How does a client's suicide affect their T?

I know you're right. I know that just because my parents don't want me that doesn't mean I don't have value to anyone. It still just really hurts to be completely rejected by your family and to have failed their expectations of you.

How to find the words for the suffering, the deep-down and intense sense of unworthiness and failure, when one's parent are rejecting and abusive?

At the level of logic, you know that you have value to others. A the level of logic, you know you have achieved well. At the level of practicality, you have searchedout and created family-like structures around you, including here at PC. I admire your skill, resourcefulness, and resilience in doing these things. Time, therapy, support, and separation will go a verylong ways towards salving the pain and healing the wounds. Hang in there and keep seeking out health-promoting people and support!

That's the trouble with emotions. Pain drowns out logic. It's just something that consumes all of you. I can logically tell that I have people who care about me and that I have done things in my life that were good for me, but none of that matters because everything hurts so badly.

How can it be, that on the one hand, they are these dumbheads we wouldn't cross the street to talk to, but on the other hand, all they had to do was one dumb job - be nice to us - and they couldn't even do it, and the result is we feel like crap for the rest of our lives. It just doesn't make sense. It's like nothing else will ever make up for it, as if our monkey brain knows we were meant to be abandoned in the wild. I think this is why my t keeps trying to push me to just get mad. At least then I dont give up.

It would be easier if I was cut off from family completely but the ties still linger. The wish for things to improve someday is there. Thankfully there are a few billion other people to get to know out there.
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A comedy tribute to not being alone...

It would be easier if I was cut off from family completely but the ties still linger. The wish for things to improve someday is there. Thankfully there are a few billion other people to get to know out there.
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A comedy tribute to not being alone...

Yes the pain gets overwhelming and breeds hopelessness. I'm sorry.

I forget if this was mentioned but there are ideas for dealing with emotional distress at dbtselfhelp.org.

You do have your own ways for addressing the pain. Remember that you don't need to get through 18 days right now. You just need to hang in there for THIS day, THIS hour, THIS minute.

You can do it! Know that many here are pulling for you.

I don't understand how keeping your hands to yourself and not saying things that directly will harm your kid's psyche can be so hard. I mean, my mom sometimes screams at me and tells me that she hates me. Even as a kid, I never said "I hate you too" back because I felt like it would potentially hurt her. Maybe I'll understand if something horrible happens and I have children (at 20 years old, children seems like the worst possible thing that could ever happen to anyone. Maybe I'll change my mind someday) but right now, I don't get it.

I also don't understand how my dad justifies having absolutely no relationship with me because "he's shy". Well, maybe he doesn't try to justify it like that. I wouldn't know. He doesn't talk to me. My mom always tries to justify it to me like that or she'll just say I'm so obnoxious he doesn't want anything to do with me. But really? He's shy? It's not like he just entered my life when I'm 20 years old. He was the first person in the world to see me and the first person to hold me (after a nurse of course). Was he scared to spend time with an infant? Was he too shy to talk to me when I was 2? How about 6? I can understand being nervous to build a relationship with me now, but how did he just manage to let all of those years go? He wasn't shy. He wanted a little boy. They thought I was going to be a boy because I was a pain during my ultrasound. But then I came out as a girl. I was a disappointment from the moment I was born and my personality only made it worse.

I don't have emotional ties to my family. That's a lie. I do. But they are all anger and resentment. I don't want to make things better with them. They are horrible HORRIBLE people. I typed out an example of what they said yesterday that really REALLY made me angry, but I decided against posting it because it is so offensive I don't want to hurt anyone who is struggling with their gender identity. There is no sense in passing that kind of vile, insipid bigotry along where someone could see it and get hurt.

I don't want to repair our relationships. I want to completely cut ties from them and go absolutely no contact without telling them why. I told them once about this. I confronted them once about what they did to me and how it hurt me. They blew it off. They told me someone coached me into believing that and nothing ever happened. I'm not going to go through the pain of explaining it to them again. I want them to live the rest of their lives knowing that I am alive and that I want nothing to do with them. They can live until they day they die wondering what they did so wrong to deserve not being loved by their own daughter just like how I grew up wondering what I did to make them hate me. I am so done with them. I want a mom and a dad, but I don't want them just like how they wanted a child, but not me.

Thanks for the link and thanks for the support. My pdoc wants me to do DBT. I really really don't. I hate the idea of group therapy, I don't have BPD, and the whole thing just looks cheesy to me. Maybe that's because as a kid I was laughed at for having emotions and talking about emotional expression is weird to me. So maybe feeling like it is cheesy is just a symptom of a bigger problem I need to work on. I don't know. I'm sure he'll try to push me into doing it again by getting my T to talk with me excessively about it.

you know my T just suggested DBT for me, and she stressed that it isn't just for BDP patients. She said it is good, sound therapy for anyone. That it teaches valuable life skills to help get through distressing times. I have a lot more I want to say but it is SO LATE and i need to turn my computer off. I will write more tomorrow.

Did you end up doing it?

Yeah it's 3am here and it doesn't look like I'm going to be sleeping tonight as per usual. I managed to trigger myself pretty badly. This is what I get for being hungry at 2am and trying to get food. I stepped on a creaky floorboard, had a flashback, and now I'll just lie awake thinking about it until 5am. My life is torture right now.

I wish I could sleep. I've been getting about 3-4 hours of sleep every night. 5 hours on a good night. I'm perpetually exhausted. I just stared at one of my posts for like 2 minutes thinking that growlycat wrote it. Our usernames are too similar for me to handle right now. :P

Maybe that's why I'm able to be so much more open on here. I'm just so tired all the time that I have no boundaries anymore.

Just saying hi in case you are still awake right now. Also saying that I really respect you. You do hang in there when things are really tough. I hope you can get some sleep.

Thankfully, I managed to fall asleep at 4 and managed to get about 6 and a half hours. I have so much sleep debt though so it won't really help.

I was looking at my SI marks in the shower. My T is going to be so sad and disappointed in me. I messed everything up.

I did not mean to suggest any diagnosis. I agree that dbt skills are useful. Here are the four basic categories:

Mindfulness; Interpersonal Effectiveness; Emotion Regulation; Distress Tolerance.

I was thinking specifically that ideas for distress tolerance might be helpful.

Note that "group therapy" within dbt is really akin to a classroom setting in which the skills are taught and reviewed.

I certainly agree that you have cause to be angry with the abuse and neglect they have consistently given you. You did not deserve any of it. As I said above, many of us here wish we could have protected you and still wish that.

Resorting to SI during times of overwhelming pain and despair can be understood. I look forward to better circumstances and to healing through time, therapy, support, and separation, so that the searing desperate pressure to SI will gradually wither away.

My T said it would be good for me too. Again, I know you're right. I guess I'm just scared.

I hope you're right with the SI.

Remember, it was in dbt group where I realized that I defined "I deserve" to mean only negative things, never positive things. My pdoc recommended I go. He is the smartest person I ever met, not for that!

I'm still scared of group. Plus I'm on my parent's insurance and I can't have them knowing about it.

I don't know what to do with my life. I don't want to continually have to relocate for years and years until I get a stable job. Then I'll be stuck there and I'm too nervous to make friends and meet people. I'm just going to end up living alone, going to rehearsal, and them going back home to be lonely. I don't foresee myself ever getting into a relationship at this point. I just hate everyone and the idea of being 100% dependent on someone also really freaks me out. Plus even if by some miracle a guy actually did like me back, I would be way too much of a train wreck for him to stick around for very long. What's the point of being alive when you have no one to share it with becsuse everyone in your life eventually leaves? Other people have their families so they know they can't be alone. My family of friends will not be permanent and I will lose them

Friends are a renewable resource. You just need to know what you want. Once you get away from the family, things will be different. You have so much more insight into what is going on than I did, I don't see why you think you would be alone. Your life will be what you make of it. I LET myself be limited by my family's ideas of what my options were. You don't have to do that.

You are afraid that you arealready condemned to permanent loneliness.

Are you familiar with catastrophizing ? It means thinking that the worst or nearly the worst is always what will happen. Catastrophizing breeds hopelessness and enervation.

In reality, we don't know what will happen. None of us do. It is best to stay in the present and not allow catastrophic thinking to interfere with your daily trying and resilience.

I don't understand what having insight has to do with anything on this issue. Friends are a renewable resource. They will come and go. That is just a simple fact of life. No one is permanent. I'm not going to have anyone in my life to fall back on when everyone else leaves. I'm just going to continually experience losing people that mean everything to me because at the end of the day, I was born alone and I'll die that way because all I am to the people who were supposed to always be there for me is a checkmark on a bucket list. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to only have myself to fall back into. I can't stand myself. I hate spending time with myself because behind the mask of energy I wear around people, I'm a deeply miserable and empty person. I don't even think I like to be happy.

You're right. We don't know what will happen. Crazy stuff happens all the time. I just don't foresee it happening. Life is so much more painful when I'm hopeful for things because then I have to experience being let down and broken hearted. At least this way, life either pleasantly surprises me or follows the way I predicted. I'm just not sure if it's worth going through all of this struggle in hope of something that may not even happen. There are plenty of people on this site 40 years older than me who are still completely miserable. Maybe they'll get happy tomorrow, but that wait isn't worth it to me. Maybe I'm just someone who doesn't need to live until 25.

Maybe I am catastrophizing. I don't know how to stop and the only person who can actually maybe help me is totally unreachable. She said she'd be there for me, but where the hell has she been for the past 13 weeks? I know it's not my T's fault, but it doesn't change how I feel about the situation. I mean, if anyone is picking up on the strong sui tendencies of what I'm writing (which I'm sure all of you are) it's so abundantly clear that I needed real professional help like yesterday but I can't get to my T and I don't know how to handle myself anymore.

You mentioned that friends come and go but then focused on the going. Friends also come. It is perfectly possible that you will always have friends around.

Right now, though, I am concerned about the sui tendencies. You can find ways to cope in the moment at the distress tolerance category at dbtselfhelp.org. Or google dbt distress tolerance. There is also the crisis chat service we discussed. Right now I ask you to focus on staying safe tonight.

Do they really seem that bad or only because I directly mentioned them? I don't think I'm going to act on anything. I only have 17 days left. I need to at least make it to a place where I'm not so upset all the time that I can make a clearer decision about something like that.