[mylifeart]

I feel like I am in constant hell still after several years because I never got any closure.

a couple years ago I had a female therapist I had for 2 years, I was very attached to her and she knew I was from the beginning, I was open with her about it.. I didn't want to be, and I felt like it was constant hell. i hated being so close with her, and she did it to me.. i know she had to attach me to treat me. for 2 years i delt with a lot of personal boundries crossed that i didn't not even now was being crossed until i addressed my feelings and what was going on with other therapist. they wanted me to stop seeing her they told me it was a very unprofessional relationship and did not believe she was going to beable to help. i couldn't quit seeing her i was to attached.
for years she knew about my trauma small details, so it was not like she was unforeign to what happened to me. and for years she wanted to know what happened in a full descriptive detailed narrative. So finally i decided that i was at point in my life, that my trauma repeated itself over and over again. So i wrote a narrative, i let her read it first.. she flipped out in her head, saying what happened to me was so sadistic, and she told me she was going to be sick and she was going to puke. it made me feel very uncomfortable.. my trauma was rape and i don't like disclosing this information for this reason,, she said off the wall things to me when and while she was reading it. after that, she acted at first like she didn't want to see me when i showed up for a session she said she canceled it and called me, no she didn't! so sitting in front of her and her telling me she didn't want to have the session that day, i told her i hated her, she kept saying "please don't say that".. what was i suppose to be happy i felt like she didn't want me because of my trauma.. she continued to see me, and this time wanted me to read it to her. . i did it, and she told me why she acted the way she did when she read it.. she said everytime she looked at me she seen herself, .. the words that constantly repeat in my head when i think about my trauma now is her saying "it was like him doing this to a 4 year old, blonde haired child".. not understanding because i was 15 years old when my trauma occurred.. she told me she had to talk to someone about it. also kept telling me she could not believe he did this to me it was as hard for her to talk about as it was for me?.. and she was mad, not at me but she was mad. she was all over the place. next session i could not read it to her, i felt like it was to hard and could not concentrate on anything but her feelings towards it.i felt like a child and i could not defend myself against her like i normally could and then she told me i was better and did not need counseling anymore. i believed her until i got home and thought about it.. i flipped out, i cried for months, like a baby having its blanky taken away i wrote her on fb, she didn't respond back right away more like 6mths later.. it was a fail, i wanted closure.. first she admitted to doing nothing wrong and she was the greatest counselor that ever lived, and i had nothing to be sorry about.. that i was the one who did not return, and she could give me back our counseling/client relationship.. i felt like she was like my mommy in the situation.. she told me the reason why she responded that way was because i was describing my feelings so clearly she felt them.. well those r not my feelings about my trauma about a month later i wanted her to know that.. i told her i know you are lying, that's not the way i feel about my trauma so those were your feelings. i told her not respond, i did not want to know anymore.. and she did telling me she needed to respond as a person not a therapist. and told me she was sorry admitting up to things. i tried to go back to her, the agency wont allow it and i feel like they are punishing me, and i feel horrible about my trauma.
i am working with a therapist now, and she is the same therapist i went to right after i quit seeing this therapist. and she don't understand, my feelings i still have for this therapist. it hurt me so bad, i want it to go away.. like i cry for her all of the time. and now when i think about my trauma i think of how my therapist responded, part of my trauma is therapy now.. it felt more traumatic what my therapist did to me than my original trauma.. feel like i should of listened and left her before i disclosed my trauma.. sad thing is after all of this if she wanted me back i would go back to her. and i DO NOT WANT A PERSONAL RELTIONSHIP with this women and i am scared of that, , i want her as my therapist, i really don't think having a personal relationship with her would help, it would make things worse.. as she cant distinguish her job and her life. i feel bad, like i hurt her so bad because of my trauma..
what did i do? why didn't she give me to someone else if she cared about me? why will they not let me go back to her or is it her that don't want me back cuz he told me i could come back to her? why does the whole agency treat me like its all my fault?
i really need help on this, i am married and it has effected my husband profoundly too.. he was the one who picked my phone up and ead it when i got the FB messages from her and it pissed him off.. this too. . he needs a therapist and he cant even go that agency because he don't want to deal with her, and take me there.. because i feel very triggered with the whole place. if i go there i start crying and i get very angry.. and i have bpd,, and my symptoms start acting up and mood swings go back and fourth.. its like i am not stable after i go there. . .i don't know how to deal with this.. am i going to think about it for the rest of my life, is she going to be a constant reminder just like the guy who inflicted the trauma is on me. i don't want it like this no more i had enough of it. i mean did i cross a boundry with her?? i just did what she asked me to do. oh man.
and i slept with a male therapist, i hate it.. oh my, i don't know why.. he was my case manager when i was seeing this therapist that responded to my trauma that way.. and he knew.. i talked about my trauma with him and then he touched me in a very weird way.. about a week later i let him come over and we did have sex..
i am sorry, i just don't know what to do or what is a wrong with me.. in anyway do i ant anyone to feel sorry for me. i own up to my doings. i just don't know what r mine or what r theres.. again i felt like a child,, i think that's why i allowed him to do anything with me.. i felt like i did with her.. but i don't want him no more.. this is hard for me.. he liked what my female therapist did.. i told the therapist i am seeing again about him, i told him i told her.. and he is mad.. its like i am good enough for them to cross the lines, but i am not goo enough for them to lose it.. an by that i mean i am good enough for them to play with but when it comes to the truth they don't want to lose there job. i am very upset and do not understand.. i need some answers,, i will not get them from her, only way is going to have to be personal.. and i don't want that. i don't know.. as far as him.. id even care . .i don't want notthin to do with that anymore. what is a wrong with therapist and me.

[Freewilled]

Mylifeart - I am so sorry for how you are feeling and everything you have been through I've had my own negative experiences with a therapist and I really feel for you. Is there any way you can go to a different agency? It sounds like it might help to get a fresh start.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by mylifeart

i told her i hated her, she kept saying "please don't say that".

((LifeArt))

Sorry to focus on such a small part of your story, but...

When I told Madame T I hated her, her response was, "Good! Now we're getting somewhere!"
If your T is not up for being hated, she's in the wrong job.

PS:

If I'm not up for seeing a T I hate, maybe I need to do some thinking, too.

[Asiablue]

mylifeart.... oh my. I am so sorry for what you have experienced. None of it has been therapeutic or ethical. My advice would be to leave that agency. Find a new therapist to help you work thru all of this.
You cannot work with people who do not respect the most basic of boundaries.

[Jungatheart]

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I am not familiar with "agencies" so not sure how they work. But I'd stay as far away as possible from these two individuals if possible.

Having experienced some major boundary and ethical violations from a therapist myself, I will just share some things that people said to me that helped. First, it is ALWAYS the therapists responsibility to uphold ethics and boundaries. Clients typically experience transference and tend to push boundaries. Your female exT broke many codes, including her out-of-line self disclosures. You did nothing wrong, there is nothing "wrong" with you. You were vulnerable like any other client who is trying to heal.

Transference is where that little child comes into play. She took advantage of that and robbed you of your voice in the name of care. Healthy care does not make a person have to be less than, have to shrink, or hide parts of yourself. The only thing I've found to be really helpful through some of this horrendous pain, is to "parent" myself. That the adult in me can meet the needs of the child within. It also includes being more gentle with myself and with the extra trauma that came out of this.

Another helpful point was that "you can't bleed a stone". Meaning, you can't make these people take responsibility or expect them to respond like the kind and loving idealized parent you thought they were. And just because they don't give that to you, doesn't mean you can't validate it for yourself.

There were a few websites that I found to be helpful. It's a lot of info and they may not all directly relate:

TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line
BIBRI: Therapy Abuse
Surviving Therapist Abuse — Resources and Support for Healing
Dual Relationships, Multiple Relationships, & Boundaries

Hope some of that will be helpful. Take care.

[likelife]

What you said about therapy becoming a part of your trauma is important. I agree with the others about finding a new agency, if possible. You deserve support in working through all of this.

[mylifeart]

i do see a therapist, the one i seen after this therapist did this to me. i went back to her recently,, when i first saw her i was an emotional wreck i was balling my eyes out about what the therapist did to me, and she had to have her supervisor come in and help her deal with it,, she didn't now what to do..
this destroyed me, and even my therapist don't understand how it has effected my whole life.. i have other traumas,, the trauma i enclosed to this therapist is the one that stands out in my head.. now along with that, my therapist is right along with my trauma in standing out in my head.. how she responded is stained in my head. an i cant get it out. . every thing she sayed, an her facial expressions i see everytime i think about my trauma.

Jungatheart thank you i will read those and see what i can find out.

thanks all of you. . sometimes just hearing from others that understand how feelings like that r so hard to heal from.. sometimes i wonder if i ever will . . i can manage it, i know that..
as far as the male therapist goes, he knows her, and likes how she responded, and i don't so i guess feeling like it was okay for a moment felt better. didn't after it was over. and the inner child part.. that's what the both of them turned me into.. the male therapist described it to me in very vivid way, and explaining how my body responded to that child. it was very disturbing and very raw,, i feel like i am an experiment sometimes and i don't like that.. i am married my husband and i took a break, we have separate issues.. this has take a toll on him too.. he was there when i got the fb messages from the therapist and he was the first to read it.. he got very upset.. he has something wrong with the relationship i had with her, he gets so mad and don't want me talking to her. idk.

again thanks.

[mylifeart]

thanks a lot

[mylifeart]

Jungatheart thanks i will check them out.

the inner child thing, both the female and male therapist did that to me, and the male therapist explained how the boy respondes to my trauma and little girl inside.. it was very raw and felt like i was re experiencing my trauma all over again.
i shoudnt of had sex with him, i felt like i needed too after all of this. he knew the female therapist actually worked with her i was both of there client.
very overwhelming right now.
my husband is effected, we took a break to work on separate issues, and he was there when i got the FB messages from her, he was the first to read them, and it upset him he did not want me to write her back. i still have feelings towards her and i felt like i ha to write her back,, and i always feel like i have to make her feel better.. and she never makes me feel better

its nice to hear from others outside of therapy, that understands what i am going through i don't feel so singled out.

[Jungatheart]

MLA,
I'd have to agree with your husband from the standpoint that he is trying to protect you, support your best self. For me, I have had to channel my own protective adult because the child in me wants to believe that everyone is good and that she would do almost anything to be "good" in exT's eyes, to feel "loved". Protecting myself means no contact, though I have had moments of weakness because I also had deep feelings towards my exT. Distance has brought me out of the brainwashing. There are many layers to deal with, including grief and loss of a relationship.

The TELL website has many great articles and resources that I am sure you will relate to and will perhaps bring you more clarity. You can also email them, they are volunteers from all over the world who have been through what you have.

Hang in there.

[anilam]

I don't get it- you teold your T the other male T slept with her. Client abuse should be reported She should be on your side.
As to what happened with the first T- well, obviously SHE didn't deal with HER stuff before she became a T.
If I were you (and were it possible) I'd stay from this "agency" as far as possible. Reporting would be a next step but if you don't feel like it, don't. You need to be stronger for that and the only priority now is your mental/physical wellbeing.

[mylifeart]

no I told my new therapist I slept with him. those two my old therapist and the male therapist just know eachother they r from the same agency... sorry so many post my first time I didn't think they posted. sorry.

[mylifeart]

my new therapist wants to report him, that would be the right thing to do.
but me, I have had on going sexual reltionships with professional's
I also had an incedent at that agency that I don't get.. they have a crisis/step down unit.. I was getting stabilized on meds, one of there best doctors showed up at 2a.m. and came into my room with another patient woke me up out of bed, ask me to borrow some of my klonopin for this other patient.. then checked my arm for a rash.. I had no clue this was against the rules until I woke up, the head nurse the next morning was so mad.. she kept telling me "he knew better than to do that" she said she reported him and he was going to get in a lot of trouble, he still works there and they would not allow me to see him as a doctor and perhaps this is why they wont release my file to any other agencies. .idk. why would he do something that stupid being a doc. for that many years knowing he could risk his job.. because they know they can get away with it. this scenario was forbidden to talk about, like it never happened afterwards .
my thoughts and perceptions of that place r so paranoid now, should I be? I mean constantly I say no its just the way my thinking is, but when actual life experiences happen to someone to this degree.. my inner child immediately comes out when this place in mentioned.. no answers on there part.. and as far as them, I had good reltionships with that whole team at one time.. I feel very embarrassed of myself when I go there . . (which I do not anymore) but that's really the only place with doctors I can go.. I am unmedicated, I wont go there to see the doc... I think they are going to give me meds to hurt me and make me go crazy so they can get rid of me. the embarrassment I feel because of how my therapist responded to my trauma, because I feel the whole place new she had a problems with my trauma there fore she had to tell them my trauma. idk.
this is my life, if they would just help me, I could trust all of them again.. and they would act like they cared about how my mental state is because of all of this. I would appreciate that from them if they would give me some closure..
I mean what do all of you think about it.. I tell normal people all of this, they sit back and r like "wow" cant understand half of what I am explaining or its just too much for them to take in.

I mean would an agency secure my file so others wouldn't see what happened? or would it even be in the file. ?

another thing is the ex t (as you guys call her) I do have feelings for her. I do not want her to get in trouble... Its sad how unconditionally I care for her, even after she did that... I don't half to talk to her, but like I said if she ask to me to do something I would drop everything I was doing just to do it for her.. sad to me, because I have a lot of hate towards her too.. I always say I hate liking her. its something of a battle in my mind and its constant hell to see her as bad then good,, I have nightmares about her, and still my trauma but it feels like she has invaded my mind. and I want it to go away, I am trying everything right now.
I had this though by getting a new therapist, and getting attached to a new therapist it would take her away,, it didn't.. and it wont, tried that for years.. trying to get attached to different therapist, I cant... none of them.

[mylifeart]

oh and jungaheart my own mother is going through it too.. that's what my mom said she did to me brainwashed me , she told her off on FB , my mom telling this therapist I am her daughter and she had enough of all of this and the whole agency messing me up worse than I was. my mom does not understand why I am so close with this women.
the women did feel like my mommy and even at times acted like she was, controlling everything I did, telling me not who to date, what I needed to do.. and punishing me if I did not do it..she even sang a lullaby to me one time. she was my first therapist so idk this was not how therapy goes. as I distance myself I see that it was brainwashing, which brings me somewhat away from it.. eventually one day I can cut myself off, but she leaves that open for me . . I think that one day she will just tell me why she did that, and explain it to me.. doubtfully I still know its probally not going to happen. she has other patients she can try to fix her problems through that she had with me. (like another patient like me, that she will not **** it up that time around)... its nice to know I am so easily a nobody, and its just another experiment if messed up she can try it again. her theory that is.

[Jungatheart]

I sent you a private message to your account. If you click on your name at the top right you should be able to find it.

The "unconditional care" is part of the horrendous nature of this kind of abuse. I do get it. The battle between loving them and validating that you were abused by them is unlike any other thing I've experienced. I can tell you that staying in contact, allowing her to continue to control you for her own ego and power (not actual care) - will only lead to more pain. But I do get the hold that they can have over us, and that it is a process.

If there is anything you should be paranoid about, it's about trusting them. Don't. Please stay away from them. I know it's hard, but your new therapist is correct.

[Jungatheart]

Just want to add that while my opinion is that your therapist is correct in reporting the abuse and malpractice by those practitioners, I also think that it is a personal decision. You have plenty of time to decide - be it a week, a year, a few years, or never. One thing thing that helped me decide was that I could save others from having to go through what I did.

[mylifeart]

sometimes it helps to be told, instead of leaving choices, , oviously I am making choices according to her.
I am very untrusting of all of them.. I know u said u were not familiar with agencies these places all coordinate together different agencies but they all work on the same page. I begged her on FB to not lie to my new therapist if she ask her so I didn't have to show her the FB messages. I don't know if she did or not, or was open about it.. I don't know anything. . . one thing I did learn about her from the start is she thinks she can do no wrong because she is a therapist.. i hate thinking she is perfect.. and the way i looked at her was like a child, i child looking at its mother she could no wrong and even when she did i didn't see it . and still don't.. its like a baby being attached to a blanky and having it ripped away from them.. when i am hurt or upset i want her. and its so painful to know my inner child lost its mommy.
i feel therapist should understand that this does effect patients SO BAD.. its very very cruel to do to someone like me.. i believe its the same as doing it to a toddler. a small child.

[mylifeart]

i still have not been able to channel my adult in.. i am very fragile. it has left me as that child when she did that.. and my adult never came back.. i mean as far as keeping myself healthy and taking care of myself and children i do, and i take care of things.. as far as my emotions, i act like a child in those.. still where i was when i never returned to her.

[mylifeart]

as far as reporting her, that agency never will let me talk to there supervisor..
i think they feel bad for her. its like they do these things to me when i go there to upset so i don't want to come back, because they know they will have to action on what she did to me.
the adams board id even know why this is so hard for me to do, i think maybe because the only one i have on my side is my therapist.. and it feels like that agency is against me on what there therapist did to me.
i have ha an ongoing past of professionals crossing the lines with me, that's what my trauma is.. telling and getting justice.. this makes it so much harder when it repeats itself and how they protect her and instead of me.. that makes me feel like telling on any of them is going to be so hard, and i will have no one to defend me.

[mylifeart]

oh and I do love her, and a part of my trauma (the first trauma in my life)is I felt admired.
when I recently told her that's how I felt about my trauma, when I was able to experience my own feelings instead of hers,, it was a lot of admiration an pain mixed together, that when I feel amired like that now I feel like they want me so bad and I meant that in a sexual way.. she said she admired me for telling her that . these r the things she says to me that makes it hard for me to let go!!! she is messing with my head she knows how and what to say I think to make me still feel an attachment i know i haven't herd the last from her. i feel like once i start moving away from he she will drag me back into to her. i mean is that an addiction of some sort,, it feels like its very hard to fight off those feelings.. and as much as i know it will bother her more if i don't respond,, i still do.