I am seeing T this afternoon to explain to him why I am taking a short break. I've been seeing him twice a week, but I've decided to take this week and next week off (and see him next Friday). I know to some people that's not even a "break", but to me it is.

I saw him on Friday and we worked really hard. Actually *I* worked really hard and he supported me. I did something that I couldn't believe I could do (wrote a letter to my child self and told her what I would have done for her if I were her mom) and it was such a good thing to do, but it made me so sad, too, because there it was in black and white - all of the things I didn't get, and that I'll never get.

I asked T at the end while we were still on the couch if I could have a hug and he said of course or something and while he was hugging me, I said "I just want my little part of have a hug" and T started staying "well, you can find ways to hug her, too, blah blah blah" and it was SUCH bad timing. I had spent 90 minutes working SO hard to take care of her and I just needed someone to take care of her and me for just a minute. It made me sad. I *know* I am responsible for my own healing, but I just wanted that moment of comfort.

He didn't leave me a message after session like he usually does, but waited until the next afternoon. I had left him a message explaining why I just needed that moment of comfort, and telling him that I REALLY do get that I am responsible for taking care of myself. I guess he didn't understand my message and that's why he waited to reply - or something. I didn't quite get what he was saying.

So we exchanged e-mails over the weekend, and I really thought I was okay with the whole thing...sort of like, well our issues may have bumped up against each others, or this is one of those moments where we have to deal with each other's craziness, or whatever. I REALLY thought I was okay.

But then I started to feel sad

On Sunday morning, something came up that brought up a LOT of my fears from last year, and I realized that there is really no way, other than a HUGE leap of faith, that I'll ever REALLY be able to trust my T again. I know even without that deep level of trust, he could still help me, just in a slightly different way. We don't need to be so so so connected for him to listen to my story and my day to day struggles and help guide and support me. But last year, when another client was lying about me and HE WAS BELIEVING HER instead of me, it was just super damaging. And even though I thought we had moved past it, I think I am always going to have this fear (and probably be right) that she is still telling lies about me, and whether T believes her or not, those things will still be in his head, somewhere.

So. I'm back to not knowing if I can continue. It's not really T's fault, or mine. It's just that it's a crappy situation and I think I'm losing faith that it can better.

I'm going to take the next couple of weeks to see what life feels like without T...no e-mails or phone calls or whatever...and to see if I can get the support I need from myself, and my friends, and my writing. I might call a couple of other therapists to see what that feels like. And then I'll go next Friday and tell T what it felt like and what I decided.

Or I might NOT go next Friday...it might be too painful. I'm bringing all of his "stuff" back to him today, just in case.

This just feels like long, drawn out grief.

[stopdog]

I am sorry to hear it was rough. It seems like quite the rollercoaster.

[granite1]

it sounds like it is just time to find a new T .if you cant trust this T any more it just seems like you are torturing yourself by staying with him it seems you are spending years trying to fix this with him instead of working on your reasons for being in T .i cant see how that is helping. having a rupture once in a while to work through is one thing but you have been dealing with this for well over a year now .i cant see how it is helping you deal with your life out side of your T

Originally Posted by granite1

it sounds like it is just time to find a new T .if you cant trust this T any more it just seems like you are torturing yourself by staying with him it seems you are spending years trying to fix this with him instead of working on your reasons for being in T .i cant see how that is helping. having a rupture once in a while to work through is one thing but you have been dealing with this for well over a year now .i cant see how it is helping you deal with your life out side of your T

I SO hear you granite. And it gets super confusing and tangled up because some of what I am dealing with in T is SO much like the crap I dealt with as a child that I keep thinking that maybe working through THIS will help me heal from THAT.

And we had 4 years of history before this happened, so that gets all mixed up in it too.

Weirdly, I realized today that the entire thing started exactly a year ago today. Exactly.

Strange timing. Blah. T in 90 minutes

[granite1]

Originally Posted by nightsky

I SO hear you granite. And it gets super confusing and tangled up because some of what I am dealing with in T is SO much like the crap I dealt with as a child that I keep thinking that maybe working through THIS will help me heal from THAT.

And we had 4 years of history before this happened, so that gets all mixed up in it too.

Weirdly, I realized today that the entire thing started exactly a year ago today. Exactly.

Strange timing. Blah. T in 90 minutes

good luck night sky .i hope you will be able to work this out

[rainbow8]

Good luck, nightsky--if you haven't had your session yet. I SO understand wanting to work it out with THIS T, and not go on to someone else. Do you think there's ANYTHING he could do or say that would let you trust him totally again? Or, just a thought. Maybe it's not good to trust ANYONE 100%, T or not. I hope you get what you need from your session today.

[mixedup_emotions]

Ugh, sounds so grueling and painful. ((( HUGS )))

One thing I've learned in T - as far as trust goes - is that everyone will let us down and there's always the potential to feel hurt. But, the trust is in ourselves and others that we can work through it and learn from it.

[sittingatwatersedge]

by now you & T have started.

Trust youself; go gently with yourself. Remember that you are loved

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by nightsky

I realized that there is really no way, other than a HUGE leap of faith, that I'll ever REALLY be able to trust my T again. I know even without that deep level of trust, he could still help me, just in a slightly different way. We don't need to be so so so connected for him to listen to my story and my day to day struggles and help guide and support me.

I would find it very hard to be with my T if we had a "lesser" relationship than we had before. Each time we met would remind me of how we used to be and it would be sad and make it difficult to work on day to day struggles. It would be easier for me to work on day to day struggles with someone else than to keep being reminded of the relationship that my T and I used to have.

Good luck at your meeting.

[lostmyway]

(((Nightsky)))) I am thinking about and praying for you...let us know how it goes

[adel34]

Hi Nightsky,
I totally understand about wanting comfort for you and your child part, while also learning to take care of yourself. With last t, I got a lot of that, comforting and safety for the child part of me. It was so healing!
I don't know the whole situation, but I know you've worked really hard with this t to feel safe again after this thing with the client. I think you should trust yourself on whatever you decide to do. Taking a short break, (and I can totally understand how two weeks with no contact would be a break for you) and maybe looking into other therapists, just seeing how it feels to be without t and then reevaluating sounds like a good plan. You can always change your mind along the way.
One thing possibly in favor of finding a new t: you've been with this one so long, and had such a difficult history, maybe new eyes on your situation would help? I don't know. I guess you'll find that out if you call other ts.
Please let us know how it goes.

Nightsky,

seems like you have been doing a lot of hard work in therapy. That is something to be very proud of and also something that I am sure is stirring up lots of old feelings... could that be part of this issue...

Hope you gain some peace either way....

[Nightlight]

Thinking of you Nightsky. Although this whole situation was just a bit too big and bad and awful, I really do hope that eventually, although it's been dreadful, it leads you to even greater healing. Huge hugs to that precious little part of you that missed out. She deserved so much more back then. She still deserves to be held and support just for a minute by someone else now, so that you can go back to what you're clearly already working so hard to do, looking after her yourself.

[~EnlightenMe~]

(((Nightsky))))
Know that you are in my thoughts. I know how painful it is, and I know you will make it through. I sometimes wonder why we all do this therapist thing, it feels like one moment of relief followed by a billion moments of agony. I hope that your moments of relief increase and you are able to work through this, with this T or without him. PM me if you ever need someone to talk to. I'm not in the most positive mood, but I understand

[karebear1]

Please let us know how your appointment went ok?

I know that sometimes it is so hard to let the lingering thoughts go, but you have a good T nightsky. You've established a very good relationship with him- even with the ruptures you've had. Don't give up. You have a right to the T you've always had- this T of yous that you've known for 4+ years. Take your time and make your decisions wisely.

[googley]

((((((((((((nightsky)))))))))))
I hope you find peace.

[elliemay]

This is going to be a very very long road back. Sadly (and completely unfairly) this whole mess gets dropped in your lap to fix.

Your therapist, in my opinion, can do very little to repair the relationship. He can never be perfect enough to fix this. Each little mistake will certainly evoke that feeling of betrayal. That work to forgive has to come from you.

I wish for you wisdom as you navigate this decision. I think you are showing a tremendous amount already by sort of stepping back and evaluating things.

Try to keep us posted. You are so strong and courageous, I hope things work out the best way they can. I hope you can get a little peace.

Night, it seems as if T quickly becomes the 'bad' mother and taking breaks is perhaps a way of trying to escape the 'bad' mother and find the 'good' mother on return.

It's if you know the 'good' mothers there but the 'bad' mother is so overwhelming you have to take a break rather than work through it for fear T will not be able to demonstrate the abilty to be 'good'.

For those of us that didn't get 'enough' of a 'good' mother we are susceptible to any change in T. You felt good talking about little you and you wanted T to convert that into something concrete ie the hug. But it quickly turned 'bad' when he spoke and broke the 'good' you were feeling??

nightsky, please let us know how it went. I hope you are at peace, knowing you did your best, regardless of what happened in the session.

Hi...I cried buckets of tears with T yesterday, and I think we're done. It feels a lot different this time. I have learned to roll with what happens, so I suppose this might not be "the end", but it really feels like it is. I cried, T teared up. It was sad. It was bittersweet. I told T that I hope when we look back, we both remember all of the good things, and not the big pile of sad we were sitting in, and he said we would. I also told him I feel like I need to make a clean break, and he told me I didn't have to decide right then about that...but at least for a while, a LONG while, I feel like that's how it will have to be, for my own Self.

I cried some more this morning as I drove my dog to chemo, but it's okay. It's just sadness. The times I thought about quitting therapy before, I always had this feeling that I wasn't *sure* I was done, but that I thought I was. This feels different. And it's kind of heartbreaking - probably like losing a parent who really, really loved you. T and I both worked SO hard to overcome all of the mistakes and craziness of last year, and I just suddenly really understood on Friday that no matter how hard we try, some of that damage will always be there. I think before, when I left, I thought "well, maybe we didn't try everything, maybe I wasn't honest enough, maybe he wasn't hearing me"...but i know this time that I WAS honest enough and he DID hear me and that we were both so so so committed to working through it and there was just part of it that was always going to be there.

I'm sad, he's sad. It was a sad situation. But this morning I was imagining another nightsky coming in there, a nightsky who needs to learn to be strong and to be kind to herself, and I was imagining T being able to use the things he learned from working with me to help her and it made me feel a little better. Like I've stepped out into the world and like I left a little space for someone else who needs help.

He always leaves me a message after sessions and the message he left me this morning made the tears start again. I could hear his tears in the message. It was so sweet and the things he said were so meaningful. But (I know I keep saying this, maybe I'm trying to convince myself!) being sad is okay. It's probably even RIGHT, actually.

So That's where I am. Right here. Super grateful for my friends and my husband and PC and all of the other people in my life that make me realize that no matter what, I won't be alone.

Today has been weird. I made something for my husband for his birthday tomorrow, and I wished I could show it to T, but I can't. It will take a while to get used to it. He really was a parent-figure to me, and now I'm not sure who to go to to say "look what I did!". But I showed my boys, and texted a picture to my friends, and it's enough. It's just an adjustment.

I loved T so much. Well, I LOVE him so much. And I'm grateful for everything I learned from him, even though last year was so hard. This was the right thing for me, and I think in some ways, he's sadder than I am. During session, he was sitting with me on the couch and I was crying and reading something to him that I wrote and afterward, he said "I want to reach out for your hand, but I think it's more for me than for you". So I reached out for HIS hand.

I do feel super loved by T. I'm grateful for that too.

I think it's going to be okay. We loved each other enough to really, really try. That's all we could do.

Thank you for sharing with us, nightsky. I am so sorry it turned out this way.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Thank you for sharing with us, nightsky. I am so sorry it turned out this way.

It's okay, really. It just is what it is. We really tried. It helps knowing that we loved each other enough to try so freaking hard.

I will be okay

Originally Posted by elliemay

Your therapist, in my opinion, can do very little to repair the relationship. He can never be perfect enough to fix this. Each little mistake will certainly evoke that feeling of betrayal. That work to forgive has to come from you.

I really think T did everything he could on his part.

And I forgive him for the mistakes of last year, truly, deep down.

I just realized that I am always going to be on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's not his fault, or mine. It's my history, and a bad year, and a few too many mistakes, and an ongoing situation that just is what it is.

I think when I thought I quit last summer and ended up going back, there were still some big things I needed to work through from everything that went on. And I was right - T didn't really "get it" until September - but when he finally did get it, he GOT it. And then he worked so hard to repair the damage, and I love him for that.

I absolutely trust that he cares for me and wants me to not be hurt.

I just had to do this for me.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I teared up reading your post. (((((Nightsky))))))

What a beautiful, bittersweet story. You courageously fought diligently in therapy to work through your own issues and to get things resolved, and you succeeded. I hear how much you love your therapist, with a few exceptions you had a great relationship, BUT what I hear and feel the most is how much you love YOU What a courageous and loving thing to do for YOURSELF. I think one therapy goal is to get us to understand and love ourselves, and I'm feeling that from you I am so blown away and impressed by your story. Thank you so much for allowing us to share your journey while we simultaneously walk our own.
Thank you. Sending you tons of love

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by nightsky

I really think T did everything he could on his part.

And I forgive him for the mistakes of last year, truly, deep down.

I just realized that I am always going to be on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's not his fault, or mine. It's my history, and a bad year, and a few too many mistakes, and an ongoing situation that just is what it is.

I think when I thought I quit last summer and ended up going back, there were still some big things I needed to work through from everything that went on. And I was right - T didn't really "get it" until September - but when he finally did get it, he GOT it. And then he worked so hard to repair the damage, and I love him for that.

I absolutely trust that he cares for me and wants me to not be hurt.

I just had to do this for me.

I hear you and understand. It's sounds as though you are at peace with this - at an okay place. I hope that you can carry this peace as you grieve.

Leaving a situation can be very hard, even when it is time to go.

We'll be here for whatever comes next. I appreciate your sharing your journey so much. This is soooo not easy.

Take care. Love your family, your dog, and yourself. No, you are definitely not alone.