[Fixated]

When I first started therapy, I thought T was just going to help me learn how to better deal with other people. I had been wronged. All of these external factors were leading to my horrible life.

As therapy has gone on, the layers of the onion have been peeled away. All of my defenses and excuses have been beaten down and dismissed.

All that's left is me. I am the one who has to change. I am the mastermind of my own misery.

My logical mind knows this, yet I am still fighting against it with everything I can muster. I still cry that it is unfair. I still try to see myself as the victim. I do not know how to live in a world where I take sole ownership of my pain, and I guess...also of my life.

How do you do it? Like I said, I feel beaten down. This coming inevitable realization does not make want to get back up. It makes me want to give up because I do not see any path to success.

[refika]

My T warns me about this happening, specifically because I'm still early in the whole process. Though I have started to feel it by coming to realizations about myself that I'm having trouble accepting.

Hang in there and address this with your T. They will help you rebuild to the person you want to be and are destined to be. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and you will emerge stronger and better.

[sconnie892]

I have no words of wisdom. But I too have felt the pain of those layers being stripped away.

[Anne2.0]

Does it help to make a distinction between past and present?

As in, I wouldn't dwell on the "mastermind of my own misery." Great line, should probably be in a best selling novel

But if you focus on being the mastermind of your own future, that seems to me to have some juice.

I do recall a time when I realized that I didn't have a lot of control what happened in the past-- not just talking about childhood, but adulthood. I kind of sleepwalked through many of my choices, was reactive rather than reflective, etc. I failed and I succeeded, sometimes at the same time. But acknowledging my responsibility for my past was really able taking charge of my future. Try not to beat yourself up for what has or hasn't occurred.

But what if you focused on the future, and what you can do right now to get what you want? To me that seems like the most important task.

[WePow]

There is a song I wrote when I was in my twenties after leaving an abuser and loosing not only my posessions but a lot of myself.

When we walk through the fire
it's then we learn
only things that don't matter
are the thing that get burned
and all the things that got burned
they didn't matter at all

and we learn how to laugh
and we learn how to play
we learn we can love
by not running away
cause we know when we do
it's not running at all

so we walk through the fire
where we learn how to dance
we lose what we loved
even if it's by chance
and we learn what we lost
was not ours at all

so when we walk through the fire
remember to learn
only things that don't matter
are the things that get burned
and all the things that get burned
they don't matter at all

I hipe this helps you,

Originally Posted by Fixated

When I first started therapy, I thought T was just going to help me learn how to better deal with other people. I had been wronged. All of these external factors were leading to my horrible life.

As therapy has gone on, the layers of the onion have been peeled away. All of my defenses and excuses have been beaten down and dismissed.

All that's left is me. I am the one who has to change. I am the mastermind of my own misery.

My logical mind knows this, yet I am still fighting against it with everything I can muster. I still cry that it is unfair. I still try to see myself as the victim. I do not know how to live in a world where I take sole ownership of my pain, and I guess...also of my life.

How do you do it? Like I said, I feel beaten down. This coming inevitable realization does not make want to get back up. It makes me want to give up because I do not see any path to success.

Fixated
I am going throught the same thing right now and it is so scary to accept control of your life and be responsible for our actions, sometimes it is just easier to be a victim and blame everyone else but the reality is we are responsible for how our life is turning out.
Only we can change and this frightens the S*** out of me. I want to be happy but something in me won't let me be happy and keeps pulling me back into this pit of misery. Just because you can't see the path please don't stop searching for it because I promise you that you will see it someday and want to take that path and not sidetrack down the muddy misery path again.

It is hard fixated. Very hard. But keep at it. It is very worth it. I recall many sessions with my t where i sat there stomping my feet saying "it's not fair!! Why is it always me that has to change!" I can sure identify.

[Sannah]

But the flip side of this coin is that you have the power and not others.

[healed84]

Good advice Anne!

My T still likes me to know that the things that happened to me in the past were outside of my control. Sure, they have made me who I am today, some good and some bad. However, I am working on it. Like Anne said, you are the mastermind of your future. My T reminded me of this my last appointment. I admit for the like the first couple of hours, it was very empowering to know, that I am not stuck in a corner by other people. That, I make all the decesions myself. Then it scared the crap out of me too. If, I don't want to be the way that I am.. With a lot of hard work, I could change. That is a lot of freaking responsablity.

[Dreamy01]

I think it's one of the hardest things in the world to look at ourselves and take responsibility for the roles we play in life. It takes a lot of courage to even reach that point never mind accept it. Many, if not most people, don't.

It's natural to feel beaten but that feeling won't always be there. At the moment it's probably overwhelming to know it's down to you to change and create the life you want. In my experience I felt angry and miserable because I couldn't put the responsibility onto anyone else to take care of me or to change to make my life managable. It was down to me. It made me more aware of my faults and quirks and what I really didn't like about myself. It can easily esculate into hopelessness and depression unless you take charge of it. But remember you are okay -no matter what. ALL humans have faults and difficulties and look to others sometimes. It is natural to do that. What may help you, now, is to feel the power that you have and cherish the good things about taking responsibility. They will come.

I like Anne's suggestion to look at the future. Instead of thinking how painful life has been (unless it needs working through of course) focus on where you're going, what you want, and how to move towards it. That can remove some of the hopelessness and create better feelings about yourself.

Best of luck.

[rainbow8]

fixated, just want to say I can relate to what you're going through. Yes, it hurts. A lot. You've gotten some excellent replies, here. Helpful to me, too.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by refika

My T warns me about this happening, specifically because I'm still early in the whole process. Though I have started to feel it by coming to realizations about myself that I'm having trouble accepting.

Thank you. I wish my T had given me some kind of warning up front. I've heard of other peoples' Ts telling them straight up in the first session. Perhaps she didn't realize how deep my issues went. Perhaps it was for the best that I didn't know though because I very well might not of stuck with it.

Originally Posted by sconnie892

I have no words of wisdom. But I too have felt the pain of those layers being stripped away.

Thanks. I think it is helpful to know that I am not the only one that finds it painful. Sometimes T talks about my flaws/what needs to change so matter of factly that I think she forgets how hard it is.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Does it help to make a distinction between past and present?

But what if you focused on the future, and what you can do right now to get what you want? To me that seems like the most important task.

I get panicky just thinking about being solely responsible for my future, although my mind completely understands the logic of your words. I don't want to fail. If I don't take ownership, I can always deflect blame.

T and I are having a very hard time with my blame/fear of failure thing. I hope a year from now that we can chuckle at my stubbornness.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by WePow

There is a song I wrote when I was in my twenties after leaving an abuser and loosing not only my posessions but a lot of myself.

I hope this helps you,

That's a beautiful song. Thank you. I have already shed a lot of bad with my Ts help.

Originally Posted by button30

Fixated
I am going throught the same thing right now and it is so scary to accept control of your life and be responsible for our actions, sometimes it is just easier to be a victim and blame everyone else but the reality is we are responsible for how our life is turning out.
Only we can change and this frightens the S*** out of me. I want to be happy but something in me won't let me be happy and keeps pulling me back into this pit of misery. Just because you can't see the path please don't stop searching for it because I promise you that you will see it someday and want to take that path and not sidetrack down the muddy misery path again.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Exactly how I feel. Thank you. It helps to know I am not alone. Sometimes it feels like my story is so different than the others on this board, but maybe everyone has to accept responsibility for change during therapy.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

It is hard fixated. Very hard. But keep at it. It is very worth it. I recall many sessions with my t where i sat there stomping my feet saying "it's not fair!! Why is it always me that has to change!" I can sure identify.

Oh yes. I still cling to the idea of fairness as well. Think it frustrates T to know end. lol. So it eventually got better for you? Was it just sorta gradual with Ts constant reminder or was there something that helped you flip the switch?

Originally Posted by Sannah

But the flip side of this coin is that you have the power and not others.

With my control issues, you would think this would sound like music to my ears. I wonder why it does now. It still scares me.

Originally Posted by healed84

My T still likes me to know that the things that happened to me in the past were outside of my control. Sure, they have made me who I am today, some good and some bad. However, I am working on it. Like Anne said, you are the mastermind of your future. My T reminded me of this my last appointment. I admit for the like the first couple of hours, it was very empowering to know, that I am not stuck in a corner by other people. That, I make all the decesions myself. Then it scared the crap out of me too. If, I don't want to be the way that I am.. With a lot of hard work, I could change. That is a lot of freaking responsablity.

Yes, a lot of responsibility. I also wonder if I would have gone through some version of this dilemma no matter what as just a basic part of becoming an adult? I just turned 25, so I am trying to finish grad school and find a real job. Start a life at the same time I am trying to heal my damages past.

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

I think it's one of the hardest things in the world to look at ourselves and take responsibility for the roles we play in life. It takes a lot of courage to even reach that point never mind accept it. Many, if not most people, don't.

It's natural to feel beaten but that feeling won't always be there. At the moment it's probably overwhelming to know it's down to you to change and create the life you want. In my experience I felt angry and miserable because I couldn't put the responsibility onto anyone else to take care of me or to change to make my life managable. It was down to me. It made me more aware of my faults and quirks and what I really didn't like about myself. It can easily esculate into hopelessness and depression unless you take charge of it. But remember you are okay -no matter what. ALL humans have faults and difficulties and look to others sometimes. It is natural to do that. What may help you, now, is to feel the power that you have and cherish the good things about taking responsibility. They will come.

Thank you for these wise words. I think dealing with this does have me stuck in depression right now. If I just lock myself away, maybe I can ignore it. Part of the problem is that I gave up on so much throughout life because I didn't think I could be perfect at is, so now I have little idea who I really am. T and I have worked on this a little, but will need to do it much more.

I think the first thing is that you sound ready to take some responsibility...and geez, taking responsibility for ANYTHING can be scary.
And you sound self-aware, although perhaps a bit hard on yourself...no one got us where they are today w/out the "help" (sarcasm here) of others.
And I think you have to move slowly and take one issue at a time. No one...not you, T, friends, family, anyone, can expect a change overnight...and that's ok. NO ONE can change overnight. But you sound like you want to make some changes...and you have to want that first. I wish you the best in your journey.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Fixated

I get panicky just thinking about being solely responsible for my future, ... I don't want to fail. If I don't take ownership, I can always deflect blame.

T and I are having a very hard time with my blame/fear of failure thing.

Originally Posted by Fixated

Part of the problem is that I gave up on so much throughout life because I didn't think I could be perfect at is, so now I have little idea who I really am. T and I have worked on this a little, but will need to do it much more.

Very good that you and your T have discovered what is really going on under all of this.

You must have learned some lessons about perfection and failure while growing up?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by tractionbeam0610

...no one got us where they are today w/out the "help" (sarcasm here) of others.

((((((((((((( tractionbeam ))))))))))))