[Evangelista]

from the worst of me...I feel safe enough to be vulnerable with the hurt and pain now, its taken several years to get here...but find that I cannot allow that part of me that is the worst of the worst to be talked about..when I was hospitalized years ago I could not control it..found myself staring at a terrified psychiatrist..after it got loose..stopped my heart..shut me down..never again I swore to see that fear in someone elses eyes..the terror my own eyes witnessed many times..it haunts me..now in therapy years laters I have just come to realize...I will only allow so much to be expressed emotionaly, afraid that there will be a moment when I loose the control ot this inner monster created by abuse..the one that sent me to the throat of this other doctor...waking up suddenly staring into his terrified eyes..after a dissociative event..I feel like a Dr Jeykll Mr Hyde...

It is not in my nature but there is this darkness which I have deep inside..like a caged animal..it torments me..ok..but someone else..never..oh I am conflicted with this drama...how do I approach my T about it....he reasures me that there is nothing I could do that he could not handle..but...Hyde..mmmm...is this common with anyone..input is appreciated...posting this was very hard..I am not a violent person...just broken in very deep places that I keep under lock and key..chains..big metal doors..several tons of bricks..huge blocking problem here..help..

[(JD)]

(((eva)))) Sounds like you are in a quandry! I would certainly share with the T!!!! That way, you can discuss all you BOTH know about this aspect of you... and come to some agreement about what to do IF or when... This isn't anything new, actually, as imo, most Ts realize that segmented personalities contain a dark side. ... well, we all do!

(((((((((((evangelista)))))))
i understand.. i have parts i never share with my T too, but more b/c of fear of rejection. I just wanted u to know that I care!

[Evangelista]

Thank you Sky and EV..I was very worried about discussing this..it is a very hard issue to talk about when I have tried so hard to runaway from it, even with all the knowledge and tools I am gaining in therapy..getting a handle on flashbacks and triggers and how they set this off is very confusing and scarey.

I am very worried about the therapeutic relationship EV, and understand the fear of rejection and abandonment, so thank you for sharing and offering support, appreciate how hard it is for Survivors of Trauma and/or Abuse to discuss those core issues..I know it sounds silly, even with all the reasurance from my T...I still fear I could unintentionally do harm if triggered to release this..so I fight it..bury it..hide it..run from it..but in doing so..remain stuck with it..why is it these things get so huge when you deal with it by yourself..it seems so much bigger than I am..if that makes any sense...mmm..I just learned something right there...thanx...

[9874]

Evangelista, I'm not sure I'm understanding you. Can you please help me out here. I hear you saying that there is this part of you, wild animal, angry beast, if you let that beast out it might be scary to your therapist. So you keep it under lock and key, in a cage, you do not expose that part to your T. So it remains inside you where it torments you. You'd like to be able to let it out of its cage, to show its face, and you fear T will not be able to handle it.
If this is not what you are saying, and it's not too difficult for you, kindly clarify.
If this is what you are indeed saying, I want to share with you that I've felt the same way. I wanted T to know the real me, the full me, the good and the bad,
(and could she like me despite it all...).
Y'wanna hear something funny? At one point I brought in a photo of an animal, a beastly one. I asked T to please put it under lock and key cuz I'm unable to control it, its rage and frenzy. She did indeed "cage" it, in her filing cabinet, then locked it.

If it's rage you're talking about, I hear you. The rage that has never been expressed and it's kicking and screaming behind glass walls, unable to get out. A rage so huge, it appears larger than anything we can get a handle on by ourselves. A rage so destructive it terrifies us as well.

But take heed. As we talk about it in a safe place and talk about it again and again, it loses its grip on us. Eventually, we become larger than our rage. I have hope, I hope you can too.

Take good care,

evangelista,
do you think you can work with your T to talk about how to create some safety barriers so that you can begin to talk knowing that your T will ensure you are safe if things happen..ie) hospitalization, frequent check-ins by friends, ect.

[9874]

Oops, I must've been posting my reply at the same time as yours. Only yours was ready to be sent a few minutes before mine. I read yours now, and seems I got you right the first time, and you are clear about the issues.... Best of luck to you!

[Evangelista]

Part of the dissociative aspect I guess..when we talk in therapy and we begin to approach violent trauma subjects..I will calmy unemotionally talk about something or bits of something..distance myself pathologically from the emotions behind the words or images..so I dont feel anything..it is like viewing a diaganol plane where there is a splitting of some sort...but something inside does feels intensely..but its seperated somehow..out of reach..it is a darkness, rage does not sound like it would be savage enough to descirbe it..but its like it is running in the background..like a silent movie..where you get the pictures but no sound..oh I dont know it is getting frustrating but I am think this is part of trauma processing..at some level..just unsure if its wise to allow it out..feel like one sick puppy..because I dont understand how wharped this is...the previous post brought me some insight into it though..

thanx for the helpful comments EV ..although I dont think I would want to go the Hospitalization route..to much fragmentation occurs..plus dont like being drugged or watched..its been years since my last group of episodes..but I am sure things have not improved in that setting from what I hear and read about ..I am seeing a trauma specialist along with my T..they are talking about doing something jointly..perhaps that would be a safe way to process some of this..it has allot of energy behind it and it is draining me...I just cant get past the feeling that I am protecting my T from this monster thing..makes no sense at all does it....but thanx for offering some support and constructive ideas...it helps..

((((((((((Evangelista)))))))))))

I know its hard getting past that fear. When I threw that table at SKR it took alot of work on the both of us to get past that. and we did. I sometimes think about that situation. I still don't have any idea what triggered me into acting out that piece of memory or even what they piece of memory contains. But I do know that it is controlable because I have never thrown a table since then and I have gotten extremely angry to the point of dissociating many times in the past three - four years since that situation. In part it took SKR triggering me on purpose into that memory piece and in part it took me controling myself when I get angry.

I can tell you since you have enough control to as you call it "only allow so much to be expressed" and have been doing this for " years sinvce you say the situation happened "years ago" that situation is NOT going to happen again.

You are already using the tools needed to prevent harm from happening to another therapist so its not going to happen.

You have been controling yourself for years around this issue so there is no doubt that you can now continue to control yourself with this issue.. Once you know how to and have that amount of control you don't loose it. Its there to stay.

If you have the ability to keep this violence under "lock and key..chains..big metal doors..several tons of bricks" when outside of therapy and not discussing the issue you have the same ability, and can and will control your violence when discussing the issue in therapy. In fact you will have even more control during therapy because you and your therapist will be working your therapy program and grounding techniques while discussing the issue.

so relax and do what you need to do to take care of things in therapy.

You can also just flat out say to your therapist - years ago I reacted violently during therapy and I don't want that to happen again what can we do? and your therapy professional will probably set up some safety protocals with and for you. maybe even like LL and I have - write up a paper stating you will not do harm to your therapy professional.

Hang in there.

[Evangelista]

Thank you Myself..it does make sense that the fear of it occuring again....probably is creating the biggest block to processing some of this... what is being discussed currently is triggers..how to address the issue..I am a control freak when it comes to processing,..the alternative is chaos..become disorganized peices of yuck.. probably why my neuronet is doing the jig, with the stuttering, ticing thing going on..

I have been triggered in session before..and while it was safe and cathargic in the processing of that memory..bringing release and closure..this is kinda different ...as you know with what happened with SKR..I recall you were able to work thru it by identifing the trigger..was this with guided imagry, hypnosis? Your blog is very helpful...I dunno Myself, if this works the way the other trigger did for me, you lose track of the here and now, so how did you incorporate a control mechanism to ensure some connection between being in a safe place and who you were with..and not just peripheral objects..my strongest mechanisms to deal with my triggers is to hide or run or shut down, everything kinda just halts..until I reset find the ground under my feet sorta feeling..another reason hospitals are like taboo..when it comes to doing this kind of therapy work...

The therapeutic relationship is what is helping me to move forward, allowing for understanding, incorporating tools, and accessing the fragmentation of the trauma films and processes and is the last thing I would want to put at risk because I get dragged into a subteranian conflict with Mr. Hyde where it controls me and not visa versa..

but going on what happens during the processing of previous triggers..once its been set in motion..mmmm..when it stops would rather not be in a disoriented state of yuck..trying to figure out what happened...so yes I do keep it very much buried, and my own system layers it because of the intensity..segragates/fragmentation comes to mind..that is the pathological part...when I do mention control, it is so controlled that I have lost control..whoa..big news flash there huh...conflictorama occuring..

thanx Myself again gaining insight. with this thread and posting by others who have gone thru this has been very helpful and again constructive..I appreciate it...so far I have learned I am feeling much smaller than the issue at hand so that helps place what/when is occuring, and that control is a qualitive/and fluid belief structure when dealing with a quanative state..and therefore there may be some hope out there that I can process this at some point..without worrying I am going to tear down the house so to speak..

the years of being submerged in a violent abusvive marriage kept much of this for the lack of a better word layered and on autopilot,numb..now after the divorce..everything is topsy turvy and I still feel like a POW inside..just trying to work thru the control statements Myself..and why it was put in place for years, and years..the trauma specialist terms it programming, have not researched that issue before but will start maybe that will help too..better close..rambling a bit...thank you Myself for sharing your experiences..and thoughts...

No the situation did not involve using hypnotic techniques. if that session had included our using the relaxation visualizations the table would not have gotten thrown because I would not have been totally dissociated. I would have been co conscious and able to follow SKR as she guided me past the situation before it got to that point. SKR and I hadn't had the chance to use relaxation visualizations during our therapy time. it was in the groundwork process of my using it at home and had told SKR what I was doing and what I wanted to use it for shortly before the government welfare reform bills cut alot of services out which resulted in the therapy agency laying off any of their therapists that havent worked for the agencyfor 5 years and beyond. SKR had worked with the agency I think 4 years so she got the ax as did another therapist there that was a favorite of mine because I had attended her depression management class and had a great time and learned alot.

though SKR and I continued after the layoffs we ended up dropping therapy time together and remaining friends because the DHS caseworker at that time was putting her through hell of bogus charges to the ethics board to interfere with our time and work together. so we never got the chance to actively use the relaxation visualizations together. what we did do what work on my remaining aware while the flashbacks and memories replayed - this is working on co consciousness and integration. though we didn't call it that at the time because I hated those words.

Basically what I know of the table throwing situation is that I had gone to see SKR at the therapy agency. I was upset because my child had just been removed for the second time after the DHS case worker had repeatedly told me my child could remain at home while waiting for an opening to a residential treatment facility. I didn't find out until a year after seeing LL that the caseworker had gone to court and declaired me a flight risk because she knew I would fight putting my child into the residential treatment center I wanted to work on options that would allow him to remain at home.

Anyway the caseworker one day came to pick up his meds and to inform me that my child would not be coming home on the school bus.

Then a month or two after my child was back in foster care SKR and I were in a session and we started to talk about my son and the situation. Like we always did we just went with the flow from topic to topic and I have no idea what the topic was just that the session included talking about my son because SKR started sounding far away and the room felt closed in

Her window was open so I went to the window and looked at the tree next to the window, and the next thing I know Im sitting down, markers and crayons scattered on the floor and a pad of paper on the floor and a 3 foot by 5 foot table was upside down on the floor. SKR was not in the room.

The next thing I know SKR is sitting across from me and asked what my name was. I told her my name and she told me I had thrown the table at her and asked if I remembered doing that. I told her no and the next thing I know she was on the phone and then asked me my name. and I told her then she asked me what I remember of the session.

I told her about the room feeling closed in and going to look at the tree and then I was sitting and she was gone then she was in front of me and now she just got off the phone.

She said she could fill in some but not all of it because it wasn't the right time for me to know everything that day.

She said I switched into a few different alters. in one I was very angry and another I wouldnt talk so she asked if I would draw and I nodded so she set up a table and markers and crayonns and paper. She showed me the drawing which was a black scribbles and said after she asked me some questions and somewhere while answering her I switched into the angry one and grabbed the table and threw it.

When I became aware and she wasn't in the room it was because She left the room to call the supervisor because violence during therapy sessions requires a supervisor to decide if the client needs to be hospitalized or charged with assault..

I asked her what E decided and she said that E said that "She can and will control it. People with DID can and do have the ability to control their violent behaviors"
--------------------------
I later found out SKR had confirmed this by contacting a DID specialist that told her that DID's have an amazing ability to relax themselves when encountering triggers.. they relax themselves so much that they mentally experience their daydreams and then the body goes on autopilot of acting out the memories.

Since DID's have the ability to use their relaxation skills to do this they also use these same skills to calm themselves and prevent their violent actions, and to pull themselves out of the tunnel of beginning to dissociate preventing a switch. .If they have this ability to prevent talking about situations and or the ability to prevent the switching by keeping their emotions under lock and key they have the ability to NOT act out violently. DID is a protection measure so that the person can physically continue functioning while not experiencing mentally the abuse so in a majority of DID cases there are rarely violent episodes due to that would call attention to the person. A person dissociates to get out of situations not to engage in more situations let alone one that would call attention to them. Where there is violence it is because the person fought back during an attack or during an attack was forced abusively to partake in committing violent acts. and in those cases the triggers can be deactivated if the trigger is known. if not the person using their abilities to pay attention to how they are feeling and using the same techniques they use to prevent themselves from switching and or talking about things can and are able to prevent the violence from happening during therapy sessions.

----------------
Anyway The next appointment with SKR we talked about the situaton - E and professionals that work with DID's have told her that I can and will control the violence. if it happened again SKR and I could not work together.

Then for that and the next few sessions SKR kept trying to get me mad. I kept avoiding the topics, changed the subject, brought in things so we would not get on to hard topics and so on.

Finally one day she would not be distracted. She kept pushing me on a subject I was not wanting to discuss. I countered her every time. Finally she got mad and told me to knock it off. If we didn't get past this fear and that table situation we would be no good together as a therapy team. Whether of not her or I liked it she had to make me get mad. She needed to talk to me while I was in that angry alter to make sure that the situation did not happen again. She said I was doing great at controling myself but there was one more thing that she needed to do as a precaution and that was to get me over this by making me angry enough to switch into that angry alter and talk to me while I was that angry alter. She knew I was afraid of throwing something and hurting her and possibly ending up in the hospital but I had to relax and stop worring about her and let her do her job of getting us over this situation. If I couldn't do that then it was time to hand in the file for reassignment to a new therapist. becase with out getting past this we were not going to be a good therapy team what kind of therapy is a client avoiding being mad and a therapist avoiding making the client do the work - not good. it was time we got back to work and the first step was that she had to make me mad and talk to me wile I was dissociated.

So I gave up fighting and followed where ever she pushed me and ended up dissociating and the next thing I know we had run over the time and she was asking me my name and what she was wearing and then telling me that she talked with me in more than one altered state and in each frame of mind I gave her very strong promises that I would not throw a table at her again. She also got me in to that angry alter and was now confident that when ever I was reacting as that alter no tables will get thrown again.

She told me that even though we did this she wanted me to continue using my skills to pay attention to how I was feeling and letting her know when I start floating off and staying where I could here and see her.

I din't identify the trigger. I still to this day don't remember much from that day. SKR knows the trigger and told me not to worry about it. when it was the right time for me to know everything that happened when I was dissociated I will know it. that day wasn't the right time for me to knoe. Even now I don't ask SKR what that trigger was. We are just sticking to the fact that there was some sort of connection between the past and the conversations that day one of which was my child, and the DHS case. and SKR and I leave it at that. Like SKR said when its time for me to know I will know. and until then I have to use my skills to prevent a reoccurance of the table throwing situation. I know that SKR made me mad and talked to me while dissociated like the professionals told her to to deactivate the trigger. But the bottom line is I am the one that is diagnosed with dID its my responsibilty to do my part too. I don't throw tables and endanger my friends at home there is no reason that I should do that during therapy. if I have the control at home then I have the same amount of control if not more during therapy because LL and I activly use my paying attention to my feelings, relaxation and so on so that when I am upset or PO'ed at LL I tell her either to her face or by writing to her not by throwing tables at her.

How did I gain contorl of the situations. by learning about what dissociation and DID is in the professional sense because it was a professional that diagnosed me. SKR and I took what we were learning together and on our own and came up with a plan specifically geared for me. When the professionals told us to stimulate my 5 senses so that I would start learning to pay attention to them we did it by my taking bubble baths with scented bubbles. During sessions SKR was asking me questions like how does your foot feel today? Is it too hot in this room today. Some days I would walk in the room and not be able to miss the smell of something new be it she brought chocolate in or put hand lotion on or had new flowers in the room. We rode around in her car having sessions on the go and she would point out interesting buildings or take me down a new road I have never been on, at home I had to constantly remind myself - how does this chair I am sitting on feel? what is the texture of this blanket. Even when I cooked I turned it into therapy work buy using my hands instead of an electrical mixer so that I could compare different feelings of textures and smells and sounds and so on.

During therapy SKR and I took things to a new level of my letting her know when I got that floaty far away feeling and gosh that woman could come up with so many different ways to hold my attention a bright barret in her hair, make a face, tell a joke, one time I forget what we were talking about because when I started floating off she said something real off the wall even for her so much so that even now all I can remember is it was something about boogers, leather and my past lawyer the result was my focusing on seeing her and her suddenly coming into my view and my saying "What?! Thgats disgusting!" and she laughed and said "it got you back here out of the tunnel didn't it?" Then she would go back to talking about the topic that had made me float off ...What were you feeling when...? , why did this topic make you feel...?, Some days we had easy days and other days she would spring on my a hard topic. I never knew when she was going to do this. If I knew what she was going to do or want to talk about I could block it and shut her down before she even realized it was happening. So she became very good at being spontanious.

I could have run and hide and in past years I did run and hide in therapy so much so I stayed away from therapy for 6-7 years. Why didn't I run and hide this time? I had a child to get home and only a year to do it in. The only way my child would get returned to me was if I took care of my problems. My being suicidal, depressed and dissociating pell mell wns not just affecdting my life but my childs too. He saw his mother do things that no child on this earth should have to see.. a child should not have to see their mother cut themselves, a child should not have to see their mother throwing books and ripping books up in anger, A child should not have to see and experience their mother locking them out of the house so they don't see their mother jump through a second floor picture window because she wants to kill herself from lack of sleep and flashbacks and not remembering what they do all day and night. Luckily I taught my child that if he ever felt unsafe in ANY situation he was to go and tell someone he trusted. My child found the manager and told her he was "scare cause mommy was going to kill herself" and when the police were called my child and I stood our ground with the police letting them know we needed help - not tomorrow or next week when someone would call to check on us but then that day. Then knowing I had only a year my child and I worked like hell with our therapists not glossing over or hiding but flat out meeting each question and challenge head on. and one year later my child and I were in the coming home process of bringing him home. and he came home.

I flat out had no choice this time if I wanted my child I had to do whatever I had to do. I had hurt my child and and me by hiding I had DID and not learning about what it was and how to take care of it. I didn't have the luxury of hiding and so on.

The idea of being safe with my therapist had no part in it. I was assigned to SKR and like her or not she was it. Just like I was assigned to LL and like it or not she was it.

My DID works on triggers. I dissociate the same amount and wiith the same triggers with my best friend as I do when attending a court hearing. My dissociating is in EVERY part of my life not just in the therapy room based on therapy topic and whether of not I feel safe with my therapist. I dissociate when sitting here in my home alone or with a friend just as much as I dissociate out in public at the local grocery store. I went to visit a relative in another state who I love deeply and feel safe with and I came home with a complete new wardrobe in my suitcase that I have no idea where the clothing came from - my relative? the stores? I have no idea.

so how did I incorporate a control mechanism.. I didn't it was already there Its called working my therapy program - pay attention to how I am feeling at all times with all of my senses and emotions. A child from the day they are born are taught to rely on their senses and emotions - they feel hungry, too cold too hot they cry, when encountering animals a picture grass flowers what do parents say - see the pretty flower, the kitty fees soft huh. be gentle its a baby ktty. how does a person know what foods they like and don't like? what clothing they should or want or like to wear? How do children in abuse situations learn to hide and be quiet so they don't get hit again? By paying attention to their emotions and 5 senses. All that stuff is already there. I didn't have to put it there. All I had to do was follow my therapy program. Whether or not I liked my therapist or felt safe with my therapist wasn't an issue. That was the therapist I was given and I had to do the work if I wanted my baby home with me. Therapy for DID is paying attention to the five senses and emotions so I did it.

Losing track? I lose track at home so I already knew I was going to lose track with SKR. Nothing new there. I was seeing SKR 6 months when she asked if I lose track of time and if I do things I don't remember. DHS and the law was on my butt I could not run and hide and I couldn't drop SKR so I continued to be 100% honest with her by telling her I was diagnosed with this that and MPD and the other thing.

From then on it wasn't incorporating a control mechanism. It was just my paying attention to my five senses and how I was feeling every waking second of the day and using grounding techniques with and without SKR that enabled me to tap into the control that was already there and was being used instead as a way to dissociate. Instead of using these skills I already had to run away from my problems I use then to take care of my problems by meeting each problem head on.

this "control" didn't come totally after the table throwing situation. infact the table situation hadn't happened until SKR and I had been activily working on my DID for almost three years. It was just the table throwing situation that accented that I must 24/7 no matter where I am and who i am with and what I am doing I must now always use my skills for taking care of my problems not running from them.

and You're welcome (((((((((Sculley)))))))) glad my blog has helped you.

hang in there.

[Hopefull]

That sounds like a painful thing to keep inside. I hope you find a way to expose some little peice of it until you can go deeper safely.

[Evangelista]

((((Mulder)))) Thank you for sharing so much of your experiences and knowledge, it is supportive and constructive to know how much and how far another Survivor has come with DID.

I find it very hopeful, when I hear you speak of therapy and triggers and how far you have come, thru the hard work that this involves and the commitment to your life and child you have. I am very much a runner when it comes to this type of issue, not really wanting to be, its just a knee jerk reaction which is occuring in Therapy, the dissociation is a key factor, and it is disconcerting suddenly realizing no one is talking and my T is just kinda watching as I come thru the fog but now with the ground work done in Trust issues and both of understanding the Dissociation "dance" a little better, we are getting into the "Rage and Humilation" issues knowing that still waters run deep with this. The worst case scenario, I skitte daddle in the middle of session like the Roadrunner cartoon character, and he tries to block an exit, big problems, the more favorable scenario is I implode and the system will take care of it and he can work with the alters and the memory behind the trigger like SKR did for you..he has stated he is more worried about me hurting myself than me hurting him since that has been the pattern.

Again...Thank you ((Myself ))for sharing so much of your work in Therapy and on the extrodinary work you do on your own.

[(JD)]

<font color="blue">Something I would suggest.. when disclosing to T... depending upon how often your sessions are, you could mention it in one session that you wish to discuss it in a future session. Then, in the session you feel you wish to talk about it, share it at the beginning of the session! This gives you plenty of time to share some, stop, and stablize before going back out into the "world." Don't do what we call a "doorknob" comment... something important but said as the door is opened to leave!!!

Good wishes. Your T cares more for you than you realize. Ts are trained in how to take care of themselves!

[January]

((((((((( Evangelista ))))))))))))))

I suggest printing out your post and handing it to your t. That way he can read it and he'll know without you having to say anything to get the ball rolling. Then when you're ready, you can elaborate.

I wish you every good thing.

Hugs,

Jan

You're welcome ((((((((Sculley))))))))))) and I agree with January print this thread off and give it to your therapist then you won't have to try and find the words sitting on the hot seat. Many times I have taken in my posts and threads from each of my on line support groups for SKR and or LL.

You can also do what I do - let your therapist know you are here so that the therapist can come in and read your thread. Saves printing things out, and I have never had any problems from SKR or LL.

Neither one abused in any way knowing that I am on line and which groups I am in and what my log in name is.

Confidentiality rules. They can't even when I was attending a depression group that SKR was a part of she did not tell anyone in the group that I was in on line support groups and who I was and neither did LL when I was a part of her group.

LL has known since day one that I am on line. I cant and I think I was seeing her only a month or two when I printed off a thread of mine from an on line group and showed it to her and told who I was and so on in the group. and I have been seeing her now for 2 and a half years. Sometimes she will ask a question that happens to match one of the many topics in my on line groups but she never tells anyone who I am on the groups and so on.

Hang in there.

[enigma17]

I sorry to say the 11 year old girl inside my 40 year old self do not know each other - a brand new revelation - and I have to work on that, because the 11 y.o. is full of rage, hostility and fear, and the 40 y.o. dissociates, counts, checks, has intrusive thoughts that come from nowhere (possibly from the 11 y.o.) and feels dark and dank and ugly inside - very difficult to show anyone, even a T. Does that sound familiar? I also know when I meet someone who appears to like me or a friend returns my call or even a doctor laughs at a joke I think "Gotcha! Fooled you! You think I'm nice, worth knowing. How can you not see the sepsis, the rot inside?" So basically, if someone likes me, I think they're stupid.

[Evangelista]

Thank you everyone for the support and guidance, and insight. My head is a little woggy from not sleeping so I'll keep this brief and just say thank you and I will print this thread for my T's. (((Sky, Myself, Jan)))

Enigma..welcome to PC..so sorry that you endure the legacy of abuse and suffer with pathological dissociation, and the inner tormentors and dreamers, we may not be one but we are here and we strive to heal. There is hope, its hard, so ardous, suffering.. but at times a "Grand Adventure" unfolds as the healing and knowledge converge..it just takes wading thru so darned much yuck...Take care, be safe...