How does a client's suicide affect their T?

Therapists do realize that they often have power over clients. This issue of counselor ethics is discussed in their training. Perhaps she already realizes that she has power over you (and other clients); perhaps she has chosen to be professional; perhaps she has chosen not to try to hurt you (or them).

Hi grow lithing. I'm agreeing with Sierra here. It might feel like your parent knowing is the worst thing in the world but if you made an attempt its extremely important that you put your health first and reach out for help. Not easy to face, but if you can, you can start towards a path to recovery. Er might also have ideas for finding care in the long run etc

For now also check out this link which has some resources: forums.psychcentral.com/helpme.htm

Thank you. I think I'm fine. I know I need to go to the hospital and I actually kind of want to because I want help so badly. I need someone to help me but I can't get there. My mom will hurt me if I go. She'll cut me off and I won't be able to get home to my T. I'm scared she'll hurt me or kill me again. I can't tell her about this and she'd have to know. She can't know. She'll never stop making fun of me.

And I am gonna tell my T what has been going on. I have letters and documents and **** prepared for her. I'm scared though that she'll send me to the hospital. She can force me to do that. I don't want to go back. They'll take me out of school and I can't lose that place. It's the only place I've ever really felt loved.

Take that statement and apply it to your whole life. You can't undie. You would lose everything. Your therapist would be trying to help you, not punish you.

Did you receive inadequate treatment as the hospital before? That would be the only reason you should hesitate (because for all you know there are other options!). Pretend you were hit by a bus. Yeah, the hospitalization was inconvenient, but it would be necessary to not lose out on your life permanently. Everyone will understand and welcome you back when you are better.

You spoke about what you fear if your mother were to find out. I wonder if you could say more about that. What would she do if she found out? She would actually make fun of you? What else would she do?

She just called me. My guinea pig died. I can't stop crying. That pig meant so much to me. She was the only thing I had in that house that made me feel happy.

Yes, my mom makes fun of me for being hospitalized. She has since the second she found out I was hospitalized in 2011. She also blames my T and my school for sending me there. If I went back into the hospital, she'd pull me out of school and insist that I need to spend more time with her to get over this because she believes no one is better qualified to handle me.

I know. I never should have tried. It was so stupid of me.

No I didn't. The hospital was really really triggering to me and I spent the entire time panicking and begging my social worker to let me out.

First, please, keep trying. I'm so glad that I did and that my attempts were unsuccessful. What I did was devastating for all those who loved me and for me. I so wish I could take it back, but I cannot. All I can do is use what happened to me and what I learned to try to become an excellent, compassionate, and empathic therapist.

Second, if you have a good bond with your T and have a great T, then your T will be devastated. I made an attempt after 6 months of seeing my current T. I was on my way to healing, but had a very bad day and a terrible, momentary lapse in judgment coupled with an overreaction to a situation. My T was definitely upset and angered by it. I could definitely tell that she cared. It would be hard on your T just like it would be hard on anyone that you have a relationship with. Please, keep trying and moving along.

Growlithing: I am very sorry for your loss.

I never should have done it. I'm just going to upset everyone around me. I know I have to tell her and I know she'll be upset too. It was so stupid of me to try.

I am very sorry and angry that your mother, of all people, mocks you for having been hospitalized.

So the way you see things in relation to your mother, being hospitalized would mean the loss of everything you love and have: your place in school, your music, your friends at school, your T, your career, your freedom. You would not literally lose your life, but you believe that you would lose all that you find worth living for right now.

You recognize the danger in your suicidal feelings, and you would get help if you felt that you safely could, but because of these potential losses you feel helpless to do anything about the feelings until you can see your T.

I was wondering about something: you just said a little while ago how being backstage and listening to the music had a powerful, positive effect on you. And of course that makes sense! I wonder if there is some way that you can systematically harness that love of listening as part of your program of self-preservation and self-defense when you are back at home for those five weeks.

Growlithing, taking that initial step to getting help is tough...we resist. But try to listen to your friends on this site....go get some help..don't be afraid.... remember what I said in my post...death is irreversible.... there is absolutely no turning back, I know you don't want that. Don't let the depression get the best of you....fight back!! Go to a local hospital, talk to someone there...it is a much better alternative! I'll be sending you good energy .

Yes. If I were hospitalized again, my mom would take all of that away from me. Well, realistically, that wouldn't happen. I'd just have to figure out how to get back to Boston. I wouldn't be able to pay my tuition or my rent at ALL (I'm not working right now) so I'd have to see what I can get the school to help me out with, but that would just add a whole extra layer to my problems. But if I couldn't work that out and she just kept me in my basement... I would absolutely kill myself. There is no way I do that for an entire year or so.

Yes, I am working on putting together a practice routine for myself. I'm going to be writing weekly lessons for myself and maybe even pick a few different pieces of orchestral music to focus on each week, almost as if I were still at school.

Thank you. I'm just going to have to stick it out until Sep.

Okay....then keep posting, stay as busy as possible until you can see your T, hang tough....you can do it

Good work! This is great.

I am thinking, though, of listening systematically. Listening in addition to playing.

If I understood you correctly, you had a very positive emotional reaction to listening backstage tonight. Perhaps you could build on this at home. Some advantages might be:

--you would enjoy it
--it would give you emotional support
--you might develop professionally (e.g. listen to violin works, string quartets?, other stuff that isn't your usual gig). Or maybe there are works that you have always wished you had time to listen to or to study better.
--it occupies time
--it could discourage unwelcome others from interrupting/bothering you

If this idea makes sense at all or appeals to you at all, perhaps you could get the music on your ipod or whatever before you even get home.

HA, I am actually addicted to iTunes. There are so many great pieces of music I haven't really gotten into yet. The problem is that I can't do this constantly. I can physically only play 2-3 hours every day or I risk seriously damaging myself. I should get into string quartet music, but I haven't been able to really connect with it thus far. I can listen to music for much longer periods of time than I can play it, but it is very intellectually taxing. I've been playing video games a lot recently so I'm going to keep doing that.

I've done this before and I can do this again. It just gets harder and harder every time I have to go back there. I've never done anything nearly so drastic as this in anticipation of returning there.

That's the spirit!

You can do it!

Well, drastic times require drastic measures.

Do have a plan for listening as well as for playing. And a plan for video games!

I have to make it. The other option isn't worth it at this point.

Okay good.

Growlithing, just thinking about you and sending you .

Thank you for your support. All of you. It really does mean a lot. I'm sorry if I've been a pain as I seem to just refuse help over and over

Hey growlithing, I just wanted to say you're in my thoughts.

I'm really sorry for your guinea pig... Losing a pet sucks.

Oh, and your mother sounds like she has MANY more issues than you do. Mocking someone for being hospitalised?! Pathetic. Even more pathetic if she mocks her own daughter about this(or anything really). She should really see a therapist. I'm really angry at her and I want to send you a big warm hug.

Lean on your friends, they can help you through tough times. And on us, if you wish. I believe we all care about you and don't want you to die.
Is your dad around? Maybe he's sane enough to support you.
Here's a song for you to hear:

Thank you. I know she was just a guinea pig, but she really was special to me. I got her when I was 13 so she lived a very full and happy life, but she would sit on my shoulder and give me kisses when I was sad.

Thanks for the hug. Yeah, she mocks me about most everything in my life. She mocks suicidal people in general and once literally told me that if I was planning on committing suicide, I should go talk to her instead of telling a doctor (weird to say that because she actually is a doctor, just not a mental health doctor) because they will ruin my life and judge me. She won't ever see a therapist because she doesn't believe in psychology and believes she is all knowing anyway. She's a complete lost cause.

My dad literally ignores me despite having lived in the same house for 18 years. He never calls me when I'm at school, never emails me, never texts me, nothing. He has a relationship with my younger siblings but for whatever reason he doesn't care about me as much. And while he did not contribute to the PA I endured quite as much as my mom did, he did do a little and he stood by her side, letting her do it. He never protected me when my mom was shouting vile things at me and severely psychologically abusing me. He never stood up for me, never demanded that she treat me right, all he ever did was care about his marriage more than he cared about his own daughter. I have no interest in building a relationship with a man like that. The only thing he ever taught me is that if I decide to have kids someday (*shudders*), I want a man that will love our children far more than he could ever love me. I want a guy who would sooner abandon me or put me in the hospital if necessary than let me psychologically sabotage our kids forever.