How does a client's suicide affect their T?

Perspective is huge. I've struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, ideation, planning, and attempts for years, and in the midst of that deep dark spot, it is next to impossible to see outside the utter pain and desparation to escape that pain. The ability to see your own death from the perspective outside yourself is pretty much lost.

But in the last few years, I've experienced some very significant deaths that were so traumatizing that I've finally gained some of that perspective that had been elusive. Last year, we had two students commit suicide. Actually, one was a former student of mine who happened to have struggled with my own diagnosis of bipolar disorder. His death hit me hard as I so understood what his struggle entailed. This year our pastor's son died very suddenly from complications of the flu. He was my son's age and his death was shockingly sudden and devastating to his family, our church, his schoolmates, and the community. In all of these cases, I saw the grief and sorrow of those left behind and saw how these kids' lives had affected so many others.

My biggest lesson in this outside perspective came two years ago when my sister died. The pain and grief was (and really still is) overwhelming at times. We knew she was probably going to die. She had been through cancer and a difficult bone marrow transplant. We had been watching her waste away for months, but even with advanced notice and natural causes, her death devastated us all. I vividly remember saying to myself that week she died that I would never deliberately put my family through such pain by deliberately causing my own death. I made a decision at that point that suicide would not be my way out of this world; I won't do that to my family, my friends, my students.

Does that mean I just stopped having issues with suicidality? No. Unfortunately I have a mental illness that cycles me into that mode with irritating and frightening regularity. There is a difference now though. I have made a commitment to myself to always seek the help and support I need to get through those episodes. I do what it takes, even when I don't really want to do what it takes because I am thinking irrationally due to my illness. I make myself make those phone calls to my T and pdoc. I make myself stay honest with my husband and family about what state I am in. I make myself take those meds. And I make myself walk through those hospital doors for my own safety and future even though it is so hard to do so.

So reading that therapist's thoughts about that patient of his that took her own life is one more perspective from a survivor that is helpful to some of us who personally fight those suicidal demons in our heads. Therapists and doctors are affected by the loss of us. I've known that. My therapists and pdocs have talked to me about how my death would personally affect them, and I understand that more now in these last few years than I was able to feel it prior to gaining that personal perspective.

My t had a client die years ago and it was very very hard on her. Very devastating.
At times when i have been suicidal in the past, my t has said things like "dont you do that to me!" T's have feelings too. As a teacher i have had children in my class die. It has devastated me as well. Some of them i dont know if i will ever get over, even though some people have said "well, it was just your job." Yes it was my job, but, i loved the kids i worked with. I love the kids i supervise now. They are just my day job but i love them and if they were not in my life i would be very sad.

Wow, I read that you said a former student of yours killed yourself and I went to your profile and saw that you're a music teacher. I'm a music major at a conservatory and I for some reason forgot to put my trumpet teacher on the list of people who would be badly affected by my suicide. Thanks for reminding me with your post.

I'm just going to try and focus on all of the things I can work on during my time at home. My teacher at this festival gave me a large étude book that he write. It is mostly in god awful keys and time signatures so maybe I'll just start working through that and then start transposing random stuff to pass the time. I do better when I have a clear goal. Once I can get back to school and see my T again, maybe she can help me get rid of these thoughts.

Actually, I am an English teacher, but I am a trained musician. Mostly I sing anymore, but I also play flute and piano.

While you are at home, find things to do that will get you OUT of that house. Take your music and work on it at a bookstore or the library or sitting under a shady tree in a park. You have a choice to stay cooped up at home all day which will feed your depression, or you can decide to get out of the house a few hours a day just for some you time and peace which will help you by putting your well-being on the important list so to speak. You DO have options to help you get through this time a little easier, but YOU are going to have to make that happen for yourself.

This is just a guess, but...

I imagine a client suicide is a scar on the therapist's heart that they will bear for the rest of their lives.

Woops, must have combined the interests line and the occupation line. Still reminded me of my trumpet teacher anyway!

The problem is that I can't drive and there is nothing within walking distance of my house There is no public transportation and my friends live on the other side of the country (my parents do not live anywhere near Boston if you're looking at my location and are confused).

Which is exactly why I can't do that to her. She's been nothing but good to me and doesn't deserve to go through that at my hands.

Please stay. Keep talking.

What do you mean? I'm not going anywhere.

^This. You don't know this. I know you can't know this because I felt the same and I was so wrong. The basic daily happiness I feel today was absolutely unimaginable to me in the past. I had no template for happiness in my life, no experience of it, it was a complete unknown. And yet, it exists for me now.

Been right there, in that moment. I wasn't afraid to tell my T, but I didn't want to because I knew it would hurt him and I didn't want him to be disappointed in me. What I didn't expect, and what so surprised me, was the respect for me he felt because I told him. He said I had given him a great gift by telling him. And it deepened our relationship.

And it was a relief to have him know. Your T can't help you with these thoughts unless you tell her.

Yeah you're right. I don't know that it will always be better. I should hang on because it really might get better. It also might not. But I won't know unless I wait it out. I'm not planning on doing anything immediately, I just want to make that clear. I've committed to my seeing my life through until at least 25 or something. The thing is that I don't actually want to die. I just can't see another way of escaping at this point and I don't want to live like this.

I feel like not telling her about this isn't an option. I know it's really important to tell her and I'll probably just end up giving her a letter because I don't know if I can talk about this out loud.

This is a topic that hits too close to home.....on December 9th,2004 I received that dreaded phone call at about 1:30 am from my mom...she called to tell me that my brother's oldest son had commit suicide in his college dorm ,upstate NY.
J. was only 18 yrs old. His mom, my brother...(his dad), his sister and baby brother and all of us were devastated beyond words. These are wounds that never quite heal...for those of us left behind to pick up all the pieces....its been the most difficult thing that my family has ever faced.
I'm sorry if sharing this most unfortunate tragedy is triggering....that is not my intent....I just want to help people to understand the rippling effect that suicide has.
I will venture to say that many of us on this site have at least thought about suicide....but we come to realize that not only are we hurting those who love and care for but it would be irreversible... no turning back.
Take good care of you and never be afraid to reach out!!

I'm so sorry for your loss

These stories make me feel guilty for ever even thinking about it

Hey,GT
It is not my intention to make you feel guilty....know that!! As painful as this topic is for me, I will talk about this tragedy if it can help people to understand the aftermath. You are taking a step in the right direction....you are talking to others....keep on
I'm not trying to sound cliche but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel....always keep that in the front of your mind....and I speak from my own experiences with depression...it sucks to be in it...but we have to do some hard work in order to heal....I'm slowly navigating my way through, as are so many others!!
Sending positive energy your way.

growli: Don't feel guilty for thinking your thoughts and feeling your feelings. Use these stories to help you when times are at their toughest - because we never really know who will be affected by us leaving. And by knowing other's experiences... can act as a reminder that there's going to be SOMEONE who is deeply affected by your leaving.

That's what I do. One of my (many) reasons for going in to teaching? It's an excellent suicide-prevention-plan for myself. I cannot STAND the idea of even possibly affecting any of my students by commiting suicide. The thought makes me feel sick. So.. even at my worst? I know that I can't and won't act on the urges. I can't take that risk with my students.

Thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine how painful that must have been to experience and I just can't justify doing that to the people that do care about me.

Thank you. Even though I really don't have a family that treats me the way they should, I am fortunate to have some very good friends and I know if I were to kill myself, I'd kill them too. Maybe not literally, but I know they would be devastated if I died. For example, one of my closest friends has lost most of everyone that was close to her to cancer. I just can't add myself to the list of people she was close to that died. I care too much about her to take someone else from her. My other close friends depend on me for emotional support too and every time I consider doing it, I just imagine them finding out about it and I can't do it. I know a couple of them at least would blame themselves for not stopping me and I just can't put them through that. I care about their happiness more than mine right now.

it sounds like you have some people that care about you, even if its not your family. if they lean on you for emotional support as you stated, lean on them. that's what friends are for.

i am not against suicide and believe people have the right to make that choice.. i am struggling myself. there are some people that have no-one that would care. i have no-one.
and we each have the right to end our suffering. but if you can say i have some friends as you have, let them help you. you matter to them and they matter to you. i hope you feel better.

I am lucky that I have people. I didn't before I turned 14. I still have no clue how I managed to get through that because it was so horrible. I'm so sorry you are in that place. I really like your insights on this site and I'd miss your posts if you left. Not sure how much that means.

The problem is that I can't really talk to my friends about this stuff. It stresses them out because they so desperately want to save me from my current state but can't because they aren't equipped to do so. I need serious professional help and they are musicians, not psychologists. I try to avoid topics like suicide and my SI out of respect of their sanity.

The idea of suicide comforts me. I like the idea that no matter how bad it gets, I have the ultimate power to escape.

I don't see anything wrong with getting comfort from the knowledge of a sort of power.

I don't think there is anything wrong with it either. It's good to feel in control of something and I'm certainly in control of my own suicide.

Being in control of your death is the minimum amount of control one can have.
You sound like you want more of it and I believe you deserve it.

I'm sorry you feel this way, but suicide is not what will give you comfort; control is. Maybe your T can help you regain control over your life.
Take care please...

You're right. Suicide won't give me comfort or anything anything. Suicide only takes things away. It would take away the bad things, but it would also take away anything good and the chance of experiencing anything good. It's still a last resort option though for if the good stuff can't outweigh the bad.

I'm currently working on compiling a collection of posts I made to give to my T in Sep so we can talk about them. I'm kinda scared to tell her about a bunch of my feelings so hopefully I can actually give them to her.

What do you anticipate would happen if you told T about your feelings?

She could be very upset with me or send me back to the hospital. If I told her how I felt about her, then she'd know she has some power over me.

What would happen if she realized that she had some power over you?

She could really hurt me.