How does a client's suicide affect their T?

I'm glad your solutions worked for you. That doesn't mean they're applicable to anyone else. "Excuse for what?" was a reference to your current situation in which you've been incapable of standing up for yourself. I doubt you would find the kind of honesty you've expressed here to be helpful if expressed to you, especially if you were actively suicidal.

Yes. I am well aware that this is a choice I am making. I'm currently prioritizing my financial stability over my complete mental sanity. I'm not completely sure it was the best choice, but it is what I have made up to this point and I have to see it through to the end now. Once I am on the other side and safe back at school with adults that know me and care about me, then I can re-explore my options with their help. I can't do anything to risk my ability to make it back.

And for the record, being here doesn't make me suicidal. It is the thought of being unable to leave here or the process of coming back here for an extended period of time that does. I originally posted this thread when I was at a music festival and I was in the process of having to come back here because it was ending. Leaving and then coming back upsets me more than actually being here for whatever reason. I guess it makes me feel like my life is a boomerang that my parents keep throwing and I feel like I can never truly escape because I always wind up here again. But I've been here long enough to either block that all out or remember that that is irrational.

Meh, personally I feel like psychological barriers are just a little bit thinner than actual barriers and no one should be harassed for being psychologically unable to do something even if they said something that might have come off as potentially hypocritical. I can appreciate that Lola was trying to help and was just frustrated with me. I would be (and I am) frustrated with me too.

And it also doesn't mean that they are not applicable, we have a small window into each others lives and its colored by the lense we present them through.

I choose not to stand up for myself, I am more then capable, until the current sale of the house is over and I have been clear about this. As far as my deliverance of information, yeah it's been handed to me just like that ...point blank by many on these very boards. I find that all good insight doesn't always come in a soft pink fuzzy box and by her own admission she isn't activly suicidal either. If she were I would have left out the honesty all together, im not an idiot.

Sorry that I offended you with the way I presented my opinion , thank you for pointing out my shortcomings as well , I live in a glass house and I threw a stone. I'm not mad at ya or her... I think she knows that from our previous interactions. Dude at the end of the day we are all just trying to help each other out and sometimes people on here will place a mirror right to your face , verbally of course, in hopes of pulling you out of your own helpless despair. How about a truce huh?

I wasn't hypocritical, I choose to not stand up for me right now... When the timing is right, I will. That appears to be her plan too.

I think recognizing choice is important. Almost everything is a choice - to act, how to act, or not to act or when to act are all choices and at any given time any choice could be right for one person but not another. I think it is also important to be prepared to accept responsibility for the consequences of choices.

I wasn't offended by you saying that it is my choice to be here. I was a little offended that you said I'm making up a story looking for sympathy. People used to tell me when I was a little kid that I was acting out looking for attention and that would get me really upset. I wasn't looking for attention, I was putting on a mask so I couldn't get hurt by people bullying me. I was already a bit self conscious about posting so much recently. But it doesn't really matter and I'm not upset about it anymore. I hope everyone else is cool now too.

I NEVER said that you were making anything up. ( I can see from re reading my post where you may have thought I insinuated it, sorry ) As for sympathy ( should have used empathy instead, as pointed out ) you appear to be looking for empathy as opposed to a solution. I am a very solution oriented person and apparently suck at the empathy thing. Again, my apologies.

Oh okay. No problem. Sorry I misunderstood.

It may help to remember that you don't have to solve everything at once. (Small steps work for me). Trying to take it all on at once is just anxiety-provoking.

Don't know if this helps, but when things really suck for me, I try to think "what small acts can I do right now that will improve my mood or situation?" For me, even doing the laundry takes one more thing off my plate to think about.

remember to just breathe too!

I did my laundry today actually to avoid a fight with my mom! I was having a really horrible day despite my friend taking me out of my house. I felt like everything was so worthless and I just didn't want to keep fighting anymore. I had no motivation to do anything. I just wanted to lie in my bed and hurt myself all day, but I eventually managed to get myself to go practice. I didn't even bother with getting any real work done and I just played music that I love playing. Suddenly, my entire universe was suddenly okay again for a while and all of my urges faded away. I need to make myself more things. I need to make myself follow an exercise routine or something. Maybe I'll block off a daily schedule of things to do as if I were at school with classes.

That sounds like a good plan. Exercise might help you sleep better as well. Could you go for a walk or bike-ride somewhere, take a book and a drink, and then just stay there the whole afternoon, to be out the house?

I found it helpful to write a self-care list, of simple things that keep my body and mind functioning - nutritious food, a comedy program to laugh at, meditation, a phone call with a supportive or fun friend, etc. Then the times when I feel terrible I don't have to try to think about what to change, I just have to say 'right, go back to the self-care list', and then I pick something on it that I've been missing out. It often lifts my mood or stabilises it, or at the least it makes me feel like I've done something useful, even if it's only a small thing.

And I don't think there's anything at all wrong with needing empathy as well as practical advice. Human beings naturally need empathy and emotional connection, and right now at home you're getting the opposite of that. If this forum can provide some I think that's a very valuable use for it.

Good job with the laundry! That was resourceful.

I started a walking routine--even a half hour a day does help with sleep!

If you are up late worrying about stuff, you can make a list of things you want to take care of. Then put it in a drawer and feel good that you can just let it go for a few hours.

My cbt therapist gave me homework this week that reminds me a little of what you might be going through. I have way too many "what if..." anxieties running through my head.

T wants me to come up with a mental image that represents these worries just floating by and disappearing. The DBT standard is the image of leaves floating on a stream and disappearing around a bend.

I came up with a few....fireworks exploding then fizzling out to smoke...antacids fizzling and dissolving in a clear glass of water...an alligator in a pond of goldfish---the goldfish being worries and the alligator scooping them up in its jaws (bigger worries are Koi!)

Thanks. I've actually heard of that technique somewhere. I'm not really sure if I'm worried though. I have a really hard time accepting my anxieties. My T told me that she thinks I'm really anxious and I denied that I ever feel any anxiety for a really long time. I don't know why I'm like that. Maybe I'm in denial about worrying about things, but I don't think I worry. I guess some of my past posts might indicate otherwise. I don't know. Is being scared about things happening in the future the same thing as worrying?

I think when we've grown up in a worrying environment, we don't even realize we're doing it. There's a joke about how so many of the things we worry about never even happen, and the punchline is - see how well worrying works?!

The punchline is that there is no punchline and I'm left rereading the joke over and over afraid that I can't read and missed it right?

The worrying stops the bad things we worried about from happening. So the worrying "worked"? I'm not a very good comedian. ..

Worrying stops the bad things we worry about from happening? What about someone who is worried about her boyfriend leaving her for whatever reason? She worries about it so much that her insecurity drives him away. That's not at all my situation but I don't see how worrying about something can prevent it from happening.

And yes the joke made me worry that I missed something.

Okay but in that case it wouldn't have been the worrying that drove the boyfriend away, it would have been the insecure actions she performed - calling, or things she accused him of? I see worrying more as a sit and stew type activity, which doesn't accomplish much. I've read things that say, allow yourself to worry for 30 minutes a day, then that's it. Anything else comes up, it has to wait for tomorrow's worry session.

I know my attempt had quite the effect on my T

How are you doing growlithing?

I think that you need not worry about empathy here on pc---I think that strong reactions to your post can only mean people can relate.

I'm not really concerned about empathy on here. I've been receiving more than I ever imagined I would!

I'm still alive even if I'm not always 100% sure I want to be. 21 more days. I'll see my T in 23 more days (assuming that my orchestra conductors don't schedule my placement audition at a time that conflicts in which case I'd have to move the appointment).

I'm so lonely and I hate how weak I feel here. I'm literally hiding out in this basement, wishing someone would come save me. I feel like all of my power to control my life and be a strong, independant person was stolen from me by these people who are supposed to have my best interest at heart. I am not being the person I wanted to be when I would dream about my future when I was 10, 11 years old. I feel like I'm in a waiting room and everything I'm doing is a distraction from the fact that my life is a complete mess and I am letting this pathetic woman completely run my life because hers is too empty to entertain her. I'm happiest when I'm asleep, assuming that I'm actually able to fall asleep and I'm not having a nightmare. I really wish I could fall asleep and just not wake up ever again.

I hate who I am when I am around my parents. They are not good people. They are so racist and so homophobic that about 80% of their conversations involve saying something so bigoted that I want to punch them in the face. But I say nothing because like I said earlier, I have to pick my battles and arguing with them over that is a waste of time and would only end up in complete chaos. I hate that I just let it go like that. That is not who I am.

I just want to get out of here. I want to be my own person again. I want to have the freedom to go where I want to go, say what I want to say, and express myself without being told I'm wrong for feeling how I do. I want to be around people that genuinely do have my best interests at heart. I don't want to be alone in this war anymore. I've bee fighting too long and I'm tired. I really hope that life proves to be worth pushing through this. It hasn't so far.

It won't be long before you are back to school. Hang in there as best you can-sounds like you are.

Early in college I couldn't afford my own place plus all of my other expenses so I was at home too, but during the school year. My mom and stepdad made me feel like a burden and wouldn't let me talk to my own sisters as if I would somehow "contaminate" them with my depression.

At the time, my T said it was like I had been stuffed into a barrel of ***** and the top priority was to make sure I could at least breathe. Getting out and "cleaned up" would take more time.

Not a fun situation but it is good practice to focus on your own needs and "things to do" while in an awful situation. If you can do this, you can do just about anything.

I've already done things much harder than this. I survived here for 18 years. I escaped through earning a half tuition merit scholarship to my school through my music. I can survive 21 more days.

This is beautiful. I can so relate to this. At least you have a good grasp on the reality of the situation. I couldn't accept or believe that my family was so small-minded. I was almost out, then I got a nephew, and I felt I couldn't leave him alone with them. I pretty much went nuts. I hope you do get out. I finally did, and it is worth it. Even on days I do nothing at all, it is sooooo worth it.