for me are a few things that I can do any time and any place, whenever needed. It's a redirection of focus/thought.

I have to begin it and maybe that is what you mean by the how to? I learned when I was having bouts of emotional distress frequently throughout the day, especially at work. I was getting tired of heading to the restroom to sit in the stall and try to regain composure. I began by staying put and focusing on what my hands were doing, the texture of what they were touching, the pressure of what they were grasping, if they were cool or warm.

If that was not enough, then I moved on to that walk to the restroom: I focused on the soles of my feet as I walked, feeling every part of the step, the movement of the contact of my sole and toes throughout the step.

You can also simply sit and take time to really feel all the pressure points of where you make contact with your chair - thighs, back, arms - and spend some time just noticing.

Soon, I was feeling better by the time I reached the restroom.
Eventually, with practice - even just practicing to practice and not in response to anything - shorter times of redirection were needed and I was able to recognize that I was, in that moment, okay in spite of seeming to be not okay. The seeming to be not okay was the fear redirecting me from reality.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

For me grounding has to use several senses at one time. Feet on the ground, frozen orange in my hands, smell the orange, feel the orange, see the orange. Music, but it has to be piped into my brain with headphones, not just room music. The ocean is huge for this.

Relaxing is a whole different thing. Progressive muscle relaxation has helped, I have a guided one on my iphone. Massage (which I never thought I would be able to handle) has helped quite a bit too. The key for me was finding a non threatening early 20's woman. (close to my daughter's age)

pretty much. Grounding is getting into the now, as opposed to floating away in your memories, or being overwhelmed by seeing what is not there, and such.

I like to keep crystals around and clutch on them. Realize structure and shape. Look at the color and shade. (yes, there are crystals for particular problems and emotions... but mostly it works to pick them on which you like and "feel" the best).

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

how is it alright for you to ground yourself or relax?

tried explaining this in t before but I still can't have it be alright

did anyone else struggle or find a way

ashamed asking again

they have long lists on how to
but not on how to do the how to

Im sorry you are feeling ashamed and dont know how to do the how to's...

lets break grounding down a bit for you...

grounding is just a cover all word for...

what are the things you like to do?
what things make you feel good?
what things do you find funny, happy, cheerful?
how do you express your emotions is positive ways?

for example when looking back at all your past posts I found you like to play games, you like finny animals pictures, you like many different kinds of animals, you like competition/debating in thread wars, you talk to plants and know people that talk to plants, I also found out you know how to express your emotions in positive ways and give great advice to others about what they can do when they are not feeling right....

suggestion read over all your past posts and you will see that you do know what you like, what you dont like, you know what makes you feel good, you know what things you find fun, funny, happy cheerful....

next step to grounding after knowing these things about your self is doing them....(which is where your how to do the how to comes in)

you take those things you like, enjoy, find fun, happy, cheerful... and you ask your self how you did those things...

how did you make those debating/competition posts in thread wars, how did you find those funny pictures you enjoy about animals, how did you talk yo plants , how did you know someone who talked with plants and all those other things you posted here on psych central...
of course the answer is you know how to use a computer so you know how to post and find things on the internet, you watched someone talking to plants, you opened your mouth and spoke to the plants....

so now you know what you like and how to do those things...

how do you apply what you know to "grounding"?

you just do those things you know how to do, like you normally would when you want to do them with one difference...you do them when you are feeling bad...

its just like a person would get up and take a shower when they feel dirty. or a person gets something to eat when they feel hungry, clean the house when they feel their house is dirty or when they are expecting company, doing homework when you you have a class, brush your teeth when they feel dirty, take medicine when you are feeling sick...

you got the idea of what Im talking about now lets apply it...

feeling numb... ok what things will make me feel better...I like the smell of apples... ok go spell an apple and see what that does...sniff. mmmm this apple smells nice, sweet, like summer time...now Im noticing I dont feel so numb... if i was my sense would not be registering the feeling of contentment /happiness and happy memories of spelling apples..

feeling spacy... ok what things make me feel better...taking a walk..how to do it....ok I stand up, I lift my legs and put them down in a way in which causes me to move forwards physically, I get my jacket, let my wife know Im going out for a walk and start walking, I go to the elevator. push the number 1, go through the lobby and out the door, I walk down the street....beep.. what was that.. oh a car...chatter whats that oh the people in front of me talking and laughing....wow its cold out here....thats a pretty ornament in the window...I am noticing things /people around me so Im not spacy any more.

thats putting all the elements of grounding together....

knowing what brings you postive feelings, and doing those things when you feel bad, off kilter, spacy, numb, angry....what ever the emotion, to make yourself feel better.

Around here where I live and work in NY, USA other words for the word "grounding" is... self nurture, taking care of yourself, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and other doing something positive for your self phrases/words/

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

how is it alright for you to ground yourself or relax?

tried explaining this in t before but I still can't have it be alright

did anyone else struggle or find a way

ashamed asking again

they have long lists on how to
but not on how to do the how to

there is also a grounding thread of things people do to ground their self in the ptsd forum here http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=16719

[Wren_]

Originally Posted by granite1

i think you are trying to as how do you make it OK with your body and mind to do so when everything tells you not to? sorry if i am way off about this . i have no idea and it it a great question you should ask your T about .i hope there are some answers her from people who have been able to get over that hurdle. i have yet to.sorry i could give you no real answer tiger but i do know what you are dealing with .it is so so hard

thanks granite yes, this is what I was trying to say.

how do you make it ok to ground or relax when everything in your body and mind says you shouldn't; that it's wrong to and that you have no right to. that you should be ungrounded and unrelaxed

wikdpissah thanks for sharing what works for you and also how that has changed with being able to use massage now. Read your couch post and hope you feel much better soon

(((roadie))) thanks, i'll look at the youtube links

pfrog, exactly - easy to say, difficult to do. thanks

venus thanks for sharing how crystals have worked for you; made me remember one I had a very long time ago.

[Wren_]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Sometimes the harder I try to "get" something that is essentially a feeling, the less successful that I am. It seems like you are asking about something that is not just about techniques for grounding or relaxing. It sounds like you are trying to get to the place where these techniques can be tried or when they will work.

There is no shame in asking for help, 1 or 2 or 100 times.

When I realize that I am trying to "get" something, sometimes it helps me to do the opposite-- which is just letting go.

There is a story in the Torah (Hebrew bible, or old testament for most people). I am not religious and I am not re-telling this story for religious content; it's just a story, but you may certainly stop reading now if you feel you might be triggered by this.

It's the story of Jacob wrestling with what is described as an angel, and Jacob is demanding that the angel bless him, and she refuses. This goes on for some time, but then Jacob just lets go, he stops. And the "angel" tells him that he will now be called Israel, and then Jacob goes on to heal his contentious relationship with his brother Essau.

My interpretation of this story is that Jacob was wrestling with himself, and when he decided to stop, he was gifted with self-transformation (a new name), and that transformation then allowed him to heal old wounds.

Maybe it's not about "getting" grounded or relaxing per se. Maybe it's about letting go of something or letting go of the struggle to "get" or letting go of the struggle within yourself.

Thanks Anne, that's it again. The wanting to get to the place where these things can happen. It seems so often in reading about things like grounding and relaxation techniques that it's assumed people are able to do these. I know the story you mentioned although I hadn't thought of it in this context before; I might reread it If you have time, are you able to expand a bit more on what you were thinking with the last part of what you said. The letting go of the struggle within myself. It feels important but I can't quite grasp it

[Sunne]

To ground I go outside to be mindful of nature and my surroundings. Look at shapes of trees, notice the weather, the wind, birds, clouds. Focus on the breath. Notice the environment. Nature really helps me.

I also have some recordings T made for me. Very grounding, as soon as I hear his voice I feel calm.
Guided imagery is great for this.

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

how is it alright for you to ground yourself or relax?

Start with temporary permission, and if you have to, for just a little bit of relaxation and grounding. Repeat it more often if you can. You know how much you can allow yourself at any particular time and the thing to do is to give just a little bit more. It is like stretching; you don't go from being unable to touch your toes to resting your head on your knees instantly. The muscles won't let you do this in one step. It has to be a gradual letting go. That is why temporary permission can be easier to give and accept.

This sounds weird, but you can practice giving permission by giving it to other people in your life. It isn't something you need to say out loud because that might seem weird. Just acknowledge it to yourself that they have earned the right to some relaxation, or grounding, or centering. Tell yourself that they deserve to enjoy good experiences. You probably know some people like that in your life, people you see regularly. When you see them all you have to do is tell yourself that they deserve the good in their lives and maybe even more good than they already have. This works indirectly, but it will help you to also give yourself permission. It is easier if you practice by giving it to other people first. I know it sounds strange, but it does work.

[ECHOES]

I see what you mean now. So relaxing, or getting relief, or self-soothing, or considering any of those, might feel like you are having to give up something that is protective or moving into a place of vulnerability.

Is there a "what if..." question lurking in there maybe?

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

If you have time, are you able to expand a bit more on what you were thinking with the last part of what you said. The letting go of the struggle within myself. It feels important but I can't quite grasp it

Referring back to the story of the "wrestling" (because it grounds me ) I think there are a whole plethora of ways that we struggle within ourselves. Not everybody sees the story this way, but I think that Jacob is wrestling with himself. He is placing demands on the "angel" (himself), and I know at least for myself, I do this with some frequency-- I must be always available to my family, I must be (blah blah blah). There are other ways that I struggle within myself, too, that have to do with being authentic versus "canned", or how to balance my own needs with those of others. Most of my job involves some kind of helping/caretaking of others (lawyer, mentor to young lawyers), and I have struggles that are particular to this role, such as brutal honesty versus emotional support. Earlier in my life, I had much more contentious relationships with people, that as I look back, I see were more about the conflicts within myself that I played out with other people. All this is to really say that I think this issue might be able to be approached like many others in healing-- first you become aware of it (where the "it" here is the nature of the conflicts/struggles that exist within you), then you understand its origins (for me, most but not all things tie in someway to CSA dynamics), then you understand how having such struggles/conflicts has worked/benefited you in the past (I think that I used to enjoy conflict, or at least the pretense of conflict-- now I usually know the difference), then you think about steps you can take to let go/not engage in an inner conflict, then you can take these steps.

I don't think that I have perfectly preceded through these steps in this particular order at any point in my healing so far. I think there is a lot of back and forth and perhaps skipping or doing things out of order.

But I do think that you do know how to work on this issue, as I suspect that you have been through some version of the "general healing" process many times. Often the most difficult step is figuring out or becoming aware of what the issue precisely (or sort of precisely) is, and then you can move forward into more familiar healing territory thereafter.

Best.

[Wren_]

Thanks very much to each of you

Lots of great suggestions for what can be done as far as grounding and also a number of questions I really need to be asking of myself

Some of the things that stand out are trying to answer what is standing in the way; what is the gain out of not grounding or perceived gain; trying to find why the concept of self-nuture is one that I feel so threatened by and then working past that. The how do I do the things I like doing when I feel bad; and how do I not feel bad about doing the things I like.

I also really like the idea of trying out temporary permission and giving others permission in my head; again trying out the ideas.

Even asking the questions and getting a little further each time, is I suppose progress

Often the most difficult step is figuring out or becoming aware of what the issue precisely (or sort of precisely) is, and then you can move forward into more familiar healing territory thereafter.

This thread and reading and thinking about the responses is really helping me understand more about it; and hopefully working on it more will help further

thanks again.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I see what you mean now. So relaxing, or getting relief, or self-soothing, or considering any of those, might feel like you are having to give up something that is protective or moving into a place of vulnerability.

Is there a "what if..." question lurking in there maybe?

OMG< WOW! That makes SOOOOOOOOOO much sense to me. This is why when my xT tried to tell me ways to self soothe that I didn't want to hear. I knew I couldn't do it. Whew! thanks so much

[pbutton]

Regarding the temporary permission - sometimes I just have to tell myself that the ways I am currently doing something are NOT working, so it is a good idea to just TRY to do something another way a few times, just to see what happens. Even if it doesn't feel quite right, it will be an experiment to see what actually results when I break my old patterns.

[Wren_]

thanks pbutton i tried it with something minor yesterday and it seemed to help which is great

one day i was trying to get grounded and was at a loss, i started thinking about t, and even that wasn't working, then i started thinking of sitting in his office, looking at the carpet, and almost immediately my breathing started to slow, i became more relaxed. etc... weridest thing for me, was it wasn't t's image that calmed me, but his office where we talk...

hope this helps and sending safe calming hugs..

[Wren_]

thanks for sharing what helped you ; it helps hearing

[KazzaX]

I am emotionally detached so my body is relaxed all the time. The grounding idea is very strange to me!

[learning1]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

how is it alright for you to ground yourself or relax?

tried explaining this in t before but I still can't have it be alright

did anyone else struggle or find a way

ashamed asking again

they have long lists on how to
but not on how to do the how to

I struggle with believing it's ethical to do this relaxation for myself sometimes (since there's always work and a million things one doesn't feel like doing that ought to get done), and it sounds like that's part of what you're asking. Sometimes being happier myself, as I am if I'm doing things for myself, lets me be more generous to other people. That helps me justify doing things for myself. However, I don't really have a sense of WHEN it's justifiable, so I'm not sure if this is much help. Obviously I can't blow off the things I ought to do that I don't feel like doing all the time.