Able To Resolve Transference Within Therapy?

Hello MELISSSAD81-

Thank you for your update. I am glad to hear that talking to your new therapist has been helpful in making the feelings more manageable for you. I hope that the therapy continues to be helpful to you.

Hello ScarletPimpernel-

Thank you for your response. I'm heartened to hear that talking to your therapist enabled you to not feel ashamed of your feelings. Your feelings are perfectly natural. I'm glad that your therapist seemed open to addressing the topic in the future. I wish you all the best.

Hello Freewilled-

I can empathize with you-I know it was so hard for me to talk about my feelings. And I really know what you mean about misplacing your trust. I have experienced misplaced trust many times-in and out of therapy-and every time it happens it takes another part of me. You're right-transference is very, very challenging -and painful and confusing. I hope that you're therapist continues to earn your trust. I wish you well.

Hello amee200-

Thank you-your response is helpful and I appreciate it. I believe that it if you don't think the feelings are disabling or so painful that they are interfering with the therapy or with your life it's probably not something you need to spend much time on discussing with the therapist-unless you want to. I think that is a good gauge to go by. For me, it did take over my life and it was a huge part of the therapy-particularly when there were mutual feelings being discussed between us. It became painfully confusing-what was the therapy or from the therapist, what was the personal feelings from the man sitting across from me? I think that feeling a closeness and an attachment to a therapist is a natural result considering the topics of conversation and the intimacy involved. But when the feelings become too painful and too intrusive, the reasons why we sought help to begin with can end up taking a back seat-or get buried completely. I wish you all the best.

Hello RTerroni-

Thank you for your response. I am so sorry that this happened to you-that is horrible. I also hope that in your future experiences you are treated with the care and respect that you deserve. I wish you peace and continued strength.

Hello archipelago-

Thank you for your response. You are right-it can be a delicate issue for the therapist as well. And, counter-transference does happen. I think that it also depends on how it's handled by the therapist-whether they continue the therapy or refer the client elsewhere. For instance, in my case, if the therapist had taken the time to carefully explain that he had feelings for me and that he felt those feeling were interfering with his position as my therapist and would need to transfer me to a different therapist I would have been sad, no question, but I would have been able to look back at the situation as him doing the right thing for me. You're right that sometimes things can be processed in the therapy, sometimes not but it also depends on how everything was handled. It's not an easy subject and can be painful for the therapist as well.

Thank you Crimsonblue, I'm glad I can be a little helpful. I agree that if the feelings for your provider become too strong and interfere with treatment then it needs to be discussed. Sometimes I waver with both sides of the issue. it could be interfering in some areas but I also know that I wouldn't be where I am in my life without having seen him. The one thing about the crush that is helpful for progress is my never wanting to disappoint him. I'm determined to show improvement more than I ever have with any other provider. So in a sense the strong attachment/ crush is a good thing. Of course I feel like he can't be replaced and that is not a very good thing, but I guess its natural. I do sense a counter transference though I'm not sure which angle it's coming from. It might be that he likes being the object of someone's affection, that identifies with me based on our similar life experiences, or both. Whatever it is I think he'd be disappointed a little also if I felt I needed to end treatment with him because of my feelings, and it's probably why he doesn't encourage a deeper discussion.

It may not be an answer to your question but I sympathise with you as I have had the horrible, awkward experience of transference- and not of the romantic type. I felt like I couldn't talk to him anymore, we were not getting anywhere as we having more of a personal chat and laugh about life. I don't know, I think it's actually mostly driven by the patient and their interpretation of what is going on? Does this make any sense. I am currently in a private clinic for a two month manic episode and have met a new Doctor, I am not going to get friendly, we should treat the relationship seriously(not sterile-just professional) Thank you, smart, relevant post T

This is just an update. So, as mentioned, I am completely attached to my T, and have told myself I am not in love. Whatever it is, I got a big bear hug from him yesterday, and was so emotionally overblown the entire day. This is coming from someone who rarely feels emotion. Now, I have to let go of those feelings the rest of the week and continue with life as normal. Ok, I'll try. And I must ask, how is this helping me?

Hi amee200-

You have described so well some of the ways that the therapy relationship can be so complex and so confusing. Your words show the complexities within the client and the therapist as well. At times it can be very hard to know if something healing is happening and, if so, is that healing outweighing any painful or unknown elements? We do take a leap of faith in therapy. Yes, we take a leap of faith in any relationship but when we are placing our well being, our health and, at times, our life in the hands of a professional the dynamics become more serious and our vulnerability more intense. I always go back to this but at times I think that the most reliable indicator we have is our inner instincts.

Hello TC1978-

Thank you for your response and thank you for your supportive words. It is true that feelings generated in the therapy relationship are partly a product of the patient and their interpretations but that is only a part of the equation. You described your experience with the prior therapist as being more of a personal chat as opposed to a professional one-that is was more of a chat and laugh about life. I think that those things can be a part of a healing therapeutic relationship (just my opinion) but I also believe that it was your prior therapist's responsibility to steer things to a place where you were receiving help-that wasn't your responsibility. Even if that is what you thought you wanted (I am not saying these things were true-just a hypothetical) and even if you continually tried to have a personal connection more than doing the painful and difficult work of working through the issues, it was still your therapist's responsibility to steer things to a helpful place for you. It is also true that the therapist brings their history and their issues to the therapy as well. They may be more aware of the signs that they are doing this and may know how to deal with any counter transference-but what transpires in every therapy is usually very much a contribution of both client and therapist.
I wish you well in the private clinic and with the new therapist. Thank you for your kind words about the post-I truly appreciate that.

Hello always_wondering-

Thank you for giving an update. You have asked the question that haunted me continuously-"How is this helping me?". And, your question is really at the heart of this thread. I can only imagine what you are experiencing, now having received this hug from him yesterday. You're right, now you have to sit with all of this until your next session. It can be especially needling when the therapist does something that is out of character, or something they haven't done before. I remember when that would happen I would go through continuous questions in my head-has something changed? Do they care about me in a personal way now? Was he expressing a feeling that he has for all of his patients or was this a spontaneous expression for me personally? I can empathize with you.

My t and I have discussed transference quite a bit (although not using the word "transference"). We have talked about my feelings for her alot. Even though I have been in therapy for over 10 years, I have not been able to resolve the strong feelings of need for her in my life, and the pain that comes whenever I run into a boundary that reminds me of the limits of the therapeutic relationship.

What's confusing for me is that she wants to work with hurt "child parts" of me. Yet, when I don't keep strict control of those parts of me that want her to be like a mom to me, then I start feeling a greater need to email her and have her help. Then I run into limits, and it hurts that child part of me. So I end up pullng back - partly because I feel hurt that I allowed myself to get so vulnerable that I reached out for help and felt like I got slapped by reality -- but also to protect my t from my unreasonable needs and demands.

Well, when I pull back, my t says that I am finding a way to distance from her because I am afraid she will hurt me. (Well, yeah, if I have pushed too hard for her help and been told she is too busy or made to wait for a couple of days to get a reply, then I DO feel hurt, even when I know that I am probably expecting too much from her!) My pulling away from her enough to disconnect the part of me that needs her too much is all I know of to do when my needs start messing up the therapy relationship.

So, I pull back. Then over time, my t coaxes child parts to engage with her again. But if I let up control of them, again they want too much from t. She can't respond as quickly as I need her, and then I feel hurt and rejected. Then, pull back again.

This is horribly painful, and I really am tempted at this point to keep any child-like parts of me that desperately want my t to be like a mom to me AWAY from the therapy room. Those needs are too great for my t to fill, or for anybody to fill. Over and over, I've tried to find somebody who would care about me enough to want to have a close relationship with me that could help provide what I never got from my mom. But it never has worked out. Not even when someone insists that they care alot and will never abandon me. In time, my needs become too much for them, they get tired of feeling like they have to "hold me up," or find out that the things they tried to do to help me didn't work. So they cut loose and drop me.

Well, t has said she would not do that. And so far, she hasn't. But still, it just doesn't work to try to get help from her for those parts of me that never had a close relationship with my mom, and feel so much pain because of it. It's like trying to fill the Grand Canyon one a teaspoon full of dirt at a time. It can't be done. It's too much work. And I fear that this is true also for my t.

So, again, I find myself going in circles with my t because of my intense transference with her. This time, I really don't want to try again to open up my deepest feelings and needs about her, because I know she can't fill them anyway. What she gives is great, but it will never be even close to enough to relieve the pain I feel inside.

Sorry to be so negative. But I struggle with this transference thing so much, it is the most painful thing in my therapy.

Hello peaches100-

Thank you for sharing your experiences. You do not have to be sorry for being negative-you were explaining the intense pain that you have experienced. Your post really touched me-it not only movingly described the anguish of this type of situation in a therapy relationship, but also described the love that so many of us are searching for. Unconditional and nurturing love. I wish you well, peaches100. Take care.

BTDT! and I agree with those above who said you showed great strength and wisdom by leaving.

I didn't do the first leaving, but I also didn't return when invited under conditions that I thought would continue what hadn't been working. And she would run hot and cold, and deny things that clearly were true - very unaware of herself! It's been really really hard. And sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind, so how you feel makes sense to me.
I haven't resolved it yet, but I do feel good about not going back.

Hello Syra-

I am sorry it took so long to respond to your post. I was in a bad place for a few weeks. I am also sorry that you experienced a similar situation. What you wrote about feeling like you were losing your mind is one of the worst aspects of this sort of scenario. When I tried to talk about his changes in personality he would alternate between admitting that I was correct, that it was because he was struggling with his feelings for me and telling me that it was my imagination that he was acting differently. I struggled with self doubt before this experience so I really battled with feeling that it was all just a product of me losing my sanity. I am glad to hear that you feel good about not returning. You are right to feel good about that! Thank you for your words of support and I wish you all the best.

Sorry you are have been in such a bad place for a few weeks. Sounds like it was really really rough. I'm glad you are believing yourself, and remembered enough that when you had enough information, it became clear it was the situation that was crazy-making, and not your sanity. I'm wondering if you were the most sane person in the situation.

I hope things are getting better for you.

I didn't resolve my extreme transference in therapy, rather I did so out of therapy, and got past it, but meetings since doing so, have resulted my my T being cold and distant with me.

Thank you Syra for your kind and supportive words. I'm still working on the self-criticism and self-doubt-it's an on-going struggle but at least there is a part of me that can see the reality of what happened. Your words are helpful to me, in helping to strengthen that part of me and I truly appreciate that.

Hello coltranefanatic-Thank you for your response. I think that your experience is the more common one in that people are more than likely left to figure out/deal with/heal from/recover from the effects of transference/feelings that arise in a therapy relationship on their own as opposed to receiving a healing response from the therapist. I don't understand why this is the case when it's such an important aspect of the therapy experience and when so many clients experience feelings that are to the extent that they cause pain and discomfort and in some cases are debilitating. Some therapists seem to be able to be helpful but it just doesn't seem like that is the norm. I am sorry to hear that your therapist is responding in a cold and distant way. Do you feel comfortable talking to him/her about this?

Ugh, I really understand how that feels. I tried to bring this up last week in session but I lost my nerve. I am the same age as my T so the friendship lens is pretty magnified. I'm very afraid any familiarity I have with him will be misconstrued as flirting. I do not want my T in real life, as much as I 'love' him.

I have the same fears. My p doc is only a few years older and we have some things in common. I never ask himm any questions even though I want to because I've been so afraid friendliness will be misconstrued as flirting. I end up shutting down and in the past avoided any friendly small talk he tried to make. I feel like I've worked through the transference a bit but am still anxious and tongue tied when we stop talking about my "issues". I don't really want him in real life, but I can't get him out of my mind when I'm away from him.