Couch 48 - All are Welcome - really!

May 05, 2013, 09:14 PM

SD...thanks for gently reminding me I don't control the world...and more specifically my H..no matter how much I want to or how hard I try....

I feel like this about it and I'm sure some of you reading my posts may well feel like this too...

ETA: in my sanest moments I get it...

stopdog · May 05, 2013, 09:18 PM

RTS - lack of control is rough. I know it is hard. And especially with children involved.
I am sorry you are having such a rough time right now.
Posting here is a good thing. Don't worry about it, if you find it useful. You are not doing anything to/at others here by posting.

May 05, 2013, 09:21 PM

Thanks... I just wanted you to know I appreciate it when you tell it like it is (even though it may take a while to hear it) because I can't seem to come around to the reality on my own... not when I'm in the middle of a mess or having any sort of emotions..

stopdog · May 05, 2013, 09:35 PM

RTS - I am always relieved when I have not come across too cold or blunt. Thanks for telling me.

May 05, 2013, 09:35 PM

Does anyone else experience anything like this.... sometimes when I journal (oops I mean write in my journal) about my feelings about FOO... my mind starts to drift and then the next thing I know... I look at my page and there is a pen mark going across the page like a scribble...

I haven't written in my journal in 3 months so I was sort of surprised when it happened again..

I never know how long has gone by if its just seconds, minutes, did I fall asleep...dissociate... I just feel so like in a fog after wards... sometimes I just put my journal down and purposely decide to sleep to get out of the funk...

mixedup_emotions · May 05, 2013, 09:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Wow, I am glad you took that way the way I meant it (I hope), MUE, because re-reading it, it sounds so much harsher than I meant. I think you're funny and smart and a wonderful person, and I was worried about how much (it seems to me) that you hurt yourself in trying to please others and do what other expect from you.

I am so VERY glad I deleted the harsh post I was going to submit when the one I was trying to be nice in sounded that harsh. LOL.

Aww, thanks, MKAC. I was able to see that your frustration came from a place of caring, and I really do appreciate that.

It makes me a little sad, though, because it's highlighting something that was brought to my attention many years ago when I was still married - basically how I was unhappy about things but would accept them, because I didn't want to disappoint my H, or deal with the repercussions. Despite the fact that I did divorce my H, it seems that this pattern still resurfaces in other areas. *sigh*

I actually did say NO to my mom today when she asked if I would do the chocolate fundraiser again next month - and then again in the fall and near Christmas. She was surprised but seemed to accept it.

And you're absolutely right that I do it to myself. At the same time, I wish I wasn't surrounded by so many people who are expecting so much from me for their own gain.

I guess the difference with T is that I truly believe he has my best interests in mind, even though I don't want to accept/admit that.

murray · May 05, 2013, 09:56 PM

So Lola, you and your grandma want a roommate?

My cousin has been trying to get me to think about moving back to MI too. Not sure your dog would be thrilled with my cats though.

mixedup_emotions · May 05, 2013, 09:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Squirrel1983

Wow, I took a nap. Hopefully I will still sleep tonight. T responded to my email. She said he (the bus driver) is creating a hostile work environment and I should report it to his supervisor. She pointed out that after a few days, they usually require medical proof for using sick leave (though we have something called personal charged to sick that I think can be used for personal reasons), so I may not be able to use it for the rest of the school year. She said it would be a passive aggressive thing to do at my expense. She said I shouldn't have to use my sick time to avoid him.

She said he is breaking the law by creating a hositle work environment for me and treating the students poorly (don't get me started on that). She really thinks that I should report him and request to be transfered to another bus. It's a good suggestion, but I've reported him before (for flicking cars off and yelling asshole while students were on the bus) and they gave him a slap on the hand and then he lashed out at me for reporting him. I don't think they could transfer me to another bus as it's so close to the end of the school year, they would just tell me to deal with it.

I don't know what to do now.

Ugh. That sounds like something my T would suggest too. I like the idea because it's an opportunity for you to get it addressed and have the possibility of being transferred. You may want to mention when reporting him that you are fearful of the backlash so they can take steps to ensure that doesn't happen.

murray · May 05, 2013, 10:09 PM

I don't know MUE. The way I see it is that if your T wanted you to gradually work on this project as something for you, to help you with your body issues gradually, then I would see how it could be helpful. Asking you to make something for his wife right now, while you are struggling to deal with this seems different and not so helpful.

mixedup_emotions · May 05, 2013, 10:11 PM

Went to my sister's house earlier today and spent a couple hours there before bringing my daughter home. Made some jewelry and watched a couple of good movies.

...now...all of a sudden...I have a super intense migraine. I don't know why I'm surprised. I guess it's not that often that I get one so intense so quickly. Maybe I'm dehydrated. I took a triptan...then a pain pill and muscle relaxer. I don't usually take all 3 around the same time, but I hope it helps soon. I wonder if it's going to rain.

May 05, 2013, 10:16 PM

Sometimes very rarely but sometimes I actually want to try to talk to my H about things going on with me. But it doesn't take much to make that feeling go away... I started to tell my H something about how I was feeling (nothing to do with marriage or him or us) and he said "I hear you"... I don't know why but that shuts me down so fast...

what does that expression mean to you guys?

ETA: I asked him what that means to him... he said it means I hear what your saying but there is not much I can do to change/fix that... after 25 years of telling him that I don't want him to fix things for me but to just listen to me..you would think he would GET it...but he doesn't...

mixedup_emotions · May 05, 2013, 10:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by murray

I don't know MUE. The way I see it is that if your T wanted you to gradually work on this project as something for you, to help you with your body issues gradually, then I would see how it could be helpful. Asking you to make something for his wife right now, while you are struggling to deal with this seems different and not so helpful.

Yeah, I don't think he considered the idea too deeply. He wanted to support my business and make me consider the idea of "celebrating one's body". He honestly has no need for anything that I can offer.

He didn't specifically ask me to make something for his wife. He asked me if I'd be willing to make something for the kids to give for mother's day, for him. He didn't even mention his wife. So, he did have some sensitivity there, at least. It was implied, obviously.

I am wondering if this is just a tactic to get me fired up so that I would talk more about my struggles in session. (I was pretty shut down.)

(Here I am, trying to convince myself and others....MKAC, come kick my arse....OK, truth be told, it was a ****** thing for him to do, completely insensitive. But if it was anyone other than my T, I wouldn't be reacting this way - which makes me want to minimize and judge the sh-it out of it.)

murray · May 05, 2013, 10:23 PM

(((MUE))) I'm sorry

mixedup_emotions · May 05, 2013, 10:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Sometimes very rarely but sometimes I actually want to try to talk to my H about things going on with me. But it doesn't take much to make that feeling go away... I started to tell my H something about how I was feeling (nothing to do with marriage or him or us) and he said "I hear you"... I don't know why but that shuts me down so fast...

what does that expression mean to you guys?

I believe it depends on the relationship. Sometimes people say, "I hear you" and truly mean that they are listening and understand. Sometimes people say it just to have something to say. Others say it to make you think they're listening all while secretly hoping you'll finish talking so they can move on with their lives.

You may want to answer that with an idea of how you're feeling - but own it - that you'd like to understand the response better, so that you don't jump to conclusions, that you're shutting down because you're assuming x/y/z, etc.

murray · May 05, 2013, 10:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Sometimes very rarely but sometimes I actually want to try to talk to my H about things going on with me. But it doesn't take much to make that feeling go away... I started to tell my H something about how I was feeling (nothing to do with marriage or him or us) and he said "I hear you"... I don't know why but that shuts me down so fast...

what does that expression mean to you guys?

Not sure Ready. It depends upon how he said it. Generally I would take it as someone trying to let me know that they were listening to me and I would take it as a positive expression. Of course it could also, if said in an exasperated or unpleasant manner, be taken to essentially mean "stop talking." Hard to know which way to take. sorry

mixedup_emotions · May 05, 2013, 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by murray

(((MUE))) I'm sorry

Thanks, Murray. It's ok. I'm ok. I am not really that upset at the moment.

I AM a bit angry, though, when I consider the idea that my next session will be spent showcasing my jewelry so he can pick a pair of earrings.

WAIT A MINUTE. I don't have to do that. (Thanks, MKAC!)

I do believe I am going to follow through on making the earrings (I've made several pair already for him to choose from.)....But, I'm going to drop them off in a bag to him at group T on Tuesday so he can look thru them on HIS time and choose on HIS time so that MY therapy is not spent with him window shopping and learning about natural stones.

Of course, that leaves me with 40 minutes of time to kill in therapy....of which I have no interest in going to right now. Maybe I'll cancel.

I hate therapy.

May 05, 2013, 10:31 PM

I ETAd the original post with what my H says that expression means when he says it.

I realized that they are expressions that people use that I interpret as conversation stoppers...

Christian friends - "I'll pray for you"... that means really I'm done listening to you and I want you to go away...so just stop talking now and I'll put a word in with the big guy.. Once xT (Christian counseling) said that to me and I just stopped talking and then I started to get ready to leave like the session was over... and he said what's wrong ...times not up yet and I turned and looked at the clock behind my head and said Oh... I thought that was your way of saying stop talking.

Others - "I hear you...or I hear that"... means yep I understand what you saying but I have my own issues and they are just as big or bigger than yours so stop complaining and stop talking.

CantExplain · May 05, 2013, 10:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I may move back to MI to regroup , live with my grandmother.

That's an option, of course...

mixedup_emotions · May 05, 2013, 10:37 PM

I think I've used "I hear ya" in the same way that your H has - when we're feeling helpless but want to be supportive to someone. I'm sure tone has a lot to do with it.

What would you have wanted to hear?

May 05, 2013, 10:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Does anyone else experience anything like this.... sometimes when I journal (oops I mean write in my journal) about my feelings about FOO... my mind starts to drift and then the next thing I know... I look at my page and there is a pen mark going across the page like a scribble...

I haven't written in my journal in 3 months so I was sort of surprised when it happened again..

I never know how long has gone by if its just seconds, minutes, did I fall asleep...dissociate... I just feel so like in a fog after wards... sometimes I just put my journal down and purposely decide to sleep to get out of the funk...

I have written entire paragraphs of stuff I would later swear is false.

May 05, 2013, 10:42 PM

Well I had only said about 5 words (not even sure it was a complete sentence)that was a precursor to wanting to talk about something that I was working on in T... so maybe nothing... I don't know...

we were standing there looking at each other so its not like he was in another room... but I did just get upset about him not responding to me when I offered to take the dog out so maybe now everytime I talk he is going to immediately respond...

maybe its true maybe I will never be satisfied and he can never do anything right in my eyes..

mixedup_emotions · May 05, 2013, 10:42 PM

Alright, couch peeps, I really gotta put my head down and try to catch some zzz's...

Goodnight....

mixedup_emotions · May 05, 2013, 10:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Readytostop

maybe I its true maybe I will never be satisfied and he can never do anything right in my eyes..

It'd be a good idea to check yourself before reacting - to see if the words that were said match what you "heard" or "perceived". Feelings aren't facts...but feelings are information about some things that may need to be addressed.

May 05, 2013, 10:44 PM

MKAC so you write stuff you don't remember writing?

May 05, 2013, 10:55 PM

Goodnight MUE...hope your migraine is gone in the morning.

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