I have been with my therapist for a little over 3 years now. She is still one of the most important people in my life. I can't get by without her. I need her. I don't want to need her, but I do.

I know that at some point, this need will subside. Or will it? I am worried that I have an unhealthy attachment or dependency on her. I know I have been over this before (lots of times) and this may not be anything new to some of you who know me, but it has me worried.

I don't want to depend on her like I do. I don't want to need her like I do. She keeps telling me that we will continue therapy until we both feel that it is time to end it, or at least cut back on the frequency of visits. Right now I see her weekly and have for the past two years.

Sometimes I wonder if this is an attraction and not a real need. How can you tell the difference? I often find myself staring at her (when she is not looking) just to make sure I get a good picture of her in my mind to keep me going from week to week. Its like I want to make sure that she is 'real'. That sounds ridiculous, but its really what goes through my mind. I guess I am thinking she will disappear or something and I won't be able to remember what she looks like.

Yes, I have a pic of her, but its not the same as having the 'mental image'. A current image. Sounds rather silly and I know its not 'normal', but then again, there are many things about me that I don't think are normal!

There is NO WAY I would ever tell her this. I just want to make sure that I am not 'in love' or 'in attraction' or 'in lust' of her. This is so confusing!

[tinyrabbit]

This is such a good question, and I'm not sure the answer is at all simple. Because it's not just you and your T in a room and you having feelings for her, as other stuff comes into play like transference. So there are the questions of a) what you feel and b) who you really feel it for.

Personally, I feel quite similar about my T, but I don't think it's attraction because I don't have those thoughts or feelings about him. I tried once, idly, to have a thought like that about him, and it was totally, utterly blocked in my mind. I literally couldn't picture it.

I think it's worth realising that, as and when you're ready to stop therapy, you will be able to provide something internally that you're getting from your T right now. I honestly think this is all part of a healthy attachment, including wanting to get a hold on her image - kind of like building up a resource to get you through the week.

[Perna]

It is not necessarily attachment, love, attraction, lust, etc.; for me, it was mostly "object constancy". I did not learn that loved ones/care did not "disappear" when I wasn't looking. Here, see if this makes sense?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...n-relationship

[tinyrabbit]

Yep, me too - I have problems with object constancy, I think.

[FeelTheBurn]

Personally, I feel quite similar about my T, but I don't think it's attraction because I don't have those thoughts or feelings about him. I tried once, idly, to have a thought like that about him, and it was totally, utterly blocked in my mind. I literally couldn't picture it.

Hey, TR, it's cool to read this, I have had the very same experience. Tried to carry the feelings through in a fantasy, and...nothing. Like you said, just hit this point where the feelings just died and I had nothing to work with. It was strange, but reassuring, to know that I couldn't go there even if I wanted to. Made it a little clearer that it was about something very different from the usual attraction/crush, and allowed me to gain some perspective.

(I'm not necessarily recommending everybody try that: depending on your experiences with physical intimacy, it could be possible to try to "force" the feelings in a way that might be detrimental. Just relaying my experience and how it helped me.)

Squiggle, what you describe sounds pretty normal to me--that desire to have something in your mind to be able to recall the feelings of acceptance and connection you get with your T. I made it a point to construct a "mini T" in my mind that I could refer to when I needed to feel grounded or calmed (consisting mostly of how her eyes look when she's attuned to me). And I remember many times of wanting to scan her face, even touch her face, her eyes, her hair and mouth--very much like a baby would, when interacting with her mother. Just to memorize, to learn, to connect. The touching, of course, I could only imagine, but the visual scanning was very important and helpful to me in having an experience of safe intimacy with another person.

Don't fret too much--you're perfectly "normal," and doing what you need to do.

ETA: Thank you, Perna, that's a good article, and very relevant.

[skysblue]

Maybe it's the need for safety. When we're not stable in our emotions, our therapists can be the one place where we can be ourselves and let ourselves be needy.

Your life is so much about helping others - your students, your husband, your children, your pets.

With your T, *YOU* can be given the attention that you so freely and lovingly give others.

That is a need all of us have. It's good to feel needed and it's also good to acknowledge that we also have needs.

I'm sure that it's perfectly normal and fine to have this need for our T's. Like an analogy I've made before - when the earth is shaking during an earthquake (quite common out here in California), no one wonders whether they should hold on to something sturdy until the ground stabilizes under us.

So, why should it be seen as not normal to cling to our T's when our emotional lives are making us feel unstable? I believe it's perfectly normal and not only that - it shows a real wisdom in ourselves that we access that stability that we need so much.

To deny ourselves that would be foolish.

When the emotional earth stops trembling so much, then the need to hang on to the sturdiness of T will diminish.

In the meantime, I'd say don't sweat it. The need is there and it is o.k.

[rainbow8]

I like the answers; they make a lot of sense. I hope I'm not hijacking, but I too wonder if I am attached or attracted to my T. I think we can have both. I know I'm attached to her, and that's why I'm attracted to her, I think.

I would not look at another woman and think about liking her the way I do about my T. Yesterday, at my session, I felt both. She looked good, and I was aware of her in a way that made me close my eyes and not look at her. The "in love" part was there and I didn't want her to be. So, was I attracted to her because of the transference and my attachment, or was I merely attracted to her? I don't know. If I saw her on the street, I wouldn't be interested because I'm not gay. So, it must be the attachment causing the attraction, right?

In any case, it is what it is. Whatever feelings you have for your T, Squiggle, it's best to accept them and not label them. I think they are normal.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I like the answers; they make a lot of sense. I hope I'm not hijacking, but I too wonder if I am attached or attracted to my T. I think we can have both. I know I'm attached to her, and that's why I'm attracted to her, I think.

I would not look at another woman and think about liking her the way I do about my T. Yesterday, at my session, I felt both. She looked good, and I was aware of her in a way that made me close my eyes and not look at her. The "in love" part was there and I didn't want her to be. So, was I attracted to her because of the transference and my attachment, or was I merely attracted to her? I don't know. If I saw her on the street, I wouldn't be interested because I'm not gay. So, it must be the attachment causing the attraction, right?

In any case, it is what it is. Whatever feelings you have for your T, Squiggle, it's best to accept them and not label them. I think they are normal.

I just want to make sure that I am not setting myself up to be hurt. I don't understand my feelings at all. Like you, I wouldn't look at another woman and think about her like I do my therapist. The whole transference thing is a constant battle that I fight. I don't know what's real and what's not real! I don't know what a normal emotion is verses a 'not normal' or should I say 'not typical' emotion is.

I don't like the emotions I have toward my therapist because they scare me and confuse me. Who would want to just stare at their therapist? And actually feel comfort by doing that? Its not a sexual thing, but then again sometimes it does cross over to those kinds of thoughts.

I guess maybe she is a constant source of security for me and I need to SEE her to make sure she is still there. We do email, so I have those to keep me grounded and secure that this is a real relationship and not a figment of my messed up imagination!

Right now, I don't want to ever see her again because I am so afraid of being hurt or abandoned. I am going through this phase of "fear of being alone" and its overpowering for me at times. I guess I feel that if I cut her off before she has a chance to cut me off, it won't hurt as bad?

Originally Posted by skysblue

Maybe it's the need for safety. When we're not stable in our emotions, our therapists can be the one place where we can be ourselves and let ourselves be needy.

Your life is so much about helping others - your students, your husband, your children, your pets.

With your T, *YOU* can be given the attention that you so freely and lovingly give others.

That is a need all of us have. It's good to feel needed and it's also good to acknowledge that we also have needs.

I'm sure that it's perfectly normal and fine to have this need for our T's. Like an analogy I've made before - when the earth is shaking during an earthquake (quite common out here in California), no one wonders whether they should hold on to something sturdy until the ground stabilizes under us.

So, why should it be seen as not normal to cling to our T's when our emotional lives are making us feel unstable? I believe it's perfectly normal and not only that - it shows a real wisdom in ourselves that we access that stability that we need so much.

To deny ourselves that would be foolish.

When the emotional earth stops trembling so much, then the need to hang on to the sturdiness of T will diminish.

In the meantime, I'd say don't sweat it. The need is there and it is o.k.

Thanks skysblue. This makes a lot of sense. My emotional earth is not stable at all. So I do need someone to hold onto! But she may not be there for me all the time. Then what? I have to have something else to hold onto. I don't want her to have that much power in my life, but she does.

Originally Posted by Perna

It is not necessarily attachment, love, attraction, lust, etc.; for me, it was mostly "object constancy". I did not learn that loved ones/care did not "disappear" when I wasn't looking. Here, see if this makes sense?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...n-relationship

Thanks Perna! I read the article. I have never heard of this before, but I can definitely relate to it. Maybe that is what's going on with me? Sometimes I find myself frantically searching the internet for pics of her. Like I can't remember what she looks like and I fear that she's gone or maybe she never really existed.

I too think it is an object constancy issue, and it's something I've been experiencing in therapy, too. T is the 'object' of your affection, but it doesn't mean it's in a romantic way.. (I think sometimes it's this conclusion people leap to, because as adults we can maybe only relate the experience to 'falling in love'.. what else can it be?!) I believe though, that it is at least in part down to attachment - feeling as a child would towards its primary caregiver.

Wow, Squiggle. I could have written your posts on this thread, all of them. I just wrote a post yesterday about being so thrilled with transference...well today I am feeling the opposite and just like you...scared, wondering what is "too much," wondering if I will get hurt in the end...it's just crazy how friggin' fast it can vascillate! It can such a roller coaster, no?

I have TONS of contact with my T....especially lately while she is away. I do wonder if it's too much, does she have too much power, will she protect me or are we on a fast train to nowhere?

That is the ultimate question I think we are asking of our T's...Will You Protect me? There are so many different kinds of "protection" in therapy. Boundaries protect, words protect, hugs protect. And all these things can be hurtful, too. But the bottom line is, I think a long time ago, it didn't go so well on the protection front, you know? In whatever sense best fits your life...emotional, physical, sexual or whatever. Somewhere along the line there was a massive loss of protection and I think many of us on this board struggle with that fear in therapy all.the.time. I know I do!

However do you think there is ANY way you can talk to your T about this stuff? I still stand by my post about being thrilled that I told my T I love her, because it opened SO many doors for me to freely talk about. Last night my heart was bursting with happiness, joy, and love for her, and I told her. Tonight I am suddenly scared, pushing back, wondering if it's all "okay" or "too much" and I told her that, too. And she accepts all of it. Like, 100 freaking percent accepts it, allows it, and never, ever, EVER judges it. That is some amazing protection right there, when you think about it.

I wish that level of safety for everyone who struggles with this issue. I hope you can find that healing in your therapeutic relationship some way, some how, as well.

The battle goes on!

Internal attachment figures: Long article, yet, definitely worth the read.

A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research | R. Chris Fraley

[healingme4me]

I would dare to venture, that if you can go through the days, without constantly thinking of them, nor of looking at her picture--well, that, I have no idea how often you do, then it could be attraction.

But to have the constant need to try and remember what they look like, etc, on a daily basis, would sound more like object constancy and that article about Adult Attachment theory would tie into why that could be.

Does it border on obsessive thinking or is it something similar, to hey, that person I see working behind the counter at a certain location is pretty cute and just looking forward to each encounter. Without disappointment if you don't see them.

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I have been with my therapist for a little over 3 years now. She is still one of the most important people in my life. I can't get by without her. I need her. I don't want to need her, but I do.

I know that at some point, this need will subside. Or will it? I am worried that I have an unhealthy attachment or dependency on her. I know I have been over this before (lots of times) and this may not be anything new to some of you who know me, but it has me worried.

I don't want to depend on her like I do. I don't want to need her like I do. She keeps telling me that we will continue therapy until we both feel that it is time to end it, or at least cut back on the frequency of visits. Right now I see her weekly and have for the past two years.

Sometimes I wonder if this is an attraction and not a real need. How can you tell the difference? I often find myself staring at her (when she is not looking) just to make sure I get a good picture of her in my mind to keep me going from week to week. Its like I want to make sure that she is 'real'. That sounds ridiculous, but its really what goes through my mind. I guess I am thinking she will disappear or something and I won't be able to remember what she looks like.

Yes, I have a pic of her, but its not the same as having the 'mental image'. A current image. Sounds rather silly and I know its not 'normal', but then again, there are many things about me that I don't think are normal!

There is NO WAY I would ever tell her this. I just want to make sure that I am not 'in love' or 'in attraction' or 'in lust' of her. This is so confusing!

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I would dare to venture, that if you can go through the days, without constantly thinking of them, nor of looking at her picture--well, that, I have no idea how often you do, then it could be attraction.

But to have the constant need to try and remember what they look like, etc, on a daily basis, would sound more like object constancy and that article about Adult Attachment theory would tie into why that could be.

Does it border on obsessive thinking or is it something similar, to hey, that person I see working behind the counter at a certain location is pretty cute and just looking forward to each encounter. Without disappointment if you don't see them.

I do find that I look at her pic just about every day. Its just a reassurance that she's real. Its calming for me to see her. I don't see her pic and think romantically about it. I think she is attractive, but that's not why I have the 'need' to see the pic. I look at it and say, "Okay, there she is. She's real." and that's about it. Sounds so silly when I read back over this.

I did ask her the other day if she would show me some pics on facebook. She hesitated and asked me how that would help me. I told her that it would help me to see her as a 'normal' person. She went on to explain that she IS a normal person, but she did show me a recent pic of her with her dad.

Of course, she wanted to know how that made me feel. My response was something like, "That makes me think you are normal. A normal person doing normal things that everyone else does." It reassures me that I am okay talking to her and trusting her.

I have severe abandonment issues for some reason! I just need to know that people are going to still be around and not leave me. I only have this fear with her and my husband. I fear that one of them will leave me. I can't make it without either one of them. They are my support system. Hopefully, I will get strong enough one day not to need my therapist for support, but right now I do need her to be there for me.

Quote:"I have severe abandonment issues for some reason! I just need to know that people are going to still be around and not leave me. I only have this fear with her and my husband. I fear that one of them will leave me. I can't make it without either one of them. They are my support system. Hopefully, I will get strong enough one day not to need my therapist for support, but right now I do need her to be there for me."

Internal attachment figure just means the person that you would call when you're falling off the edge of a cliff, (e.g. your spouse, therapist.) When we were children it was or it should have been our primary caregiver, (i.e. mother).

Still working on this in my head. She has gone on vacation, so there will be 10 days between our appointments. I have this obsessive need to drive by her house. I have never done that before. Since I know she is out of town, she won't even know I drove by.

Sounds rather insane! Why do I have this need to 'see' where she lives? I have seen a pic before, but for some reason I have this drawing urge/need to 'see' where she lives! Its not that I feel like I am stalking her. I just want to see it once and for all so that this 'feeling' will go away.

Its kinda like all this anxiety builds up, and then once I 'see' it, it will all go away and I can relax. Where is this need coming from? Why do I need to see where she lives? I wish this nagging feeling would just go away. I wish I could just accept our relationship and stop trying to make it so dang complicated!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

Still working on this in my head. She has gone on vacation, so there will be 10 days between our appointments. I have this obsessive need to drive by her house. I have never done that before. Since I know she is out of town, she won't even know I drove by.

Sounds rather insane! Why do I have this need to 'see' where she lives? I have seen a pic before, but for some reason I have this drawing urge/need to 'see' where she lives! Its not that I feel like I am stalking her. I just want to see it once and for all so that this 'feeling' will go away.

Its kinda like all this anxiety builds up, and then once I 'see' it, it will all go away and I can relax. Where is this need coming from? Why do I need to see where she lives? I wish this nagging feeling would just go away. I wish I could just accept our relationship and stop trying to make it so dang complicated!

I don't have answers for you, but it does sound more like attachment and an object constancy problem than attraction. I have always needed to find my T's homes (except for the 2 where their home was their office) and drive by them, at least once. Doing it once satisfied me. I don't know why I have that need, but I do. Now my T lives somewhere else, and I don't know where, but I'm better about it and don't feel that gnawing need to see where she lives. I did try to find out online, questioned her, and I wsas wrong! So I know the town, but not the address.

Have you talked about this need with your T? Maybe the two of you can figure out a plan. She let you see the photos on FB so she understands your need. My T showed me some photos on her phone when I asked. Looking on FB and googling her were hurting me, not helping me, so I stopped.

Maybe it boils down to something my T recently told me, which is what my very first T had told me too. She asked me if I can have part of her inside of me, that is, internalize her so I can be okay when she's not around. This is important for me because I will probably terminate therapy by the end of the year or early in 2014. Can you work on holding the picture of her in your mind? Maybe you're not ready to do that yet, but it could be something to practice even if you're not leaving therapy.

I know this is hard stuff you're dealing with. Hang in there, Squiggles.

[xiuxiu]

I'm glad you mentioned looking at her picture a lot, because I do something similar. If I'm feeling sad or distressed I write my T's name on my hand. I'll usually leave it there until my next session. I'm not sure if anyone notices (hopefully not), but feels really nice and comforting for me to know that it's written on my hand.

I am constantly writing in a journal wherever I go, and I've tried writing her name there, but it doesn't seem to have the same effect at all! I think it might also have something to do with my magical beliefs (not as a symptom, but just my superstitiousness).

And just to echo everyone else, I don't think there is anything out of the ordinary with the way you're feeling. I actually think it's great that you have a therapist you love so much. Some people never find that!